trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Seven: I'm so Fucking Proud of You, Remy

Sirius strolled towards the Gryffindor Tower, whistling loudly. Detention had been a bitch, but now it was over and he could hang out with Remus. Fuck, he loved Remus. He could tell Remus was in so much pain, and it hurt him to see him that way.

The common room was about half full of people, some doing homework, some playing chess, others talking loudly. He had always loved the environment, the people, the noise. And he was a Black. That was essentially Wizarding nobility, and pretty much everyone else knew it.

He walked up the stairs slowly. He saw James and Peter sitting in a circle of sixth years, playing cards. He was pretty sure James was cheating. James didn't cheat when it was just the four of them, but he wasn't above trying to cheat the older students out of honor, money, or whatever it was they were playing for.

That meant Remus was probably hanging out in the dorm room, alone. Remus wasn't big on people. He was extremely introverted and quiet. He also had problems with anxiety, including social anxiety. Sirius frowned a little bit, thinking of his boyfriend being alone while everyone else had fun.

It was a Friday night, which meant after curfew the seventh year boys would have a party in their room. One of them had a brother who lived in Hogsmeade and could sneak alcohol in. Fifth years and up were always invited. Sirius usually went with James, because it was free alcohol. Remus never went. Peter went occasionally.

Sirius pushed open the door. "Remy?" he called softly.

Remus, as it turns out, was sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at the layers and layers of cuts on his wrist. Maybe he had gone overboard a little bit, but they were so beautiful, and they stung just right.

He heard Sirius call his name, and froze. He had lost track of time. Shit. Pulling his wand slowly out of his pocket, he pointed it at the door and whispered a locking spell. He really didn't need Sirius busting in right now.

He sighed, guessing that he should probably clean up before Sirius got suspicious and tried to do something like break the door down. He didn't need that. Not again. He lazily waved his wand over himself, whispering, "Tergeo," as he did so.

The blood all vanished. He was sad to see it go. It was so bright, so captivating, so wonderful. He loved it. It was fucked up, he knew that well enough, but he didn't care. He couldn't care.

"Remy?" Sirius called again.

The boy in question took a deep breath, trying to steady his spinning head. "Yeah?" he called, weaker than he would have liked.

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "You ok?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Remus, trying to think of a believable lie. "I, uh, took a shower and I'm just cleaning up and shit."

"Ok."

Remus smiled to himself. Sirius had bought it without a question. Perfect. The bleeding had mostly stopped. It was good enough. No one would notice. He patted away a tiny bit with a piece of toilet paper, then waved his wand over his wrist, casting a thick and complicated layer of glamour charms over his cuts.

He could do it nonverbally now, and he was working on doing it wandlessly. He would probably have it down in a day or two. He wasn't really experienced in wandless or nonverbal magic, but this was handy. He did them in two layers, now. One that covered the scars, and a much thicker one that covered the cuts. He could wandlessly raise and drop the thinner layer. That way, in case Sirius wanted to check his arm, he wouldn't be suspicious at the lack of scars.

Remus rolled down his sleeve, flushed the bloody tissues down the toilet, and straightened out his sweater. He took a small drink of water and a few steadying breaths, then removed the locking charm and slid his wand back into his pocket. He opened the door.

Sirius was standing in the middle of the room. He turned when he heard the door open, and Remus watched as his face lit up. "Remy!"

Remus grinned, and Sirius ran over to him, picking him up and spinning him around, kissing him. Remus's head spun quite a bit. He stumbled a little bit when Sirius set him down. "You ok?" asked Sirius anxiously.

Remus nodded. "Just a little dizzy."

"Sorry about that," said Sirius sheepishly. He shrugged. "I missed you. Detention was a bitch."

"Was it now?" asked Remus rhetorically. "Maybe you should try not ditching class."

"What's the fun in that?"

Sirius pulled Remus into a long hug. "You actually doing ok?" he asked softly. Remus nodded. "Can I see your arm?"

Remus felt the wave of anxiety wash over him. Wordlessly, he dropped the layer of glamours hiding his scars. He looked at Sirius for a second and nodded, then looked away.

With unutterable tenderness, Sirius held Remus's arm and rolled up his sleeve. Remus held his breath, praying that the magic had worked. They both looked down.

There were no cuts, only layers upon layers of old, white scars. Remus let out a small sigh of relief. Sirius looked so unbelievably happy. He kissed Remus softly.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, Remy."

Remus's insides twisted. He didn't mind using glamours to lie to Sirius, but this was so much worse. He never, ever felt guilty about cutting. He didn't care. He knew he deserved it. But this was worse. Hearing Sirius tell him that he was proud of him for not cutting, when he had spent the entire time Sirius was in detention sitting on the bathroom floor, doing exactly that? Fuck, that was low.

Sirius kissed him again. "There's the party tonight," he said. "The one that the seventh years always throw. Will you come with me?"

Remus sighed. Every week this year, Sirius had asked him to go, and every week he had said no. He shook his head. "I'm not a party person, Siri," he said.

"Please?" begged Sirius. "Benjy Fenwick got a shit ton of firewhiskey from his brother."

Actually, on second thought, getting absolutely wasted sounded pretty good to Remus. "Fine," he said reluctantly.

Sirius was a little bit shocked. He usually bugged Remus a lot more, and Remus hadn't agreed once. But, there was a first time for everything. He grinned, kissing Remus passionately. "Party starts at 11:00," he said. "We've got plenty of time to kill until then."

A/N:

ugh life, am i right?

so i've got my school's winter formal dance on friday night. i am not a particularly big party person (ayyy social anxiety), but i'm going because they're always decent, and my friends are going, and it's my senior year. i really want to wear a suit, but my mom shut that shit down FAST. she wants me to wear a dress. i managed to talk my way into pants, but not a suit. so i guess that's a win? (i'm nonbinary, but not out to my family due to safety/religious reasons). also. i managed to swipe two beers, so i can be moderately tipsy at the dance. because parties are more fun when you're tipsy, and that way i won't be anxious

also i just watched air force one with my brother and holy shit i love that movie. i fucking love gary oldman so much. also harrison ford. they're two of my absolute favorite actors of all time (them and robin williams), and that movie is fucking perfection

take care, eat something, drink some water. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn