apologies for the hiatus :) hope you'll still read!
David dressed quietly that morning, looking at Regina sleeping soundly in the bed. She was still naked, her bare shoulder peeking out from under the covers and hair falling over her face. Anxiety knotted in his stomach as memories flooded him from the night before. She hadn't responded when he'd slipped up and foolishly said he loved her after they'd had sex. He was met with radio silence and she'd rolled over with her back to him, both of them going to sleep without addressing it.
He was nervous of how her mood would be when she woke up. They'd fought, bickered, snuck around and had sex countless times since they'd divorced but they'd never uttered those words. That was a line they had never crossed before and he was afraid that he'd pushed her too far by saying it. As if this house and his family and their old friends weren't enough to suffocate her with the past, he'd actually told her he loved her. He had uttered the words when he was the one that wasn't available. It wasn't fair and he knew it.
One thing he did know was that if Henry caught him in the guest room with her Regina would rage at him for not leaving sooner, so he finished dressing hastily. The house sounded quiet and he was relieved that he'd naturally woken up before everyone else. He picked up his shoes from the floor before slipped out of the guest room, turning to look down at the door knob as he shut the door slowly before releasing it, careful not to make a sound.
"What the-" He nearly shouted when he felt a soft thwack on the back of his head before feeling his ear being grabbed, knowing instantly who had caught him. "Dad!" He whispered with a quiet groan as Robert frowned and led him to the stairs, "Can you let go of my ear? I'm not a kid anymore!" He fussed quietly as he followed him down the stairs in a slightly bent position when Robert refused to let go of his ear.
It was only when they reached Roberts study, away from the rest of the sleeping household that his father let go and frowned at him as David straightened and started rubbing his roughed up ear, "What the hell, dad?!"
"What the hell? Don't what the hell me! We heard the two of you last night," Robert frowned deeply and David realized that his father was uncharacteristically upset. It was rare after Robert quit drinking that he lost his temper or got truly angry about anything, let alone now after the years has mellowed him out even more so. "You're sleeping with Regina? What are you thinking?!"
"Come on, Dad. It's not just me, she was a willing participant," He frowned and rubbed at his neck, still waking up and processing the fact he'd been dragged downstairs by his father like he was 13 again.
"Has this happened before? Since the divorce?" Robert frowned in disapproval. "I knew there was something still between the two of you at Henry's party but I didn't think you'd go that far."
David glanced to the side sheepishly before looking at his father and nodding once, "It...never entirely stopped. We...well we have slip ups and..."
"No," Robert shook his head firmly, "This is unacceptable David, I raised you better than this."
"Me? Why is this all on me?" He looked at him with wide eyes at the way his father seemed to blame him wholly, "I'm not the only one who initiates it you know-"
"But you are the only one who is married," Robert cut in with a stone cold expression, "You made the choice to move on officially. It isn't fair to Regina to keep reeling her back in. Not to mention the new girl you made a vow to."
"It's not that easy, Dad," He frowned with a shake of his head, "I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to move on but...it's just not that easy."
"Why would you even marry again if you weren't over Regina? Why bring someone else into it?" Robert let out a breath and shook his head as if he couldn't understand.
"Because she was seeing someone else!" David threw up his hand, running it over his hair to the back of his neck in frustration, "Regina was seeing Robin and she cut it off with me. She said things were serious between them and she completely cut me out. We stopped texting, stopped calling, stopped sleeping together. We may have been divorced but we didn't act like it until she put an end to it for someone else. I was hurt and angry, I thought that as long as we were still tangled up in each other that there was a chance and then she shot that all to hell for some other guy," He shook his head, stopping when his voice faltered.
"So you married Mary Margaret out of spite?" His father frowned.
"No, no of course not," David paced the length of the study, "I liked Mary Margaret, she was so different from Regina, she seemed safe. I thought I would see myself being happy with her and I...I was lost, I needed someone, the thought of Regina being happy with someone else was eating me alive and I thought that if I forced myself in the right direction that the rest would come in time. I'd grow to love Mary Margaret like I should one day..."
"But that hasn't happened, because you're still in love with Regina..." Robert frowned as if he were beginning to understand, "And this Robin, your mother said he's no longer in the picture. Regina wasn't as serious about him as you thought she was."
"No we...Regina and I started sleeping together again after I was married. It seemed...safe, in a fucked up way because we both had someone else and we could pretend that it didn't mean anything that we kept at this," David swallowed hard, "But Robin, he left her because she can't have children...And it made me so fucking angry. And now she's living alone in that big house we used to share and I just...want to take care of her. The fact that we should be together isn't as easy to ignore now."
"So what are you going to do?" His father nodded, taking a seat in his chair contemplatively. The judgment in his tone had lessened now, seemingly understanding the predicament that David found himself in.
"I'm going to leave Mary Margaret," David nodded, looking down, "And make a real effort with Regina again. Even if she won't take me back, I don't love Mary Margaret like I should if I can cheat on her. I need to let her go. It's not fair to her. I'm going to speak with her when I get back after this weekend and end it."
"Make sure you end it with your wife before you discuss it with Regina, otherwise she won't take you seriously," Robert nodded in approval, standing again and patting David on the shoulder as he made his way to the door, "Don't mess this up with her again, son. That girl is the one for you."
Regina had showered and dressed despite her pounding headache and weak stomach from her hangover, hoping it would make her feel somewhat better. It worked a little but she still did not feel up to the all-afternoon zoo excursion ahead of her...or facing David after the intimacy of their night in the same bed together.
She didn't know if he'd remember what he'd said after they had slept together or if he'd been drunk enough that it wouldn't come back to him. Either way, she couldn't let this keep happen and the intimacy they shared last night had opened her eyes to that. Each time they shared a moment like that one it upended her emotionally, brought her back to the same dark place every time.
The sex was one thing but whatever happened between them last night was too much. It had shaken her up and left her raw to the serious consequences of what they had been doing. How could they of acted so foolish? Refusing to end things when they'd legally divorced, continuing to sneak around and see one another, letting their own issues and resentment keep them arguing over every minor decision for their son.
She felt sick at the idea of what it would've done to Henry had he found out what she and David had been doing. What kind of example would it of set for him to see both of his parents cheating on their significant others? To know she and David hadn't let one another go after splitting up their family when they couldn't get along. He'd be furious with them, confused and most likely emotionally scarred forever.
Not to mention the simple fact that they were over. They'd went through legal proceedings, split their assets and went through a custody hearing to prove so. Their relationship should be finished and nothing good was going to come of continuing the cycle. They had made the decision to end their marriage and had both moved onto other relationships. Henry had adjusted to the divorce and there was no going back on it now.
She shook her head and took a breath as she looked at herself in the mirror, knowing what she had to do at the end of this weekend. Until then she'd let herself enjoy it, too emotionally fragile from the combination of this place and her hangover to take a stand right now. She was weak for the memories here, for this family and the way it felt to be back.
Yes, she'd allow herself to enjoy it while it lasted but at the end of this David would be going back to Mary Margaret and she would be going home alone. That was the new normal and something she'd never get used to if she kept revisiting the past. No matter how hard it would be, come Sunday she had to put this chapter of her life behind her for good.
Regina smoothed her sweater dress out with her hands, grabbing a scarf to add to the outfit before making her way out of the guest room and forcing her turmoil to the back of her mind. They were here for Henry and she was going to make sure he had a good weekend and let herself enjoy the last bit of this reality she would have.
"There she is," Ruth smiled warmly at her when she entered the kitchen, looking up from the counter where she mixed fresh juice, "Hair of the dog? I was just making Jamie a mimosa," She smirked and glanced over at David's brother who was face down on the counter.
"Morning," He croaked out when he squinted his eyes open to see Regina come in, making her laugh at how pathetic he was acting.
"You're getting too old to be showing off like you did last night James Nolan," Regina teased and roughed up his hair, coming to sit at the counter on the stool beside of his. "I'm good with coffee thank you though," She smiled at Ruth, grabbing a mug from the tray and the kettle of coffee to pour some for herself.
"I'm sure you need the caffeine, I know you had a late night," Ruth nodded and Regina glanced up quickly, the thought of Robert and Ruth hearing them not crossing her mind until now. "I mean with how late you kids got back," Ruth added and Regina let out a pent up breath of relief.
"Yes, yes it was late when we got back," Regina nodded quickly with a nervous laugh. "Where is everyone?"
"Robert and Henry ran to the bakery to grab breakfast for everyone," Ruth nodded with a smile, "And David's using the downstairs bathroom to shower and get ready for the day."
"And I'm here," James lifted his forearm from the counter and grinned, head laying on his upper arm.
"You're such a baby," Regina laughed and shook her head, taking a sip of her coffee.
"Here," Ruth shook her head with a sigh and handed James his mimosa. "Drink this and go back to sleep for a few hours," She raised an eyebrow.
James grinned and pushed himself up from the counter, half of his hair sticking up from his head as he took the glass from his mother, "You're the best Mom," He said before shuffling out of the kitchen.
"I was so hoping that he would grow up one day," Ruth sighed with a chuckle before looking back to Regina, "You're lucky Henry has a good head on his shoulders. Hopefully you won't have to wake up to him face down on your kitchen counter one day."
Regina laughed and shook her head, "No I won't, most likely because he'll go to his dads," She said with a slight eye roll and a smile.
"David said he's going through a real phase of wanting to be with him," Ruth nodded with a weak smile, "It's just that age honey don't take it personally. And once he realizes that life with his dad won't be much different once he's there full time, he'll come around. Right now he thinks it'll be unlimited fun with no chores and no rules."
"It probably will be," Regina frowned and took a sip of her coffee, seeing Ruth looking at her and waiting for her to explain herself, "Its just Mary Margaret, I feel like she goes out of her way to manipulate Henry into thinking life at David's is so much better than living with me."
"She's still not his mother and she never will be," Ruth replied firmly, "The newness will wear off for him and he'll realize that his dads house is no better than yours."
"I hope so," Regina let out a breath and frowned, "Everyone warns you about divorce and how hard it is to get used to your spouse being gone but nobody tells you how absolutely soul crushing it is to watch your child leave for days at a time when you're used to tucking them in every night."
"I can't imagine, dear," Ruth frowned and ran a hand over hers that rested on the counter, "How did the rest of your visit with your mother go?"
"The same as it typically does," Regina forced a smile from behind her cup of coffee, having strategically picked it back up to distract herself from Ruth's knowing stare.
"Honey, is Henry having a relationship with your mother worth subjecting yourself to her abuse?" The older woman asked gently, "When Henry grows up and knows how Cora really is, I'm sure he wouldn't of wanted you to put yourself through that."
"She is different now, somewhat," Regina frowned and leg out a breath, "It's complicated. I hate that no matter how toxic she is, she's still my mother. And I still care about her."
"Of course you do. It's only human," David's mother said empathetically, squeezing her hand gently, "I'm just proud of you. Look how far you've come and the mother you are despite having the absolutely worst example."
"I don't know what I would've done if it hadn't been for you when we adopted Henry," Regina smiled warmly, emotion bubbling in her throat at just how much she loved and regarded Ruth, "You helped me so much. Remember that first visit after we adopted him? When he was only a few months old?"
"Do I?" Ruth smirked as they both laughed.
"Henry please, please stop crying," Regina was on the verge of tears herself as she rocked her infant in her arms. It had been nearly two months since they'd adopted Henry and to say she had miscalculated the challenge of motherhood was a sore understatement.
Since she'd found out about her infertility issues she had fantasized about the day she would hold her own child in her arms. She'd dreamt about the experiences she would have and the love she would feel. It wasn't that she didn't immediately feel love for her son, from the first moment she'd held him he captured her heart. But the bonding process was a whole other experience entirely. She hadn't carried him inside of her for nine months, he hadn't laid on her chest after he was born. He hadn't come to be her own until weeks after he was born.
His doctor and the adoption agency had given her plenty of information. She and David had even taken parenting classes and been to multiple adoption seminars to be prepared. On paper she knew all of the steps, had memorized all of the techniques to form a bond with her adopted child. Not to mention she'd schooled herself on the basics of having an infant from the moment they'd started in-vitro before they tried for adoption. There wasn't a part of motherhood she hadn't read about, but applying it was a whole new world.
There weren't many things she'd done in her life that she hadn't immediately excelled at, or at least could quickly pick up on with some practice. It was a side effect of being raised by Cora, putting pressure on herself to be above average at everything she did. Having a child became the most important thing in her life in recent years and she'd spent countless time preparing for it. Still, bonding with Henry had turned out to be something she wasn't natural at. That realization and the pressure of new motherhood sank like a rock in the pit of her stomach and kept her on edge.
No matter what she did, he always seemed to be crying for her. She'd convinced David earlier to go to the tavern with his brother, that she'd be fine without him there. Her husband seemed to be the only person their child would calm for and he'd been hesitant to go. David often had to rock him to sleep at night or soothe him when he cried, making her feel even more worthless as a mother. Henry and David had bonded almost instantly, something about him calming the baby anytime he was upset.
Tonight she had spent the majority of two hours trying to figure out why Henry couldn't seem to go to sleep. She'd fed him a bottle, rocked him, checked his diaper countless times and patted his back to help work out any air. Nothing seemed to work and he only cried louder, his little face turning red in upset and anger. Tears welled in her own eyes, as she spent the night pacing the downstairs hall and jostling him gently up and down. She'd brought him down earlier to keep from waking Ruth and Robert, desperately not wanting them to know she was struggling with their grandson.
Henry's cries seemed to endlessly get louder until he was screaming near her ear where he was laying against her shoulder. Her whole body was rigid and tense, her stress and anxiety beginning to bubble over as tears ran down her face. What was wrong with her that she couldn't seem to mother to her own child? David had managed to be a great father and he'd done half of the preparation she had, which only proved further that the problem lied with Regina.
"I'm sorry, Henry," Regina was crying openly now, still holding and attempting to rock him as she paced the floor.
Much to her chagrin the front door opened as she paced the foyer, David coming through and shutting the door, catching her in her state of panic. "Hey, you should've called. I left early because you weren't answering your texts. I thought he may be giving you trouble," He smiled weakly and took off his jacket quickly to hang it up before coming over to reach for him, "Here, let me-"
"No, I have him," She said stubbornly, looking up at David through tears, "I can do this. You shouldn't have to come home early from spending time with your brother just because I can't handle our child."
"Regina, it's really not a big deal," He said gently over Henry's cries, looking at her calmly with no hint of frustration, "You're tired and he's tired, let me take him for a little bit," He said as he reached up for the baby again. Her chin wobbled with emotion as she looked down at her son's red face, her stomach sinking with a sense of failure as she nodded once and gently handed him over to David.
"Is everything okay down here. You two need a hand?" Ruth smiled warmly, coming down the staircase after clearly being woken up by the noise. She reached the bottom and looked between Regina and David questioningly.
Regina instantly felt stupid, quickly wiping her face with the back of her hand as David settled Henry in his arms. Her frustration and embarrassment only amplified when her son began to settle within just a few seconds in his father's embrace. His red face lost some of it's color and he began to calm down, his cries losing volume and turning into slight whimpers. David cuddled Henry into his chest, rubbing his back with his hand and murmuring to Henry until he was silent, eyes drooping and on the verge of sleep.
Regina's eyes widened and she shook her head in disbelief, a soft sob escaping her lips before she turned to leave the room. She heard David call out her name gently but she kept walking until she'd reached the den. She dropped down on the sofa and buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking as she let out a louder sob this time. All weekend she had tried to hold it together and keep up the facade that her new motherhood was a breeze in front of David's parents. She admired Ruth so much that she didn't want to seem like a failure in front of her, yet the woman had just witnessed the upsetting reality of David being the only capable parent in the equation.
She cried into her hands, bent over towards her own lap and letting out the pent up emotion out. It wasn't until she felt a gentle hand on her back that she attempted to reign it in. "Come here, my girl," Cora's voice was gentle and it made Regina cry even more as the older woman pulled her against her side and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, rubbing her arm soothingly, "Talk to me, Regina."
Regina had managed to quit crying, swallowing the knot in her throat and lifting her head, "What's wrong with me, Ruth?" Her lip trembled slightly as she managed the courage to look up at David's mother, "Nothing I do works. And David..." She expended a breath with a weak smile, "All he has to do is pick Henry up and he's happy. It has to be me-"
"Hey," Ruth frowned gently and shook her head, "Sometimes it takes time. You can't be so hard on yourself."
"I've given it time. I've tried everything," Regina shook her head, sniffling a little, "I read everything about adoption and every book on babies I could get my hands on. I do everything just like it says to, I don't know what else I can do. He doesn't seem to like me holding him. When he wants comfort or to go to sleep he seeks out David. Maybe I'm just too much like my mother and Henry senses it," She swallowed thickly.
"Regina," Ruth said more firmly, "You're nothing like Cora. I don't ever want to hear you doubt yourself like that again."
"But what is it? David's had no problem bonding with him," She looked up at the only person other than David she allowed herself to be vulnerable in front of. If Ruth couldn't talk her through this then she doubted anyone could. "Maybe I just don't have it in me to be a natural mother. Or maybe it's because I didn't carry him, maybe he can only be bonded with his biological mother that way-"
"Sweetheart," The older woman shook her head quickly, "Biology has nothing to do with love and I know you love that little boy. I know how much you wanted him and I know you're a natural mother. You're nothing like your own and you're going to be great at this. What you need to do is relax, Regina. Henry can feel every emotion you have, he knows when you're stressed, he can tell when you're upset. That's only going to make him react worse."
"It can't be that simple can it?" She swallowed hard, hoping that Ruth was right - that she was going to get some kind of answer or advice that would help her feel a little less crazy and inadequate.
"I know you. You want everything to be perfect, you want to do everything the right way," Ruth smiled gently to let her know it wasn't a critique, "But maybe you're putting so much emphasis on being perfect, you're so tense and stressed that you can't relax and focus on bonding with Henry. Like I said, he's going to feel everything you're feeling. And if you're upset or constantly anxious around him, he's going to feel that."
"I feel like a failure," Regina smiled weakly, fresh tears welling in her eyes as she bit down on her bottom lip hard. What Ruth was saying made sense but she wasn't sure that was all there was to it. She knew she had been high strung since they got Henry, trying to make everything as idyllic as it had been in her mind. Maybe she had focused more on being a perfect mother than simply being with Henry?"
"I'll be right back," Ruth looked at her and patted her knee before getting up and leaving the den. Regina took a deep breath and ran her fingers under her eyes, sure she looked a mess. She did feel a little better after letting the emotion out and speaking to her mother-in-law about it. She wondered if David and Henry were already both asleep and if David would be aggravated with her for being emotional earlier. He wouldn't, deep down she knew that, but the anxiety was still there. He'd been nothing but supportive and she'd been nothing but a mess these past two months.
"Now," Ruth's voice brought her out of her thoughts as the woman came back in carrying Henry, swaddled in his blanket. "This little guy has settled down and needs his mother."
Regina took a deep breath, looking at Ruth and nodding once. The older woman gave an encouraging smile and sat down beside of her on the sofa, gently passing over Henry, "Just breathe, honey. You're doing a fine job. Stop being so hard on yourself."
"Hey baby," Regina smiled weakly, leaning back more in the couch so she could relax her posture. Henry looked up at her with wide eyes and she found herself tensing, waiting for him to begin to fuss or whimper until she caught herself and forced herself to relax again.
"You should've seen me when David and James were infants," Ruth said with a smile, distracting Regina from her own over-analyzing with conversation, "If you think one is tough imagine two," She teased.
"I'd lose my mind," Regina laughed softly, glancing at Ruth, "Were they difficult babies?"
"Oh, James was. He was always crying and fussing, and when he was old enough he was crawling and into everything," Ruth grinned, "David was always more quiet and intuitive. All he wanted was to be fed and he was happy."
"They haven't changed much, have they?" She smiled at the thought of how opposite the two brothers were. Her hand absentmindedly stroked Henry's balled up fist, glancing down at him and noticing his eyes blinking much more slowly and sleepily.
"No they haven't," Ruth grinned and shook her head, "And back then Robert was working as much as he could to support us. He wasn't home very much. It was just me and these two little boys. So trust me, I've been there and I know how helpless it can make you feel. I wish you'd spoken to me about this sooner. You know you can always come to me."
"I know," Regina smiled weakly, "I just didn't want to admit I was struggling to anyone, especially you."
"Me? Whatever for? You know I'd never judge you," She smiled warmly and ran a hand over Regina's hair in such a maternal way it made emotion well in Regina's throat.
"Because I really look up to you, Ruth. You've been more of a mother to me in the years I've known you than my own mother has my whole life," She admitted quietly, "I don't want you to think less of me."
"I never would," The older woman shook her head, "See, you're not as bad at this as you think," She nodded towards Henry who had fully succumbed to sleep in her arms, his arm stretched above his head in a relaxed manner.
"You don't think so?" Regina glanced at the woman hopefully.
"No, of course not. When you find yourself getting upset or you're tired and can't get him to calm down, just put him in his crib and walk away for five or ten minutes. Even if he's crying."
"Leave him crying?" She raised an eyebrow at Ruth, not imagining being able to do so.
"Absolutely. I know it goes against every instinct you have, but sometimes you need to do it for your sanity. Walk away and gather your composure. Calm yourself down before you go back to them, otherwise you'll be just as upset as the baby and you won't be able to help them," Ruth nodded, "Not to mention they have to learn how to self soothe. It'll feel like your hearts breaking in two to hear them cry and not go to them, but they're okay. You know they're fed, clean and safe. There's nothing wrong with you taking a step back to take care of yourself and don't ever feel guilty for it."
Regina processed the information and shook her head, "Why did no one write about this in all of those books I read?" Her eyes widened in disbelief as she glanced at Ruth.
"Because half of them have a doctorate and no kids of their own but think they know enough to write about raising kids. And as you've gathered, you have no idea until you're in it," Ruth smiled playfully, "You'll figure it out, Regina. I have no doubt in my mind."