Chapter Fourteen: Hoodie-Stealing Should Be a Love Language

Remus woke early, again. It's not that he wanted to ignore Sirius. He loved Sirius, and loved talking to him and spending time with him. But it hurt too much, knowing that Sirius liked someone else.

Remus had told himself again and again that Sirius would never love him back. He had told himself that eventually, Sirius would find someone. But as much as he had prepared himself for that, it still felt like a punch in the stomach, like someone had ripped his heart out. He had underestimated just how badly it would hurt.

He rolled over. It was 4 am. Breakfast started at 7:00, and first period wasn't until 9:00. Probably none of the other boys would be up for several hours. It was better that way. It wouldn't be awkward, Remus would be able to avoid them.

He decided it was better to get up now. He sat up, pulled on his shoes, and walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He hadn't bothered to get undressed the night before, and didn't have the energy to change. Whatever, it was fine. He didn't care.

Remus tip-toed across the room, careful not to wake the others. He pulled an old grey hoodie over his t-shirt. It was soft and warm and a little bit big. He could hide in it. Sirius had given it to him the year before, when they were in Hogsmeade and Remus had forgotten his jacket. Remus didn't give it back. Sirius didn't seem to mind.

He left the common room, deciding that he would go to the library. He could sit in a corner and read, or just sit there doing nothing. He wouldn't be interrupted there. No one came into the library before breakfast, unless it was during exams.

He reached the library without a problem, and went over to the Defense Against the Dark Arts section. He might as well try to be productive. They were doing Patronuses in class, and had been for a while now. Remus was one of the very few students left who couldn't produce even a little bit of mist.

There were a handful of students, who could produce a fully-formed Patronus. James, Sirius, and Lily all could. Almost all the others could make some attempt at it. Remus couldn't. As hard as he tried, he just couldn't get it.

He knew why. In order to summon your Patronus, you needed to concentrate on your happiest memory. The problem is, you can't really do that if you don't have any happy memories to focus on. Sure, there were brief times when Remus was happy, but, floating in the back of his mind, the thoughts of "what if you were just dead" were still there.

Remus pulled out a chair and slumped down in it. He decided he didn't have the energy to try and work right now. He buried his face and his arms and let the tears come. He sat there, crying, for a while. He wasn't sure how long. Maybe it was 5 minutes, maybe it was an hour.

"You're so fucking stupid," he said to himself. "You just need to get the fuck over him. You knew this was coming. You've always known. He's so fucking handsome and perfect, it's a shock everyone isn't all over him. He will never love you back. Don't be so fucking stupid."

He straightened up a little bit. He knew he was a mess. His hair was falling all over his face, but he didn't care enough to fix it. He was crying in the library at 4-something in the morning, because he was in love with his best friend. It was really fucking pathetic, wasn't it.

It wasn't even like a breakup. They had never dated, never been anything more than friends. Hell, Sirius didn't even know that Remus liked him. Because Remus lied and pretended, like he did with so many other things. But that was how he survived, so that's what he did. That's how he had survived this far. But it wasn't living. How far had he really come?

"I fucking love you, Sirius Black," he whispered.

"Remus?" a voice asked, soft, unsure, unsteady.

Remus jerked up, and hurriedly backed up against a wall. He looked over. Sirius was standing there, half hidden behind another bookshelf. This had to be a dream. It had to be.

Sirius stepped out from behind the bookshelf and walked slowly over to Remus. Remus closed his eyes. He knew Sirius was standing right there, in front of him.

"Remus?" Sirius said again. He sounded so unsure, almost afraid.

Remus didn't say anything, didn't move. just prayed that he would wake up. Sirius reached out and gently put his hand under Remus's chin. He opened his eyes, and Sirius tilted his chin up.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked softly.

"What- why?" Remus stuttered out.

"Because I'm in love with you too, dumbass," Sirius said.

He leaned down, and pressed a gentle kiss against Remus's lips. Sirius stood there, smiling at Remus. He took his sleeve and wiped away Remus's tears, then tucked Remus's hair behind his hair.

Remus smiled. Sirius leaned down and kissed him softly again. Sirius pulled Remus into a tight hug. Remus laid his head in Sirius's chest. He was warm and strong and safe.

"I fucking love you, Remus Lupin," Sirius murmured.

"I love you too," said Remus.

Remus pulled back from the hug a little bit, and Sirius frowned, confused. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck, and standing on his tip-toes, kissed him again, harder this time.

Sirius grinned and kissed him back. It was slow and wonderful and passionate and felt just right. Remus's back hit the wall, and they stayed there. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's waist and pulled him even closer.

Sirius pulled away, catching his breath. He smiled down at Remus. "Be my boyfriend?" he whispered, still unsure of himself.

"Of course," Remus whispered back, then once again pressed his lips against Sirius's.

He was finally kissing Sirius. It was unbelievable. Sparks exploded inside of him, he felt warm and safe and everything was perfect. He couldn't believe it. And now, he could call Sirius, the boy he had loved for so long, his boyfriend. He couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop kissing Sirius.

"I love you," Remus whispered again. "I love you so much, Siri."

"I love you too, Remy," Sirius whispered back. "Now shut up and kiss me."

A/N:

hi. have another chapter. i swear this comic sans thing is magic and also i am in love with this fic
this chapter has been a long time coming, and i'm sure you have all been eagerly awaiting it. if you wanna comment, i would love that. i swear they make me so fucking happy

take care of yourselves, drink some water, eat something, take ur meds. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn