trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Two: In Which Sirius Kind of Majorly Fucks Up

Sirius was kind of panicking. He had gone back to the hospital wing, to see if he would be allowed to visit Remus. Madam Pomfrey told him that Remus didn't want any visitors. She wouldn't say why. She did say that he was probably being released soon.

Sirius was pacing back and forth in front of the hospital wing, waiting. His mind was racing. He desperately wanted to ask Remus, to know the truth. But at the same time, he was afraid that Remus would get mad, or would shut him out.

Someone coughed slightly. Sirius looked up. Remus was standing in the doorway, shifting his weight back and forth. "Hey," he said quietly.

Sirius practically ran over to him. "Remy!"

Remus smiled. He kissed Sirius softly.

"How are you feeling?" asked Sirius anxiously.

"Fine."

Sirius groaned inwardly. 'Fine' wasn't an answer, and Remus knew that. It was avoiding the question. It was the answer when you were anything but ok, but it was the socially acceptable answer. "Really, Remy?"

Remus nodded. "I'm fine."

Sirius knew that Remus would just repeat that he was fine, especially when he wasn't. But Sirius didn't want to push it, especially not with the conversation that was looming over them. He did look ok, Sirius would give him that. There were no signs of any cuts or bruises. He was a little bit pale, but that wasn't unusual for Remus.

Then, a wave of realization hit Sirius. He pushed it away for now, and gently took hold of Remus's hand. "Shall we?" he asked, gesturing grandly towards the stairs.

Remus grinned. He allowed Sirius to lead him up the stairs. In relative silence, the two boys made their way back to the Gryffindor Tower. It was empty, as everyone was still in class. Remus followed Sirius up the stairs to their dorm room.

Sirius closed the door firmly behind them, and stood with his back against it. He took a deep breath. "Drop the glamours," he said.

Remus stiffened. "What?"

"You heard me, Remy," Sirius said softly. "Drop the glamours."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Remus wouldn't look in Sirius's direction.

"Remus, please," begged Sirius, grabbing one of Remus's hands.

Remus pulled his hand away, crossing his arms and curling inwards.

"How much shit are you hiding, Remy?"

"It's none of your fucking business," said Remus, his voice unimaginably cold.

Sirius winced. "Please, Remy?"

"I already said no."

Remus tried to push past Sirius, but he was blocking the door and significantly taller and stronger. Sirius grabbed Remus's arm, and the smaller boy let out a small gasp of pain. Sirius dropped his arm as if it had burned him. Remus had tears in his eyes, but Sirius only saw them for a split second, before Remus flipped his hair in front of his face.

"I know you're a werewolf," Sirius blurted out.

Remus froze. Everything was completely still, completely silent. Sirius's head pounded, and he cursed himself for being so fucking tactless. And then Remus was gone. All in an instant, he pushed past Sirius, opened the door, and took off running. Sirius was still frozen, staring at the open door, unable to move.

Then, something inside Sirius snapped into action. He took off as well, chasing Remus. He saw the portrait hole swinging closed, and he burst through it. He saw Remus going downstairs, and he followed him.

Sirius ran out onto the grounds, looking around frantically for Remus. He didn't know which way he had gone. This was bad. Sirius had majorly fucked up, and he knew it. He decided to look by the lake first, as he knew Remus often went there to be alone.

Remus was standing on a tall rock overlooking the lake. His back was to Sirius, and he was holding something in his hand. Sirius was pretty sure he was crying. He slowly walked towards him, trying to be as quiet as possible.

Of course, he stepped on a twig. The snapping echoed around him. Remus turned around, tears streaming down his face. The glamours were gone, and he was covered in cuts and bruises. Sirius was pretty sure he had a few stitches along one cheek. And was that a blade in his hand?

"Go away, Sirius," Remus said, a little bit shakily.

"You know I won't," Sirius replied softly.

Remus held up his hand, and the sunlight glinted off of the blade. "Go away."

Sirius inhaled sharply. "Remus-"

"I said to fucking go away." He set the blade against his wrist.

Sirius let out a strangled sound, but didn't move. "Remus, listen to me."

"No! Go away, Sirius." A dry sob burst from Remus's lips, and Sirius watched helplessly as Remus sank to his knees, still keeping the blade to his wrist and his eyes on Sirius.

"Put the blade down, Remy," Sirius said softly.

"Just fucking go," Remus sobbed. "I don't want your fucking sympathy! Don't fucking pretend to care!"

"Remus, I do care. I care so fucking much."

"That's what everyone always says," Remus scoffed. "They all pretend to care, claim that they care so much, but they never do. They find out, and then suddenly it's 'different' because I'm not worth it any more. I know how it works."

"Please, Remy. I care so much. I love you."

"Just fuck off!" Remus yelled.

Sirius's heart dropped. That tone, that expression, it didn't fit Remus. There was so much pain, so much hatred, it was unbearable. "Please, Remy." He broke off, his voice cracking a little bit.

"Leave," spat Remus.

"You know I can't do that, Remy," Sirius said. He took a step towards Remus.

Remus waved the blade in Sirius's direction. "Don't fucking come any closer!" He set it back against his wrist. "I'll do it!"

Sirius reached out a hand. "Remus-"

"Just go, Sirius! I'm tired of everyone's fake sympathy. Don't give me yours." He closed his eyes, trying to hold back the sobs.

Sirius was frozen, forced to watch helplessly as the tears streamed down Remus's cheeks. Remus's hands were shaking, and he still held the blade against his wrist.

Sirius watched in horror as his hand moved, dragging the blade down his wrist. Remus's eyes shot open and he dropped the blade. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he stammered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

Sirius sprang into action. He rushed towards Remus, sprinting up the rock and pulling Remus into his arms. He ran his wand over the cut, healing it instantly. It wasn't that deep, but still needed attention. Sirius Vanished the blade, prompting Remus to let out an indignant noise.

"Remy, we need to talk about everything," Sirius said softly, pulling his boyfriend close to him.

"We don't have to talk about shit," Remus said bitterly.

Sirius sighed. "I'll go to Dumbledore." He hated threatening Remus, he hated it so much. But he knew that if Remus didn't talk to anyone, it would get very bad very quickly.

"Fine."

Sirius smiled. He pressed a kiss to the top of Remus's head. "It'll be ok, Remy," he said.

Remus didn't say anything. The truth was, it wouldn't be fine. He was too fucked up for it to be fine. But soon enough, it would all be over. He wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit, and it would all be ok. Soon. And Remus couldn't wait.

A/N:

i got the recording of my play. it was amazing, except i'm not at all happy with my performance. also i look so bad it one of the costumes. all i can focus on is how much it emphasizes how fucking fat i am. also, i don't look or sound anything like myself. cause i had to wear this rlly long dark wig (my hair is super short and blonde-ish), i didn't wear my glasses, my makeup was several shades too light, and i was talking in a higher/head voice. idk. everyone else was amazing tho

i can't even describe my emotions. i'll go from being relatively ok/numb to wanting to die so fucking badly. after i got out of class today, i watched robin williams clips on youtube for like 2 and a half hours. and it was so fucking numb. and now i'm just so fucking sad. what am i even doing anymore

i'm hopefully going to record a cover in the next day or two. that might help, idk (i post covers of songs on instagram)

take care, i love you all sm 3
ktf xolyn