mild trigger warning

Chapter Thirteen: Sirius is Also Painfully Oblivious

Long after the other boys were asleep, Sirius lay on his bed, hands tucked under his head, thinking. He was still trying to process what had happened. It was all so fast. Remus ran out, he went after him, and when he finally found him, he was told by Evans of all people that Remus had tried to kill himself. Fuck, Remus had tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower.

Remus was in so much pain, and that meant that Sirius was in pain. He loved Remus so damn much, and just wanted to let him know that. He imagined telling Remus, and having Remus feel the same way. He imagined leaning down and softly kissing Remus. He imagined standing behind Remus, wrapping his arms around the shorter boy's waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. He imagined lifting Remus's chin up, wiping away his tears, and gently kissing him. He imagined pushing Remus up against a wall and passionately making out with him. He imagined sitting on a couch together, one of Remus's legs in his lap and his arm around Remus's shoulder.

But Remus would never love him back. And Remus thought that Sirius liked someone else. And Remus had tried to kill himself. And Remus was hurting. And Sirius wanted so fucking badly to do something. But he didn't know what.

He needed to keep a closer eye on Remus, he knew that much. He was sure that Remus was still cutting. He hoped that this wouldn't be the last time Remus tried to kill himself, but he couldn't be sure anymore.

After what had happened in the bathroom a few weeks ago, Sirius had tried to convince himself that Remus wasn't suicidal. Remus had told him it was an accident, he didn't mean to do it, he didn't realize how deep he cut. And Sirius tried to believe it. There was a tiny part of him that wasn't sure, that tried to convince him that Remus was suicidal. He had pushed it to the back of his mind.

Now, Sirius had the confirmation he needed. He didn't want it, but he needed it. Remus had tried to kill himself. His brain repeated it over and over and over again, but he was still in shock. He still couldn't quite believe it, couldn't quite register it. Remus wouldn't have tried to kill himself, right?

But he did, his brain reminded him. Remus had slit his wrist and tried to jump off of the Astronomy Tower. Fuck, he had actually jumped. If Lily hadn't been there, Remus would be dead. Sirius wouldn't have gotten there in time. And Sirius didn't think he would ever be able to forgive himself if something like that happened.

Sirius needed to protect Remus. He would do anything for the younger boy, anything. He couldn't tell him how he really felt, but he could let that manifest itself in whatever ways possible. Watching out for Remus, keeping an eye on him, getting him Chocolate Frogs, comforting him during panic attacks, stuff like that. And Sirius would know that there were romantic feelings behind it. Remus wouldn't, but Sirius would, and if that was all he could get, Sirius would take it.

But why had Remus tried to kill himself tonight? That was the real question. Had he been planning it during the day, while everyone was in Hogsmeade? Had he sat in the dorm room, alone, crying, making a plan for that night? What had triggered his panicked flight from the room? One minute, he had been playing poker with the guys, and the next he was crying and running out.

Something about that didn't sit right with Sirius. It was one thing for Remus to have tried during the day, or in the middle of the night, or whenever it was. But running out in the middle of a game? That felt so wrong. Something had to have triggered it, right?

Sirius could feel Remus's pain. It physically hurt him. It hurt to see the boy he loved so much in all that pain. Remus didn't want to be alive. Sirius couldn't imagine a life without him. He honestly didn't know what he would have done if Remus had succeeded. He hated to think about it. In all honesty, if he had gone to the roof and found that Remus had jumped, there was a fair chance he would have impulsively followed.

He told himself not to think like that. He needed to be there for Remus, needed to be strong for Remus. Remus didn't want to live. Sirius was there to make sure that he did. He needed to make sure he was there so that Remus didn't try anything again.

His mind kept replaying the events of the evening. Again and again, a horrible scenario in which Remus died kept forcing itself to the forefront of Sirius's mind. He knew that he would never forgive himself if he was ever at fault for Remus's death. Even if he just felt responsible, but actually wasn't. The guilt would eat him alive, tear him apart from the inside.

He ran his hands through his hair. There was no way he was sleeping tonight. He didn't want to, either. He knew that the second he closed his eyes, he would see images of Remus. He would see Remus on the bathroom floor again. That was a recurring image that haunted his dreams every night. He would see Remus at the bottom of the tower.

He needed to stop. He felt the vomit rising in his throat. He jumped out of his bed and rushed into the bathroom, falling to his knees in front of the toilet just in time.

After he had emptied his dinner into the toilet, he shakily stood up and walked over to the sink. He rinsed his mouth out and splashed his flushed face. He stood there, face still in his towel, unmoving.

"Sirius?" a sleepy voice asked. "You ok?"

Sirius looked up. "Yeah, I'm fine, James."

"You sure?" James walked over to Sirius. "I heard you throw up. And it's like 2:00 in the morning."

Sirius nodded. James looked at him closely. "You haven't slept, have you?"

Sirius sighed, then shook his head. "I tried. Couldn't get to sleep." He shrugged.

"It's Remus, isn't it?" said James. "You're worried about him. I can tell."

"Yeah, I guess."

"He'll be ok." James patted Sirius's shoulder comfortingly. "He'd tell us if anything was seriously wrong, right?"

Sirius nodded, hesitantly. There was no way in hell Remus would tell them anything. Sirius knew that from experience. "Yeah, you're probably right," he said, though. He knew Remus didn't want James- or anyone- to know. It wasn't his place to tell James.

"If you're sure you're ok," James said, "I'm going to head back to bed. Try to get some sleep, ok?" He hugged Sirius briefly, then walked quietly back to his bed.

Sirius heard him pull the curtains closed. He didn't realize it was so late, and he was sorry he had woken James. James didn't seem mad about it, though. That was good. He walked back to his own bed, flopping down on top of it.

He was in for another sleepless night. He didn't mind. It was better than a restless sleep, tossing and turning, haunted by images of a dead Remus.

He was going to make sure Remus was ok. He was going to be there for Remus. Everything would work out. Eventually, everything would be ok, right?

A/N:

holy shit a double update today. i am much happier with this chapter. please enjoy it :)
also i forgot to mention in the note for the last chapter: if you are ever in a similar situation, where ur the lily and ur friend is the remus, PLEASE go to a teacher/parent/counselor/adult. even if the situation is less serious

i have been vibing to i miss having sex but at least i don't want to die anymore by waterparks on repeat for the past 36 hours. it is a fucking bop. go listen to it rn

if u wanna maybe comment i would love that and love you forever, but no pressure :)

stay safe, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all 3

ktf xolyn