kingeddie16ne: Thank you! When writing Hajime I pictured him to be about 21 or 22. Atsu is about 3 or 4. The dude married and had a kid young. And Azula in this fic is around 18 or 19 years old. Basically I imagined it to be about a three year age difference. Four at most. I also pictured Seukhyun to be younger too.
It isn't that Seukhyun is a bad man. It isn't that he constantly unwittingly belittles her. In fact, he hasn't unknowingly spoken ill of her since their first unfortunate date. She stoops down and buries another turnip seed. Granted she isn't sure if she is actually supposed to be planting them or if Ojihara had different seeds in mind for the winter season. She doesn't entirely know what she is supposed to be doing with the garden now that the harvest is over.
More often than not she finds herself simply standing in the empty field, staring off into the sunrise. More often than not she finds herself thinking about the several dates Seukyun has dragged her off on this week. They truly hadn't been unpleasant but she hasn't felt any less awkward than the first one.
She jabs her small shovel into the dirt, stands up, and wipes her forehead. She shivers, it will be her first winter in the Earth Kingdom and she can't imagine that it will be as merciful and pleasant as a Fire Nation winter. She isn't sure that she is entirely ready for her first encounter with snow.
"I know that you enjoy working your until you can barely stand but your gonna have to get used to having some free time." Seukhyun laughs.
She tilts her head.
"Put the shovel away, we don't plant before winter, nothing is going to grow. Nothing that our farm produces, anyways."
Azula flushes. "Right, yes, I was just practicing my planting skill for next year."
"Right." He rolls his eyes.
"Caihong said that Ojihara begins planting turnips early."
He laughs, "Caihong likes messing with people when she isn't getting enough attention."
Azula's cheeks grow doubly red. To let herself be fooled by a child…
How as she allowed her guard to drop so startlingly low. By Agni, that child is in for a stern discussion the next time the cross paths.
"It's fine." He pats between her shoulder blades. "You're new to farming."
"It's so simple. I should know…"
"Farming isn't as basic as it seems, you have to know the weather, know your crops and the seeds, it's all very precise."
"Dad! Gran'pa wants ta talk ta you."
"I'll head inside then." He turns back to Azula, smiles at her, and wipes a smear of dirt off of her cheek. "I'll get my old man to let you use our bathhouse before we go out tonight."
And that's just it, it occurs to her, she has to make herself all pretty for him. Perfect. She hasn't felt that sort of pressure since leaving the palace. She doesn't feel the compulsion with Hajime. But of course not, Hajime is a friend, not a lover.
Hajime is…
He's Hajime.
And yet speaking to him on the bridge, it was easy. Comfortable.
She swallows. She would rather not think of that.
"You told me that Ojihara plants turnip seeds in the winter."
Caihong nods. "Mmhm, I did"
"Why?"
The girl fixes her with a gap-toothed and cheeky little grin. "'Cause I thou'd it'd be funny."
"I stole a turnip for you…"
.oOo.
It is nice to smell of soap and flora instead of sweat and work. Nice to have her hair not disheveled. Nice to have a slight touch of makeup on her skin. If only she felt so well groomed and secure on the inside.
If only, getting prettied up had any worth at all.
If only it didn't make her feel so ugly.
She stares at her reflection on the surface of her cup. Suddenly she feels as though she has changed very little. That everything thus far has been for naught. She is still vile of heart and sick of head. She has only put distance between herself and who she had been.
But it will come back for her. She knows that it will. It always does.
"Are you sure that you're okay?" Seukhyun asks?
She supposes that she isn't. She is certain that it isn't normal to see evil in re-attaining good hygiene, to feel a sort of disconnect when her face is painted in a certain way. She thinks that she will avoid makeup and styling from here on out.
"I'm alright."
He crinkles his brows, "you look upset."
"Really, I'm fine."
He sighs. "Do you really want to be here?"
Her heart clenches. "I...yes, Wu Jing is comfortable."
"No. Do you really want to be here," he gestures about the restaurant, "with me."
She picks up her cup and empties it. She doesn't not want to be here. She isn't sure that she'd have anywhere else to be. And she wonders if she ought to move along, onto the next village as she should have done weeks ago.
She used to have goals.
Used to at least be able to pretend that this journey had a point.
Somewhere along her path she has strayed. All she sees is stagnation.
"Yes. I think."
"Rikka, I need you to know." He says almost desperately. "I need to know if this means anything or if…"
"You're just wasting your time?"
"I wouldn't phrase it like that."
"There's only one way to phrase it." Azula replies. "I want to be here." But she isn't sure if she should be here.
"But…"
She says nothing. He doesn't leave her with time to think of something worth saying, something that could accurately convey just what she feels without revealing too much. He rakes his hand through his hairline. "I like you, Rikka. But you're always so...guarded."
She can't contest it.
"I can't tell if you feel the same way about me. You weren't as tense when we were just plucking turnips together."
"Plucking turnips and talking is easier." It feels natural.
"Have you ever been on a date? Before me, I mean?"
She shakes her head. She doesn't have anything to compare these dates to. "Is it supposed to be-"
"This awkward?" He asks. "Maybe on the first one." He adds a laugh. "But I thought that you would have gotten used to it by now."
She knows that she should have. "Do you think that some people are incapable of love?"
He flinches and stumbles over his words, babbling but not truly saying anything until finally stumbling, "I think that some people haven't found another person that they fit with yet."
"I like you Seukhyun."
"But do you love me?"
She doesn't know how. She is certain that she doesn't.
.oOo.
She is surprised to still be in Ojihara's good graces, likely because Seukhyun hasn't yet complained about their failed romance. Though she wouldn't call it that, it had been too brief and too forced. Probably too sudden from the start. Really she had no business trying at all.
"What am I doing?" She rubs her face.
"Your laundry." Hajime replies.
Azula sighs. "I'm not talking about what I'm doing right now I'm talking about…" she supposes she is talking about what she is doing right now. Truly, what point is there in lingering here, performing mundane tasks like doing laundry. "I think that I should leave."
"Did something happen between you and Seuk? If Ojihara is evicting you, you can stay with Atsu and I."
"I'm not being evicted." Yet. "I've simply been here for too long."
Hajime chuckles. "I forgot that you're a wanderer."
She crosses her arms.
"If you think that leaving is good for you, then do what you need to do."
She nods. "Atsu will get over it right?"
"Hmm?"
"When I'm gone. Atsu will get over it?"
"He's a resilient kid." Hajime sighs. "He's dealt with loss before, I think that he'll be alright."
"And you?"
He laughs, "just join me for dinner once before you go, okay?"
He has been well to her. She supposes that she owes him at least that much.
.oOo.
"Sorry that it isn't anything fancy." He says as she looks over the meal he has prepared. Truth be told, she had been expecting a night out with a more lavish atmosphere rather than a home cooked meal had over a few candles. She supposes that Seukhyun has been spoiling her. And how strange it is to call something as simple as Seukhyun's dinner dates, spoiling.
"I don't mind."
"That's a relief." He forces a chuckle.
"Why?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. I guess that it's just that Seukyun...he's charming and clever and his old man is the richest man in Wu-Jing. And all I have is this. This small shack, just enough to get food and clothes, and just enough left over to get Atsu some new toys every once in a while."
"This is fine." She has grown used to much less. "It's comfortable." Very comfortable, there is nothing around to tempt her back to the palace and its alluring luxurious. Nothing to flash reminders of her past in her face. "What is this anyways." She gestures to the bowl.
"It's cabbage stew. Atsu has been begging me for cabbage stew."
"What kind of child begs for vegetables?" The deprived sort, she answers for herself. The sort who was always expected to stay away from sweets until the desire for it was replaced with guilt for eating them…
"The kind that was told that vegetables will give him plant bending powers." Hajime winks. "If he asks, tell him that eating sunflower seeds makes fire benders stronger."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"If you don't like cabbage, I can make us something else."
"Cabbage stew is fine."
He takes his seat, "you seem quieter than usual tonight."
She shrugs.
"What's going on, Rikka?"
That she isn't Rikka at all. That she can never truly be Rikka no matter how fervently she pines to be. That she will always be Azula. No matter what she does, Azula will always be there. And Azula will only complicate and dismantle Hajime's cozy lifestyle.
"I think that I've just stayed here for longer than I should have." She replies. And now she is hesitant to let it go.
"Why's that?"
"Sooner or later it's going to catch up and when it does, it's going to get me and it's going to take you down with it."
"What is?"
"You don't know me Hajime. You don't know what I am…"
"I know that you have a past." He replies. "And that if you want to talk more about it, I'll listen, no judging."
No judging…
But how can he say that when he doesn't know just how much he will have to downplay and fight to justify? "I don't want to talk about it." She just wants one person who cares for her without feeling as though she is a volcano waiting to erupt.
He nods. "That's alright." He frowns and likely that's the end of it. All the better, it will make it easier for her to leave when he admits that it isn't alright and that he'd be better off with someone who has less mystery, less baggage.
"I think that I should go now."
"Do you want to say goodbye to Atsu?"
She shakes her head. That would make things tripley hard. "He's trying to sleep."
"Right." Hajime stuffs his hands into his pockets and wanders with her towards the door. "Can I…? Can I tell you something before you leave?"
Her stomach sinks. She thinks that she already knows what's coming. "Is it going to make this more difficult?"
"Yeah, probably." He admits.
And maybe that's exactly what she's looking for. Something, some profound reason to stay. Something to keep her tethered… "I like you, Rikka."
"Clearly."
He shakes his head and gives a sad chuckle, "you really are awful with people." He brushes her hair back just as he had done on the bridge. But this time he takes her hand and kisses her cheek.
She bites the inside of her cheek just hard enough to taste blood. Just hard enough to swallow her emotions and keep her eyes from getting misty. "Good history or bad history, I'd like you to stick around and share it with me one day."
He truly isn't making this easy at all. She wishes that she has retained just enough apathy to leave.
"Will you come back?"
"What?"
"After you go…" he gestures vaguely "do whatever you're going to do, will you come back and tell me how it went. Atsu will probably want to hear every detail."
She looks towards her feet and runs a hand through her hair. She is a wanderer. She can't afford to be tethered and yet…"no."
"No?"
She sighs, "there won't be a story to tell." She replies. "I've just decided not to leave." He probably thinks her to be annoyingly fickle. She waits for a wash of relief to overtake her. For that tell-tale rush of certainty, the one she gets every time she makes a decision that she knows is correct.
It doesn't come.
Agni she is so lost…
He takes her hand, she doesn't think that she has seen anyone look so relieved and joyful. "Thank the spirits for that!" He squeezes her hand. And there it is, if only slightly. A small little wave of reassurance.
The current is just strong enough to pull her closer to him. Just close enough for her lips to hover over his. Where she hesitates, he fills in the blanks. He pulls her that much closer, his forehead touches hers and then his lips brush her lips.
She closes her eyes.
He tastes like hope and like cabbage stew. He feels like a chance, a beginning.
"Ewwwww, dad! You guys are gross!"
That night she learns what it is to love.
.oOo.
The days keep her rather busy, mercifully so. Between an official welcome home ceremony and several council meetings, her mind is kept well away from the trickier things. From Sokka and his well-meant words.
She lets herself slink back into petty delights; absurdly luxurious silk robes, a full face of makeup, and an immoderate amount of pampering. She closes her eyes, clasps her hands over her belly, and leans back into the chair as one of several servants massages richly scented fire lily shampoo into her hair. Another lifts her hand and scrubs it with lotion while another still files her nails.
Old habits. She is falling back on old habits.
In a way it is a comfort, at least now she can prove that she hasn't changed that significantly. That she isn't worth giving a second chance. That she isn't worth befriending.
And yet the tribesman still marches right up to her as brazenly as before. But of course; it isn't about a face full of makeup or a few days of overindulgent spoiling, she has to sell it. "What do you want?" She asks stiffly, without so much as opening her eyes.
"You're grumpy today." He laughs.
"What do you want?" She repeats, with significantly less bite.
"I get it." He says, "we had a deep conversation and things got...fluffy so now you have to act tough. Zuko does the same thing."
She quirks a brow, "you're going for the low jabs today." She sees a flood of relief fill his eyes. He nudges her. The servant scoffs while Azula rolls her eyes. Sokka mumbles an apology as the servant sighs and begins scrubbing the stray line of polish off of Azula's finger. "Low jabs aren't enough, you have to ruin my manicure too?"
He half smiles. "So being on the road has given you a sense of humor!"
"I had a sense of humor before?"
"A bad one."
"It was fine before." The servant puts her hand back in place and reaches for the other. She holds it up and inspects their handiwork. "Now, don't make me ask a third time. What do you want, Sokka?"
.oOo.
He is fairly certain that she doesn't mean to sound so startling this time, but her drawl is just low and slow enough to be so. He thinks that it doesn't even register to her. She lays her head back and closes her eyes once more with a small yawn.
Sokka takes a deep breath. He supposes that now is as good a time as any. "I was hoping that we could go...do an activity together." He could slap himself. He really needs to find something else to fall back on when he doesn't know what he wants to say.
"Sure Sokka. You let me know when you figure out what that activity is and I suppose we can do it."
He blinks, "really?"
She nods.
He grins, "great! Uh there was this theater show that I wanted to see."
"It better not be one of those war reenactments. I'd rather not see my misfortunes played for laughs."
He rubs the back of his head. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to see that either." He cringes as the memories of the Ember Island Players flood back in. "It's actually a Fire Nation retelling of Cave Of The Two Lovers."
Azula crinkles her nose. "Your taste in theater is terrible."
He deflates.
"But I suppose that it beats another awkward dinner where Zuko treats me like I'm delicate and unstable."
"Good!" He exclaims. "I mean good that you still want to go, not that Zuko…" He flushes.
"I know what you meant, Sokka." She replies softly.
He finds himself nervously rubbing the back of his head again. He wonders how it is that she is still so cool and collected while he is a blundering mess despite having declared that she no good with socializing. He thinks that it is actually coming quite easily to her, even if she doesn't realize it. And maybe that's exactly why he is itching so furiously to get close to her, to figure out exactly what changed her so much.
"Do you have somewhere else to be or are you just going to stand there and watch them pamper me?"
"To tell you the truth, I don't have anywhere to be until tonight."
"Of course you don't." The serving girl sets another perfectly groomed hand back in position. Azula turns her head to look at him. "You might as well have a seat then."
"Is this going to take a while."
"That depends, which theater are we going to?"
"Why does that matter?"
"I'm not in the Earth Kingdom anymore; higher end theatres require more makeup and styling."
"Is anything really required when you're the princess?" He asks. "What do you want to do?"
"It's what I don't want to do, Sokka. I already speak like an Earth Kingdom peasant, I don't want to make a fool of myself."
.oOo.
She doesn't want to make a fool of herself and she also doesn't want to lose the self that she has worked so hard to find. But, Agni, how easy being back home makes it. Yet, it would be easier to avoid replacing Hajime if she made herself as unlikable as she had been…
"You won't make a fool of yourself. And if you do, I'll be there to make a bigger fool of myself and then they won't even pay attention to you."
But he is making it terribly difficult to do so-her heart seizes and she bites the inside of her cheek.
"And besides, everyone will be watching the show, not you."
"Sokka, I am the show."
She has never heard him laugh so hard. A full and booming belly laugh. "Not everything is about you."
She narrows her eyes and crosses her arms as her cheeks color themselves a faint pink. "I've only just come home, not even a month ago, I'm going to draw looks. It only takes a short look to…"
"To what? Decide that you're backwater street trash now?" He pauses. "Believe it or not, things have changed here too. Most people have been nice to you, remember?"
She rubs her lips together. "I'm used to..."
His face softens, trading his jesting demeanor for something more sympathetic. "Having to be perfect for everyone?"
"It wasn't like that in the Earth Kingdom."
"It doesn't have to be like that here either. Unless you want it to be."
She doesn't.
"We're going to the Phoenix Claw theater. How much beautifying does that require?"
She sighs. "The highest degree of it."
"I'll get something to read while I wait."
He makes it to the door before she finally makes up her mind. She supposes that it will be fun to tell him that he wandered all the way down the hall and up the stairs and then back again for no reason.
"Do you want us to bring your fuller makeup collection."
She shakes her head. "A touch of it will do just fine." She'll let her natural beauty do the rest of the work. She inhales deeply, Agni does she hope that she won't come to regret it.
.oOo.
She is tense almost the whole time. Tense and, admittedly, underdressed. He might have underestimated just how opulent this theater was going to be. And now they are standing out because they don't stand out. And admittedly, even he feels flustered. He can only imagine how awkward Azula feels.
"Sorry." He mumbles. "I didn't realize that it would be this fancy."
Azula shrugs. "I've been here before."
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks. "Nevermind. You tried to."
"Yes." She agrees.
As they take their seats, he can't help but feel like he has blown it. Blown whatever relationship they have built. And all because...because what? He tried to push her to be herself. To do what made her comfortable. But she isn't comfortable at all. She shifts in her seat. With ten minutes to show time, most people do gander at her and he isn't sure if all of their gawking is born of starstrickeness.
They whisper too, just loud enough for him, every now and again, to catch an, "is she alright?" Or an, "I thought that she had been given her status back."
"I think that you look perfect." He smiles.
"Thanks." She murmurs.
Every so often he hears someone quietly ponder about how they wish that they could be brave enough to come to the theater dressed so informally. Or about how simplicity has more tact. He isn't sure that Azula hears those musings. He is certain that she is deeply into blocking most everything out.
It is a relief when the candles are snuffed and the curtains rise. He finds himself watching her more than the show. Watching her expression, seeing the stress leave it for a brief time. She catches him more than once.
The curtains fall and the candles are re-lit. She wastes no time, "I'm not the show?"
"You were for me."
"You aren't smooth, Sokka." She folds her arms. This time he can't tell at all whether she is joking or not. Is isn't brazen enough to ask. Not as brazen as the people around them;
intermission is a steady flow of bolder mutterings. "So that's what an extended stay in the Earth Kingdom does to a person" and "such a shame."
He feels her hand grip his. And very tightly. He thinks that she might not even be aware that she is doing it. She is anxious enough, he doesn't point it out, doesn't jerk away.
"Follow me." She says.
He doesn't protest, intentions be damned, he has definitely messed up.
But she doesn't lead him to the door.
She leads him to the stage.
.oOo.
There was something so exhilarating, about it. About striding down the aisles and climbing onto the stage.
"Azula what are you…?"
"Just get up here." She holds her hand out and pulls him on stage with her.
It is a compulsion, more than anything else.
An impulse.
"Introduce us."
"What?"
"Introduce us, Sokka."
His face is redder than the curtains behind them. He clears his throat, "uh...flameo hotmen...and hotwomen."
She chuckles. "Louder, Sokka."
He clears his throat once more and repeats himself.
"They can't hear you. You have to do it like this." She pauses and with as much more bravado than she actually feels calls out, "flameo hotmen and women!" Her voice carries about the theater. She feels almost as though she is at one of her father's war meetings, all eyes on her. All ears. Watching, waiting, hooked on her every word. "I am your princess and this is my… I don't know what he is…"
"Your friend?" He suggests.
"This is my," she hesitates, "friend, Sokka. And, since you've all been staring at us anyways, we'll be performing the rest of the show!" Her voice resounds around the room, throwing her own impromptu foolishness back at her.
It is stupid.
It is humiliating.
It is liberating.
.oOo.
His face is still burning well into their quiet walk home. And he isn't sure which bit leaves him feeling the most fluttery; the botching of the script, the exaggerated yet propless gestures, or that she had…
He still tastes her lipstick on his lips. He must say, she is a phenomenal thespian.
And she had done her first show in front of a full house at Capital City's most extravagant, esteemed theater.
"Not bad for first time actors." He forces a laugh.
She shrugs. "It is my show. Everything is about me."
"Only because you made it about you." He points out.
Her walking comes to a halt. "Did I?"
"Well, you took the background role you were hired for and cast yourself in the starring role."
"Perhaps I did."
"Why?"
She shrugs again and continues her stride.
"Why?" He insists.
"Maybe I'm tired of pretending."
She isn't looking at him, but he looks away to conceal his grin anyhow.
.oOo.
"Maybe I don't want to hide anymore." She adds quietly. It is so tiresome to continuously refine herself. To suppress aspects of herself. To present an immaculate and polished version of her when the real her has been beaten and worn and reshaped into something else entirely. Something more pleasant. She doesn't think that she was ever truly the elegant sort. Not by nature.
"Sorry, this was such a disaster. It was supposed to be a relaxing night." Sokka laments. "But I put you on the spot and made you feel upset again."
"No, Sokka." She gives a small titter. "It was...nice."
"Nice?"
She nods. "I had...I had a good time."
She doesn't feel upset. She feels like herself. For the first time since coming home, she feels like herself.