A/N: Hello, fans of Infinity Train! I'm Julia, and this is my first fic for the series!...a fanmade season. Yes, I know. It's going to be full of OCs, though references to the various seasons will be dropped here and there. Anyway, this is my fic, and a brief Content Warning: This fic is very heavy on themes such as ableism, child abuse (Mainly in the form of restraining someone against their will), and picking apart the stereotypes that various God awful companies like Autism Speaks perpetuate about autistic people through their propaganda. But don't worry, this'll be a story about healing and finding oneself, as is the raison d'etre of the show and the titular train itself. Anyway, this is my fic, and I hope you like it! If not, that's okay, too.
Chapter 1: Before The Train
Nine-year-old Mary Summers stole a hesitant, sidelong glance at the clock over the door. 2:55 PM. Just five more minutes before the end of the school day. Normally, she looked forward to the end of school. It meant that she could go home, hang out with her dad and older sister, play with her dolls, read her books, and return to the safety of her home. Sure, she hated having to do homework, but she had long since accepted that that was just part of school. It helped that the homework she had for today only consisted of a few easy worksheets she could finish in half an hour. Unfortunately, today was not a day where the bell would ring and she could just run out of school.
Finally, the bell rang, and children screamed with delight as they stampeded out of the classroom like a pack of rhinos. But Mary couldn't join them. She remained at her desk, holding her backpack tightly against her chest, watching as the teacher, Mr. Bryant, used an eraser to wipe off the whiteboard. He was a large, stout man with pronounced muscles, a thick beard, and always wore sweaters and jeans. Mr. Bryant looked like one of those men who hunted bears and deer in the mountains, and to anyone who didn't know better, they would perceive him as scary or rugged. But Mary liked Mr. Bryant.
"Alright, Mary," Mr. Bryant continued to push the eraser up and down to wipe off the marker ink. "We'll wait until your mother gets here so she and I can talk. You can read the books on the shelf if you want," He suggested.
The shelf was bright red, nestled in the back of the room, full of children's books Mr. Bryant brought in to use for his lessons. Just as Mary was about to leave her desk and pick one out, two children came walking into the room, a boy and a girl.
"Hey, Mary!" The blonde haired girl exclaimed, throwing her hand up in the air. "We didn't see you come out. What's up?"
"You stayin' after school or somethin'?" The boy, who had tanned skin and a light buzz cut, asked as he walked out from behind his friend.
"Yeah. Mom's coming in to talk to Mr. Bryant today," Mary was quick to run up to them, giving a big sigh and making no attempt to hide her displeasure. "But I really don't want to stay, though. Mom's just gonna complain and whine like she always does."
"Hi, Caitlin! Hi, Leo!" Mr. Bryant greeted the kids with his usual bright smile. "You staying after?"
Caitlin flashed a mischievous grin. "We are now! Here's an idea, Mary!" Caitlin answered. "Leo and I can stay here and hang out with you during the meeting! Is that okay?"
Stay here with her? Mary's blue eyes glistened with delight at the suggestion. "Oh, that'd be so great!" She chirruped, her previous displeasure washing away faster than a wave of water rolling over sand. "Thanks, Cait and Leo! But won't your parents get mad?"
"Nuh-uh," Leo assuaged Mary's worries with a dismissive wave of his hand. "My dad's coming in to meet with Mr. Bryant right after you," He added.
"And I can just text Mom and tell her I'm staying after, so it's okay!" Caitlin reassured before turning to Mr. Bryant. "Can we stay with Mary for the meeting?"
"Sure. I don't see why not. Just be sure to use your inside voices and clean up after you're done playing," Mr. Bryant replied.
Permission secured, the trio of kids clustered around one of the tables, happy to be in one another's company. Mary couldn't believe her luck. Her two best friends actually offered to stay after school with her! While her worries about the meeting weren't completely alleviated, having her best friends here definitely made things much better. It wasn't long before an older woman walked into the room, with wavy black hair tied in a side ponytail and brown eyes narrowed in an anxious expression.
"Hello, Mrs. Summers!" Mr. Bryant greeted her straight away, shaking her hand. "It's so nice of you to come meet with me today."
Rather than respond to his greeting, Mary's mother immediately took notice of Caitlin and Leo. "Mary? What are your friends doing here? Shouldn't they be heading home?" Even in the stillness of the mostly empty classroom, her loud voice seemed to boom in Mary's ears, even though she was only seven feet away from her daughter. Mary frowned and shrunk into her seat.
"My dad's coming in right after you, Mrs. Summers," Leo piped up. "And we thought we'd hang out with her so she wouldn't be bored during the meeting. We hope that's okay."
Mrs. Summers took in a sharp breath as she narrowed her eyes at Mary's two friends, like she expected them to leave. Mary knew that look all too well. It already scared her to look at peoples' eyes and faces, but she could just feel the simmering anger her mother emanated just from her gaze alone.
"Dana, it's alright. They can stay if they like," Mr. Bryant told her. "Now, there are some things I'd like to show you in regards to Mary's progress in school."
Luckily, Mr. Bryant directed her to the front of the classroom, leaving the kids to their own devices. "Hey, Mary. Want to see the new drawings my big brother made?" Caitlin unzipped her backpack and pulled out a manila folder before opening it. Inside were several impeccably detailed, colored pencil drawings depicting animals in the wilderness. One showed a deer grazing in a forest thicket. Another showed a cluster of rabbits in a field of flowers.
"Ooooh! They're so pretty!" Mary exclaimed, in awe of just how amazing these drawings were. She wished her own art skills could be half as good as this.
The kids talked amongst themselves, as did Dana and Mr. Bryant, who were discussing other matters. Since the classroom was mostly empty, Mary could hear bits and pieces of their conversation. Her small ears caught phrases such as "Bright and imaginative," "Ability to get along with her peer group," "Sessions with Ms. Wagner," and so on. Ms. Wagner was the school counselor, and sometimes Mary was allowed to go see her when she was sad or overwhelmed.
When Mary saw one particular drawing Caitlin's brother made—depicting a majestic, white, winged unicorn flying across a rainbow—her hands flapped up and down on their own just from how immaculate it looked. The unicorn's wings were outstretched, like it would actually fly off of the page. Mary found herself picturing herself riding that unicorn, flying to magical lands like in the TV shows and books she liked. As she found herself slipping into her blissful reverie, her hands simulated the flight of the unicorn's wings, and the noise from the conversations around her began to fade away.
"Mary!"
Until it came back in full force in the form of her mother's yelling. The high pitched screech rattled Mary's eardrums, and she attempted to protect her ears by putting her hands on them, but Dana marched over to her and pried one hand off of her left ear. The force of the pull was strong, and Mary could feel her mother's fingernails digging into her skin.
"Ow! Mom!" Mary protested weakly, using her free hand to push on her mother's to no avail.
"What are you doing?! You're supposed to use quiet hands!" Dana exclaimed.
"Dana, you don't have to—" Mr. Bryant was quick to arrive on scene, but Dana cut him off before he could speak further.
"I can't believe you're letting her do this!" Dana shouted in his direction.
Mary flinched, shrinking into her seat from the yelling. Her mother's grip on her arm was like iron, and no matter how much Mary struggled, she couldn't free herself. Caitlin and Leo exchanged confused, awkward expressions, unsure of what to do. What could they do in this situation?
"Ma'am, Mary isn't doing anything wrong," Mr. Bryant told her. "She's just having fun and de-stressing from the school day."
Dana's grip on Mary didn't loosen one bit, even as she got right into the teacher's face. "I don't know what my husband told you, but you shouldn't be encouraging this behavior!" She wasted no time making her opinion known. "She needs to learn that she can't flap her hands or spin around or act in ways that'll draw attention to herself! It's your job to stamp this out! I told you this the first day we met!"
"Mom! It hurts!" Mary cried, trying to pry her mother's fingers off of her. Caitlin attempted to help, but Dana pulled Mary away from her.
Mr. Bryant's eyebrows furrowed, and his tone adopted a more austere, harder edge, leaving no room for funny business. "Dana. I've interacted with many autistic children throughout my twenty years of teaching, and I can tell you right now that actively trying to suppress Mary's stimming isn't the way to go about helping her succeed in school," Mr. Bryant explained calmly, but the trio of kids could hear the seriousness in his voice clear as day. "In fact, recent studies have shown that autistic people engaging in stimming activities, like hand flapping or rocking or fiddling with a stress ball, actually helps improve their concentration and their quality of life. It helps them feel comfortable in their skin, or serves as a coping mechanism for stress."
That was the biggest reason Mary liked Mr. Bryant. He understood her. Whenever Mary was happy and flapped her hands like a bird to show it, he never got mad at her for it. When Mary was sad and wanted to see Ms. Wagner, he let her go see her while helping her catch up on anything she missed. Mary knew she wasn't being disruptive when she did these things. Usually being disruptive meant a kid was talking or screaming in the middle of class, and you were only allowed to talk in class if you raised your hand to answer a teacher's question. That or making a lot of noise, like hitting a metal desk really hard, either with your hands or another object. Mary didn't do any of those things, and didn't want to. As long as she didn't make any noise, what was the harm in flapping her hands or rocking? What was the big deal?
To Dana, it was a big deal. Dana's face contorted into an angry snarl. "You may think so, but what's going to happen if Mary becomes an adult? Has to find a job? Find a husband? Start a family? People will never give her the time of day if people like you keep enabling this unacceptable behavior!" She snapped, inundating Mr. Bryant with questions a mile a minute. "I can't afford to clean up your mess when you let her act out like this!"
Mr. Bryant crossed his arms. "Ma'am. I've dealt with plenty of kids who acted out, and last I checked, flapping hands, rocking back and forth, and autistic stimming aren't acting out. Can't you see your daughter is under duress?" He said, pointing to Mary continuing to pry herself from her mother's iron grip.
"Come on! Mary's not even doing anything!" Caitlin exclaimed. "Just let her go already!"
Mary had wanted to say this herself, but her mother's fingernails hurt so much, the pain made her throat shut down. Besides, Mary knew all too well that any attempt at trying to communicate this to her mother would just fall on deaf ears. She never listened before, so why would she listen now?
"I don't know why I bothered coming in to see you! Come on, Mary! We're leaving!" Dana sneered, yanking on Mary's arm as she dragged her away.
Mr. Bryant, Caitlin, and Leo were all alone in the classroom. "Mr. Bryant! Isn't there something you can do? She's always mean to Mary for no reason!" Caitlin's pleas broke the silence.
"Yeah. She always acts like Mary is some kind of troublemaker when she isn't," Leo added, his eyebrows knitted with concern. "We can't just sit around and do nothing."
Mr. Bryant sat down on one of the chairs, meeting the kids at eye level. "I already talked to the principal about how Dana's methods have been negatively affecting Mary. Unfortunately, unless something really bad happens, or Mary explicitly confirms it herself, there isn't anything I can really do on my end except be a safe person Mary can rely on when she's in school and try to communicate with her father the best I can."
Shaky breaths left everyone's lips. This wasn't the answer Caitlin and Leo wanted, but even they—ten year old kids—knew that there was no easy way to solve this problem. Mr. Bryant wished he had something better for them, and for Mary as well.
Things weren't much better as Dana put Mary in the car and took her home. Dana continued to complain and prattle on about Mary flapping her hands during the meeting. Mary covered her ears and tried to shrink into herself, wishing she could just teleport away. But she was trapped, and unable to escape her mother's wrath.
"Seriously, Mary! I really thought you were over the whole hand flapping and rocking by now!" Dana growled, making a sharp turn at a bend. "I didn't put you through three years of ABA just so you could go back to acting like a ninny!"
Mary bristled at the three letters put together. The last thing she wanted to think about was that. She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back tears. They are words she has heard before on a constant basis. But somehow, every venomous word seemed to cut into her skin like knives, and every cut hurt worse than the last.
"Get it into your head already. Nobody's going to love you if you keep acting so strange! Honestly, would it kill you to think about all the trouble you cause me every day?! And for the love of God, take your hands off your ears and look at me when I talk to you!"
She didn't want to see her mother's angry face. Her yelling hurt like a million explosions going off. But she couldn't just jump out of the car. Dana had the child safety locks on, and Mary couldn't just run into the house as soon as they pulled into the driveway. Her mother had the keys, so she had to wait until she opened the door to their house. The second it was open, Mary ran right inside. Sanctuary, at last!
"Mary? How was school—" A thin, lanky man with black hair walked into the living room as soon as he heard the door open. But he couldn't finish his question, as Mary ran into him so hard, she almost knocked him over. She wrapped her skinny arms around his waist, but not all the way, as they were too short, and buried her face into his olive green sweater. The man didn't need to do much to figure out that Mary was upset. "You alright, Mary?"
"Daddy…" Mary's whimpers were muffled by his sweater, but the pain in her voice was unmistakable.
Not long after that, a young girl came walking into the living room, notebooks in hand. Her black hair was shorter than Mary's arranged in a chin-length bob cut, and not tied into two braids like Mary's were. Thick, round glasses obscured her eyes, and she looked to be high school aged.
"Hi, Mary! Hi, Mom!" The girl greeted them with an awkward smile, but could feel the atmosphere growing tense. "Uhh...is something wrong?"
"Todd! We need to talk right this minute!" Dana bellowed.
Paying his wife no heed, Todd gently stroked Mary's hair with one hand. "You don't have to tell me about it if you're not ready," Todd whispered reassuringly. "Would you like to hang out with Reagan while I speak to your mother in private?"
Mary gave a silent nod before walking over to Reagan, her older sister. The two of them walked upstairs and made their way to Reagan's room. Immediately, Mary flopped onto the bed, savoring her sister's purple comforter by hugging a huge chunk of it tightly. Reagan sat down next to her, frowning as she looked at the door. Even one floor up, their parents' voices were loud enough that they could hear them arguing.
"Do you...want to talk about it?" Reagan asked sheepishly.
Mary crawled closer to Reagan and laid her head on her lap. Recognizing the signal, Reagan stroked the back of Mary's head, taking care not to touch her braids.
"Let me guess: Mom saw you stimming and freaked out again, didn't she?" Reagan asked, feeling her jaw clench. "Can't even say I'm surprised at this point. She really needs to stop being such a drama queen."
"Agreed," Mary chimed in. "Caitlin was showing me her brother's drawings, and they were really pretty. I imagined myself riding the winged unicorn in one of the pictures. That's when Mom got mad," She explained as succinctly as she could.
"Sorry to hear that, little sis," Reagan's voice was barely above a whisper, just the way Mary liked it. Not too loud, but not so quiet that Mary couldn't hear her. "It sucks that she can't seem to accept that you're fine the way you are. But don't worry. You know Dad and I always have your back. Okay?"
As sad as Mary still felt about her mother, she gave a slow nod. "Mr. Bryant did too. He was mad at Mom when she yelled at me," Mary told her.
Reagan flashed a smile. "He was my favorite teacher when I went to your school," She admitted.
One thing Mary noticed that her sister had in common with Mr. Bryant was that they never made her feel ashamed of herself. Reagan let her talk about her day and always listened to her, never telling her to shut up or treating her like a nuisance. Still, Mary found herself wishing her mother would be the same way.
"Do you want to watch some cat videos with me? I found some really good ones," Reagan suggested with a grin.
Mary sat up from her sister's lap and nodded, joining her at her computer desk to watch funny cat videos for a few minutes. But as good as the cat videos were, she knew this moment of bliss would be fleeting at best. In a few hours, it would be dinner time, and that was where the big family discussions happened. She tried to savor the free time she had before dinner. When she grew bored of watching cat videos, she slinked into her room, her sanctuary, to find something else to do.
One step inside, and Mary smiled to herself, finally back in her sanctuary. Her bedroom's bright pink walls, white ceiling, pink flowery comforter, white pillows, bookcase filled with books and DVDs, the stuffed animals neatly lining up against her pillows, the floral carpet underneath her bed, turquoise nightstand, the lamp with rabbits running across its shade, the wooden toybox...this was her heaven on Earth. Mary walked over to her bed and pulled out one stuffed animal in particular, a white stuffed bunny with black button eyes, a pink, sewn on nose shaped like a triangle, long, floppy ears, and a pink bow on its neck.
"Hi, Mimi!" Mary cradled her stuffed bunny in her arms and sat on her bed, criss-crossing her legs pretzel style. "Guess what? Leo showed me one of his wooden sculptures at recess today! He carved a pretty bird!"
Mary talked to Mimi as if she were a person, and that was how she liked it. The stuffed bunny was a gift she received from her father on her fourth birthday. He said she would always listen to her troubles and be her friend no matter what. Good thing stuffed animals can't talk, so Mimi did turn out to be a great listener. Mary could talk to her and she would never be told to shut up or that she was just being a whiny baby or push her away. Mary would always play make believe with Mimi, imagining what kind of personality she'd have or what things she liked or didn't like.
Fantasy could be better than reality that way.
Before long, it was time for dinner, and Dana cooked up chicken, green beans, and rice pilaf. Mary liked chicken and rice pilaf, but she hated green beans. They tasted terribly slimy, and whenever she felt them going down her throat, they felt like worms were wiggling around. Normally, dinner was a lively affair, where everyone talked about their day and shared stories about stuff that happened. Today though, the atmosphere was heavy, and Dana's expression was still as sour and scrunched up as it was when she brought Mary home from school. Everyone could see it, and they could only eat their meal in awkward silence. Just looking at Dana's contorted face sucked the energy right out of the dining room.
For a moment, at least. "So Reagan, how was school?" Todd asked, forcing a smile.
"Alright. I managed to ace my history test, so there's that," Reagan replied, her smile a bit more natural.
"That's wonderful, honey! I knew you had it in you!" Todd exclaimed, his grin relaxing upon hearing the news. He gently put a reassuring hand on Reagan's shoulder. "Just for that, I'm ordering pizza for all of us this weekend."
"Yay! Pizza!" Mary cheered, throwing her arms up in the air, utensils in both hands.
Todd addressed Mary next. "Did you get your math test back yet, Mary?"
"Not yet, Dad," Mary replied, taking one bite of green beans. Her face contorted when the slimy food slithered down her throat. She really didn't want to think about math. All those numbers and confusing long division problems.
"Hey Mary," Reagan leaned to the side so Mary could hear her. "I found this new manga I think you might like. It's called Yuzu The Pet Vet, and it's about a girl who's sent to live with her veterinarian uncle and has to help at his animal clinic. She's afraid of animals at first but she interacts with all kinds of people and their pets and starts to like them more."
A girl learning to be a vet. Mary immediately found the idea piquing her interest. "Sounds cool."
"Next time we go to the bookstore, I'll see if I can find you the volumes that are out," Reagan said.
Mary couldn't wait. She kicked her legs up and down as she ate all of her rice pilaf, happy as a clam.
Unfortunately, the bliss only lasted five seconds. Dana shot a cold glare at her husband before speaking, her voice tight and stone hard. "Todd. When are we going to discuss this problem?"
There was the danger signal. Mary and Reagan shared awkward glances, knowing instinctively that this was going to get ugly.
"What problem, Dana?" Todd asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
"Mary's regression, that's what!" Dana exclaimed, pointing her fork right at Mary. "The teacher's been telling me that he's letting Mary flap her hands and rock back and forth in class, even though I very clearly told him that he shouldn't be allowing her to do that!"
Wanting to get out of the dining room right away, Mary began scarfing the rest of her dinner down faster than she normally did. The faster she got out of here, the better. Reagan did the same.
"Dana, you've seen her progress reports. Mary's doing fine," Todd attempted to quell his wife's barely contained rage. "In fact, her grades have gone up since my last meeting with her teacher and the social worker. They found that she does better when she engages in her stimming."
"Even though they could interfere with her chances of having a normal life when she grows up?!" Dana's voice rose an octave. "Todd, why are you letting that teacher enable this behavior?! Didn't you learn anything from all the times we took her to ABA?!"
Todd kept his voice calm and collected, but the girls could see from the way his hands shook that he was starting to lose his patience. "Dana, why are you even making this into an issue? Aren't you happy that Mary's made so much progress in her schooling? You really ought to be more supportive."
"Yeah, really," Reagan muttered bitterly under her breath.
But Mary knew the conversation wouldn't end there. She ate the rest of her green beans and hurried to the kitchen, plate in hand. "Thanks, that was good!" She hastily shouted, putting her plate and utensils in the sink before running back to her room to do her homework.
"The only thing I can ever imagine supporting her in is a genuine attempt to be more like her peers!" Mary happened to catch this particular sentence as she ran up the stairs. She closed the door behind her, leaned against it, and slumped to the ground, deflated and desolate. Fresh tears trickled out from Mary's eyes as she pulled out her worksheets. She wondered if there would ever be a time when her mother would be happy for her or say she was proud of her. Mary couldn't picture her mother doing that. For Reagan, maybe, but not Mary.
With this desolate thought in mind, Mary set about doing her homework...which turned out to be laughably easy. She finished it within half an hour. Now that she finished, she crawled onto her bed and held Mimi close.
"Mimi...I think Mom hates me," Mary murmured into her stuffed rabbit's fur. "Why doesn't she love me?"
In the back of her mind, Mary knew the answer to that, but thinking about it made her head hurt. She didn't want to think of her mother's constant need to point out Mary's issues, but considering Dana never seemed to want to stop, they always found some way of crawling back into her head. Thankfully, a knock at the door pulled her out of her thoughts.
"Mary? Can I come in?" It was her father. He walked inside and sat down on the bed next to Mary with a sympathetic smile on his face. "Hey there, Bunny."
Bunny was her father's nickname for her, as she loves rabbits. Mary smiled just a bit. "Sorry about earlier. I admittedly can't fathom why your mother insists on making everything into a big issue," He said, rubbing his bushy hair with one hand. "Anyway, other than that, how was school?"
"Fine," Mary said sheepishly. "I finished my homework just now."
"That's good. Your grades have gone up a lot since the last meeting. I'm really proud of you, sweetie," Todd reassured, stroking Mary's hair with his hand. Mary smiled, savoring his touch. She liked it when her father did this, as his touch was always gentle and smooth. Whenever her mother did it, her nails would always scratch her scalp in a way that hurt, and her movements were always too rough and too fast. Her father knew to slow down when he did so.
As much as Mary wanted to believe what he said, another thought popped into her mind. This time, she couldn't keep it in. "Dad?"
"Hm? What is it?"
"Does Mom...hate me?"
Todd's eyes widened and his mouth fell agape. "Your mother doesn't hate you. What makes you think that?"
Mary clung to Mimi tighter than usual. "You guys told me last month I'm autistic, right? And that makes me different from other kids? Mom's always complaining about it and everything I do. Would she…" Mary squeezed her eyes shut, hating that she even felt she had to say this out loud. "Would she like me better if I wasn't—?"
"Stop right there, Mary," Todd cut her off before she could finish, his tone hardening. But no sooner than it hardened, his voice went back to being soft. "Your mother doesn't hate you, nor do your sister and I. I didn't tell you about your autism because I wanted to make you sad or make you think something's wrong with you," He explained, sliding off the bed and kneeling down to meet Mary's face. "I told you about it because I feel you have a right to know about how your mind works. It's a part of you, and no matter how much your mother complains about it on a daily basis, that won't ever change. It also doesn't change the fact that you're my daughter."
"Then why does Mom always yell at me whenever I do anything? I follow the rules like she tells me, but…" Mary couldn't bring herself to finish her sentence. That was just it. It never felt like enough.
Her father sighed. "Let's just say she's always had a hard time accepting it, and frankly, it's been getting on my nerves as well. But…" He smiled at Mary once more. "I want you to remember that you can talk to me about anything. Even about your mom. Don't ever feel like you can't rely on me for anything. I'll always have your back no matter what. Reagan does, too."
Mary hoisted herself up and patted her comforter, conveying that she wanted him to sit with her. He sat down on the bed and Mary snuggled up to him, with Todd wrapping one arm around her. The two of them sat there in their shared peaceful silence for a while, savoring each other's warmth. Mary's nostrils caught the scent of butter on the fabric of his sweater. It was warm, like fresh toast, and she could feel his chest rising and falling with his shallow breaths. She wished every day could be like this. At least her father wouldn't constantly complain about everything Mary did on a regular basis.
"Do you want me to read one of your books to you before bed?" Todd asked.
Mary nodded.
"Which one?"
"How about Matilda?"
Todd smiled. "That's a good choice right there."
Friday, the final day of the week before the weekend. Mary sat through the first half of school in anticipation, her legs bouncing whenever she was made to sit still for long periods of time. Not from being nervous, but from wanting to pass the time and get any lingering energy she couldn't expend out of her system. She couldn't wait to end the school day so she could spend as much time with her sister and father as possible. But getting through the day was easier said than done.
During English class, Mary often felt something hitting her on the head. It felt like wadded up paper balls. When she looked down, she found three of them at her feet. She tried to ignore them, but felt a fourth one against her head not seconds after she wrote some notes down. But she didn't dare turn around. She knew exactly who the culprit was. For now though, she didn't want to be bothered with dealing with him. She focused on the lesson as much as possible. After a while, the paper ball assault stopped, not that it amounted to much.
Recess came, and Mary wasted no time joining Caitlin and Leo in their favorite spot on the blacktop, the top left corner of the fence, just below the plum blossom tree that always turned into a cloud of pink white blooms in the spring. Of course, the tree was naked, without a single leaf on it, since it was October already. But the blacktop had been blanketed with a collage of leaves in colors that never ceased to be amazing. Blazing red, tangerine orange, golden yellow, majestic bronze. Caitlin in particular jumped into one pile of leaves and was throwing them all over the place.
"Wheeee! It's raining leaves!" Caitlin cheered, simulating rainfall by throwing the leaves upward. Mary and Leo giggled as leaves piled onto them, throwing them back at her in playful revenge.
Leo held two red ones next to both sides of his head. "Rawr! I am the Demogorgon! Fear me, lowly mortals!"
Caitlin immediately called the depiction into question. "Come on, Leo! The Demogorgon doesn't have leafy ears!"
"The one I came up with does!"
The three of them giggled and played pretend for most of the recess. This was the best part of the day for Mary. Spending time with her friends and being whoever she wanted to be, herself included. At least here, her mother wouldn't constantly hover over her and yell at her for silly things. Knowing Dana, she'd probably scold Mary for not even playing the right way. Was there even a right way to play? Mary knew there weren't any special rules for playing with her friends. They didn't care about that stuff, so why should she?
"Hey, Leo," Mary gently tapped Leo's shoulder. "Is your baby sister learning to crawl yet?"
"Oh! I never told you?" Leo swiveled around, shocked that he hadn't told her. "Sorry about that. But yeah, Valentina started crawling last week! It's kinda fun to see her crawl around the house like she's on a mission," He exclaimed, his voice bubbling over with delight like soda fizz. "Next time you come over, you guys can play together. She really likes this one tambourine toy Mom got her a while ago."
"That'd be great!" Mary agreed, looking forward to it. If her mother would ever let her, that is. But she did find herself feeling a bit uncomfortable and immediately knew why. "I gotta run to the bathroom real quick. I'll be right back!"
Mary waved to her friends as she raced back to the double doors leading back into the school. Caitlin and Leo waved back before throwing leaves at each other again. Mary made her way to the bathroom, thankful that she made it on time. Once she was done, she washed her hands, recoiling a bit at how smelly the soap was. It smelled like rotting gum. Could gum even rot? She had no clue. She wiped her hands and walked out the bathroom door...but froze in place when she saw a boy her age coming her way.
As soon as he had her in her sights, the red haired boy immediately approached her, glaring at her the whole time, flashing a smirk like he had plans for her. Not the good kind of plans. "Oh what, need your diaper changed, baby?" He drawled in a deliberately nasally, patronizing fashion.
Mary kept walking, knowing there were better things to do than waste her time with him. "Leave me alone, Greg."
Greg didn't get the message. He reached out and grabbed Mary's shirt, pulling her right back towards him. "Ow! Hey!"
"I'm talking to you, stupid!" Greg howled. "You're gonna pay for getting me in trouble with Mr. Bryant last week!"
It didn't take much for Mary to figure out what he was talking about. Last week, some items belonging to the students had gone missing, including one of Mary's books. During recess, Mary was going to get a book from her backpack to show Caitlin, but accidentally knocked over Greg's backpack in doing so. All of the items belonging to the students fell out, confirming that he had stolen them. Having been taught that stealing is wrong, Mary wasted no time taking Greg's bag and showing it to Mr. Bryant, telling him what happened. When classes restarted, Mr. Bryant forced Greg to return the items and made him stay inside for recess for the rest of the week.
Mary wriggled out from his grasp, glaring at him. Why was he still so obsessed with that. As far as Mary was concerned, he brought it on himself. "Just go away, Greg!" She yelled before turning on her heel and trying to leave again. Unfortunately, Greg ran right in front of her, arms akimbo, preventing her escape.
"Hey! Can you move?!"
"Nuh-uh! Not until I beat your dumb face in!"
A chill ran down Mary's spine. She did not want to be his personal punching bag. She ran underneath one of his arms and tried to run, but Greg reached out and grabbed her by the shirt collar, pulling her back yet again.
"Ow!" Mary's shirt collar pressed onto her neck, almost cutting into it. "Help!" She cried out.
"You know nobody actually cares about you, right?" Greg insinuated, his tone overflowing with venom. "Not even Mr. Bryant or Mrs. Wagner. They only get paid to pretend to care about you."
"Get off me!" Mary shouted as loud as her little voice could muster. Her whole being screamed at her to get out of there and break free from Greg's grasp. Her teeth clenched as Greg called her teachers' integrity into question. Greg was full of it! Wasn't he? He had to be. He just had to. He didn't know anything.
The sound of harsh footsteps never sounded so heavenly before now.
"Gregory Kesserling!"
Mr. Bryant's voice boomed throughout the hall. Greg stopped, freezing in place upon hearing his name. Seeing an opening, Mary finally pried herself away from Greg and hid behind Mr. Bryant. The large man towered over the scrawny red haired boy, his stony glare hard enough to kill if at all possible. Greg's mouth fell agape as he shrunk under his teacher's gaze.
"...Y-Yes, sir?" Greg sputtered. "I was just—"
Unfazed, Mr. Bryant pointed further up the hall. "Greg. Principal's office. With me. Now," He ordered.
The boy's anger swiftly returned. "No! I don't wanna! Why do you always give stupid Mary special treatment?! You act like she's your baby!" He protested.
"Nobody is giving anyone special treatment, Greg," Mr. Bryant asserted, not paying Greg's protests any heed. "Your behavior is unacceptable, and I think it's high time I called your mother about this. I don't know what makes you think picking on other kids is okay, but this behavior cannot go on."
Mr. Bryant shot a sympathetic look towards Mary. "You'd best get back outside, Mary. I'll handle things from here," He told her.
Mary gave a vigorous nod and walked back outside. But she did linger a bit so she could watch Mr. Bryant escort Greg to the principal's office. She had to admit, hearing Greg whine in protest was fairly satisfying. Maybe now he'd get some degree of punishment that would make him stop his mean ways once and for all.
She found herself wishing someone would do the same thing with her own mother. Or was that not possible? Mary frowned at the thought.
Thankfully, the rest of the day turned out much better. Greg didn't come back to class for the entire day, and even math class, Mary's least favorite subject, turned out better than she expected. At the end of said class, the math tests were given back to the students. Mary found hers, and she sucked in an audible gasp when she saw the number at the top right corner.
A big, bold, red 90 in a circle.
"I passed!" So overcome was Mary with undiluted joy that she wound up shouting her thoughts without meaning to. Everyone in the classroom turned to stare when they heard her delighted shout. Mary paid them no heed. She had spent weeks studying for this test and was afraid she would fail. Numbers and long division rarely ever computed to her, and a bad grade would just give her mother more reason to yell at her. Seeing the two wonderful digits put together alleviated those fears like they had never been there at all.
"Mary?" A female teacher called out. "You'd best use your inside voice."
"Oh!" The teacher's reminder brought her back to reality and she shrunk into her seat. "Whoops. Sorry," Her cheeks flared red. She hadn't meant to disrupt class, and instantly regretted it. There was some consolation in that the teacher didn't dwell on the issue and moved on, as did everyone else. Still, Mary smiled to herself, kicking her legs up and down, unable to contain her happiness. She couldn't wait to get home and show her math test to her parents.
When the final bell rang, Mary raced out the classroom door, as did the other students, and when she got outside, looked around for her father's silver BMW. It was easy to find, as it had a black stripe going across the side. Once she found it, she opened the door and sat down in the front seat.
"Hi, Mary. How was school today?" Todd asked.
"Look, Dad!" Mary rummaged through her backpack and pulled out her math test. "I aced the math test!" She bellowed happily.
Todd took it into his hands to look it over for a bit. "Wow, that's wonderful, Mary! Great job!" He snaked an arm around Mary and pulled her into a hug. "I knew you could do it! See these ones? You had so much trouble with these problems before."
Mary's heart was aglow with sunshine in this moment. For the first time today, Mary felt proud.
"I know, right?"
Todd gave a knowing grin. "Since you passed, would you like to go to the bookstore to get a new book?" He asked.
The bookstore? Mary squealed. "Yes! Yes please!"
Todd gave a chuckle. "Alright. I just need to run home and get some things. I'll ask if Reagan wants to come, too."
Mary didn't mind one bit as she hummed to herself throughout the entire car ride home. The bookstore! She had been looking forward to it for several weeks now, and she knew exactly what she wanted to get once they got there. When they made it home, Mary put her school stuff away, and she heard her father ask Reagan if she'd like to go to the bookstore with them.
"Oooh, sure! Count me in! I've been wanting to pick up some new manga," Mary could hear the excitement in Reagan's voice. Mary then pulled out her math test and found her mother in the dining room, looking over some documents.
"Hey, Mom! Look! I got an A on my math test!" Mary announced, waving the paper next to her mother.
Without a word, Dana snatched the paper from Mary's hands and looked it over. She still had that severe expression on her face, like she expected Mary to fail. Mary's nose caught the scent of coffee, and she looked down to see the mug her mother was drinking out of. A white one, with the words Cure Autism Now in indigo printed on it. A knot formed in Mary's stomach, and her previous enthusiasm over her test faded. More so when Dana put her test back down and stared daggers at her.
"Mary, you know you're supposed to look people in the eye when you talk to them. We've been over this," Dana snapped. She reached out to grab Mary's chin and force her to look at her face, but the girl took a step back, evading the invasive hand.
That's what she was concerned about? Mary couldn't believe it. She thought her mother would be happy about this. Mary didn't like looking at people's eyes. She always felt scrutinized and judged whenever she saw people's eyes. She especially hated looking at her mother's eyes. They always looked angry. She tried to pretend she was doing so by looking at people's foreheads, as those weren't as scary, but her mother always seemed to notice and call attention to it. Mary clenched her teeth as she took the test back, not realizing she had accidentally pulled some of the documents and made them scatter onto the floor.
"Mary! Darn it!" Dana yelled, standing up and bending down to pick them up. "Can't you go one day without knocking things over?! I need to pay these bills!"
"Sorry! It was an accident," Immediately remorseful, she covered her ears, but kneeled down to help clean up.
"Don't!" Dana held a hand up, telling her to back off. "You'll just make it worse!"
"I just wanted to help clean up…" Mary muttered, her small voice defeated. She walked back into the living room to wait for her father to say they were leaving. Earlier she felt so proud of having passed a hard math test. Her own mother didn't even care, more concerned that Mary never looked people in the eye and knocked something over by accident.
Dana finished cleaning up right as Todd and Reagan walked into the living room. "You ready, Mary?" Reagan asked.
Mary ran to join them, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Now she could get away from her mother for a bit and have some fun in her favorite place.
"Wait! I'm going with you!"
Or not. Mary's shoulders slumped, and her face blanched. Her mother wanted to come with them? Since when? This didn't make sense. Every vein in her body was screaming that this was a disaster waiting to happen.
"Mom, you don't have to come with us," Reagan told her. It didn't take much for a teenage girl to figure out why her mother wanted to accompany them to the bookstore. Mary knew it as well. "Didn't you say you had stuff to do today?"
"Yeah, but I'm sick of being in the house all the time," Dana replied, pulling on her shirt collar to adjust it. All three of them could tell she was steadfast and wasn't going to take no for an answer. "I need to get out for a bit."
Both Mary and Reagan knew this was a complete and utter lie. She never wanted to just get out of the house for anything. They knew she was convinced Mary would either scream or have a meltdown if she was out of her sight outside of school, even though she never did any of those things. At least, not without good reason. Mary balled her hands into fists. She didn't want her mother to come with her. She'd just make a big stink and ruin everything. It had happened lots of times before. But this was rude to say to a parent, and knowing her mother, she'd come with them whether they liked it or not.
Knowing it was pointless to argue, Todd let out a sigh. "Sure. I know you like your romance novels. Maybe you can find a new one to read while we're there. Didn't you say you were into Cody Perault's stuff?" He tried to make light conversation, but the tension didn't ease one bit.
The bookstore in question was a Barnes and Noble just a couple towns from where the Summers lived and fairly close by car. Mary loved going there. It was big, spacious, and more often than not, wasn't very crowded. Everything had its designated place, and she always knew where to find something. If she couldn't find what she wanted, she could ask one of the nice employees to order it for her to pick up later. The second she walked in, she made a beeline for the manga section, zipping past the tables filled with books that the store was advertising.
"Mary! Don't run in the store!" Dana called out.
At this point, Mary paid her no heed, nor did she want to at this point. She found the manga section just behind the fantasy section and immediately went to the end of the shelf, her eyes examining the books that started with Y. Mary beamed when she saw her target: Volumes one and two of Yuzu The Pet Vet. The only ones on the shelf, with no duplicates. But when she reached out to grab them, a hand yanked volume one out of the shelf.
Mary looked up, wondering who the culprit was. A teenaged girl a little older than Reagan, with long, scraggly red hair cascading down her back, wearing a black hoodie, matching jeans, and tall boots. The girl flipped through the book she pulled out for a bit before noticing Mary in her peripheral vision.
"Oh! Sorry. Did you want this?" The red haired girl asked.
As much as Mary wanted to say yes, a part of her told her to be more considerate. Maybe this older girl wanted it more than she did. Who was she to take that away from her? Her mother always got on her case about putting others' needs before her own and to be more considerate of others. The thoughts shut her vocal chords down, and she found herself unable to answer.
To her relief, the girl smiled and handed the book back, seeing through her hesitation. "Here you go. I can always order a copy online."
"You sure?" Mary asked, not taking the book right away.
"Yup. No biggie."
Permission secured, Mary gingerly took the book out of the girl's hands. "Tha—"
"Mary! Say thank you when someone does something nice for you!" Dana's loud voice made Mary's heart jump.
"I was just about to!" Mary snapped, her voice adopting a stony, angry tone. But she immediately softened it when she faced the red-haired girl again. "Thanks, Miss."
The red haired girl gave a wave before walking away. But the awful knot in Mary's stomach tightened even more than before. Mary held the two books close to her chest, hoping squeezing them would get her frustration out, but it didn't. Why did her mom have to come in and interrupt her? Mary was going to tell the girl thanks, but she acted like she wasn't. Did her mother think it was her personal mission to needle Mary every single time she did anything at all?
"Mom, Mary's not three years old anymore," Reagan told her. "She knows how to say thank you to people. You don't have to constantly remind her all the time."
Dana turned back to her older daughter with a quizzical eyebrow. "She's not like you, Reagan. She constantly forgets her manners. She needs to improve her social skills every day. If I don't remind her, who will? She can't afford to forget her manners. Not with how she is."
Of course. Mary could only roll her eyes. Already tired of being next to her, Mary slowly made her way to the children's section. It was laughably easy to find, what with its brightly colored boards and walls. But being here didn't make her feel any better. The events from today began to amass in her heart. Greg's bullying, her mother not even noticing the good grade she got on her test, and now being needled about her manners even though she knew them already. Mary wished her mother didn't insist on coming with them.
"Find anything you like, Mary?" Her father's kind voice pulled her out of her reverie.
"Just these. But I want to see if I can find a new book," Mary replied, eyeing a table displaying newer books.
One book in particular had a cover depicting a girl standing in a snowy forest bathed in a golden orange sunset with a dog next to her. The girl was facing away from Mary, holding a stick in her hands. Mary opened the cover and looked at the premise. The story was about a girl and her dog trying to go to a friend's house for a sleepover, only to wake up one day to find the town is mysteriously empty. Everyone disappeared, leaving her and her dog completely and utterly alone. Interest piqued, Mary took the book into her hands, flipping through some of the pages. It sounded cool.
"Mary!" Mary bristled. There was her mother's voice again. Oddly enough, it was higher pitched and sounded nasally. Dana walked over to her, holding a square-looking book in her hand. "I found something I think you might like."
Dana showed her the book, and Mary grimaced. The book's cover of a pig dressed in a bib, a diaper, and a blue bonnet, holding a rattle and sitting in a high chair. Sitting on the attached table was a porcelain creamer shaped like a cow. Mary's face contorted in disgust, especially when she realized the book, though it looked big, didn't have many pages. Dana wanted her to read this weird-looking picture book? It looked like something only three-year-olds would read.
"No thanks," Mary said, trying to be as polite as possible. But just looking at that...could that pig even be called a piglet? Perhaps a better term for it would be pig baby. Mary turned to pick up the book she looked at, but Dana slapped a hand down on it, preventing her daughter from taking in.
"Come on, Mary. Don't be like that," Dana continued talking in an almost babyish, condescending voice, refusing to take the hint. "You like these kinds of stuff!"
"Not anymore," Mary asserted, removing her mother's hand from her preferred book and taking it off the shelf.
Seeing what was going on, Reagan's mouth fell agape and her eyes went wide, completely scandalized. "Mom! Mary's nine years old! She's way too old for those baby books you keep trying to force on her!" She exclaimed.
Dana put a finger to her mouth and hissed at Reagan, "Inside voice!"
Knowing that she was probably going to make a scene, Mary ran from the children's section to find her father. He wasn't far, as he was in the DVD section. Mary stayed with him from then on, refusing to leave his side. The bucket that was her heart was starting to overflow from the stress of everything. Mary pursed her lips together tightly. Why did her mother have to come? This would have been much more fun had she stayed home and watched her soap operas. After everyone got everything they wanted, they went to the cash register to pay for them. Mary still felt wounded up, and she needed to get this anxious feeling out of her system. She knew just what would do the trick. Standing behind her parents so they wouldn't see, Mary flapped her hands at her side, remembering the pretty winged unicorn drawing Caitlin showed her. She closed her eyes, imagining the winged unicorn flying across the rainbow, using her hands to simulate flight once more. Already, she could feel the frustration finally leaving her system as she gradually lost herself in a brief moment of respite.
...Until she was forcefully pulled out of it by a hand clamping onto her smaller ones.
"Ow! Ow! Stop!" Mary cried out, her eyes slamming open when she saw who was responsible. Her mother's face leaned right into hers, leaving no room for anything else.
"Mary! What part of quiet hands don't you understand?!" Dana screamed so loud, Mary's eardrums rattled from the inside.
This was too much. Her mother's fingernails dug into her skin, like snake fangs biting down on her. The colorful walls were suddenly too bright. The ringing and clicking noises from the cash register got louder. Myriad eyes locked onto them in all directions. Dana's voice exploded in her ears. It needed to stop. She needed to get away.
"Mom! Let me go!" Mary cried out.
"Come on, Mom! Don't do this!" Reagan attempted to pry her mother's arms off of Mary, but Dana turned her back to her.
"Mary! You are not doing this here!" Dana yelled. "You are NOT going to throw a tantrum on me!"
Everything was closing in fast. Mary tried to pull away, but her mother's fingernails dug deeper. The pain shut down her vocal chords, stripping her of words, and all Mary could make out was an agonized screech. It hurt! It hurt so bad! Why didn't her mother stop? Why won't she let her go? Mary furiously pulled away as hard as she could.
"Dana! Stop! She's not doing anything!" Todd managed to pry Dana's hands off of his younger daughter.
Finally, she was free! For about five seconds. But Dana raced to catch up with her. Rather than simply blocking her path, Dana lunged at her, pinning the girl to the cold tile floor. The spectacle mounted. Mary tried to pull herself up, but her mother's weight kept her trapped. She kicked her legs outward, but it was futile. She attempted to throw her hands outward, but her mother's hands coiled around them, harder this time, obstructing movement. Mary's vision blurred, and tears trickled out. This couldn't be happening. Why was her mother doing this? Shouts and screams echoed all around her, and Mary couldn't use her hands to cover her ears and protect them.
"Dana! Get off her! You're hurting her!" Todd protested, trying desperately to pull his wife off of her.
"No!" She snapped back savagely, her black locks tumbling about her contorted face. "Unlike you, I'm trying to get her under control! Somebody has to around here! You certainly won't, since you can't even be bothered to get her to use quiet hands!"
Mary screamed. She needed to get out of here NOW. Everything was too painful. But she couldn't escape no matter how much she fought and struggled. Her mother's legs locked her little body into place like a cage, and her fingernails continued to pin her arms down, digging deeper into her skin. This was too much. Too much. Everything was falling apart all around her.
"Mom! Stop it!" Finally, Reagan yanked her mother off of Mary by pulling on her body with such force that she managed to get her to release her.
Free from her awful imprisonment, Mary made a beeline for the exit. She needed someplace quiet. Not here. Not where her mother was screaming at her. She knew she couldn't run away outright, as she didn't want to worry her father and sister. She managed to turn the corner, where she could see the entrance to the Party City at the mall. The sky was gradually sporting specs of orange, and the air was chilly against her splotchy wet face. But she didn't care at this point. There was no yelling, so she was safe. It helped that there wasn't anyone else outside at the moment, so she didn't need to worry about them either looking at her weird or yelling at her to shut up. She slumped against the wall and bawled into her hands. After a minute of crying, she looked down at her wrists and gasped at what she saw.
Red crescent shaped scratches lined her wrists, with some having fresh blood trickling down her skin. No wonder her mother's fingernails hurt so much. The tears overflowed from her blue eyes as she cried harder. All Mary was doing was flapping her hands and trying to calm down. Why did her mother completely freak out like that? It wasn't the first time Dana had acted like that, but this was far worse than all the other times she could remember. She didn't understand at all. Caitlin's mother wasn't like her. Leo's mother certainly wasn't either. They never got mad whenever Caitlin and Leo did anything, only when they did something they shouldn't, like get into fights or refuse to clean their rooms.
More than that...when was the last time Mary ever saw her mother smile? At Mary, no less? She smiled at everyone except for her.
Why? Was it because...she was autistic?
"Mary!" Reagan came running, sighing with relief as she kneeled to her level, keeping just a couple feet away. "Thank goodness!"
It was easy for Reagan to see that Mary didn't look good at all. Mary didn't dare look at her. She was too ashamed to do so. Reagan frowned and pushed a plastic bag towards Mary. "Here are your books. If you'd like, we can read them together when we get home—Oh my God!" Reagan noticed the scratches on her sister's wrists. "You're bleeding!"
"I wanna go home," That was all that Mary had it in her to choke out. Her small voice was trembling and battered.
"I'm so sorry, Mary. Mom should never have done that to you. She actually hurt you!" Reagan lamented. "God, she has the nerve to claim you're the one who makes a scene, but really she's always the one who does just that! Ugh, I even knew she'd do this the second she said she said she wanted to come, and yet…"
"I didn't even do anything…" Mary muttered bitterly. Her nerves began to ease upon hearing that even after that awful scene, Reagan was still on her side.
"I know," Reagan assured. There was a brief silence as Mary curled into a fetal position and began rocking. She needed to push the sadness out. Usually, rocking would help, but this time it didn't work, mainly because Mary knew that her mother would just start yelling at her again as soon as she had her in her sights. "Do you...want some privacy?"
"No. Please stay."
Reagan wished she had brought something to cover Mary's scratches, like band-aids or even a paper napkin. At least until they got home so she could treat them properly. For a short while, the two sisters sat together in the frigid October air in silence until their father came to get them. No words were exchanged between the four of them throughout the entire car ride home. Except for two.
"Dana. You are never doing that again," Todd leaned into his wife's space and hissed through angrily clenched teeth.
"No," Dana hissed right back. "I'll do it a hundred more times until Mary finally gets it. It's high time she learns to care about what someone else wants or needs for a change, even if she has to pretend to be interested!"
Mary shrunk into her seat, curling into herself, wishing she could disappear.
The rest of the day didn't go much better, even after Todd disinfected and wrapped Mary's scratches with bandages. Dinner was tense as everyone ate their food in awkward, simmering silence. Even though Reagan and Mary spent the rest of the day watching a movie on Netflix in Reagan's room, they could hear their parents arguing even from a floor up. Everyone went to bed that night, hoping this awful day would finally be done and over with.
But Mary found herself restless, unable to sleep much. At one point, she heard her stomach growl, begging for food. She got up and looked outside, seeing it was still dark out. The sky was completely still, pitch black, dotted with stars that glittered like jewels. Now that the trees were bare, Mary could see them with much more clarity. Silently, Mary took Mimi and checked the clock on her nightstand. It was 5:34 AM. Far earlier than she usually woke up. As much as she'd like to get back to sleep, her stomach rumbled once again, roaring for a meal to satiate itself. Silently, Mary took Mimi into her arms and walked downstairs.
Much to her relief, there were still some bananas by the sink. Mary set Mimi on the kitchen counter, took a banana, and ate it, chewing slowly to savor the taste. Voices from two rooms down caught her ear as she finished. People talking. It didn't sound like her mother, as she heard a man's voice, and it wasn't her father either. Mary put the peel in the trash and tip-toed into the den. Dana lay on the couch, draped in a gray blanket, sleeping like a log. The den would have been completely dark, had the TV not illuminated it by showing the news.
"Police are still searching for missing Pennsylvanian teenager seventeen-year-old Nora McDonald. She was last seen leaving her family home just last Friday," A male newscaster explained before the scene shifted, showing a picture of a girl with long, wild purple hair with two pink streaks in it, red eyes, and wearing a red orange hoodie. "If anyone has seen or has any information on her whereabouts, please call the number below."
Mary couldn't fathom how her mother could sleep with the TV playing all night. She herself required absolute silence when trying to sleep. She turned to her right, noticing the computer was still on. That was odd. Dana never left the computer on when she went to sleep. Was she working on something and then fell asleep before she could close it out? There was a website on display, covering the screen from corner to corner.
"What's this?" Mary whispered to herself, hoping her mother didn't hear.
Something compelled Mary to look at the website. Part of her told her to stop, as it's rude to go through people's things, especially their webpages. But the temptation to see became stronger when she saw her mother's name on the website.
Dana Summers.
Slowly and silently, Mary sat on the chair, seeing the title of the website at the top: A Mother's Fight Against Autism.
Fight? Against Autism? Mary raised both eyebrows. Autism wasn't something someone could fight. That made no sense. Confused by the title, Mary looked at the first entry on the website.
Dated just last night.
My daughter threw a gigantic temper tantrum yesterday. Right in the middle of the Barnes and Noble we visit. She was flapping her hands, even though she's been repeatedly told that she should never do that ever. I tried to convince her to use quiet hands, but she just went nuts. She started screaming and howling like an animal. I pinned her down and tried to subdue her, but my husband and older daughter wouldn't let me get her under control. The whole thing was a huge mess all around. This isn't even the first time she's done this, yet every single time, her tantrums and extreme fussiness wear me down more and more. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
And I know for a fact it's not only my husband's fault, but Mary's teacher's fault as well. They're enabling her fixations and behavior, even though the ABA sessions we put her through made it clear her weird habits need to be stamped out no matter what. I could see everyone staring at me while I tried to get her under control. Their wide eyes and mouths agape, probably thinking "What the hell is wrong with that kid? Why would those parents even take her out in public. It doesn't look like they can even discipline her properly." I hate how right they are. I do everything I can to discipline Mary, but she just refuses to learn. She ruins everything and I don't give a damn anymore whether it's her fault or not. We can't go anywhere or do anything because of her, and I honestly wonder if she even likes causing me trouble the way she does!
How long will it be until she and her behavioral problems drain me completely dry?
No.
This couldn't be true.
This had to be a big lie.
Was this how her mother saw the whole incident?
Was this how her mother really felt about her?
Why would she claim the whole thing was Mary's fault, when the only reason she was screaming was because her mother touched her hands and refused to let go even though Mary said it hurt?
It dawned on Mary right then. This was her mother's website that she created.
She scrolled down, her mouth wide open in horror. There were pages upon pages of entries, dating back several years, all talking about Mary in extensive detail. Hundreds of them. Many of them had words and concepts that Mary couldn't quite grasp, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what all of them conveyed.
Mary's mother absolutely hated her!
This shouldn't be possible. Mothers were supposed to love their kids no matter what. Mary knew this, in theory...but Dana had never once put it into practice. Caitlin's mother did. Leo's mother did. Even Mr. Bryant cared about Mary, and he was a teacher.
She thought back to all the times her mother pinned her down. Yelled at her. Screamed at her face over things Mary didn't understand. Taking her to all those doctors while never explaining why. Why her mother never came to help her when Mary asked for it. Even when the doctors' invasive, intrusive hands were moving her, manipulating her, forcing her to do things she didn't want. Not even shutting her eyes would will the memories to subside.
Curiosity and a desire to know the truth overrode any semblance of restraint. Mary looked through every entry, taking care not to type or click the mouse too loud, lest she wake her sleeping mother.
One entry stood out in particular, dated two years ago. May 18th. Two days after her seventh birthday. Against her better judgment, Mary read the blog post.
And saw something that she wished she never had to see. A single sentence that she didn't dare play in her mind, confirming her absolute worst fears.
No. This couldn't be true! Mary's mind reeled as she scrambled out of the den, carrying Mimi with her. She ran back to the safety of her bedroom, unable to comprehend what she saw. She blinked several times, hoping this was just a dream. Hoping beyond all hope that it would make sense the hundredth time around.
It didn't.
'Mom hates me! She really hates me!' Mary wanted to scream out loud, but everyone else was sleeping, and she couldn't risk waking them up. But good lord, she wanted to break down crying so, so, so bad. 'She's been writing about me on that blog for years! How did I not see this?! How did I not know about this?!'
Questions echoed in Mary's mind, running a mile a minute, all without answers. All of the awful emotions Mary felt in that moment—the very ones her mother, and everyone else, implicitly said she wasn't allowed to feel—rattled inside her lungs like shattering glass. Nothing made any sense. How long had her mother been writing about Mary on that blog? Since she was first diagnosed? Who else knew about it? Did her father and Reagan know about it? Did they?! They had to! Several entries mentioned them by name.
Did they...also hate her, too? Were they just pretending to love her?
Did they also hate that she was autistic? Did they want her to be normal like them?
Mary's whole world went dark.
She couldn't stay here. No. If she stayed here, who knows what would happen? Tomorrow, or even later today?
An impulsive thought entered her mind...and Mary wasted no time putting it into action.
Mary pulled out a flashlight from her drawer, figuring turning on her bedroom light would clue everyone in on what she was planning. No way was she going to let them find out. Mary changed out of her pajamas and changed into a white shirt, an oversized pink dress, purple pants, and her favorite white shoes with flowers on them. She even took the time to braid her hair and secure it with her favorite pink bows. Once that was done, she stuffed her backpack with anything she felt she wanted to bring with her. Some favorite books, a notebook, some mechanical pencils, her blanket, some underwear, and some extra clothes. She packed her flashlight soon after. What she didn't realize was that one of her shirts wrapped around a cellphone, and it was stuffed in her bag along with everything else.
More importantly, Mary cradled Mimi in her arms. No way was she going to leave without Mimi. Her best friend.
Before that, Mary opened a notebook and began writing something in there. When she finished, she ripped it out and stuck it under a pillow. Now fully prepared, Mary flung her overstuffed backpack on her back and very slowly walked out of her bedroom.
She needed to be absolutely quiet, though. If she were to wake anyone up, they'd stop her and never let her live it down. She rolled her eyes as she made her way to the front door. Knowing her mother, she never let Mary live anything down. She made it to the front door and opened it as quietly as she could, praying the knob wouldn't squeak and that the door wouldn't make the heavy creaking noise. To her relief, neither happened. As soon as she closed it behind her, Mary made a break for it.
The sky was still pitch black, and other than a few illuminated streetlights, the city was dark. All was silent except for Mary panting and sprinting. She ran down one street, turned on another, sprinted down one particularly steep street, ran up another, and another, and another. She knew the area, even as it was blanketed by the veil of night. The shape of the trees, the angles of the streets, the outlines of various houses and landmarks. She knew them all. Clutching Mimi like she was the only thing keeping her alive, Mary ran further, even as her lungs and legs burned.
Finally, the running and the backpack's weight pressing down on her back forced her to stop at an empty park. She sat down underneath a round jungle gym. It was big enough that Mary could squeeze through one of the openings even with her backpack being as stuffed as it was. Now, Mary was completely and utterly alone. Alone with her thoughts, feelings, and with Mimi. Right now, there was no mother telling her to shut up. No weird doctors telling her what to do and saying she did everything wrong even when she did what she was supposed to. Nobody telling her she wasn't normal and had to be like them.
Normal. She hated that word. It was all her mother thought about.
Mary stood up and kicked one of the bars in the jungle gym. "I hate Mom!" She screamed.
Another kick. "I hate those weird ABA doctors!"
Kick, kick, kick. "I hate ABA!"
Mary didn't care that her foot throbbed from the pain.
"I hate everything I do and say always being wrong no matter what!"
Tears trickled out once more.
"I hate being autistic! I hate normal! I hate Greg for always picking on me! I hate Mom's stupid blog! I hate that everybody hates me for not being like them! I hate that me being autistic is all that anybody ever cares about!"
Mary pulled on one of the bars. Her scrawny arms would never be strong enough to pull them out, but the pulling sensation was somewhat satisfying.
"I hate everybody! And worst of all, I HATE MYSELF!"
With that rhetoric, Mary fell to her knees and cried into her hands once more. Was this how her life was going to be? Everyone in the world hating her and wishing she'd be normal because her brain wasn't like theirs? Being yelled at over every little thing she did for the rest of her life? Knowing that not only her own mother didn't love her—and probably the rest of her family too, based on what some of the blog posts implied—but was planning on doing something horrible to her? She didn't care if a police officer came and told her she was making a disturbance. She didn't want to go home. Not back there. Not where certain doom awaited her.
As she finally calmed down, a question popped into her mind: Where could she go? Mary conjured several potential solutions. Maybe she could move in with Caitlin or Leo. Caitlin's parents were always nice, and their two dogs were super friendly. If they'd let her live with them, Mary wouldn't even mind cleaning up the dogs' poop. Anything was better than being back with her own mother.
Just as the thought passed her mind, a loud sound echoed throughout the park. The high pitched hissing of a train whistle. "Wha?" Mary looked up. A long, black steam engine came rolling through the park, its windows glowing a bright, eerie green. This couldn't be right. There weren't any train stations here, and how could a train run without tracks? Or through a grassy park?
Gradually, the train slowed down, and a door opened up, as if tempting her to come inside.
"Ooooh. Is this some kind of magical train?" Mary asked out loud, cradling Mimi in her arms as she crawled out from the jungle gym and approached the train. It looked like a much older train, not like the shiny modern ones that are rectangular and zip through cities faster than she could comprehend. Normally, Mary would be averse to going into a strange transportation vehicle. The lesson of not going into strange cars was drilled into her head from a young age. But then she remembered that even though she normally never left the house on her own, especially in the dead of night, she ran away from home anyway.
No matter how magical or otherworldly this train was, wherever it took her had to be better than staying with a mother who hated her.
Before she got on, she squeezed her eyes shut and stuck her tongue out at no one in particular. She imagined she did so to her mom. If Dana hated her so much, then fine. Mary was more than happy to get away from her. She figured her mother wouldn't miss her anyway.
"Stupid Mom!" Mary cried out. "I'm gonna find a new mom that'll love me for me, so goodbye forever!"
With one step on the train, a harsh wind blew past her, and she had no chance to even turn back, as everything turned a strange swirl of green and black before going completely dark. The train blinked out of existence.
Leaving absolutely no evidence that Mary Summers had even been at the park.