trigger warning

Chapter Seventeen: The Semantics of a Sock

"Why the fuck would I put a sock on the door?" Sirius asked.

James groaned. "For the last time, because I didn't fucking want to see you two making out."

"Doesn't mean I should have put a sock on the door. I would rather have had you walk in on that then assuming I'm fucking someone."

Remus was laying on his bed, listening to James and Sirius pointlessly bicker. He didn't care anymore. He rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head, sighing loudly and pointedly. James threw a shoe at him.

"Just forget it," Peter said. He had refused to take a side in the argument.

James turned to Peter. "You're just lucky I was in front," he said. "Fucking traumatizing."

"For the last time, it was not traumatizing!" Sirius exclaimed.

"His tongue was in his mouth," James mouthed at Peter. Peter ignored him.

"I have an idea," Remus said, his voice slightly muffled. "Why don't you both shut the hell up."

"Here's an idea," said James. "How about Sirius buys me bleach for my eyes and soul and brain, and then we can call it even."

Remus sighed even louder.

"Here's another idea," Sirius said mockingly. "How about you fuck off and stay out of other people's business."

"I think it becomes my business once I see it."

Sirius threw up his hands, exasperated. "I'm done with this fucking argument, James. I don't care if you're pissed."

James chuckled. "Just don't let it happen again."

"No promises," Sirius muttered. He walked over to Remus's bed and flopped down next to him. He wrapped his arm around Remus and pulled him closer.

Remus rolled over, cuddling up against Sirius. Sirius smiled. James pretended to vomit, and Peter kicked him. "I'm going to go get ready for bed," Remus said after a minute.

Sirius whined softly, but Remus got up, gathered his stuff, and walked into the bathroom. He locked the door, hands shaking slightly, then dropped his pajamas on the floor. He pulled his blade out of his pocket and dragged it across his wrist a few times. The bright red cuts criss-crossed over the jagged white scars.

He pulled on his pajamas and brushed his teeth. Once his arm had stopped bleeding enough and he had flushed the bloody tissues, he left the bathroom and walked back towards his bed. Sirius was still laying on it.

"Sirius, I'm exhausted," Remus said.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'm going to bed."

"Ok."

Remus sighed, realizing what Sirius was doing. "Would you please get off of my bed?"

Sirius shook his head. "Your bed is comfy. I don't want to. Also, I want to cuddle."

Remus dropped his clothes in a pile next to his bed. He didn't have enough energy to care about them. He lay down on his bed, pressed a quick kiss on Sirius's forehead, then shoved the older boy off.

Sirius hit the floor rather hard. James burst out laughing. "Don't ever underestimate Remy," he said.

Sirius groaned, stretched, then glared at Remus. "That was a dick move, Lupin."

Remus shrugged, then pulled the curtains closed. A few minutes later, he heard the other boys getting into their beds as well. He was awake long after them. He was exhausted, but couldn't seem to fall asleep.

It was so fucking frustrating. He just wanted to cry. Everything hurt, he was anxious, depressed, so, so tired. Why couldn't he just sleep? He groaned and rolled over again. The full moon was in two days, and he was not looking forward to it.

Sirius could hear that Remus was still awake. He also knew how tired he was, and wondered why Remus was still up. He got up and tip-toed over to Remus's bed.

Remus sat up. Sirius had pulled back the curtains around his bed. "Can't sleep?" Sirius asked softly.

Remus nodded.

"Wanna cuddle?"

Remus smiled, nodding again. Sirius grinned. He climbed into Remus's bed, pulling the curtains closed behind him. He lay down next to Remus, wrapping his arm around Remus's waist and pulling him close.

Finally, Sirius felt Remus drifting off to sleep. He was holding Remus's hand gently, looking at his boyfriend with admiration. Remus shifted slightly, and his sleeve moved up towards his elbow.

Sirius was met with the sight of clearly fresh cuts on Remus's pale wrist, crossing over many layers of thick scars. They couldn't have been more than a few hours old. It felt as though Sirius had been stabbed in the heart. How could he not have noticed?

He ran his fingers over the cuts, gently, barely touching them. He looked back to Remus's face. He looked more peaceful in his sleep than Sirius had ever seen him.

"Why, Remy?" he whispered. "Why?"

He leaned down, brushing the hair off Remus's forehead. He kissed it softly, murmuring promises to make sure Remus was ok. He tugged Remus's sleeve back down and lay there, next to his boyfriend, thinking.

He needed to keep Remus safe. He needed to. It hurt him so badly to know that Remus was hurting that much. Hell, Remus had tried to kill himself yesterday. Of course he wasn't ok. Sirius still needed to talk to Remus about that. He needed to know why.

"I love you, Remy," he said, in a tone barely audible. "I love you so much, and I'm going to make sure you're ok."

In his sleep, Remus moved closer to Sirius, unconsciously curling into his side. Sirius smiled softly.

He closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep. For the first time in several weeks, he didn't dream of finding Remus's body, minutes too late to do anything. He dreamt of Remus, of kissing him softly, of holding him close, of shouting to the world that Remus was his.

A/N:

i'm so fucking people-d out. it's exhausting. i can't do it. i just want to cry. my head hurts, and my eyes hurt, and i just want to sleep but i have homework and shit. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. fuck everything

take care, i love you all sm

ktf xolyn