trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Three: Fuck Remus Instead

Remus was standing on the top of the Astronomy Tower. He closed his eyes and stretched out his arms. feeling the wind rushing over him. It was crisp and cool and strong and powerful. He took another step forward, smiling slightly as he did.

"Remus!"

Remus ignored the voice and stepped forward again.

"Remy!"

His hands were on the railing. He felt the cool metal beneath his finger tips.

"Remus!"

He was climbing over the railing. The voice kept calling his name, but he ignored it. It sounded familiar, but Remus couldn't quite place it.

One hand was on the railing, keeping him steady. He leaned out. There was a thrill at the imminent danger, at the thought of just letting go. It would all be over so soon. He could let go, and then he would fall, fall, fall. And then nothing.

Remus was shaking. The wind rushed over him, filling his head with white noise. He could barely hear the voice calling out his name. He just wanted to let go. He just wanted it all to be quiet. He just wanted peace. He just wanted to be happy. Was that too much to ask? His fingers clenched around the railing.

Remus opened his eyes. He was sitting on a rock by the lake. Sirius was sitting next to him, shaking him and calling his name. Remus bit his lip and looked away, blinking back tears.

"Remy?" Sirius asked softly. "You ok?"

"I'm fine," spat Remus, trying to mask the pain with anger.

Sirius frowned, knowing it was a lie. He didn't push it, though. He knew Remus was already mad at him. It was fair, he would give Remus that. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Sirius looked back at Remus. The younger boy was crying; he had given up any attempt at trying to stop the tears. He slumped against Sirius, letting the tears stream down his face and onto the front of Sirius's sweater. Sirius felt his heart break, looking at his boyfriend in so much pain.

He wrapped his arms around Remus, pulling him closer against his chest. Remus relaxed into the hug, going limp against Sirius. They sat there in silence, Remus crying and Sirius just holding him. And somehow, it just felt right.

"Why?" whimpered Remus, mostly to himself. "Why does it have to be me?"

Sirius didn't say anything. He didn't move. He just waited.

"It's not fucking fair. Why can't I just be happy?"

It was at that moment that a tear rolled down Sirius's cheek. He pulled Remus into an even tighter hug. "I fucking love you, Remy," he whispered.

Sirius felt Remus smile against him, then Remus's almost silent response, "I love you too." Sirius was pretty sure his heart just about melted.

Remus cried until he could cry no more. Sirius just held him, let him cry. He wanted to do something more, but he didn't know what Remus needed.

"You wanna head back up to the castle?"

Remus shrugged.

"Do you care?"

Again, Remus shrugged. He didn't have the energy to make any decisions. Sirius understood.

"It's ok," he said. "Let's go."

Together, they walked hand in hand back up to the castle. They were walking up the third flight of stairs, when a sharp voice made them both stop.

"Mr. Black!"

Sirius winced, turning around. Professor McGonagall was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips, glaring over her glasses at them.

"And where, pray tell, were you this afternoon?"

Remus looked at Sirius, confused.

"I wasn't feeling well?" said Sirius, though it came out as more of a question.

"Hmm, I highly doubt that. Detention, 8:00, my office."

"Wait-"

"No, Mr. Black, I'm afraid I will not wait. You chose to cut class, and I choose to make sure you serve your detention."

Sirius groaned loudly.

"Don't be late," she said, turning to go.

Sirius started up the stairs again, complaining loudly about detention.

"Siri, why'd you skip class?" asked Remus.

Sirius shrugged. "Couldn't think. Needed to clear my head."

"Fair enough."

Remus didn't have the energy to talk, and Sirius was still pissed about detention, so it was quiet for the rest of the walk to their dorm. Sirius pushed the door open, and James jumped up off of his bed, walking quickly over to them.

"You ok, Remy?" he asked, pulling Remus into a gentle hug.

Remus was surprised, but relaxed quickly. He nodded. "Yeah, fine. Thanks James."

James looked at Sirius, and the two had a silent conversation.

"Did you ask him?" James's eyes asked.

"Yeah."

"Bad?"

"Yup."

"Fuck."

"Oh yeah."

Peter looked back and forth between the two of them. "Stop it! I know you're doing the freaky fucking talking thing."

"Sorry," said James, not sounding sorry at all.

"Anyway," said Sirius, "I fucking swear McGonagall is out for me. She gave me detention again today."

"You did skip class," pointed out James.

"I know, but since when does that warrant a detention?"

"Since forever," said Peter.

"And you've cut class a lot this year," James added.

"Whatever," groaned Sirius, flopping down on his bed. "Fuck school."

"Fuck Remus instead," James muttered.

Remus turned dark red. Sirius didn't move, but flipped James off from where he was laying. "Shut the fuck up," he said, though it came out very muffled.

"Don't forget, we have Astronomy tonight," said Peter.

Remus and Sirius both stiffened. Sirius knew what had happened a few days ago. Remus was thinking about his night- day- whatever- mare he had had that afternoon. He hadn't been asleep, but he wasn't at all aware of what was happening around him. The thoughts started to come, fast and relentless.

He quickly stepped into the bathroom. Sirius was still laying face-down on the bed and didn't notice. He reached into his pocket for his blade, but it wasn't there. Fuck, where was it? He was way too careful to have lost it. He needed it so badly. There weren't any in the bathroom, he kept one in his pocket and the rest hidden in his trunk. And the others were out there. Where was it, damnit?

Sirius. Sirius had Vanished it. He had taken it and Vanished it and Remus would never get it back. It had been his favorite blade. Fuck, he needed to cut so badly. Without even realizing, he let out a sob of frustration, pulling at his hair. "Fuck," he whimpered. "I need it. Fuck, fuck."

There was a soft, panicked knock at the door. "Remus?"

It was Sirius fucking Black, the absolute last person that Remus wanted to see right now. He had taken Remus's blade, and now Remus needed it so badly. Fuck, it hurt so much. He needed to cut. He needed the pain, to see the blood well up. He was so reliant on his blade. He knew it, but he didn't give a damn. He needed it.

Sirius forced the door open. Remus was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying weakly and pulling at his hair. Sirius sank down onto his knees and brought Remus onto his lap, holding both of Remus's hands firmly in his own.

"I need it," sobbed Remus.

It hit Sirius what he was talking about. Sirius's blood ran cold. Remus wanted to cut.

Sirius rocked him back and forth, humming softly. "It's ok," he whispered. "You don't need it. I've got you."

"No, no, no! I needed it! Why did you take it?"

"Because it's not good," Sirius replied, keeping his voice very soft and steady. "You don't need it."

"I do," Remus sobbed. "Please."

"No," Sirius said firmly. "I can't let you."

Sirius sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the counter. Remus was sitting on his lap, crying into his chest for the second time that day. Sirius held both of Remus's hands in his. Not hard, just firmly.

"I've got you," he whispered. "It'll be ok."

A/N:

another chapter look at me go

i just wanted to say thank you. i have gotten an unbelievable amount of support from this story, both about the story itself and my notes. i appreciate it so fucking much. every single comment makes me smile, and i love you all so fucking much. i do recognize usernames and shit, and i do seriously consider you all my friends 3

also i'm currently playing a game of "how much can i queer-code my outfits at my super catholic school before someone calls me out on it. so far it's going amazingly, and my best friend (who i'm out to) really appreciates it and says they are all very gay. i saw a tiktok on instagram that was like "if i don't look like a queer-coded cartoon villain when i dress, what, pray tell, is the point in dressing at all" and i feel like that accurately sums me up. i'm also playing a game of "how gay can i be on my main insta story before someone calls out my bullshit." the answer is currently a whole fucking lot

take care of yourselves, drink some water, try to get some sleep. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn