Hey everybody^^

I hope you're all having a great weekend! I know I'm a little bit later than usually, but thursday was my birthday so my parents surprised me yesterday after work (because of Corona I haven't seen them for months...) so I just lacked the time, but finally here we go again.

Enjoy and see you again next week ;-)

Chapter 22 - Truth

He hated silence.

He had hoped that Law, after his honest words, would open up a little, become a little more forward with his thought, but of course it was a bit difficult with a damn sword of Damocles hanging over his head.

The last few days they had hardly made a reasonable conversation and Rosinante had hated it. But what should they have been talking about? The work they currently neglected? The dinners with neighbors they should have canceled? The things they've wanted to do for so long, but never had found the time to actually do? All these things had become significantly insignificant over the last few days. Talking about a future that would not happen nobody of them was able to, and Rosinante didn't have the strength to talk about the loss he might have to face.

He knew there was a good chance that the straw hats would be successful, but the last few days had emaciated him. He was exhausted by the suffering he expected, and he was exhausted by the shadows trapped in Law's deep eyes. Soon this exhausting wait would come to an end, but he could not look forward to that.

In his great plan to involve the straw hats, he had overlooked a way of being able to communicate, had left the damn transponder snail with the straw hat in Law's office, forgotten in their home on Natsu, like an idiot not thinking about taking the only way of communication with him. But he couldn't change that now, couldn't change the fact that he and Law had now to survive seven days in this golden birdcage, unaware of whether there was any hope for them at all or whether it was time to say goodbye.

Accordingly, their rare conversations had been little more than hollow exchanges of words, unable to talk about everyday things or beautiful memories, unwilling to talk about what they were about to face, unable to really address what they felt, thought, and had to address.

The interesting thing about the whole situation was, not only Law had lied, Rosinante had just as well, over and over again, hoping to ease the life of the other, to protect him, not to let him suffer. But also in order to protect himself, to make his own life easier, also in order not to let himself suffer more than necessary.

Rosinante had told Law that he wanted to live and that was true. He wanted to live a damn happy life by Law's side, wake up next to him in the morning, get pulled out of bed by him, have breakfast, go to work at the port, get his lunchbox brought by Law, and then sit with him on the porch in the evening and talk about nothing and everything at once, or maybe just holding each other silently.

In the past, Rosinante had imagined a very similar life, the young Law buried by his books to become the best doctor in the world, Sengoku, who would come by with a pink bike plus training wheels, like a true grandfather – yes, he also knew that this fantasy was a bit kitschy, but he really had always wanted to learn how to ride a bike and pink was by all means his favorite color – and Rosinante, who would have taken on some job to take care of Law. Some nights he had imagined how he would work in a bar, he could certainly mix great drinks, or in a clothing store. He had imagined a thousand things, but one of the things had never changed, one thing he hadn't even questioned.

From the moment he had decided that he would give up his mission for Law, from that moment he had no longer been able to imagine a life without Law, whether on the run from his brother or in a peaceful life on any island.

He knew Law had not liked him at first - no wonder Rosinante had no idea how to really deal with children, and Law had been anything but an ordinary kid - but that had changed over time when Law had started to step out of the shadows.

Since those beautiful days, many, many years had gone by and things had changed.

Law was no longer a little boy, and their relationship had changed, just as the rest of the world had changed, just as Rosinante had changed. But still the world had run away from him. The man who had raised him like his own son was now an old man, his brother was now old enough that he could have been Rosinante's father. They had all gone on with their lives, had evolved, and Rosinante felt that he no longer belonged in this world, had no one from his time, with one exception.

The only one who had not continued, but had kept the door open all the time, even if it had certainly not been healthy or correct, had been Law. Law had not been able to let go of the past for 17 years, had lost almost everything in his life, and with everything he could have done, he had decided to bring Rosinante back to go hand in hand with him.

They both had their problems, they both lagged behind time, but with Law it felt less like they were falling behind, and more as if they were just taking their time.

Rosinante had known that Law had kept things secret from him – as someone who had carried secrets all his life, he had developed a sense for that – and yet he had enjoyed the time on Natsu with him. It had been happy days and Rosinante had always been ready to let go of the past, he had just waited for Law to be ready, too.

By now, he knew why Law hadn't been ready. As long as this sword of Damocles of imminent death hung over him, it was impossible for him to finally let go, and so Law had lied to make Rosinante believe for a few happy months that they would go into the future together.

But Rosinante had also lied, of course he wanted to live, he really wanted to live and yet... Rosinante had once sworn that he would not let Law die, that he would save his life, and he had done so.

This time he was not in the position of saving Law's life, however much he hated it, all he could do was wait here with Law and help him, endure with him these torturous minutes, hours, and days of silence, and not leave him alone. At the end of the deadline, he wanted to take Law and go home with him. But he wasn't an idiot, he knew very well that things could develop differently. He knew full well that Law could die at the end of that period, and as he had back then, Rosinante had sworn something to himself this time as well. He had sworn that he would not leave this island without Law.

"Cora-san," he heard the other whisper as he took a deep draft of his cigarette, "today you are much more quiet than usual."

Oh, how he hated the silence. It made him think things he didn't want to think about. Of course, he knew all this anyway, but to think it in clear terms made it much more real.

"Sorry, Law," he muttered, without taking his gaze from the sea, "I know I told you to face life with a smile and I wanted you to always remember me with a smile, but I can't smile right now. Not if I could lose you today."

Today was the day; If the straw hats did not come through the door with Kaiyaku Ihan by midnight, he would lose Law.

"You know I love seeing you smile, Cora-san." He hated it when Law sounded like this, so serious and melancholy. Law had accepted his fate, and now he wanted to make sure that Rosinante accepted it as well. "But I don't want you to smile if it's forced. I prefer honest sadness and despair over any fake smile."

Instead of answering, Rosinante took another draft of his cigarette. He had smoked more in the past few days than in recent months, but he wasn't worried about that.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Law continued calmly. "I wanted to enjoy the time with you and just be happy. I knew you wouldn't be happy if you knew, and I didn't want the last few months to be like the last few days."

"You don't need to apologize, Law. You weren't the only one who lied." He still couldn't look at the other. "I knew from the beginning that you were hiding something, but I had decided not to ask, not to push against better knowledge. I told myself that I did it to make your life easier, but the truth is, it just was the easier way."

"That's not true, Cora-san." Law placed a hand on his arm. "You were generous and didn't want to make me suffer unnecessarily and I used that against you. I have taken advantage of your kindness. It wasn't your fault."

None of them said anything and Rosinante wished he was able to smile at the other now and tell him that everything would be fine. But it would be a lie and the longer he thought about it...

"Law, can I ask you for something?"

"Of course, Cora-san."

He hesitated for a moment.

"Should the unlikely event occur, and we will survive this unscathed..."

"Cora-san, we both know that such conversations..."

"No, listen to me. I don't want to make big plans. What comes, that will come, and I am prepared. But..." He closed his eyes to hide the tears that had been struggling for days to get out. "But I noticed that our whole relationship is built on lies."

"But Cora-san, I'm not saying that...!" Law sounded upset, rarely angry.

"And I'm not saying that as an accusation, Law. It's a simple observation and you know I'm right. Even when we met, I lied to you, you thought I was this faithful, mute follower of my brother. We both lie, repeatedly, not to harm, but to protect the other or because we want to protect ourselves, and I understand that. As I said, I taught you that, but... but... I want you to be happy, I want you to smile, but if you are actually sad, scared, angry or whatever, then I want to know, then I want you to show me that. When I'm there, you don't need to deal with all of this on your own, just because you don't want me to worry, and..."

"You're right," Law said when Rosinante could barely continue to speak. "The truth is, I was always grateful that you didn't ask, didn't push, but I should have told you the truth by myself. I don't want to lie anymore, Cora-san, and even though I trust the straw hats, I don't want to wait with the truth until it's perhaps too late."

"What do you mean by that?" He couldn't look at the other, didn't want Law to see how hard it was for him to pull himself together.

"Exactly what I said. You are right. Time and time again we have lied, for ourselves and for each other, and where did that take us? You died without me being able to do anything and I sold my life for yours without giving you any choice at all. Even if we survive this, what's next? It's time to be honest with each other. I don't want to lie anymore."

He was silent. He knew exactly what this was going to boil down to. Law would now confess his feelings to him again and explain exactly why he had done what he had done. Law would explain that he had lied to protect Rosinante because he loved him, didn't want to see him sad, and that his life would be worth nothing without Rosinante.

Law would now explain that, after losing everything, he had wished to spend a year of happiness by Rosinante's side, and even though he would demand much from Rosinante, he could now die happily, knowing that he had paid his debts. He would say such a nonsense as that Rosinante would be a greater asset to the world than himself, that he still had Sengoku and a job as a former soldier, and that it would be okay for Law to die. He would say all these things now, in the hope that Rosinante would forgive him, would allow him to find closure.

And if Rosinante were to be honest, he would interrupt him, explain to him exactly what nonsense he was talking about and that he didn't care why Law had done or what he had done, but that he wasn't willing to lose Law.

But Rosinante wouldn't be honest, he had forced Law back then to give him closure by revealing everything without seeing his reaction. He had denied Law this way by coming here. So he would now listen to this nonsense calmly and then pretend to forgive Law and as if Law wouldn't have to worry about him.

Rosinante would lie to him one last time, in case he would lose Law, and if all unexpectedly went well, he would have a lifetime to make amends.

"I lied to you, in more than one thing," Law began the speech, which Rosinante didn't want to hear, "and I don't know if I have the time to explain everything to you, but let me try."

He closed his eyes, did not want to know what else Law had concealed from him.

"I once told you that I still maintain in contact with my crew members and that they all live a happy and satisfied life as they deserve. That was a lie, most of them are dead."

For a moment he forgot to breathe and looked at the other stunned, who in turn stared out of the window at the sea.

"It was true that I had sent them away before the Great War, but what I didn't know was that they were going to deal with the upheaval of Impel Down. I had left them a long time ago to chase Doflamingo on my own, and they wanted to prevent him from breaking out. It was only because of me that they opposed him and..." Law hit the windows slightly. "I didn't even visit them back then. I couldn't. I wasn't even there to bury them. But I couldn't tell you that, I don't even know why. But... but that is the truth, and after that I have..."

"I know," Rosinante whispered, looking out to sea, "I know what happened. Sanji told me and I figured out the rest."

Law remained silent.

"And then you decided that you..."

"No. I haven't decided anything. I ran away, probably kind of hoped that someone would kill me, perhaps out of revenge, maybe just by chance. But what I told you that I just happened to stumble across Natsu, that was true. I just happened to hear about her and her abilities and then... the desire to see you smile again was the last thing that kept me alive."

What should he answer? What should he say?

"The truth is, I didn't tell you about my crew because I didn't want you to look at me like that," Law muttered now.

He looked at the other, who was still dodging his gaze.

"That I look at you like what?"

"Just like you always do when you worry about me. Just like you did, whenever I used to tremble in pain or if you thought I was asleep. Just like you did when you woke up after 17 years in a strange world and just thought about how I felt. Just like you have looked at me for the last seven days."

"You were afraid that I would force you to visit the survivors of your crew. You were afraid to tell me that my brother killed all you love."

Law just nodded.

"And that's why you lied to me about it."

Law nodded again.

Sighing, Rosinante began to wander through the room. He had expected something different. He had expected Law to clean his conscience, but Law had not. Law had followed his request and was now ready to finally tell him the whole truth.

"Should I go on?" Law whispered, seemingly unsure about Rosinante's silence.

"No, it's my turn now," he replied, turning to the other, who looked at him for the first time in a long time. "You lied, but so did I."

"I know, Cora-san."

"No, you don't. I am not talking about the past year, about things that I have ignored, concealed, or deliberately altered. I told you I wanted to live and that's true," he quickly added as Law's eyes widened and the other opened his mouth. "I want to live, I want to live the perfect imperfect life, and stand up for all the mistakes of my past."

He approached the other.

"But - and I know you don't want to hear that - I can't live this life without you."

"Cora-san, I..."

"I know you sold your life for mine and it may be incredibly selfish, but Law, this world here is no longer mine, I don't belong here anymore and without you, my life here no longer has any value. So please," he continued, as Law tried to interrupt him again, "please don't force me having to live on without you."

He could see the horror in Law's eyes, who opened and closed his mouth without saying anything.

Back then, Rosinante had lied to avoid that very view. But Law had decided to finally be honest, and how could Rosinante continue to lie to him in good conscience?

So he stood there, holding Law's desperate gaze as he understood what Rosinante wanted to tell him.

"Are you sure?" He whispered breathlessly. "Cora-san, you were only with me for almost a year, but the world is big and over time..."

"You mean after 13 years, after 17? How many years did it take you, Law? And how many do you think I would need? I hardly knew you and wanted to save your life, then I knew you and could not imagine a life without you. I was happy that I was able to save your life with my death. I don't think I'd ever get over losing you."

Law bit his lower lip and shook his head, rubbed his face, rubbed the tattoos on his forearm.

"I didn't want that," he said, almost hastily, "I didn't want you..."

"I know. You underestimated what you mean to me. I'm sorry."

Again, Law shook his head, then turned back to the sea and crossed his arms.

"I don't want you to die, Cora-san."

"I don't want to die either. But I don't want you to die either."

Shortly Law looked at him, then stared out to sea again, but he held a hand to him and Rosinante grabbed it.

Law pulled him close and looked up to him earnestly.

"All right." Then he nodded out to sea. "Then let's hope they were successful."

There on the horizon, the ship of the straw hats appeared.