Chapter 9

Hello everyone,

Warning: This chapter is very intense … If you have triggers I warn you now parts of this chapter may bother some readers. Please exercise caution when reading the contents.

As always, thank you to our amazing prereaders Maplestyle, SassyNoles, and 2brown-eyes, they give us great suggestions and comments. Also thank you to Alice'sWhiteRabbit because she helps us make this readable.

Thanks so much for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following this story, and we look forward to entertaining you.

Songs: "Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin' Park, "Angel" by Theory of a Deadman

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EPOV

I sat at my desk, reflecting over the last week. So much shit had gone down, my mind just kept racing from one scenario to the next, leaving me no type of peace. My brain was so fucked. Currently, I couldn't remember what day of the fucking week it was, so don't ask me 'cause I'd lost track when this shit went down.

Since I couldn't exactly pinpoint where everything had gone to complete shit, I tried to start from the beginning, but I just came back to that night at the club. Single-handedly, it'd become a pivotal moment in my life, and when I was making thousands of mistakes in those minutes, I'd been utterly incapable of altering my direction. In retrospect, if I could change things—would I?

Probably fucking not, that's how twisted my mind was, and I had no hope of straightening my thoughts. Somehow, even now I could still taste her pussy on my lips and then I remembered her hand slapping across my cheek the very next day. Bella had come into my office spouting shit about being used, yet she hardly knew the full story, and I wasn't about to correct her error either. Especially when my life was currently fucked past the point of redemption.

I stared blankly at my fingers, remembering every life I'd taken with this pointer finger and the pressure it took to squeeze the trigger. No effort—it'd taken no effort to pull that trigger. A person looking in would say surely there was some conscious thought that ate at me when I took a life, but they would be wrong. I felt completely justified in every decision I'd made throughout my life, and there was no remorse for a single one. Yet—yet …

The night I'd delivered Bella to her bed, I'd sat on the edge of the mattress for nearly two hours, watching her sleep. As I sat there, memories long suppressed began to clamor to the surface, pushing my brain that'd been in denial. Flashes and pictures of the past were screaming back at me with deafening intensity, and it'd curdled my stomach with the images.

"No … No … Let me go!" Connor Murphy pulled my mother across the carpet by the hair attached to her crown. She'd gone kicking and screaming across the dingy carpet that'd probably been laid in the early '80s; the scent was ripe with musk and dust. When a guy I didn't know gripped my arm, her terrified eyes widened with horror. "Please, leave him alone … he's just a boy! I'll do whatever you want! Leave my son alone!"

I grunted as I fought the hold of the mammoth's fingers circling my tiny bicep, and I gave him the most vigorous kick I could manage. "Let my mom go … Stupid … Let her go; she didn't do anything!"

I looked over with tears squeezing from the corners of my eyes. Hatred glinted in sharp daggers as I witnessed the cowardice in my father. He just merely rested on his knees before a red-haired beast of a boy. There was no way I could fight that boy; he was so much bigger and meaner than I'd ever hoped to be. Sobbing, I returned my gaze to my mom. She looked so scared, and I couldn't help her.

"Let my mom go, please!" I was only a seven-year-old boy caught in a world of grown-up situations I couldn't begin to fathom. I'd heard my dad on the phone begging for more time, something about money, and he'd do his best … blah, blah. None of his ramblings made any type of sense.

Yeah, I knew what money was—I wasn't a dummy—but I had no idea it could be so crucial to hurt my mom. Her eyes were wide and pleading. Her usually pale cheeks were beet red as she fought against the man holding her by her hair.

Effortlessly, he pulled her up until she sat back on her knees. Connor turned to watch my father's emotionless face. "See what your gambling has brought you to? Watching your wife, the love of your life, bleed across the carpet. Fuckin' worthless piece of shit … can't control his spendin' so now he has t' go and spend my money on fruitless endeavors."

Tears streamed down my mom's cheeks, her terrified eyes coming to rest on me. "I love you, Edward … You know that, right? I have always loved you … so much."

Her words were broken sobs, and I could hardly comprehend what she said. The only part that really registered was, "I love you."

"I-I-I love you too, Mom," I cried in earnest.

Connor's eyes met mine, and with an apology on his lips, he pulled the trigger. I couldn't breathe … a tight fist closed around my throat, and I screamed until there was no more sound. Broken, I crumbled, only held up by the beast holding my upper arm. My chest went numb as I watched her form fall lifeless across the floor, and the crimson currents of her blood flowed from the hole created by the gun.

Something inside me died that day as I watched the best person in my life grow utterly still; even now, I could feel the desperate pull in my gut to care. Yet if I cared, I'd have to acknowledge all the shit I'd done from that day to this one. Biting my lip, I stared at the adjacent wall as the memory held me in its relentless grip.

My door cracked open, and Emmett pushed into my office. Typically, Em was a man of respect, always knocking before entering, but today, he looked as if he had something on his mind. Clearing my throat to conceal the cracks that'd penetrated my soul, my brows raised with expectation. "Something on your mind, Em?"

"Damn right, there's something on my mind," Emmett agreed. His already black irises seemed to darken even more if that were at all possible. "What kind of fucking games are you playing with Bella? She came out of here so upset and crying, spouting shit like being used …"

"Have you forgotten who the fuck you're talking to?" I asked him in a deadly calm voice. I was in no mood to deal with shit from anyone, particularly Emmett, of all people. After all, if I trusted anyone in this world, he'd be the one.

"No, you're the biggest prick I've ever known in my life. Just because you shake that gun around, don't think I'm scared of you because I'm not."

"Since when did I say it was okay for you to get into my affairs?" I asked, every muscle in my body going tense. "Actually, I distinctly remember telling you to stay the fuck away from Bella, to begin with … Don't think for one second I didn't notice you leaving the other night to take her home."

Emmett shook his head as he glared back at me. "Dude, I don't give a shit what you noticed. I'm not about to stand by and watch you treat that woman like you do everyone else. If you don't care about her … stay the fuck away from her."

"You know, in the last month, you've grown a set of balls that would make an elephant envious, and if you keep talking to me like that, I'll make you eat them." Grabbing the bottle of whiskey sitting on the corner of my desk, I poured half a glass and took a healthy swig before setting it aside as my gaze dropped into a glare. "As for what transpires between Bella and me, it is none of your concern, and if you value your teeth, you shouldn't speak of things you don't understand."

"So, I'm supposed to just stand aside and watch you treat her like shit?" Emmett's fingers played across his chin as he studied me with steel in his gaze. "Apparently, since we've known each other, you understand very little about me? I would never treat a girl as callously as you've been doing. You keep stringing her along and dropping her as if she were nothing. What kind of heartless piece of shit are you?"

I gave a humorless chuckle, my gaze dancing around the office. "I swear to Christ if you were anyone else, Emmett, you'd be eating your words."

I lifted the glass to my lips and took another drink, relishing the burn of liquor sliding down my throat, my jaw working as I clenched and unclenched my teeth. Tapping my finger on the glass, I watched the amber fluid swish inside, and with a heavy sigh, I said, "You would be correct; however, I am heartless … and everyone around me would do well to remember that concept. If I ever see you hanging around Bella … I'll bust your fucking kneecaps."

"You better bring one big fucking bat," Emmett growled back. "You care about her. I know you fucking do. You've never gotten this worked up over a chick before. What I don't understand is why you keep treating her like shit."

"Why I do what I do is not your concern," I fumed, tinkering with the glass before me. Whenever I looked at Bella, there was so much—so much circulating inside me, I couldn't adequately place the wealth of emotions gripping my soul. So, in essence, I did the best thing for both of us and shoved them deep into the black pit where my heart should've been. "As for Bella, she is playing in a world she doesn't understand … She'd do well with a few good life lessons, and who am I to treat her differently because of her innocence?"

"Because she is different, you're a self-righteous asshole, and one day, you will regret everything you are saying now." Emmett scratched his head, pacing before my desk, muttering, "I just wanna come over there and rip you out of your fucking seat. Should just blast you in the fucking mouth … Piece of fucking shit …"

"You know what's funny about people?" Another humorless laugh erupted from my chest as I considered my next statement. "They're always talking about what they want to do, but … but they just fucking stand there lost and distracted and never actually do anything. You keep spouting shit, Em, but you're just like everyone else … bottom line is you do nothing."

Emmett went still before my desk, and his massive form turned in my direction. If I were capable of fear, this would probably be the moment in my life when it would've reared its ugly head, yet I met his dark, lethal gaze head-on. Suddenly, Emmett reached across the desk and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. With a firm yank, he pulled me from my seat until we were face to face. Before I even knew what was happening, a balled fist connected with my mouth. The coppery taste of blood coated my teeth, yet I felt zero pain.

All I saw was fucking red. My lips curled as I stared at the only person in my life that meant a damn thing to me, and I said, "If you don't get the fuck out of my office …"

His grip didn't loosen as he held me face to face with him. I could feel his angry breath coasting across my face. Finally, with a firm shove, he pushed me away from him as he released my shirt. "What? Are you going to shoot me?"

Even as the words left his lips, I pulled my gun and leveled it at his head. shrugging, the material of my shirt eased around my throat. "Back the fuck off, or I will pull the damn trigger."

"Do it …" Emmett's challenge met me head-on, and I couldn't help the hesitation I felt at that moment. Emmett was one of my closest friends—or as close to any as I'd ever had. He must've recognized my indecision because his jaw clenched, and furiously, he whispered again as he pressed his forehead against the barrel, "Do it … you sorry piece of shit."

I licked the blood from my lip as I stared him in the eye, and something within me wanted to pull the fucking trigger. Something dark and dangerous, yet, even so, this tiny sliver of humanity wormed its way into my chest, and inch by inch, I lowered my hand. Finally, my hand came to rest on my desk, and I shook my head in opposition to his statement. "I … I … Don't fucking talk to me about shit you don't understand, Em."

"I might not understand why you're such an asshole, but I do understand that you took advantage of that girl. She was a fucking virgin, man. How could you sink that fucking low?"

Dropping my gun to my desk, I sat heavily in my chair. Grabbing the key I'd made a copy of, I played with it between my fingers. When I'd dropped Bella off at home that night, I'd casually wandered around her house, opening and closing cabinets. Finding most of them empty, a worry went through me as I realized how skinny she actually was. I could almost see her ribs. Had she not been eating enough?

Holding the key up in front of Em's snarling nose, I said, "Do you know what this is?"

"It a fucking key, fuckwad. Who gives a shit?" he huffed, anger radiating off his form in thick waves.

"Yeah, it's a key, asswipe." I chuckled, tossing it across the desk to Emmett. "It's to Bella's house. I made a copy after that night at the club. Take it, and take this too"—Digging deep into my pocket, I tossed my credit card to land next to the key— "She needs groceries, blankets, toiletries, whatever the fuck you want to buy. Take Alice shopping with you, and get whatever you two can think to buy, or anything a woman living alone might need."

"What the fuck?" Confusion wrinkled Emmett's face. "What's this all about, Edward?"

"Do you have any idea what happens to a woman in this dark, cold world we have going on here, Em? If they're lucky, a bullet is planted in their head before worse things can happen. Like being raped or sold or fucking trafficked." Laughing with no humor, I ripped my gaze away from his hard stare. "I tried to keep things from going any further with Bella, but for some fucked up reason, I just couldn't stop. So, I'm human after all, despite what you and the whole fucking world thinks. Don't think it doesn't pain me to say, by the way. But what would you have me do, huh? Put her in jeopardy? Risk her fucking life? Any minute, someone looking for retaliation could bust in the fucking door and find that one weakness … the one thing that makes you human, and in the blink of an eye … Gone." I hit my desk with a hard hand, loving the slapping sound ricocheting from the walls as my eyes dropped into a glare. "What kind of man do you think I am, Em? Huh? How many women have you known me to take advantage of? Huh? Answer me that."

He staggered back slightly, shaking his head as shame claimed his features. "None … never thought you were that type of man."

"Right because I don't set out to fuck with relationships. I distance myself for a goddamn reason. I don't allow myself to have any weaknesses because no innocent woman should lose her life because of my decisions. If I were a weaker person, maybe I wouldn't care who I put in danger, but sometimes … sometimes, I do give a shit."

For the first time in my life, I saw understanding light in Emmett's eyes as he regarded me. "So, you weren't intentionally leading her on? She said you left her after saying you'd stay … said she woke up and you were gone."

"Correct … you would be correct. I did leave." Clapping my jaw closed, I looked around my office before coming back to Emmett. The words burned my throat as I continued. "I left … after I stayed … Since making that key, I go there sometimes and watch her sleep. I took note of everything she's going without while I was there. Counted the fucking eggs in her fridge, got pissed when I discovered her bare cabinets, and snuck this key off her ring and made a fucking copy. Do you … do you …"

My voice broke as I contemplated sharing one of the most traumatic events of my life. When Emmett prompted me to continue with a roll of his fingers, I chewed the inside of my cheek until I tasted the coppery essence of blood. "Do you have any idea … fathom how hard it is to watch the only person you love bleed all over a carpet?"

Emmett's question was a simple one and barely reached a whisper. "Who?"

My composure was rocked as my brain whispered the one word I'd blocked from my vocabulary. Swallowing hard, I traced the lines of my gun, and my stomach curdled instantly. Finally, I looked up and met his wary stare, my throat feeling raw and scratchy as I allowed myself to speak it. "My mom."

With a heavy sigh, I recounted the events before adding, "She was the most beautiful person I'd ever known. Taken from this world by one man's fucking love for gambling and not given a choice in the matter. A wonderful life snuffed out with a single bullet straight to the fucking forehead. Now—now do you get my meaning? Why things can't go any further than they already have? Can you bring yourself down to my level and realize every decision I've made from that moment my mother was executed to this one jeopardizes that woman … Bella."

"Fuck," he breathed, his complexion dropping several shades in color. "I-I had no fucking idea, man."

"Yeah, well, now you do." Feeling vulnerable for the first time in so very long, I pushed up from the chair. "Can you have Finn bring my car around? Think I'm going to call it a day."

Em barely had a chance to do my bidding before I hurried from my office. Almost before I came to the door, however, I saw my car pull around. Without a backward glance, I shoved through the opening and slipped into the back seat. "Lakeview Cemetery, Finn."

"You got it, boss. Would you like to stop somewhere along the way?" he asked over his shoulder.

"The flower shop on the corner before you get to the cemetery." I barely saw the city as Finn pulled into traffic and navigated the streets. It was only four in the afternoon when I purchased the largest bouquet of roses the place had, and I climbed from the back seat of the Lincoln Town Car.

For the first time since I'd been a small child and Connor Murphy brought me here, I slowly climbed the hillside to where my mother's grave rested beneath the most beautiful weeping willow I'd ever seen. My vision blurred as I read the tombstone at the head of her grave.

"Loving Wife, Treasured Mother, and Beautiful Angel."

"You were the most beautiful person, Mom," I told the gray clouds overhead as I came to stand before the plate with her name—Esme Cullen. Ever so slowly, I dropped to my knees on the grass, for once not giving a shit about my attire. The unfamiliar moisture leaked from the corners of my eyes as I laid the flowers across her tomb. "Fuck … wonder what would've been if you'd lived … might've had a family … shit sounds stupid just saying it. How fucking dumb, huh? Me with children running around … probably shoot my-fucking-self."

As emotion rocked my core, my head dropped several inches on my shoulders, and with a valiant effort, I fought and lost the battle of tears. For the first time since watching her bleed out, I cried heavy tears until my form shook uncontrollably.

The wall I'd erected to protect me came crashing down all around me. Ashes laid in the grass at my sides, and the thought of my mother's spirit winding me in her welcoming arms shattered the shield.

I'm not sure how long I was there. Could've been ten minutes, or three fucking hours—but on my knees, I stayed. The ache in my chest was growing and growing until it just burst. Sniffling, I tried to stop the flow of tears, yet I lost the battle like so much of my life.

In that moment, I became the weak man I despised to the very core of my being. I felt the heat climb in my cheeks as I held my breath and tried to smash the pain, hoping to smother it with lack of breath. However, it didn't work as I reread her name repeatedly until I couldn't see past the tears.

I didn't even hear the footsteps coming up behind me—I was so lost in the pain of what my life had become. I had become like the same monster who'd taken my beautiful mother, and without a single ounce of regret, I'd capped numerous people … I wept for them, I cried for my mother, and mostly, I wept for myself.

I would've stayed there forever, yet a heavy hand fell on top of my shoulder, and I froze. Gradually, I ripped my eyes from the tombstone and looked up, startled by my unexpected visitor, to lock eyes with the only person I considered a friend. Em.

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