I was looking out at the grand view of the Autumn Court before me. It was very different from Velaris and the Night Court, beautiful in its own way. The trees were all orange, brown and read - almost like they were on fire. It was no wonder that fire was the signature power of this court, both in sense of magic and temper.

I liked it here. Liked the nature and crisp wind. Perhaps I could see myself living here someday. It felt almost like an opposition to Velaris with its spiced scents and large forests surrounding the city instead of cold mountains. I had spent hours in those woods riding on horseback with Eris, so deep inside the woods that the trees no longer had ears.

But the darkness of the Night Court whispered to me, too. Of comfort. As is my body somehow longed to return it the darkness that I had once been trapped in and feared. A part of my mind knew it was completely wrong to live in Autumn; that my place was with the shadows.

"Sleep well?" A voice sounded behind me.

I turned around to see Eris lying half-naked in the bed that I had risen from moments ago. The red-headed's beauty was very different from the one of a certain other male. He was not overly muscular, but he still radiated with power. His features were sharp and cunning, ready to attack as a venomous snake. "Not really," I sighed and walked back to him. Despite of his almost-nakedness, we hadn't slept together - only next to each other. I usually liked that part of our friendship: us satisfying each other's needs. But after what had happened last night, I had found myself saying no - which had been met with understanding. I sat down on the bed, looking at the male before me for advice. "What should I do?"

I had been angry last night at him for leaving me at the balcony. He had known perfectly well that Azriel had wanted to speak with me. He had probably been standing close by and Eris had figured out his intentions. But my anger had been quick to vanish. Eris had never pushed me to talk to Azriel, not even before last night - but when he had scented Azriel close, he had probably not wanted to stand in his way. And had probably even been curious on my behalf of what he had to say to me.

This morning, as reality had hit me, I needed my friend to help me.

"I don't know," he said. He sat upright in the bed and studied my face for what was going through my head. "But you don't have go back today if you don't want. You're always welcome to stay here for a couple of days - or weeks even," he suggested.

I appreciated his offer, but I knew I had to go back. That I couldn't hide here. Besides, I didn't enough of my potion. I could already feel myself beginning to need this day's dosage, despite always taking it at night.

"My father likes you so that'll never be a problem," he added with a grin.

In other words, his father wouldn't kick me out of his court in hopes of me marrying his son.

"Yes, but for all the wrong reasons." His father knew, as my mother had, what a valuable wife to a High Lord I'd make: an infinite source of power. Perhaps even enough to take over multiple courts, something that probably seemed very appealing to Beron. "What are you plans for today?"

He told me how he was to oversee the training of a new litter of hounds - that today was the day for him to decide whether or not they were good enough of a breed. Eris was very particular with his pack of hounds. Only the best of the best was good enough. He said that he didn't expect the new litter to make it.

I had seen his hounds only once and had been very impressed. They were strong creatures, nothing I'd ever like to meet alone in the forest. The same cruelty that Eris was often associated with ran pure in the veins of the hounds. Their entire beings were molted with cruelty and horror, but they had met their master with the upmost respect. They were nothing less than perfectly trained.

Eris added that he had a meeting with his father this afternoon. They had to discuss the political standing of the Autumn Court. The High Lord didn't know of his eldest son's cooperation with the Night Court, something that Eris tried to upkeep by acting as a loyal son - not one plotting to overthrow his father.

I mostly tried to stay of out of politics, but I supported Eris. As one of his few friends who truly knew him for the male he was, I always would.

"Good luck," I told him afterwards, and he nodded his thanks. It was not an easy position he was in with regards to his father. "I'll go home now. I think I need to process what happened last night." I sighed as the thought of last night and the scene on the balcony before I bid Eris goodbye. "And- thank you." For helping me and leaving a party that he had been enjoying.

…

I winnowed back to the front door of my house. It had been a gift from Rhysand when the war had ended. He had offered me a place in Velaris where I could live in safety and deal with the trauma from my past. Today, this place meant everything to me. A true home. A place for me to live and grow as a normal High Fae.

It lay in the outer edges of the city, away from the busy streets, but still close enough to not walk too far before arriving at the inner city. The house was small and only suited for one person, but in spite of its size, it never felt too small - or anything like that small, dark cellar I had spent too many years in. The house was perfect, nothing less. Around it were trees tall enough to touch the clouds and the view from the front of the house was of the blue ocean.

After the war, I had spent many hours on making this a home for myself. Buying furniture and decorating. Planting herbs and flowers in the garden. Everything to feel like I had begun living my life. Slowly, however, reality had crawled up on me and had me lose some of my hope, but nevertheless, this house was very dear to me.

As was the female sitting outside it, studying her nails before she looked up to notice me. Even though I had seen her twice the last few weeks, Nesta was still almost unrecognizable. With the weight and muscle she had gained, and a wisdom in her eyes, she looked like a new female. She rose and opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her before she had the chance.

"Don't even start. There's no excuse for what you did," I said as I crossed my arms. I tried to let my face remain still without showing too much emotion, but the truth was that Nesta had really hurt me going behind my back. She - besides Eris - was the only person that I had confided in and told about the bond, and she had helped me by telling me that it was okay to not accept it. Now, she seemed to have turned a hundred and eighty degrees by going straight to Azriel and telling him.

Nesta's eyes dropped to my outfit - studying the dress that I had also worn last night. Without commenting on it, she returned to meet my eyes and said, "Azriel asked for you, you know. Wanted to know where to find you. I didn't tell him where you live."

I felt myself still almost instinctively. Azriel had asked for me? What did he want? The tiny involuntarily curiousness was pushed away with as much force as I could gather, and I let the anger rise in me instead. That, at least, was easier to deal with. "Am I expected to thank you?" The words felt like poison in my mouth, the same kind of poison that Nesta herself knew very well.

Nesta sighed and rose from her seat. "No, Iris. But I think you should talk to him when you're ready." Her voice was soft and not demanding. She was clearly trying to reach that part of me that she knew existed in me - whether or not I liked it. I didn't let her.

I uncrossed my arms and curled my hands into fists. "What is this? I thought you understood me. Has he really changed you that much? To believe that all mating bonds are so wonderful? To forget your friend?" I sent her a long look before I unlocked the front door and walked in, leaving the door open behind me.

The inside of my house was cozy and held a lot of furniture. It was rather small, but it didn't feel crammed up - probably because of the fact that I was a perfectionist and made sure that nothing lay where it wasn't supposed to. The house had three rooms: a living area combined with a small kitchen, a bedrom and a bathroom. There were large windows everywhere and everywhere else were bookshelves filled with books. I didn't have the same taste in books as Nesta, so only one shelf out of many shelves contained the smutty books that she had gifted me over the years. On the other shelves were history books and fiction books by new local authors from Velaris.

Nesta was quick to follow me. Her words were sharp as she reprimanded me, "Shut it. This is me being your friend." She didn't like that I had mentioned Cassian and I admit that it had been a dirty move. A year ago she probably wouldn't have told Azriel and would have agreed with me to never see him. Cassian and her new friends had helped change her, but mostly, Nesta had changed herself. Her view on mating bonds had probably changed as well. They were both silent for a few moments as Nesta closed the door behind her and I sat down in the armchair. When she spoke again, the harshness was gone, replaced by the soft voice like before, "I think you should at least give him a chance."

I looked down and curled my legs up in front of me, giving myself a shy hug - one that I would surely need for what awaited me. "A chance to what?" Like with Nesta, my voice was now soft, almost a whisper.

Nesta sat down in the armchair next to mine. "To show you he's more than the prejudices you hold against him. You think he's so in love with Mor that he can't love you-"

"I don't want to talk about that." My eyes shot to hers.

"Yeah, because I'm right. I don't think you have even tried to put yourself in his shoes, have you? To imagine how he is doing and why he acts as he does?"

I lowered my eyes again with the shame of the truth. I hadn't tried to imagine how he felt, or even how he would feel about a mating bond. He had a dark past like myself and probably still dealt with that to this day - something like that never really leaves you. But would he be interested in a mate, even if it wasn't the beautiful Morrigan? I had no idea how to answer that question. "How would I? I don't even know him."

She contemplated my words. "No, you don't and neither do I, but I'm guessing there's a good reason for everything. And the not knowing him part - that's pretty much our own fault."

She made a good point. I hadn't invested much time or effort in getting to know him besides the small amount of training sessions we'd had, but there had been almost no talking. It wasn't only his fault - even though it was easier to blame him for everything. "I… I'm not ready, Nesta," I finally admitted. I didn't wish for eternal and true love - I wished for a life. A normal life. One very different from what my mother had destined for me. I had hardly had time to build myself a new life before people now suddenly expected me to act a certain way - because if Azriel knew who else knew as well? Probably the entire inner circle, I thought to myself, very much disgusted by the mere picture of it.

"It's been 2 years, and you've only pushed it further away. I only see it going the wrong way. Not to say the right way is to accept the bond, but you should at least know what you're saying no to. That's why I told him," Nesta explained. She paused before she continued, as if she was unsure whether she should say the following words, "And… My sister once told me that a bond like this only snaps into place when you're ready for it. So perhaps it's a lie you keep telling yourself to make it easier."

I took a sharp inhale of breath, not knowing what to think of this. Could there be any truth to it? "So I'm a coward you mean?"

Nesta sank back into her seat and sighed. That was certainly not the reaction she had hoped for, but she didn't deny it. However, I knew she didn't see me as a coward, and that her intentions had never been to portray me as such. Deep down I knew she was probably right - and that my reaction was simply to push her away.

It had never occurred to me why the bond snapped so quickly in the first place. I didn't have a lot of experience with mating bonds having lived in solitude from the rest of the world most of my life. Most of what I knew of the phenomena was what Feyre had told me and what I had observed between her and the High Lord. It had both been a wonder to admire as well as very frightening - because the love seemed to deep and demanding. Feyre had been out of herself to say the least when Rhysand had died. Had she acted because of her true feelings for him or because of the power of the bond? Did she even have any true feelings for him? I had trouble to know the limits of the bond - a bond so powerful could easily manipulate your feelings, couldn't it? Taking away your choices for breeding purposes only. It seemed a hell of a lot like my mother. I couldn't afford to return to such a life.

But Feyre seemed happy. And now Nesta, too. They didn't seem to struggle with being constricted in their choices. Perhaps I was overreacting and making conspiracy theories to excuse myself for being scared. If I were to discover all life truly had to offer, perhaps I should give a mating bond a chance. At least figure out if my theories are correct or not.

After moment of silence, I finally spoke again, rubbing my temples as my head throbbed, "You made your point clear. I just need to think about it. Can you please just go back to being my friend, please? I kind of need her."

Nesta opened her mouth, probably ready to discuss with me - to tell me that she had been my friend all this time we had talked. But she was wise to close it again and instead said, "Of course. I love you, Iris. I only want the best for you." Her look was sincere, and I sent her a small but appreciative smile. "Now, I want you to hear my winter solstice gift from Cassian." She got up and searched her pocket for something.

"Hear?" I repeated, frowning. How could one hear a gift?

Nesta grinned and said, as she sat down a small object on the table in front of us, "Be prepared to be amazed."