Fair warning, this chapter is going to be much heavier. And it will include death and blood. Nothing graphic but some sensitive themes including the deaths of children. If this isn't something you're comfortable with you might want to skip the flashback part or the chapter as a whole.
Guest: Thank you :) I am planning on keeping this one going!
starbuck151: Yesss! I love me a heartfelt conversation! He's going to have a lot more concern when he finds out what that something is. He's already worried and he doesn't even know what exactly happened. "He's patient, he's loving and caring and understanding. And after a lifetime of abuse and neglect, she needs those things so much." Agreed! It's the kind of influence that will be really helpful in her life. Which, like you said, makes him just sitting with her and listening to her so important. " I love it, and you do such a good job with that dynamic across your stories. It was one of the things I absolutely loved about The Fishbone & The Firelily and The Art of Remembrance." Thanks :D that dynamic is definitely my favorite when working with these two. And I would agree there, Sokka just has that kind of nature; he's a good and selfless guy. And thanks again ."I'd love more story every chapter but then I'm a binge consumer who's never satisfied with just a taste xD." xP That's fair. I tend to do shorter chapters and more frequent updates. I probably could do longer chapters but it would take me much longer to put them out and I'd have trouble focusing. So I strive for short but impactful chapters. "Overall I love the pacing. Chapters feel just right, with a perfect amount of backstory and present, with updates every couple of days." And thanks for the feedback here! I used to struggle with pacing so it's great to get feedback on it. "because at the end of the day you're an awesome person publishing content for us with nothing but thanks and kind words in return." Aww, thanks so much! Reviews like these really help keep me motivated!
Azula leans over the rails of the bridge. The deep summer air blows through her locks. They have grown long again. She supposes that she has regained enough dignity to not warrant cutting it once more.
She takes a deep breath. She is going to tell him today. She is going to tell him everything. She thinks that it is quite long overdue. Especially now, she smooths her hands over the stretched fabric of her shirt. The world around her smells of moss and pine. It smells fresh and new.
Her feet thud against the wooden planks of the bridge as she crosses it. Hajime...her house isn't so far from the woodland but her feet are already plenty sore from having stood on them for so long. By the time she reaches her porch they are throbbing rather incessantly.
"Mom!" Atsu shouts and throws himself at her legs. She braces herself against the doorframe as Hajime calls for him to slow down and be careful. Atsu never had known how to slow down. He is practically bouncing up and down as he pulls on her arm, "look what I made! Look at it! Look at it!" He gives her several more tugs and leads her to the nursery. It isn't quite ready yet; the crib has been assembled and filled with many cozy, handmade blankets and pillows and a few toys rest at the foot of it, ready to be played with. They have yet to build a changing table and there are several stuffed animals that she would like to have sewn.
"Look!" Atsu grins. "I made posters for him!"
She has long since given up on trying to tell him to not get attached to the idea of having a brother when he very well could have a sister instead.
He holds up his first painting, "this is a tigerdillo and this one's me, you, and dad...and this one is Bao fighting Fire Lord Bonsai and…"
Azula quirks a brow. "You've been working hard."
"He's making his sibling an art gallery." Hajime laughs.
"I can see that." She replies. She picks up one of the paintings. "Where do you want to hang this one?"
"The ceiling!" Atsu declares.
"Alright, if you can get it up there, you can hang it from the ceiling."
Atsu blinks. "No, mom, you put it up there!" He flashes her a wide grin.
"Your mom needs to take it easy, Atsu."
"I can handle a simple task like that just fine."
"I know that you can, but it wouldn't kill you to just relax, would it?"
If boredom could induce death, she is sure that it would kill her. She puts her hands on her hips and gives a slight pout. She supposes that her back is rather sore and she had just taken quite a decent walk…
Hajime comes to stand behind her and rest his chin on her shoulder. He takes her hand and guides it over the bump. It still leaves her feeling slightly perturbed to feel the baby kick against her touch. It is a reminder that it is all real. That she isn't making it all up.
On some days, the rougher days feeling that little kick is what makes her feel real. Though daunting and frightening in its own right, it is grounding. It is a constant when Hajime isn't around to help her.
But on her worst days, the kicking only adds to the unrest and disconnect in her mind. It takes her to a place where her body is not her own, where someone else pulls the strings and she is only a husk…
Today is a pleasant day. Today she feels a sense of security in the little kicks. At the very least, she is growing used to them. Hajime kisses her neck while she watches Atsu attempt to walk up the wall. He takes a running start, manages to take perhaps two or three admirable steps up the wall before falling on his rear with a loud, "owie!"
"Okay, wall!" He declares, pointing a finger at it. "Get ready to get climbed!" He very confidently stomps back up to it and tries a second time. And a third before Hajime finally remarks, "alright, how about we try hanging your pictures somewhere else?"
While the man goes to help their son, she makes her way into their bedroom and lies down. She takes off her shoes and lowers herself upon the mattress. She rests her hand atop her belly and absently rubs her hand over the bump. She isn't sure how to or when she should begin telling him who she is. She just knows that it has to be done tonight, before she loses her mustered courage.
.oOo.
She watches Atsu and Caihong teeter after a glowing plume of fireflies. The critters are all over the place tonight, gathering in swamps. It must be the height of their mating season. And how the trees sparkle with them. She has seen the bugs in the Fire Nation but the cicadas usually outnumber them and she has never had the pleasure of watching them tuck themselves into such thick canopies.
"So, how are things coming along?" Seukhyun asks.
Azula drums her fingers against her belly, "as smoothly as they can be I suppose." Though she can certainly do without the aches and pains and the occasional need to update her wardrobe.
"Good to hear." He replies. "Ojihara misses having your help with the planting and harvesting. It certainly isn't as fun for me without being able to compete with you."
She gives the thought a lazy little hand wave, "you can certainly stop by any time and beg for my help. Of course, when I say yes you will have to provide me with plenty of refreshments."
"I think that Ojihara and I can work something out."
"Wonderful." She claps her hands together. "The baby is partial to pineapple juice."
"The baby or Rikka?" Seukhyun quirks a brow.
It is the both of them really. Hajime wanders up the porch steps. "I think that I've caught enough fireflies to light up our whole bedroom for the night. And that's without Atsu's contribution."
"How many did Cai catch?" Seukhyun asks.
"Way too many. In fact she told me to go get you so that she can show you."
Seukhyun rises and stretches his arms. "I'll talk with Ojihara tonight and see if we can get you some light duty work and some pineapple juice."
Azula gives him a thumbs up.
"You're trying to go back to work?"
Azula shrugs. "It isn't too hard to pluck a few turnips."
"Under the scorching sun?"
"I'm a firebender and so is the baby." She declares, pridefully turning her chin up and gesturing to her tummy. "I can feel it."
Hajime laughs. "If you say so. But don't be upset when our baby grows up and starts throwing rocks."
"I won't. It's a fire baby. Only a fire baby would be this intense." And intense things have been. Her cravings are quite ravenous and her spells of nausea can be rather overwhelming. She has only complained of them as often as she can. Only a fire baby can be so extreme.
She waits for Hajime to fill Seukhyun's empty chair. She waits a little longer after that, watches the fireflies drift care-free and enchantingly. At least she speaks, "I have something to tell you."
"What's that?"
She clears her throat. "First, tell me that you will hear me out entirely."
"I can do that."
"No interruptions. No questions until I am finished." Her stomach grows jittery, doubly so with the baby squirming about.
"No interruptions or questions, Rikka."
She takes a deep breath. "Not Rikka." She pauses. Another deep breath. "My name isn't Rikka."
He smile softly and gives her a nod of understanding. He waits so very patiently for her to continue. She supposes that, that in itself makes a difference. He interlocks his hand with hers.
She opens her mouth but the silence is stolen by a sharp cry from Caihong and a loud curse from Seukhyun. Atsu cries out too. Hajime grips her hand tighter and stands up. She with him. "Rikka, sit down." He knows very well that she has no plans to do anything of the sort.
She sees it on the treeline, a small and efficient blaze. "I'm good with fire, Hajime. You need me."
"I need you and the baby to be safe."
"We will be." She replies rather flippantly. She can't run as fast as she had some six months ago and her balance isn't so enviable. But she can still out pace Hajime.
Seukhyun carries both of the children, his face red and horrified. "They're burning and razing the village."
Azula's stomach drops.
"Why would the Fire Nation…?" Hajime starts.
She shakes her head. "This isn't a Fire Nation attack. There would be a lot more fire than this."
"It's them, Hajime." Seukhyun huffs. "They're back."
"Who?"
"The Gemsbok Bulls." He shouts over a wailing Caihong.
"Who are they?"
"They're the army faction responsible for the last massacre." Hajime answers grimly.
"I reckon they want vengeance."
Hajime throws the door open. They are inside already. "Shit." Seukhyun hisses. He backs out of the doorway. She sees the arrow pierce his head, a shot so skilled, so mighty that it goes in through one ear and nearly out the other. He pitches over, Caihong and Atsu topple with him.
"Daddy!" Caihong screeches.
Azula yanks her back, she and Atsu both. Her stomach cramps and she winces. She turns and kicks a ring of fire at the men who are already inside of her home. She doesn't think that Hajime has taken notice of her attack. She doesn't have the luxury of dwelling on it, the dull ache becomes quite intense, involuntary tears prickle behind her eyes.
The men duck and Hajime lurches forward, landing a sturdy punch to the man's ribs. It is enough to rattle his armor and knock him off of his feet. His combatant catches Hajime by the jaw. Azula tosses her best fireball at the man. He staggers back as an arrow whizzes past her head.
Decidedly, the archer is the deadliest foe.
She has to take the archer out.
"Hold them off, Hajime."
"What are you doing?"
"Just hold them off." She throws herself outside and throws up a wall of fire. The arrow turns to ash before it can reach her. She waits for another to fly. If she can take the archer down then she can get Atsu and Caihong out of this. She catches a flash in the treeline. She throws up another line of fire and readies her lightning. The arrow disintegrates, her fire falls, and her lightning discharges. The sound of the woman's body dropping is lost beneath a crack of thunder.
"Atsu! Caihong! Get out here!"
She gets answer from neither and her anxious queasiness swells. She lurches back inside, Agni she is so tired. The ache in her belly is growing to be quite searing. The baby's kicking is insufferable. She grits her teeth and presses a heated hand to her tummy, it does nothing to soothe the babe this time.
"Mama!" Atsu shouts.
Hajime is on the ground, arm pinned beneath a boulder, nose bleeding.
"Ya got'a new wife?" Speaks the largest of the soldiers. His eyes-one blind and one a vivid green-flicker from she to Hajime.
"I won't let you take her from me too." He winces.
The soldier gives a bellowing laugh before another boulder crashes through their wall and drops onto his other hand. Atsu shrieks again. She can't find Caihong. "And how are you going to stop me from under there? You can't help her."
"I can help myself just fine." She promises. She takes down the men behind her first. Normally she would reach back and launch them over her shoulders but the bump is in the way. Instead she raises her arms and lets two bursts of fire rise from her palms. The men stumble back.
The soldier throws Atsu to the side, the boy lands with a thump and a whimper. She knows now that she will have the man dead. He throws himself at her, she lets him lumber forward before taking a quick step out of the way. She takes a sturdy stane and catches him by the arm. She hears his shoulder pop and she pulls him back towards her.
The other two soldiers rise. And now she is torn between fending for herself and keeping them away from Atsu and Hajime. Her first fire whip, buckles the man reaching for Atsu. Her second strikes the half-blind soldier. His blade grazes across her neck as he falls back.
Her heart races as a slowly flowing curtain of blood trickles down her neck and to her chest. She slams another fireball into him for good measure. Her baby gives another violent kick, she wills the poor thing to hang in there. She is almost finished.
The third soldier, a woman, she notices, has made it to Hajime. She shoves the half-blind soldier aside and charges the woman. She dodges a wall of rock, blasts it away. She knows that Hajime has seen this time, and how could he not have?
That rush of blue fire is the last thing he sees before the soldier scowls and brings a larger rock down to crush his throat. And Azula hopes, at the very least, that he got to know-even if for only an instant-the real her. She dreads that his last thoughts were ones of hatred and regret over having slept with the Fire Nation's very worst.
Atsu's piercing cries barely register as the light leaves Hajime's eyes. His final exhale whistles through her like a spirit. She doesn't scream neither does she cry. She isn't given the decency. Several more soldiers pour into the house. They seize her, pin her hands behind her back and the half blind soldier steps forward. He holds a blade to the top of her belly. Drags the cool metal down it, cutting a hole through her shirt as it goes. And when he reaches the bottom of her bump he takes pause. "I was hoping to to open you up in front of him...for old time's sake. But…" He gestures to Hajime's lifeless body. "You've deprived me of the pleasure. You and her both."
The Earth Kingdom woman has just enough time to process his words. Just enough time to let her eyes go wide. She is dead as soon as the boulder bashes her into the one she'd killed Hajime with.
His attention comes back to her, the blade bites deeper into her stomach and he swipes it horizontally. The tears come forward with a second rush of blood. And with her tears and blood comes another rush.
She screams. Her shout comes out as fire. The man stumbles back, clutching his face. She can see the blood seeping through his fingers. She hopes that he is suffering greatly. He must be. Only pure pain can induce the rage that drives a man to growl and growls give the belly of a pregnant woman a good kick.
She doesn't remember what happened after that. She only remembers agony to a degree that she has never felt before or since. It comes from her body, from the baby's body, and from her mind.
That night she learns what it is to die.
.oOo.
Sokka's mouth runs dry. His eyes drift from the badgermole to the scar on her neck and then the partially exposed scar on her belly. He takes her hand and squeezes it as he fumbles for something to say. Anything at all.
Yet nothing sounds right in his mind. Because it isn't okay and it won't be. Some things just aren't okay. He considers that a good majority of the things that have happened in her life will never be okay. Why else would she have run from those things, those places.
He swallows. "I'm glad that you're here now." He tries.
She grits her teeth and wipes at her eyes.
"I'm glad that you're here and not wandering out there alone somewhere."
She draws a shaky breath as he recalls her mention of a long trip home. A long, lonely trip home. He recalls her joyful smile that night at the theater. That enthusiastic twinkle in her eyes. He wonders how many times Hajime got to see that.
And he wonders how she has managed to hide all of that hurt. How it had even been possible to bury it out of sight. How, up until now, she has been so composed. How she is still able to smile at all.
She is resilient.
He wishes that she wouldn't have to be.
He isn't sure if he should but hugs her tightly. If she hates it she can always shove him away. She doesn't. In fact, she presses her face against his chest and bunches her hands in the folds of his clothes. He squeezes her. He can't take the pain away, but he can try.
She still sobs so openly.
The sort of gut-wrenchingly hunting cries that only true loss can bring.
"Sokka, what's going on." Zuko's face is grim. Concerned. "She's not…" he trails off. "Is she?"
"It's a long story, Zuko."
"I have time."
"I should let Azula tell you herself." He rubs small circles on her back.
.oOo.
Zuko has tea and a hot meal waiting for her but she hasn't the appetite for even a single bite. She stares at her palms. She feels rather numb. She thinks that she would rather feel numb. It is better than feeling grief.
"I was going to name it Juro." She whispers more to herself, vacantly she trails her pointer along the scar. She feels herself slumping over again. Zuko catches her and holds her upright.
"What are you talking about, Azula?"
She shakes her head. She was going to do a lot of things. She was going to tell Hajime her name. She was going to tell Ojihara and Seukhyun. She was going to be Azula again. She was going to teach Juro to firebend. She was going to teach him about Fire Nation culture. She was going to breakup squabbles when Juro tried to snatch Bao from Atsu. She was going to bring them all to see the palace one day. She was going to make a life where they could vacation to Ember Island and return to Wujing after.
She was going to be happy.
She was going to heal.
She is furious and tormented.
She is more wounded than before.
"At least have a sip." Zuko tries gently. She absently picks up the teacup and gives it a small sip.
She squeezes her eyes shut and swallows down an unreleased sob. The tears still leak out. Sokka cups his hand over hers.
"What happened, Azula?" Zuko asks again.
She rises, she isn't quite steady but she makes it to her nightstand. She rummages through it and pulls out her journal. She drops it into his lap and drops herself back onto the mattress.
It is much easier to just let him read it. She isn't up for speaking of it a second time. She rolls onto her side and bunches herself up, nauseous with stress and mourning. It settles quite heavily that she hasn't processed it. Not truly.
Zuko tucks himself into the corner and begins reading.
"I don't know if this will help at all." Sokka starts. "But I lost someone too."
"Suki?"
Sokka shakes his head. "No, not Suki. Suki's still around, she just decided to focus on Kyoshi Warrior stuff instead of a relationship. I lost someone named Yue."
Azula is quiet for a very long time, trying to figure out why he is trying to make this about him. Empathy, she remembers. He is being empathetic. She supposes that there isn't much else he can say anyways. But that doesn't stop him from trying.
"I promise that you don't have to go through this alone."
And she supposes that, that means something.
It means almost everything.
She promised herself on that day in the plains, that she wouldn't let herself wander through everything on her own.
It means absolutely everything.
He was the first person to make her feel truly alive in a very long time.
She rolls over to face him and reaches for whatever is steaming on the plate. She sits up as Sokka hands it to her. She should take care of herself. She likes to think that she is solidly past the catatonic stage.
"I know." She finally says.
She has waited too long to reply, "Huh?"
"I know that I'm...not alone." She clarifies. And she thinks that, that very well might be the only reason that she is willing to sit up and eat. She thinks of her first night home, of the well wishes she had been given and of the warm welcome back. She thinks of awkward game nights with Mai and TyLee. She thinks of sparring sessions with Zuko. Mostly she thinks of story swapping with Sokka and a very humiliating and liberating night at a theater.
She thinks of life.
Of the things that she is still going to do.
Even if she can't bring herself to do those things now.