trigger warning

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Do I Dare Disturb the Universe?

Remus woke up in his bed with a pounding head and dried tear-tracks on his cheeks. Sirius was asleep next to him, a stupid smirk on his face. Remus sat up, but he immediately lay back down. His headache was unbelievable, and he was a little bit nauseous. "Fuck," he groaned.

He reached for the pain potion that was sitting on his bedside table and quickly gulped it down. His headache vanished, and he sighed in relief. He sat up again, running his hands over his face. His nose was extremely sore, as was his eye. He frowned, trying to remember the previous night.

He slowly walked to the bathroom to survey the damage to his face. He was sporting an impressive balck eye. There were little flecks of dried blood on his face, and his eyebrow was split. He ran his fingers over the tender area. Bits and pieces of last night were slowly coming back to him.

He remembered drinking a lot. He remembered making out with Sirius. Oh. He remembered being beat up by the seventh year. Fuck, it was because he had seen Sirius and Remus making out. That meant other people had probably seen them. Fuck, this was bad. Very, very bad.

Remus brushed his teeth and pulled on clean clothes, a black sweater and jeans under his robe. He wordlessly and wandlessly applied the layers of glamour charms to his wrist. He added another one to his face, then turned around.

Sirius was standing in the doorway, watching him carefully. "Hey," he said softly, walking over to Remus and giving him a gentle hug.

"Hey," replied Remus.

Sirius's fingers brushed lightly over Remus's face. The short boy winced. "I saw before them before you put the glamours up," said Sirius. "Fuck, Remy, I'm so sorry."

Remus shook his head. "it's not your fault."

Sirius kissed his forehead softly. He nodded. "It kind of is."

Remus sighed. "It's not, Siri."

"It is, though. I was the one kissing you."

Remus ignored Sirius's protests and silenced him with a kiss. "I'm fine, Siri."

"Remy-"

Remus shook his head. "I'm fine." He turned to go.

"Are you actually?" asked Sirius, his tone stopping Remus in his tracks.

"What?"

"Do you remember what you said last night? After I kicked Louis's ass?"

Shit, what did he say? Remus couldn't remember. But from Sirius's tone and facial expression, it was bad. He hoped he didn't say something absolutely stupid.

Sirius took a deep breath. "You said you wanted to die." He looked at Remus, his eyes full of tears. "You said you wanted to die, and I held you while you cried, begging to just die."

Remus swallowed, hard. He didn't remember, although it sounded vaguely familiar. "I-"

"Remy," begged Sirius, "did- did you mean it?"

Remus shrugged, pulling his hand out of Sirius's. He started towards the door again. Sirius reached out, but Remus kept going.

"Remy, please!"

Remus didn't listen. He hurried out of the dorm and into the common room. After a brief second, he ran out. He went down, deciding that he was going to go to the lake. He heard the common room door open and close behind him, but he ignored it.

A few minutes later, he was outside. It was chilly, and there was a crisp wind blowing across the grounds. Remus shivered and pulled his robe tighter around himself. He headed for the lake.

He stood on the rock, looking out over the lake. He heard someone behind him, standing at the base of the rock, holding their breath. He didn't turn around or acknowledge their presence.

"Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will revise," he said quietly, though his voice carried out across the rippling water.

All it would take was a brief moment of decisiveness. And then he could end it . End all the pain, the agony, the despair, all of it. There would be a tiny splash, a few ripples in the world, and then nothing. No one would remember him. It would be as if he had never even existed. And, oh, how much he wanted that!

He took a deep breath, then spoke again. "To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the headache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." He whispered the last bit, letting it trail out and away.

Remus couldn't describe how much he wanted to die. He couldn't stand the utter agony. He loved Sirius so much, but he hated himself even more. He couldn't have both. For every kiss he gave to Sirius, there were two cuts on his wrist.

"I just want to die!" he screamed. "Is that too fucking much to ask? I just want to die! I want it all to be over! I can't fucking do this anymore! It's too much!"

He sank to his knees, sobbing loudly. "I just want to die," he whimpered to no one. "Just let me die."

He picked up a tiny stone and hurled it as far as he could. It hit the surface of the water with a tiny splash and sank to the bottom. The tears streamed down Remus's cheeks.

"Why can't they let me die already," he whispered. "Why do they even bother trying to save me? I don't fucking want them to."

It was Sirius and Lily who had saved him. He could never hate them for it. But he hated himself for letting them. He should have planned more carefully, made sure he was alone, done everything he could to make sure they couldn't find him.

A thousand different ideas ran through his head, a thousand different ways to end it all. He could jump, slash his wrists, drown. He could take a potion, use a spell, hang himself. He just needed to stop being such a fucking pussy and do it.

He crumpled into a heap on the rock. He sobbed loudly, begging whatever deity existed to just let him die.

A/N:

i'm just cranking out chapters, damn

look at me quoting shakespeare/elliot because i'm a fucking nerd. i wrote most of this in my lit class today. because we're doing pointless review and i just want to read books. so much of school is so fucking pointless. i cannot wait for next year. i'm moving out and going to college. i'm so fucking excited. i'm going to my top choice college, with a ton of merit scholarship. it's liberal arts great books program, so i'm just going to be reading books for the next 4 years. holy shit i can't wait

take care, drink some water, i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn