Chapter 16- Cass Oceansong
Willow and I sit in the circle of sunlight that spills through from the hole in the roof and onto the ground. No candlelight needed now, Willow holds onto the white candle with both hands, as if she's afraid someone might take it. She might not be wrong in that; there are more than a few rough people in this boxcar now.
It has to be more than an hour since Tulsee, Birches, and Tazzel escaped, and Oak hasn't come down from the roof yet. I would have thought that she would have jumped off too, but I can still see her dark hair blowing in the wind. She's been so committed to escaping; I wonder why she didn't.
I could still leave; I could convince Willow and Osa to get off here and find our way back home. I'm scared to stay on the train, and I'm scared to get off the train. And being on the train is the choice that's the most certain; I know where I'll get off at the end of the journey; I don't know what would happen if I got off here.
I'll stay. I have Willow and Osa, and as long as we stay together, I'll be okay. At least my hands are free now!
"What are you thinking about?" I whisper to Willow, who's staring up through the hole in the ceiling.
"Home," she whispers back.
Home. That one word brings out a flood of emotion in me; tears come to my eyes when I remember the ocean and the Luna, and my family. How my father shouted my name when I was reaped, my mother's steadfast reassurances that everything would be okay; how Sea, Wave, and Tempest came to say goodbye; Cressida and her laugh that seemed to bubble up like waves on the beach. Little Mags with her red curls. That's home to me, and I miss them all so much.
I promised I'd come home, but when I look at Buck, my stomach sinks. How can I survive against him?
"What's home like for you?" I ask Willow, fighting back the tears.
"Destroyed, mostly," Willow says, shrugging. "When I left, we were supposed to start planting the orchards again soon."
"What happened to them?"
"Fire swept through. Got some of the houses too, but mostly the trees. Aliyah and Bernice cried when the trees burned; they loved the orchards so much, and there's not a lot of pretty things in 11."
"Who are they?" I whisper.
"My sisters," Willow says, and she smiles. "Eleven and nine; too young to be eligible for the reapings. Thankfully."
"I have three sisters," I say. "I miss them."
"I'd get off this train now if I could," Willow says, looking up to the blue sky above.
"Why don't you?"
"I promised I'd see this through. And where would I go? I have no idea where we are, and they'd catch me straight off. No, I'll see this through like I told Papa I would."
Aldera gives a hacking cough and promptly bursts into tears again. "Oh, don't you start!" Rigg says irritably.
"She's sick!" I say whipping my head to look at him. I'm not as scared as I was, now that I have Willow and Osa on my side. "How about you leave her alone?"
"How about you shut it?" Sanguin snarls from the corner. Oak didn't unlock him, and he's scaring me the most of anyone, even Buck. Sanguin, I think, is just unhinged, and that makes him the most dangerous person in this boxcar.
"Don't you make me kick your ass!" Osa says, pointing at him. Osa's a year younger than me at thirteen, and about twice as bold as me and Willow combined. The three of us have formed an alliance, and I feel safer with the two of them with me. I like not being alone anymore.
"When do you think we'll slow down again?" Silver says, speaking up for the first time in over an hour. It must be a record; she's usually very chatty.
"Probably soon. Two more districts, isn't it?" Beade says, running her fingers through her hair and trying to comb it out.
"Think so." Two more districts and four more tributes. And then- what?
"What do you think they're going to say when they find out we're down three people?" Osa asks.
"They never count, we'll be fine," Flick says.
"Don't let them see we don't have cuffs on or we're effed," Rigg adds.
"Speak for yourself," Buck says, slamming his cuffed hands down onto the floor.
"If we take those off you you'll kill us all and break out through the door," Rigg says.
"Damn rights I would."
"You keep the cuffs then."
"But back to my original point," Osa says, "When we get to the Capitol, they're going to figure out that they're missing three tributes. Are we going to have a plan for that or not?"
"They're not going to find them; we're miles away from the Capitol, and I doubt we're reaching there any day soon," Volt says.
"Think they'll still run the Games if three are missing?" Willow asks.
"They will," Aldar says, quietly. "They're not going to let us go that easily."
"When'd you come to that conclusion, genius?" Glow asks, folding his arms across his chest. "Thought you were on our side."
"I've never been on any side. I'm neutral, like Cass is," Aldar says, still quiet. I wish he wouldn't bring me into this.
"I say the Capitol is going to give us some glory while we're there, and punish the rebels at the same time. They're not going to punish the people who supported them," Glow says.
Silver says something so quiet I can't hear what it is. "Can't hear you, speak up!" Glow snaps at her.
"The Capitol is going to kill us," Silver says, louder and more forceful. "They're not going to let us off; they're going to kill us."
"When'd you start thinking that?" Beade asks, her face crinkling in confusion. "Thought you were a loyalist."
"I-" Silver starts, but Glow cuts her off.
"She's tired and doesn't know what's going on. You listen up, the rest of you; the loyalists are going to be coming out of this, and you won't be."
"You're a goddamn moron," Buck spits out. In a flash, he's on his feet and rushing at Glow, who meets Buck with fists. Keek screams and covers her head with her hands, while Volt glares at the rest of us like we're the problem.
"I can't leave you alone for an hour, can I?" Oak says, suddenly appearing in the ceiling hole. Her face is blotchy and her eyes are red, like she's been crying, but nobody mentions that. Swiftly, she swings down through the hole, sways back and forth a few times while holding onto a slat, then drops heavily to the ground.
"You stayed?" Aldar says in apparent disbelief. Oak doesn't answer him; instead she walks with terrifying determination over to Buck, who's still grappling with Glow, and punches him right in the face.
Buck lets go of Glow and staggers backwards, clutching his face. "You bitch!"
"That's right, I'm a bitch. I don't care."
Keek screams again; I wish she wouldn't, it just makes things worse. Willow finds my hand and squeezes it tight. Buck rushes at Oak again, but she ducks in time, the train's momentum and his own sending Buck sprawling face first on the floor. Willow's hand grips tighter.
"Stay down or I'll hit you again," Oak says; far from being scared, she sounds almost bored.
Buck gets up and swings at her, but Oak ducks, kicking the boy from 11 into the side of the boxcar. "I said, stay down! Sit down or get off the train; I am not dealing with this shit right now," Oak says, standing over him. For all his strength and combativeness, he listens and stays down, glaring up at Oak. She looks at him for a second more, before turning and striding back to where she's been sitting for the past few days, scooping up her quilt as she goes.
Willow and Osa watch her go by, but quickly turn their attention away from Oak, back to Buck who's still sitting on the floor rubbing his face. I'm the only one to see Oak bury her face in her quilt, her shoulders shaking.
I'm the only one to see her cry.
It feels like I'm invading her privacy by watching her, so I look away, edging to the wall with the long crack in it. Pressing my eye to it, I can see the world outside this train, a world that maybe I can rejoin someday.
"What do you see out there?" Willow whispers to me.
"Just some bushes," I say. There's nothing out there to tell me where I am, or where I'm going. Suddenly it makes me want to scream and cry and hit the wall until it breaks. I don't get angry often, but it wells up in me until it's like my insides are filled with fire. I want to get off this train right now!
"Where are you going?" Osa says as I scramble to stand up and run to stand underneath the jagged hole in the ceiling, revealing blue skies and white clouds above me. I could leave right now and never have to go to the Capitol to fight, or do whatever they're going to make us do. I have the option of not dying.
What would my parents say if I got off now? I'd probably never see them again, so it's not worth it, it's not worth leaving. But I wouldn't have the chance of dying. Somebody in this boxcar is going to try to kill me, and I'm terrified they'll succeed. I don't want to die.
I want to go home so badly it hurts, and that hurt overcomes the fiery anger in the pit of my stomach. Still looking at that rough piece of blue sky, I sink to the ground, shaking all over. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, and I'm scared; I'm so scared I'll never go home.
"Cass, you okay?" Willow says, a little louder than a whisper. I shake my head.
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"Don't tell me you're sick too," Flick says irritably. He's usually fairly good-natured, so doesn't that say something about what the stress and the journey is doing to us?
"I'm not," I say, pressing my hands together to stop the shaking. It doesn't help; all I want is to leave this place.
"Cass, come sit down. Please," Willow says.
"If you want to get off, just go! Nobody wants you here anyway," Beade says rather nastily.
"Don't say that! That's awful, Beade," Silver says. The fact that she's standing up for me surprises me.
"What's gotten into you? Are you sick; you're acting really strange?" Beade edges away from Silver like she could be contagious.
"She's not sick; she's getting smarter," Aldar says.
"Are you saying that I'm not smart then?"
"When did I ever say that?"
"You listen to me, Aldar; if you don't shut your damn mouth, I'm going to shut it for you," Beade says, jabbing her finger at Aldar, who's sitting only a few feet away from me.
Before he can reply to Beade's threat, Sanguin starts screaming, like a savage animal caught in a trap. Willow grabs my arm and pulls me back to Osa, all of our eyes riveted to Sanguin, who screams until he runs out of air; once his voice fades out, he slams his head backwards against the wall, over and over again.
For a long time, all I can hear is the sound of flesh meeting wood, the rattling of the train wheels under me, and Sanguin's guttural moaning. Gradually, other sounds work their way in- Keek sobbing, Aldera coughing, low arguing from Beade, Glow and Silver- all twining together to make an unbearable cacophony of misery.
And all I want to do is cover my ears and scream.