trigger warning

Chapter Thirty: We Need to Tell Someone

Lily was sitting in the common room, reading a book, when she saw Remus run out of his dorm. He was clearly close to tears. He hurried out of the common room, and she followed him, half afraid he would head to the Astronomy Tower again.

He didn't, though. He went down and out of the castle, towards the lake. She watched as he wandered along the edge of the lake, before going to the top of the tallest rock that overlooked it.

She followed him to the base, but stepped on a stick as she did so. The loud crack echoed throughout the quiet air. She was sure he had heard it, but he made no sign. She stood there, watching and waiting.

"Do I dare disturb the universe?" Remus asked quietly. Lily's head shot up. Although his voice was quiet, it carried well. "In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will revise."

She wouldn't have pinned Remus for a modern poetry person. She didn't say anything, just waited. She knew what Remus was implying, and it scared her. She didn't know if he was talking to her, or to himself, or to no one in particular. She didn't know if he knew who it was behind him, though he doubtless knew someone was there.

As she watched closely, Remus took a deep breath, then spoke again. "To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." His voice trailed off, the longing painfully evident in it.

Shakespeare, another slightly surprising author for Remus to know off the top of his head. Then again, it didn't really matter who he was quoting. What mattered was that he was clearly suicidal, and possibly trying to convey it to her, or to the world as a whole. Sometimes, poetry and music could express your feelings more clearly than you ever could.

""I just want to die!" Remus screamed. Lily's heart stopped. This was bad. This was very bad. "Is that too fucking much to ask? I just want to die! I want it all to be over! I can't fucking do this anymore! It's too much!"

She suspected that Remus wasn't sure who was behind him. That made it all worse, because it meant he didn't care anymore. He didn't care who knew. And he was probably really fucking close to doing something stupid.

Lily slipped her wand into her hand, ready to act if Remus did something rash. He sank to his knees, sobbing. It was loud and guttural and painful. "I just want to die," he whispered, so softly that Lily could barely hear. "Just let me die."

He picked up a small pebble that was resting on the ground next to him, and hurled it as far out into the lake as he could. They both watched as it travelled in an arc through the air and hit the surface of the water with a tiny splash.

"Why can't they let me die already," Remus said softly. "Why do they even bother trying to save me? I don't fucking want them to."

Lily felt the tears welling up in her own eyes. She knew he was talking about her, probably about Sirius. The fact that Remus didn't want to be saved was heartbreaking. He was in so much pain, and there was so little she could do about it.

He fell silent and crumbled into a little ball on the rock, sobbing loudly. Lily knew she needed to act. She walked slowly up the rock to where Remus was, and gently put her arms around him. He relaxed into her hug, still sobbing loudly.

"Oh, Remus," she whispered sadly. "It's ok. I've got you."

He sat up a little, looking at her with pained eyes. "What if I don't want you to have me," he whispered, staring directly into her eyes. "What if I want you to leave me alone? What if I want you to let me die?"

Lily felt a tear slide down her cheek. "Remus-" she trailed off, not knowing what to say.

He continued. "What if I'm tired of fighting, tired of being alive? What if I can't do it anymore? What if I'm not worth it? What if it's easier to just give up?"

Lily heard another person approaching. It was almost definitely Sirius. But Remus hadn't heard, and she didn't say anything.

"I want to die, Lily," he whimpered. "I'm so tired."

She took his wrist gently and put her hand on his sleeve, waiting for him to give any sign to stop her. He didn't, so she pulled it up gently, scanning his arm for any new cuts. There weren't any. She sighed. "Drop the glamours, Remus."

Remus stiffened. "Wh- what glamours?"

Lily gave him a look. "I'm not stupid, Remus," she said. "You may have fooled Sirius, but not me. Drop them."

He bit his lip, but dropped the glamours, revealing all of the angry red cuts that had been hidden. To her left, she heard a tiny gasp. He dropped the glamours on his face as well. Lily was shocked to see his bruised and cut face. He was still crying.

"Oh, Remus," she said softly, hugging him tighter.

Remus had heard the gasp, though. He turned. Sirius was standing at the bottom of the rock, a saddened expression on his face. "Remy," he whispered. "Why?"

Sirius came up the rock and sank to his knees next to Remus. He looked at him, close to tears. "Why?"

Remus didn't say anything. He slumped against Sirius, who hugged tightly. Sirius kissed the top of his head gently.

"I can't do this," Remus whimpered. "I don't want to, either."

"Fuck, Remy," breathed Sirius softly.

"Just let me die!" screamed Remus suddenly, the loud outburst shattering the quiet of the lake.

Sirius looked helplessly at Lily. "We need to tell someone," she mouthed at him.

He nodded, looking sadly at Remus, who was crying into the front of his robe. This was not going to be pleasant.

A/N:

hello my wonderful people i hope you enjoyed this emotional pain i mean chapter

i feel like shit so that sucks. idk. still clean, but i want to just so i can feel something. because it's all numb except for this "i kinda just want to die" vibe. idk what i'm doing anymore. i'm so behind in school. like what is even the point? fuck

stay safe, take care, drink some water. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn