Eva was awoken at five in the London morning by her phone rattling around on the hotel's bedside table. She groaned, swung her legs out of bed and answered it with an "mmph".

"Eva!" Vision's voice came down the line, painfully chipper. "You wouldn't happen to know any good recipes, would you?"

She rubbed her eyes and stared at the creamy blue wall of the hotel suite. "Huh?"

"Only, I feel like Wanda needs some company right now, and – what was that noise?"

"Me," she said groggily, "lamenting." I do not want to be the one to give my android best friend The Talk. "Can't you just, like, buy her a beer or something?"

There was a brief pause. "Eva," said Vision, "I'm not sure what you're implying, but –"

"Shut up," she said. "Alvie sent me something a while back for this spicy thing, I'll email it to you." She held her phone at arm's length, wincing at the brightness of the screen, and forwarded the recipe. "Got it?" she asked, returning it to her ear.

"Yes. Thank you."

"Very welcome. Now tell me what the hell's going on, V, because not even you would cook a meal at…" she did the time-zone maths in her head, "… eleven at night without an ulterior motive. And if you say it's just because you want to enjoy the pleasure of Wanda's company, I swear to the almighty that I will reach through this wireless connection and punch you in the ear. Wait. You don't have ears. Never mind."

"She has to stay in the HQ," Vision explained, and in the background of the call she could hear him opening and closing kitchen closets. "What does paprika look like?"

"Paint powder mixed with hellfire. Why the house arrest?"

"Mr Stark's orders. She refused to sign the Accords, and what with the incident in Lagos recently… I would rather she felt safe here than as if she were in a prison."

Eva slapped herself round the face in order to wake herself up a bit more. "She won't appreciate you lying to her, y'know."

"She might not find out."

"Vision, sweetheart, you are undoubtedly the most wonderful person ever to grace this forsaken planet, but you also have a terrible poker face and Wanda Maximoff is not an idiot. You sure you can't just buy her a pizza?"

"No," he said firmly, "I have to do this properly."

"Have you ever even eaten anything?"

"… That is an issue that is swiftly becoming apparent," Vision admitted, and Eva flopped back onto the empty bed with a wail. "Oh, dear. You're lamenting again, aren't you?"

"Despairing, actually. It's a bit more resigned than lamenting. V, this Accords stuff – Sam and Rogers've disappeared to look for Barnes, you're trying to give this poor woman Stockholm Syndrome, I'm stuck in London – how is this gonna end?"

"I wish I knew," Vision said ruefully. "But I think it best you stay away from the HQ until this has all blown over."

Why did people keep saying that to her? She wasn't an idiot, she knew that the best place to be when trouble was happening was, if at all possible, somewhere else. "That'll be easy. Europe's been a no-fly zone ever since the UN attack. Just… be careful, okay? Promise."

"Cross my heart," he said. "Have a wonderful time in London."

"Yeah, yeah. Text me when you get to second base."

"Eva!"

"Sorry! I was tired and I said the first thing that came into my head!" she giggled, curling up on the bed. "Oh, man! That was bad! I need to wipe that mental image from my brain completely!"

"Goodnight, Eva."

"Good luck!" she called down the phone as she went to hang up.

A/N before watching Civil War, I figured that they could take Vision's characterisation one of two ways - either focus on this godlike, benevolent figure that he was presented as in AoU, or take advantage of his innocence to make him a gigantic dweeb. If pressed, I would have put my money on the former of those two options. I have never been more happy to be wrong. WHAT A NERD. HE WEARS JUMPERS. NERD.