Sorry for the wait guys, the holidays didn't leave me with much writing time lol.
kingeddie16ne: I won't give any spoilers but I will say that her lover is going to be revealed soon!
She spends the night at Min-Min's her ankle and foot throb incessantly, it keeps her from escaping into the merciful world of sleep. She spends much of the night agonizing over how irreparably isolated she is. She tells herself that she isn't sure why she can't bring herself to let anyone in. Why she always flashes the worst of her colors at the first sign of a bond.
But she knows. She knows very well. But she doesn't want to say the word. Doesn't want to admit it.
Fear.
It is always about fear.
She is afraid and so she will make others fear her. If they fear her...if they hate her then she won't grow attached. And if she doesn't grow attached then she won't have to fear loss. If she purposefully pushes everyone away then she won't have to fear doing it by accident. At least this way she controls what she loses.
She doesn't get even a minute of sleep. Rather, she stares out the window until a crack of yellow appears on the horizon. It isn't until the sun is well in the sky that the door bursts open.
She utters a cry of surprise and annoyance as she finds herself being body slammed onto the mattress, "you're back!" The boy shouts.
She inhales deeply and plucks him off of her. "I'm back Atsu." Her forlorn manner of speaking does not perturb him in the slightest. She would wager that he hasn't caught a hint of it at all. "How is your father?"
The boy grins and opens his mouth.
"I'm fine now." The man says.
"What was wrong before now?"
He presses his lips together and rubs his hands over his face. "I was worried."
"About what?"
And now he looks thoroughly and truly exhausted. "You, Rikka." He catches sight of her foot, "And I guess I had a good reason to be."
"I'm fine. It's…" she remembers glitching at the depth of the trap's bite. "Not as bad as Min-Min probably made it sound."
"Rikka, I didn't think that you were going to come back."
"Why would you think that?" It is a stupid question but she doesn't know how else she is supposed to reply. She can't reassure him that she would have.
"Because you have a history of…" He makes a rather absurd and sweeping arm gesture. "Of wandering." When she doesn't speak he fills in the gaps. "And you would have done it again if you had two feet to do it on."
She stares at the bedsheets.
"You know that he cried right?"
"Nah-uh!" Atsu shakes his head rapidly. "You cried, dad."
"That makes one person." Azula mutters. "I know that I'm not wanted here."
"What are you talking about?"
"How long did you imagine that they would be tolerant of a firebender…"
"A long time, Rikka." He says simply.
She swallows.
"Why do you think that you aren't wanted here?"
"Ojihara said as much."
He quirks a brow. "Really? Because Caihong's father tells me that his old man hit the drinks harder than he has in a while the night you left."
She inhales sharply through her nose. "Well if he wasn't mad then, he certainly is now."
"Oh no, he was mad. He's still furious. He said that he has never met a more disrespectful, ungrateful, unhelpful, demon-sent being in his entire life."
Azula flinches.
"But he never met someone that made his granddaughter smile that much. And he never met anyone else who could actually get his son off of his lazy ass to harvest that many turnips."
She feels the mattress dip. "Old man Oji likes you. It's just that he's about as awful as you are at letting people know that."
"You know just what to say." Azula grumbles.
"That's not true, I could tell you to walk on over to Old Man Oji's farm and make amends. Instead I'm telling you to make amends with Old Man Oji but do it after I walk him to you."
Azula offers him her most deadpan stare before taking hold of the bedpost and heaving herself up. "It isn't broken, it's swollen, I can walk just fine." One step proves that she, in fact, cannot.
With a sigh, he scoops her into his arms and carries her outside.
"What are you-"
"I haven't known you long, Rikka. But I've known you long enough to know that you'll find a way to leave your bed somehow. I figured that I'd save everyone the trouble and help you do it."
"Where are we going?"
"We're going by Old Man Oji!" Atsu declares. "Dad said that he was gonna make you apologize to Oji. Guess what!?"
"What?"
"While you were gone, one of my other teeth got wiggly!"
"That's nice, Atsu." Truthfully she finds his fascination with teeth and biting things quite appalling. She turns her attention to his father. "Are you really going to take me to Ojihara's home?"
"I sure am."
.oOo.
She feels like a child as she sits at the table.
"Oooo, yer in trouble." Caihong whispers.
"Shut up." She hisses.
Caihong giggles. Atsu giggles. She frowns quite deeply. Evidently she had never imagined, could have never possibly imagined, that she would find herself waiting on an old man while two children poke fun at her strife.
She feels hands curl over her shoulders. At least she has something going for her. He massages the tension out of her shoulders. She doesn't think that she could have imagined that one of the children's fathers would be a source of comfort. Atsu grins at his father. And then he looks at her. Looks her straight in the eye with a rather furious intensity. He holds her stare, she refuses to blink first and he doesn't do it either. And then he opens his mouth and wiggles his tooth at her.
He bursts out laughing.
Caihong bursts out laughing.
Azula does not understand children.
The boy's father laughs too. She decides that she doesn't understand people in general. "I do not understand. Why are we laughing?"
The man shrugs. "Sometimes you just have to laugh because they're laughing, ya know?"
"No."
"Rikka."
She tenses at the creaky voice.
"Ojihara."
"You stupid, reckless girl!"
Her temper flares but she keeps her voice dangerously low and light, "I am anything but." She thinks that she sounds icy and slick but maybe she just sounds sad and dejected.
Ojihara sighs and his expression softens. "You are probably one of the brightest workers I've had…"
"The bar is rather low."
The old man chuckles. "'Round these parts, maybe. But you're an intelligent woman. I guess that that's why I don't understand how you can just up and leave after one argument."
She shrugs. "I am smart enough to take a hint. I received several of them. They weren't well concealed."
"One time I went to the zoo and I met a seal-tiger. Or maybe it was a tiger-seal…" Atsu trails off.
"Can your boy and my granddaughter outside?" And with that request, she and Ojihara are alone. He lets a few moments pass before speaking. "I wouldn't have been so cross if I didn't see potential in you."
She nods, this she understands. She isn't sure how she hadn't thought of that before. "My father is the same he…" She could slap herself. That is too much. She isn't sure how she could let such a thing slip. "I think that you shouldn't set your expectations so high. I am rather good at laying waste to potential." She musters a bitter smile, "believe me."
"I don't." Ojihara replies. "Not for a moment."
"If you knew…"
He holds his hand up. "I know all that I need to. I know that sometimes tools are needed for potential to be reached. I would like to give you those tools if you would be open to them."
Azula swallows, "you don't know what tools I need."
"Not all of them, no. But I think I can name a few." He pauses. "Patience and understanding, second chances. I think that those are good tools to offer."
.oOo.
They are waiting for her when she slowly hobbles her way down the porch steps. Ojihara calls Caihong in for dinner. He offers to let them stay but Azula shakes her head. She can see it in his eyes, that Atsu has already claimed her attention for the night.
"Wasn't so bad was it? To apologize."
"I didn't apologize." She says smugly.
"Old Man Oji wouldn't have forgiven you if you didn't in some way or another." He shrugs. "He's good at gauging people."
She cocks her head.
"If he thinks that you're worth it, you're worth it." He says as though it truly is that simple.
"Do you agree with him?"
He comes to a stop. "Well Atsu hasn't taken this kindly to a stranger since his mother walked out on us…" He pauses. "I agree with Old Man Oji. I'm glad that you came back." He makes his way over to a bench and sets her down. "You will stay after that heals, right?"
She works a muscle in her jaw before nodding. "I suppose."
"Good." He tucks her bangs behind her ears. "I like having you around. Wu Jing has been much more interesting since you got here."
She manages a faint smile. Atsu makes a gagging noise which she makes a point of ignoring. "Thank you, Hajime."
That night she learns what it is to forgive.
To be forgiven.
.oOo.
They treat her surprisingly well, most everyone does, despite most of them having horrid final encounters with her before her disappearance. The servants still talk pleasantly with her as they comb her hair and wash her face. The guards greet her with bows and warm smiles. Advisors speak to her as though they had never witnessed the degradation of her mind. They insist that they are happy to see that she is doing better. Happy to see her in general.
She doesn't know why she is still unhappy.
No, that isn't true. As they paint her nails and rub pretty fragrances onto her skin, she knows that her heart is still aching for something so much simpler. Aching for something that she could have had. Something that had so quickly become just one more thing that was stolen from her.
Dread is little help and Agni knows that her nerves are completely frayed with it. Zuko's promise of the best dumplings she'd ever taste does nothing when anxiety sapps her appetite away.
Her final encounter with Mai and TyLee was even more tragic than any that she had with the palace staff.
One of them tilts her chin up and gives an approving smile. "You're ready for the day, princess." And they send her on her way, leaving her to do whatever it is that she does. And that day what she does is steal away into her room and lie down.
Granted she tried to do some reading first, but her eyes merely skimmed over the words as her brain raced somewhere else entirely. She clasps her hands just below her chest and stares at the ceiling until laying on her back is no longer comfortable.
Zuko sends for her nearly a half an hour later. Making her way down the hall is somehow more daunting than venturing from Chin to Yon Rah and from there to Capital City. Everyone is seated, and probably have been seated for a while, by the time she finds her own. Zuko sits at the head of the table with Mai under his arm. TyLee has the first seat on the left side of the table and Sokka has the right. The urge to take the seat all the way at the other end of the table is enthralling and she almost does. She might have if Sokka hadn't waved her over.
She lingers for a moment before muttering, "you're in my spot."
"Your spot?"
"Correct, I have been sitting there since I was a child." But it is disconcerting to see Zuko sitting where her father always has. Sokka stands and lets her have her seat.
"You're really going to make a fuss about where you sit?" Mai comments. "You're lucky that you get to sit here at all."
She shrugs, she isn't sure that it is luck at all. Mostly, she thinks that it is a mistake.
"I don't mind." Sokka replies.
Azula jabs at her dumplings but can't clear the flutter out of her stomach long enough to do anymore than that. She remembers eating dumplings in Chin. She remembers that they weren't hot enough and they were rather dry but they were made with caring hands…
She remembers dinners.
Dinners that weren't uncomfortable.
Happy dinners.
Not particularly satisfying meals, but Agni, the conversation was enough to keep the drab tastes from her mind.
"How are things with the Kyoshi Warriors?" She tries.
TyLee hesitates, "they're going well."
"What do you do?"
"Well right now Suki and I have been helping guard Zuko during travels and sometimes Aang."
"There are certain threats that they had to constantly look out for." Mai gives her a pointed stare.
Azula nods. Her mood dips and she takes to forcing herself to eat her dumplings.
Sokka lets her get several bites in before asking, "why don't you tell us what you have been up to, Azula?"
"I've been up to a lot'a..." She clears her throat. "A lot of things, I suppose." Sokka furrows his brows at her and she isn't sure of exactly what he is trying to convey.
"Did you meet anyone interesting?" Sokka asks.
Her heart clenches. "Several, yes."
"Why don't you tell us about one of them?"
She isn't sure that she wants to open old wounds. She sifts through her mind for something that isn't so painful. "There was this Swamp by Chin village. I went there because...someone I knew wanted to see it. I didn't particularly want to go to a swamp." She pauses. There were these men, they wore leaves and nothing but. They tried to hunt and eat Dàxiyi."
"Dàxiyi?" TyLee tilts her head.
"My mongoose-lizard." Azula answers. "I only left him alone for a moment to move a tree branch out of the way."
Sokka laughs, "classic ambush tactic."
Azula shakes her head. "They weren't that smart, Sokkka. They took Dàxiyi and when I found him I demanded that they gave him back. They pretended like they hadn't seen him, threw a pile of leaves over his head, and said, 'see, lady, ain't no lizard-goose here'. They just got lucky."
"Did you...get him back?" Zuko inquires.
"Yes, after chasing them through the swamp for several hours. Turns out that they could bend vines and swamp water and they knew exactly where to go and hide."
"Oh you must have met Due and Tho!" Sokka declares. "They tried to hunt Appa!"
"Yes." Azula nods. "That sounds right."
"How did you catch them?" TyLee asks.
"I didn't…" She trails off. "One of the people I was traveling with did. There was a third man, the one who could bend the vines, he invited us to stay for dinner?"
"And?"
"It was the worst food I had ever eaten." She pauses. "They cooked it in swamp water." She crinkles her nose. She is almost certain that she had swallowed a good clump of mud that night.
"You didn't try to burn their village for stealing your mongoose-lizard."
Azula jabs at her dumpling again. "No sense in that."
"Right, you probably found something worse to do."
"I didn't do anything to them. I took my mongoose-lizard and went home." She finishes her dumpling and pushes the plate aside. "I'll be in my bedroom." Even after all of this time, after everything, she still can't bring herself to let her walls down. She wonders if she has learned anything at all. Perhaps it is that her travels truly have amounted to nothing but loss and more failed potential.
She pushes her chair in.
.oOo.
"Azula, wait."
"For what, Zuzu. I'm finished."
"I'd like to hear another story."
"I don't have anymore."
"Why don't you tell us about the people you went to the swamp with? He suggests.
Sokka notices her clutching the fabric of her pants under the table "There isn't much to tell. They went to the Swamp with me and we parted ways."
"What about other people that you met?" He asks. He isn't sure that he is making things any easier for her. He likes to think that he is.
"I never stayed with any of them for longer than a few days. A week at most."
Sokka opens his mouth and closes it once more. "I have more waiting for me in the Spirit World than I do here." In his mind's eye, her lips move, softly spilling subtle sorrows. And he wonders if he has just pushed her into a painful situation. His stomach lolls.
"So you did all of that traveling and you didn't find one person that you actually cared about?" Mai quirks a brow.
"Not one."
But her eyes, those sad, weary eyes...
"People are disposable to you, aren't they. Once they serve their purpose they don't mean a thing."
He almost asks her what she meant by her Spirit World comment, if she hadn't met anyone worth caring for. Decidedly, that is just swapping one uncomfortable conversation for another.
"What are you staring at?" She mutters.
"I uh…I just…" he sputters as he fights to think of a safer conversational topic. "Where did you get that necklace, it's well crafted?" Her eyes widen, if only briefly, and he knows that he has just asked another jarring question. "Someone gave it to you, didn't they?"
"Yeah, it was a gift." She answers so quietly that she might as well have not spoken at all.
"So you did have someone you cared about?" TyLee blinks.
"Why didn't you just say that?" Zuko asks.
"I don't want to tell such a long story right now."
.oOo.
Because it hurts. It hurts so badly. Badly and mightily enough for it to occupy her mind for the rest of an already agonizing dinner. Badly enough for it to follow her back to her bedroom. Terribly enough for her to feel queasy. Terribly enough for the pangs of loss to send phantom twitches along her scar.
She tightly holds the stuffed badger-mole to her chest. Her fingers bunch around its discolored cloth as other fingers have done so many times before. She considers, not for the first time, tracking those men down. Every single one of them.
Yes that is what she should do. Now that dinner has gone as dreadfully as she had anticipated, she should leave the palace and seek them out….
"Hey." Sokka greets sheepishly.
Azula's grip tightens. "What do you want?"
.oOo.
"To say that I didn't mean to bring that up." He mutters. His tummy flutters and flops incessantly. It hasn't even been a week and he has already crunched several of the eggshells he has been walking on, severed whatever delicate thread he'd formed with her. "I just thought that it was something you bought from some vendor…"
Azula sits up and he notices the badger-mole in her lap. His heart seizes all over again.
"I also wanted to tell you that they aren't mad…"
"Not mad?" She scoffs.
"They aren't." He insists. "I think that they know that you have to...get used to things."
"You said it yourself, I'm not easy to have conversations with." She rubs her fingers over the worn fabric of the badger-mole.
"It's just that you have a lot of secrets."
"And why does everyone want to know them?"
He thinks for a moment, "well why don't you want to tell us about the people you met?"
Her fingers clench around one of the badger-mole's stuffed paws.
"That was a stupid question, wasn't it?" He asks. "I guess I wouldn't want to talk about something like that either. But it could help, you know? To talk about the people you lost, so they won't be forgotten."
"Sokka." Her voice dips, but he can't detect any malice or bite. He sees something flash behind her eyes, something he can't quite decipher.
"Alright, I'll go..."
She catches him by the wrist, "not yet."
He cringes and wonders what kind of earful he is in for.
"I…" she strokes the badger-mole. "I don't want to be alone right now."
.oOo.
She doesn't want to be alone ever again. Perhaps she is struggling to retain most of what she has learned in her travels. But, Agni, she can't forget that very first lesson. The bed dips and some of the disquiet and dread dissipates.
"Okay." Sokka smiles. "You don't have to be alone."
She can't bring herself to talk anymore. She doesn't have the words. Maybe there simply aren't any. Not ones that can truly express how deep the hollow spaces in her heart run. How cold and vacant it is where warmth had once been. And what a laughably short lifespan that warmth had.
She doesn't talk anymore. She only holds the badger-mole close to her.
But Sokka doesn't leave.
For some reason, he doesn't leave.