trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Six: Sirius is Rather Fond of His Dick

"Remus, we need to talk."

"No, we don't," said Remus, crossing his arms and refusing to look at Sirius.

"Please, Remus," begged Sirius.

Remus put his head in his hands, wishing desperately that he hadn't let Sirius bring him here. They were alone in the Room of Requirement. It was very similar to when he had come here with Lily, who he had currently been avoiding, because he didn't want to talk about anything.

Sirius gently took hold of Remus's hands and looked at him. "Please, Remy? I fucking love you."

Remus sighed, feeling the tears well up. "I- I can't," he whispered.

"It's ok," said Sirius. "You've got this." He smiled warmly at Remus.

Remus opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. He shook his head.

"Would it help if I asked you questions?" asked Sirius.

Remus hesitated, then nodded slowly.

"Ok. Is it ok if I just jump right in?"

Remus nodded again, even slower. Sirius smiled at him and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hand.

"That night on the Astronomy Tower," said Sirius. "Why?"

Remus bit his lip, trying to figure out what to say. "You," he said finally.

"What?" said Sirius, completely shocked.

Remus looked at him, the pain evident in his eyes. "It's stupid, I know," he said. "But James said you had a crush, and I thought there was no way in hell it could be me. And I loved you for so long, and I knew that eventually you would find someone, and it wouldn't be me. And I thought I was prepared, but hearing it, I just couldn't take it." He stopped, overcome with tears.

Sirius felt his heart break. He reached out, wiping away the tears. Leaning forward, he softly kissed Remus. "I was just about ready to murder James," said. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," said Remus. "I know I fucked up."

"Don't," said Sirius, frowning. "Lily stopped you?"

"Sort of," said Remus, trying to think back to the details of that night. "I jumped." Sirius's grip tightened on one of his hands. "She stopped the fall."

"Oh, Remy."

"And she healed the cuts."

"Merlin, Remy," breathed Sirius.

"It's fine," said Remus.

"No, it's not fucking fine," said Sirius. "Merlin, Remy. You almost killed yourself. That's not fine."

Remus just shrugged. He wasn't really present. He was talking to Sirius, but the words were just sort of coming. He wasn't really aware of what he was saying. Then again, maybe when he left, he could go finish the job properly. Then it wouldn't matter what he told Sirius.

"You're a werewolf, aren't you?" asked Sirius.

Remus's nod was barely visible. "How did you know?"

Sirius thought for a little bit. "I'm not sure. I only pieced it together when I saw you in the hospital wing. I think it was a little bit of my gut telling me, even though I thought it was ridiculous at first, you know?"

"Yeah," said Remus. "Did you tell anyone?"

"I told James and Peter what I was thinking. I didn't confirm anything, though."

Remus bit his lip.

"But Dumbledore knows, right? And Pomfrey? They have to, right?"

"Yeah, they know. They've always known. Dumbledore somehow managed to pull some strings to get me here."

"How long?"

"I was five," Remus said shortly.

"Five, Remy? Fuck," said Sirius, his breath long and drawn out, his voiced hushed.

Remus shrugged. "I'm used to it."

Sirius kissed his hand again. "I wish you weren't."

There was a minute or two of silence, then Sirius spoke again. "Will you talk to me?" he asked. "Like, when you want to do anything? Just tell me. And we can do whatever it takes to distract you or help you or anything. Please?"

Remus thought about it. That is, he thought about it as much as he currently could, which wasn't much. "Fine," he said, after a while. "But I can't promise always."

"That's fair," Sirius said. "Just, let me help you, Remy. I love you so fucking much, and it hurts to see you in so much pain, and I want to help you. Ok?"

"Ok."

Sirius could tell that Remus was done talking. He respected his boyfriend's limits, and didn't want to push him. Especially after Remus had agreed to tell him this much. "I have detention with McGonagall," he said. "I'm lucky she didn't fucking castrate me after missing it. Will you be ok?"

Remus nodded. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

Remus nodded again. "Don't worry about me, Siri."

"I can't help worrying," Sirius said with a grin. "I love you too much." He stood up, helping Remus to his feet as well. "If you need anything, you come right to McGonagall's office and tell her it's an emergency, ok?"

"Ok," said Remus, knowing full well he would do no such thing.

Sirius smiled and kissed him. Remus returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm and passion. Fuck, he loved kissing Sirius so much. It was so fucking perfect. All too soon, Sirius pulled away. "Walk me to detention?"

Remus smiled, starting towards the door. "Never thought I'd be dating a delinquent," he said, laughing.

Sirius grinned. "Never would have pinned you for it either," he said.

When they reached Professor McGonagall's office, Sirius gulped nervously. "Let's hope she doesn't castrate me today," he said. "I'm rather fond of my dick."

Remus snorted, then patted Sirius on the shoulder, kissed him quickly, and pushed him towards the door. He watched as Sirius went in, and the door swung closed behind him.

He went back to their dorm. James was currently tutoring Peter in Charms. They were in the library, and would be for a while. Remus had the room all to himself.

He closed the bathroom door firmly, sliding down to sit against it. He rolled up his sleeve and pulled a blade out of his pocket. With a slight smile on his face, he moved it back and forth, watching the light glance off of it. Then, he set it on his wrist and slowly dragged it across. Once, then twice, then a third time. Over and over again, watching the blood slowly well to the surface.

A/N:

have another chapter because i am fucking in love with this fic. yes i know i update a lot but idc. also it helps me sm

i rewatched the dark knight with my brother and sister tonight. holy shit it's such an amazing movie. i fucking love gary oldman so damn much. not to be dramatic but i would die for him. holy shit i can't express the emotions i get when i watch him in something. just so we're all clear here, for this fic, young remus and sirius aren't the way they are in the flashback in death hallows pt 2. they are david thewlis and gary oldman, exactly how they are in the movies, just younger. holy fuck i love them so much

take care of yourselves, be kind to yourselves. you are all fucking amazing, and i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn