trigger warning

Chapter Thirty-One: Let Me Go

The three of them sat there for a long time. Remus cried into Sirius's chest while Sirius held him, and both he and Lily tried to comfort Remus. It broke Sirius's heart to see Remus like this, so sad, so vulnerable, in so much pain.

They had to talk to someone. They had to tell a teacher. Remus had admitted to being incredibly suicidal. He had attempted at least once. He needed help, and as much as it pained Sirius to admit it, it was help that neither he nor Lily could give him.

Remus had mostly stopped crying, and was just hiccuping occasionally. Sirius looked down at him, smiling sadly. He looked up at Lily, questioningly. She nodded and stood up. Sirius stood up, helping Remus to his feet.

Once they were standing, he embraced Remus in a long, tender, loving hug. "I love you, Remy," he whispered. "You know that, right?" He felt Remus nod against him.

Together, they slowly walked back to the castle, Lily leading the way and Sirius holding tightly to Remus's hand, as if he was afraid Remus would run away. Which, he honestly might.

It was all too much. Remus wasn't really aware of where they were going, but assumed that they were heading back to the dorms. He thought about death. He wondered what it would be like to die. He remembered bits and pieces of when Sirius found him bleeding out on the bathroom floor. He wondered if it would be similar.

He was very aware, though, when they stopped in front of a familiar office door. Sirius and Lily looked at each other, then nodded. Remus was panicking. "Fuck this shit," he muttered, and tried to pull his hand out of Sirius's.

Sirius was expecting that, though, and didn't let go. He had an iron grip on Remus's hand, but shifted it to his wrist where it would be harder for Remus to get away. Remus realized this, and was just glad it was his right wrist.

"Fuck, no, please," begged Remus. "Please, no, let me go, Siri!"

It hurt Sirius so badly to be doing this to Remus. "I can't, Remy," he whispered softly. "You know I can't."

Remus was crying, begging, pleading with Sirius. He had been terrified for so long that someone would find out. He had been terrified that Sirius would tell someone. He couldn't let anyone find out. He couldn't.

"Please, Siri, please! I'll do anything! Please let me go!"

Remus pulled and pulled, struggling to get away. He tried to get Sirius to move away from the door, but Sirius was bigger and stronger than him. His feet slipped on the stone floor as he tried to brace himself.

Sirius was close to tears. "Please, Remy," he said quietly. "It'll all be ok."

"No! Please! You can't do this!" Remus was sobbing, the tears running down his cheeks. "Please! You can't!"

"I have to," whispered Sirius.

Lily watched helplessly. She could tell how much it hurt Sirius to be doing this. She could tell how much Remus wanted to get away. It had to be done. Remus needed help. They couldn't keep his secret any longer.

"Please," whispered Remus, his voice cracking. "Please, Siri."

Sirius looked away, tears in his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at Remus. "You know I have to," he managed to choke out.

Remus's arm was numb. Sirius's grip on it was like iron. He pulled harder, unable to get a grip on the floor. The tears streaming down his face matched those on Sirius's. There was so much fear in his eyes.

"It'll be ok, Remy," said Lily softly.

Remus just looked at her. "I don't want it to be ok," he said plainly.

Sirius wiped away the tears. It hurt him to be doing this, but he knew it was necessary. He couldn't let go of Remus. He knew what would happen if he did. He knew they probably wouldn't be able to stop him. He knew that had to do this.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to Remus.

Remus glared at him. Sirius recoiled a little bit. He had never seen so much anger in Remus's eyes before. "No, you're not," growled Remus. "If you were, you would let me go."

There was an edge to his voice that Sirius had never heard before. It was as if Remus's wolf side was bleeding into his voice. Remus was struggling and thrashing so hard, it was difficult to keep his grip. He had to, though. He had to.

Remus was panting, out of breath with the struggle. "Please," he begged. "Please, Siri, please!"

Sirius tried to say something, but his voice broke and he couldn't get it out. The tears in his eyes threatened to spill out again. He looked helplessly at Lily. She looked questioningly at the door. He nodded, and she moved towards it.

Remus noticed. "No, please!" he begged. "Lily, please! Don't! Please!"

"I have to," she said softly. "We all know it."

"No, please!"

Sirius looked at him sadly. "Remy-"

"Don't call me that!" Remus spat angrily.

Sirius couldn't take it much longer. He could only do so much to the boy he loved. He couldn't stand causing Remus any more pain. He knew it was for Remus's own good, that Remus would one day be grateful, but that didn't mean it wasn't painful.

"Remus-"

"Please, just let me go!" Remus begged. "Please! I promise it'll be ok!"

Sirius knew that 'ok' for Remus meant Remus going through with it. It meant that Remus's problems would be, in his mind, 'ok.' But ok for Remus wasn't ok. And they all knew it.

Lily looked at Remus. She was crying a little bit. She wasn't nearly as close to Remus as Sirius was, but that didn't mean she didn't care. She truly and deeply cared about Remus, and this hurt her almost as much as it hurt Sirius. She took a deep breath and knocked.

The door swung open.

Remus looked at Sirius. "I hate you," he whispered.

A/N:

double update because i am feeling ~inspired~ and it's therapeutic

vent / tw / don't feel like u have to read

this convo reminds me a lot of when my guidance counselor at school found out i was cutting and was going to call my mom (minus the physical stuff obviously). i lied about so much, and they still have no idea. because that way i wouldn't be hospitalized. cause no one knew how bad it was at the time. i looked back at a convo from that day with my one friend who knew, it in a week it will have been exactly 2 years. my mom forced me to go to therapy for like 2 sessions, but then i wouldn't go. she hasn't talked to me about it since, expect when she brought it up once a few months ago and asked if i still was and i said no. like fuck, no one realizes how bad i'm doing. almost no one knows i self harmed. even few know i still do sometimes. almost no one knows i was ever suicidal. and i still am. because i'm so good at hiding it. because i built up so many walls and didn't know how to cope. because i went through a traumatic event in 8th grade and no one knew how badly it fucked me up and i had no one to talk to about it. because i was a child and i was forced to grow up too fast, and no one even realized. because my siblings didn't know what happened, and i didn't know what i was feeling or how to process what happened or how to talk about it. because the adults in my life knew what happened but didn't know how badly it fucked me up. because it affected them all, but they were all ok eventually. but give that same knowledge to a child who's already a little bit depressed and you fuck them up for life. and then 6 months later they start cutting. and the depression gets worse, and the anxiety sets in, and then they're suicidal at 14 with vague plans of killing themselves. and then the next year rolls around and they make a plan, but a friend steps in and knows what's going on. and then a few months later they're still alive and adults find out, but really soon after they stop asking questions. then throw in being raised extremely catholic, and realizing you're gay when you're already trying to process trauma in 8th grade, and then throw in horrible dysphoria, but not knowing what it is cause you don't even know that being trans is a thing. and then you've got a depressed, self-harming, suicidal teenager going through a gender crisis and realizing they aren't cis, but they can't tell a single person who could help. and they have to deal with all the thoughts and dysphoria and everything. and then two years later they're still here but they don't want to be. but they're too fucking cowardly to go through with a plan. and online friends that they aren't allowed to have are one of the only things keeping them here. because they aren't allowed a phone and aren't allowed on social media but they figured out a way with private browsing modes and constant anxiety and fear. and so much guilt. because they were raised catholic and being gay is a sin and not being cis is a sin but they had a breakdown two days ago in the bathroom because they had to try on bras. and they try convincing themselves that it's a phase, but the dysphoria is so bad. and they live in constant anxiety that their mom will find out, and they'll be grounded for life, and if she were to find out, then they would kill themselves. because they would not be able to live like that. so they're still trying, but it's so hard, and most of them wants to give up. because they don't know if they'll be able to make it the 4 or 5 months until they can move out. because even then, they'll still have to pretend around their family, and they'll never be truly free because they won't ever be able to full cut contact. and they don't want to. because it's their family. but something needs to change. and since nothing will, they have to. and they have to hide themselves and pretend and lie. and they can't keep doing it