trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Five: It's All One Big Ticking Time Bomb

Remus and Sirius had managed to make it back to the Tower undetected, and now they were heading to Astronomy with James and Peter. Remus was not looking forward to it. Mainly, because they would be on top of the Astronomy Tower. And Remus wanted nothing more than to throw himself off of it and just fucking die at last.

He knew he wouldn't, not tonight. There would be too many people there. Sirius would be there. There was no way he would be able to successfully pull it off, and if he tried and failed, that would be really bad. He knew that Sirius was worried as well. No doubt Sirius was going to be watching him very closely.

Remus was right. Sirius was close to panicking. The last thing he wanted was for Remus to be back on top of the Astronomy Tower, even if it was just for a class. He knew the only thing Remus would be able to focus on would be jumping. Fuck, it hurt so much to think about Remus considering something like that.

James pushed the trapdoor open and climbed onto the roof, holding it open for the rest of them. All Remus could think about was how he had come up here not that long ago, and what exactly he had proceeded to do. Sirius climbed onto the roof and held out his hand, helping Remus up.

Sirius pulled Remus close to him, holding tightly onto his hand. Remus was glad, it was keeping him grounded, keeping him from doing anything stupid. Because at this point, he didn't even care that much. What was even the fucking point anymore?

Remus shuffled towards the edge. Sirius gripped his hand harder, and Remus gave him a little reassuring squeeze. He gazed over the railing. It was a perfectly clear night, and the stars were shining bright.

Remus wanted to jump so fucking badly. He wanted to pull his hand aware from Sirius's and wait until everyone was occupied. He wanted to climb over the railing and just stand there, relishing it. He wanted to let go. He wanted to fall. He wanted it all to end.

"Remus!" Sirius shook Remus out of his thoughts.

He looked desperately at his boyfriend. Sirius was looking sadly at him, clearly well aware of what Remus was thinking.

"I want to do it," Remus whispered, his voice barely audible between the chatter of students and the tears he was trying to hold back.

Sirius's gut clenched. He pulled Remus into a hug. "I know," he whispered. "But I've got you, ok?" He felt Remus nod against him.

"Sirius, I want to do it so badly!" Remus was hyper-ventilating now, on the verge of a panic attack.

"Hey, hey," said Sirius, holding both of Remus's hands. "It's ok. Do you want to leave?"

Remus hesitated, then nodded.

"Ok. Let's go talk to Professor Sinistra." He led Remus over to the teacher, still holding his hand tightly. He was afraid to let go, afraid of what rash decision Remus might make. "Excuse me? Professor Sinistra?"

The young Astronomy professor turned around. "What can I do for you, Mr. Black?" she said.

"Remus isn't feeling well," said Sirius. "Is it ok if we go back to the dorm?"

"I suppose," she said. "I hope you feel better, Mr. Lupin."

Sirius smiled gratefully, and he and Remus walked back over to the trapdoor. "Oi, James!"

James turned around. "What's up?"

"Remus isn't feeling good, so we're heading back to the dorms."

"Sounds good," said James. "Feel better, Remy." He patted Remus on the shoulder.

Remus was mostly unaware of the walk back to their dorm room. He was just trying to focus on his hand in Sirius's, Sirius's other hand around his waist, the little points of contact keeping him grounded.

When they were back in their room, Sirius sat down on the floor, pulling Remus onto his lap. They sat there, Sirius rubbing little circles on the back of Remus's hand, whispering little reassuring things in his ear, until Remus calmed down.

Remus leaned back against Sirius's chest. "Thank you," he whispered.

Sirius kissed him softly. "Of course, Remy. Anything for you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Remus felt overwhelmed with love for Sirius. He couldn't believe that Sirius actually liked him, that Sirius was actually his boyfriend. He was sometimes afraid that he would wake up and it would all be a dream.

And then the thoughts came back, the voices telling Remus what to do; to hurt himself, to kill himself. And Remus wanted nothing more than to listen to them. There was so much pain, he could hardly stand it. If he killed himself, it would all be quiet.

There would be no pain, no suffering, no anything. It would be quiet and dark and for once Remus wouldn't be absolutely miserable. He would miss Sirius, but that would be it. He wasn't sure if he would be able to leave Sirius, but if he didn't think about it like that, he would be able to go through with it.

As fucking wonder as Sirius was, it didn't change the fact that every single other thing was absolutely unbearable. Remus had no idea how he had made it this far. It wasn't an accomplishment. He was upset, upset with himself, upset with the world, for letting him make it this far. He didn't want to be here.

Sirius looked at Remus, concerned. He could tell Remus wasn't paying attention to anything, just listening to his thoughts. Fuck, Sirius loved him so much. He wanted Remus to be ok. He wanted to make everything ok. But there was only so much he could do. He hated feeling so fucking helpless.

It didn't help that Remus wouldn't really talk to him about it. Sirius was shocked when Remus actually told him what he was thinking when they were on the Astronomy Tower. They both knew what Remus was thinking, and they both knew that Sirius knew. Sirius was so proud of Remus for managing to tell him.

There was so much other stuff, though. They still hadn't really talked about any of Remus's problems. They hadn't talked about that night on the Astronomy Tower. They hadn't talked about the fact that Remus was a werewolf. It was all one big ticking time bomb. And if they didn't talk about it soon, Sirius knew it would all blow up in his face.

He couldn't push it, though. Remus would shut down, or snap, or run away and do something stupid. Sirius was still so mad at himself for what happened at the lake. He knew it was mostly his fault. He wanted to help Remus be ok, and then he had to go fuck it up like that.

But it would all be ok eventually. Sirius would make sure that Remus was ok. He would protect him with his life, do everything that he could to make sure Remus was safe.

"I love you, Remy," Sirius whispered, pressing a kiss on the top of Remus's head and drawing both of them out of their thoughts.

"I love you too, Siri," Remus whispered back.

A/N:

i swear my updating schedule is fucking wack. i updated at like midnight last night, and now it's currently 1:33 pm

so i'm currently looking to get a part time job, because i need money and i'm moving out this fall. so i like applied to target last week, and i've been waiting to hear back from them. then, this afternoon, i get an email from six flags about scheduling an interview because they're currently hiring. i applied at the beginning of last june. anyways, i think it's fucking hilarious and i'm going to schedule the interview and hopefully i get the job because that would be fucking rad

also all of you are rad and i love you all so much, and if u wanna like talk or something just lmk in the comments and we can figure something out like instagram or some shit. i swear i'm nice :)

take care of yourselves, eat something, drink some water, take ur meds. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn