The following days consisted of helping the wounded, treating their wounds, alongside Feyre and her sisters. We did all we could to help the warriors that had been injured from the battle, however not all had survived. We couldn't help everyone.
Especially not the Hybern soldiers who had surrendered. No, they had been drowned on dry land. With no one to help them.
Even though they fought for our enemy, they were still just people like the rest of us. Maybe they had a family at home to take care of. And maybe it had been for them - maybe they had surrendered for their family because they didn't entirely believe in this war.
Not that I thought they should have gone free, because after all, they were our enemy. But in these following days I couldn't forget the despair in their eyes when they heaved for air. The picture haunted me during day and night, crowding my nightmares and reminding me of too similar times just few months away. This was among the reasons to why I don't want to partake in politics. I'm no good at it and I invest myself too much.
When the next battle showed its face, it went pretty similar to the first. Without too many complications, we won the battle. My role in which was the same, standing somewhat away from the battlefield with Morrigan, Feyre and her sisters, sending power to, this time, a few Illyrians and the High Lords that were present. At one point, Morrigan had joined the battle, and Feyre had suddenly disappeared as she said she had somewhere to go. She didn't return for a while.
When our victory was official and Rhysand found out about Feyre's absence, he almost ripped Morrigan's head off. In the heat of the moment, he also shot a curse at me, scolding me for letting his mate wander off. It was a very primal rage and made me think of Feyre's words of the mating bond. That night a few weeks ago when she had explained the concept of mating bonds, how it was indeed a very primal thing - something that let you know that you had found your equal, the one with whom you would get the greatest offspring with. This part of it truly shined through when Rhysand continued his rage until she finally showed up with Helion in the war tent.
At that point, Rhysand had fell silent and pale, and when she winnowed in with the other High Lord, he simply reached for her and embraced her. Something had happened to her, I figured, judging from the way she looked and how she cried into his chest. The rest of us excused ourselves silently and exited the tent to let them be.
When they after some time joined us outside, there was a heated argument between Cassian, Rhysand and Morrigan. I didn't hear much of it as I had put myself to tend to an injured Illyrian that groaned loudly from pain, but I noticed that Feyre and Morrigan at some point entered the tent to talk and minutes later both exited, each more angry than the other it seemed.
The was a clear tension in the air in the following hours.
…
"Some of us are going out tonight," a woman's voice sounded later that day. "And you're coming with us." Morrigan stood in front of me with a look in her eyes that told me that this was not an offer I could refuse. Whether I liked it or not, I was going to do as she bid.
"Out where?" I asked skeptically, looking to our surroundings. There wasn't exactly anywhere to go out here in the war camp. Nor was this probably the best time.
She looped her arm around mine and began walking towards her tent. "We'll winnow back to Velaris and then I'll show you a wonderful place called Rita's where we'll drink and dance the night away," she said dreamily. I wondered why she was us such a hurry to get away - had something happened between her and Feyre? Had their angry looks really been anger towards each other? "If we're all going to die one of these days, we should at least have had the chance enjoy ourselves a little."
And that's how I found myself standing in a restaurant in Velaris where the tables had been cleared away to reveal a dance floor which was already filled with dancing Fae and faeries. The music almost muted Morrigan's shriek of delight when we arrived there.
If the dress that she had worn at the High Lords meeting had been scandalous, then I couldn't imagine what that smug Eris from Autumn Court would think of what she now wore. It was hardly a dress with its length ending on the upper top of her thighs, but if anyone could wear something like this it was Morrigan.
Even though some of my curves had returned, I still envied her for her body and her relation to it. She was not ashamed of showing it off. It was probably this obvious confidence that had every male and female turn their eyes at her when she strutted towards the bar.
I was wearing a bright blue gown that Morrigan had lent me. She had insisted on us getting ready together in her chambers at the House of Wind. I had felt somewhat of a charity case - like she actually didn't want to be friends with me, but simply pitied me and wanted to feel better herself from helping me look like a, though less beautiful, version of her. But I had let her. Because I could sense that she needed this for some reason.
I heard Morrigan order drinks for all of us and that they should keep them coming as I entered the restaurant with Cassian, Azriel and Nesta.
Yes, Nesta. Somehow, Morrigan and Cassian had convinced her to come too.
I didn't know Nesta that well, but it probably wasn't unlikely that they had resorted to bribery to get her to come. Or perhaps Cassian's begging eyes had been enough. I would have been blind not to notice the intensity between them.
Feyre and Rhysand had not joined us, though. On the way here, no-one had spoken of them, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Morrigan's mood and her conversation with Feyre. Had they been fighting and had Morrigan wanted to come here to forget? From the look of it, this place was indeed perfect for forgetting oneself. This was a place for freedom and fun.
My heart jolted slightly at the thought of me being here with… friends? A concept that had always seemed to distant to me. I didn't know if I dared to join the dancing - which Morrigan with no doubt would herself - but the music lulled my senses and made my body relax. Perhaps I didn't need to dance in order to feel the freedom that this place offered.
Morrigan received plenty of glasses from the bartender - many more than the amount of people we were. Cassian had to help her carry them all, and she led us to an empty table where we all squeezed down. The glasses with amber liquid were distributed between us.
With her glass raised in front of her and with a great sparkle in her eyes, Morrigan said loudly to be heard over the music, "To the greatest of friends who literally goes through battles with you. Cheers!" We all lifted our glasses - I followed the lead of the others - and drank its contents. Even from the small sip that I took, I was confident that I didn't like it. It was strong and bitter and burned in my throat. I felt it warming my body with a faint glimmering sensation along with the slightest blush forming on my cheeks.
I must have made a face when I tried another sip, because Cassian laughed at me, "Not a fan? It's what Morrigan orders when she wants to get drunk fast." He had to lean over the table for me to hear him.
"Well, I'm sure it's very effective," I answered. I put down the glass on the table, not planning to drink more. I had never tasted alcohol before, but that wasn't what was on my mind - Morrigan had called us friends. Me included. Perhaps this was a place for me to fit in after all.
It took Morrigan seconds to down to more glasses before she stood up and ordered for us to dance. She didn't wait for us to get up before she almost ran towards the dancing crowd and joined in on the dancing. She moved her body in ways that I wondered how were possible. She had seemingly spent many hours here perfecting every single move. She completely outshined every Fae and faery with the slow, controlled movements of her hips. I wasn't the only one that noticed her; from the look of it, if someone hadn't noticed her earlier when she made her entrance, they certainly had now. She was almost hypnotizing to watch.
Cassian followed her, and then slightly hesitantly Nesta, too. Left at the table sat Azriel and me. "Not much of a dancer?" I asked him.
The shadows that usually surrounded him were not as evident tonight. Perhaps this place was a place where he could let go slightly, too. Azriel shook his in reply. "I used up all my supply of dancing at Starfall earlier this year, I think. Mor had finally convinced me to join her that night," he said. "And when it's with Mor, it's all night and some of the morning as well."
I glanced over my shoulder to look at the dancing group of Morrigan, Cassian and Nesta. Especially the former whose eyes shined with happiness. Yes, I could definitely picture her not ever wanting to stop. "Starfall?" I asked him, not sure of its meaning.
He nodded as his eyes, too, darted towards the others. "It's a yearly celebration in the Night Court," he merely said while still looking away. He seemed like he wasn't fully focused, like his mind were a completely different place than by this table. Only when he returned his gaze to look me in the eyes did he say, "You must see it for yourself."
Was that an offer? An invitation to join him and his court to the celebration? I felt a blush forming on my cheeks by the thought of this, so I broke our eye contact by looking at me still full glass. "I think I would like that," I said with a lower voice that he probably couldn't hear over the music. The thought of a time without war where there was place for celebrations and more nights like these had me dreaming.
The conversation fell quiet again as I allowed myself to enjoy the moment and the music - the beat of which I could almost feel in my bones. I closed my eyes and suddenly I could imagine my body moving to the beat of the music - my body dancing, my mind letting go of every restraint. Perhaps it was nothing to be afraid of. I didn't know how long I sat like this with my eyes closed. I was of course still just seated before Azriel, not dancing, but for once I tried to let go of my mind's restrictions. It was a mixture between slightly reaching out with my powers, however not channeling it to anyone, and accepting some powers that I had buried deep in me.
I snapped my eyes open as I felt something very, very strange. And yet, at the same it, it didn't feel strange - it felt normal, like it was welcoming me home. And when Azriel returned to the picture, I could almost see the tiniest thread between us. As if I had accidentally created it to channel my power just now, but it was nothing alike the threads I had casted out the previous days. And it wasn't newly created. It had been there for weeks, ever since that first day in the mountains, but only visible to me now. This was… With a sharp intake of breath, I realized what it was.
How? Was my first thought. How was it possible?
The male before me didn't notice anything. He didn't see the thread that lead from me to him. He wouldn't know if it was visible to him, because he wasn't looking anywhere near me. His eyes were glued to Morrigan which I noticed as I followed his stare. A mixture of love and desire glittered in his hazel eyes, something I had never noticed before. But like what had now first become evident to me now, it was probably the way he always looked at her.
Azriel was deeply in love with Morrigan. Azriel and Morrigan.
I suddenly felt like I had no bodily control. My heart raced and my hands shook as I reached hold of the table to try to steady myself even though I was already seated. My vision blurred and the room suddenly felt very small with too many people in it. What was going on? I tried to slow my breath to calm myself down, but that only intensified the claustrophobic feeling of not being able to breathe.
Azriel finally seemed to notice something going on in front of him because he returned to look at me. His eyes changed from the loving look to simply just a slightly worried look, but clearly not any more worried than he would feel for a stranger. "Are you -" he began saying as he was interrupted by me downing the contents of my glass and one more.
"I need some air," was all I could manage to say as an excuse as I stood up and headed for the exit. The warmth from the two downed drinks instantly spread through my body, even faster and stronger than the tiny taste had from earlier. It also, to my relief, dulled some of the hurt that had taken permanent residence in me.
It took every last control of myself to not fall on the way out. By the time I had reached the outside in the crisp night air, I had used up all of my control, so with none left I found myself falling in a bush, hands first, as I hurled my guts up.
Likewise, I lost completely control of my mind and it took over.
Pathetic, worthless loser.
No-one will ever love you.
You are foolish to think that anyone would.
You deserve nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
The voices kept going, making me think I had gone insane. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I hardly noticed.
Suddenly, I felt two soft hands brush my hair away from my mouth as I throwed up, again and again, until there was nothing left to throw up. I was slightly aware of a piercing pain in my stomach from throwing up so much.
"Iris, are you okay? Did you have too much to drink?" a female voice sounded. I turned to look in the direction of the sound and tried to make the blurred vision become focused again. It was Nesta that stood over hunched over me with her hands now on my back. She had a truly worried look in her eyes. I didn't let myself imagine what she was seeing as she looked at me.
I shook my head, closing my eyes. "No… I… No," was all I could make my tongue speak.
Worthless. You are worthless - nothing.
"Then what is it?"
I opened my eyes again, tears that I had no control over rolled down my cheeks again. And with a similar uncontrolled feeling of hopelessness, I told her, "Azriel is my mate."