trigger warning

Chapter Eighteen: Thank Fuck for Glamour Charms

Remus leaned back, resting his head on Sirius's shoulder. The two boys were sitting at the edge of the lake. It was quiet; there was a slight breeze. They had been sitting there for a while. Sirius had insisted that they skip last period. Remus had suggested the lake.

Finally, Sirius straightened up, turning to Remus. "Remy, we need to talk."

Remus stiffened, but didn't say anything.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Last night," he began, then paused, thinking. "Last night. In bed. I saw your arm."

Remus froze for a second, then relaxed. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said softly.

"Don't bullshit me, Remy, please."

Remus bit his lip. He carefully slipped his wand into his hand, keeping it hidden with his sleeve, and waved it over his arm, wordlessly applying a glamour charm to his cuts. He had stayed behind in Charms, waving Sirius off and telling him to meet him in the Great Hall for lunch. He asked Professor Flitwick about glamour charms, and the tiny professor had been happy to teach him. Obviously, he hadn't let Flitwick see the cuts, but it still worked out nicely.

"Can I see your arm?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus didn't look at Sirius. He didn't object, though, when Sirius gently took hold of his wrist. Sirius pushed up his sleeve, but frowned when he was met with only scars. There were no fresh cuts in sight. Remus gave a tiny sigh of relief.

Sirius's fingers ghosted over the scars. There was no sign of any cuts. Sirius brought Remus's arm to his lips, kissing the scars gently. He pulled Remus's sleeve back down and let go of his arm.

He brought his face close to Remus's. "I love you," he whispered, and pressed his lips softly against Remus's.

"I love you too," Remus whispered back.

Inside, though, all Remus could think was that he was so fucking thankful the glamour charm worked. He knew he couldn't cover up the scars, because Sirius had seen them before. He would have known that Remus was using some sort of charm, and then he would have seen the cuts.

It hurt Remus to hide things from Sirius. But he had to, and it wasn't the only thing he was hiding. They were on a need-to-know basis, and Sirius wasn't on that list. Remus tried to brush away the guilt. It wasn't guilt over cutting. He never felt guilty. He knew that was probably fucked up, that he should probably regret it. But he didn't. He never did. He did feel a little bit guilty about essentially lying to Sirius.

It was for the best, though. Sirius didn't need to know. Remus didn't want him to worry. And it would all work out in the end. No one would find out, and, if they did, it wouldn't matter anymore.

Sirius stood up, helping Remus to his feet. He stood behind Remus, arms wrapped around him, looking out over the lake. "It's so beautiful today," Sirius murmured.

Remus hummed in agreement, still caught up in his thoughts. Sirius noticed, of course. "You good?"

"Hmm? Yeah, just thinking."

Sirius nodded understandingly. "Penny for your thoughts?"

Remus shook his head, smiling softly. Sirius looked at him fondly. "I love you," they both said.

Remus spun around, surprising Sirius by kissing him suddenly. He wasn't surprised for long, though, and quickly deepened the kiss. It was quiet, aside from the sounds of nature. The breeze rustling the trees at the edge of the forest, a bird chirping somewhere. But they were alone, and it was perfect.

Sirius pulled away. "Why did you go to the Astronomy Tower?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Remus said instantly.

"Please, Remy," Sirius begged.

"I said no, Sirius," Remus said firmly.

Sirius didn't want to push it. "It's ok," he murmured. "You don't have to talk about it."

Remus nodded and half-smiled gratefully.

"I'm always here, though," Sirius said. "You can always come to me, always talk to me. I love you."

"Thanks," Remus said softly. He really did appreciate it, even if he knew he would never do it. It's not that he didn't trust Sirius, he did. But he didn't trust anyone, even Sirius, when it came to stuff like cutting or his suicidal thoughts. He had never really opened up about them at all. And he wasn't ready to.

Besides, it was easier if he pretended everything was relatively ok. Sirius would be happy, and he could pretend to be happy. It had worked for several years. No one had suspected a single thing when they were all first years, or even during second or third year. It wasn't until the end of last year that Sirius realized there was clearly something wrong with Remus.

It wouldn't matter soon, though. And Sirius could move on with his life, and so could James and Peter and Lily, and they would all forget the little ripple that was once Remus Lupin. And everyone could be happy. And Remus could be happy, for once.

"We should probably head back pretty soon," Remus said. "We've got a shit ton of homework to do tonight."

Sirius groaned loudly. "Don't remind me."

Remus chuckled. "You know full well that if I don't remind you, you won't remember at all."

"You have a point," Sirius conceded. "But still. We are on a date, and I don't want you marring that with homework."

"Is this a date, then?" Remus asked, a little bit surprised.

"Do you want it to be?"

"Yeah."

"Then a date it shall be," Sirius declared. He spun Remus around by one arm, then dipped him, kissing him passionately.

When Remus was standing upright again, he grabbed Sirius's hand. "Let's go," he said, gesturing towards the castle. "We have to."

"Fine," groaned Sirius, though he smiled as Remus pulled him towards the castle. He still couldn't believe the butterflies he got in his stomach every time he looked at Remus, or kissed him, or felt their hands together. Fuck, he loved Remus so much. It was Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus, forever.

A/N:

-vent/rant (tw)-

so i thought i was feeling better today. turns out that's not fucking true and i feel so fucking shitty. i got a comment on my latest instagram post, telling me to kms. i didn't realize how badly that affected me until i was on the way home from play practice, just driving in the dark by myself. the thoughts are so scary.
i realized, i'm writing so much as an outlet, projecting myself onto remus so i don't do something really fucking stupid. i have my play performance this saturday and sunday. i'm one of the leads. i need to be there. i also have to wear a short-sleeved outfit for part of it. this isn't the first time i've had a vague idea for after the play is over. i'm trying, but so much of me is just so tired of even bothering
so much doesn't even feel real anymore. i can hear my brother playing a video game in the other room, but it's so disconnected from me. it's almost midnight, i'm probably going to try to eat something and then go cry in the shower or some shit. i'm so emotionally/mentally/physically exhausted

take care of yourself, try to get some sleep, drink some water. i love you all so much

ktf xolyn