It's a new "episode", a new day, and four new performers all ready to put their acting skills and their imaginations to the ultimate test. And this time, they all share a major common trait with each other.
Heck, some of them wouldn't be caught dead doing something like this in their canon worlds, but they're all technically dead anyway.
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The establishing shot panned over the entire studio, showing the cheering audience and the four people sitting in the performers' chairs. From left to right: a tall, pale man with black hair, a red coat, and a matching fedora; a very pretty teenage girl with pink hair and wearing a school uniform; an elderly black man wearing a suit and cape; and a flamboyant-looking man with golden hair and wearing an over-the-top outfit of black and gold.
"Good evening, everybody. And welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?! On tonight's show:
"Can't hold down his cherry pie, Alucard from Hellsing!"
The red-clad man tipped his hat towards the camera.
"Walking talking roommate situation, Moka from Rosario + Vampire!"
The teenager grinned broadly.
"His family is composed of nerds, Dracula from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy!"
The old man smiled slyly, trying to look cool.
"You thought it was a man without serious issues, but it was him, DIO from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure!"
The gold-clad man crossed his arms, appearing bored.
"And I'm your host, Hades. Come on down, let's have some fun!"
Hades walked down the stairs and took his seat at the desk as the audience continued to cheer. Things finally calmed down once he sat. He smiled at the camera.
"Hello, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?," he announced. "It's the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yeah, the points are useless, just like the Flash's car. That's right, he has one. Look it up."
Everyone in the studio laughed.
"The main thing to remember in this show is that everything you're about to see tonight is improvised right off the top of the performers' heads based on suggestions from the audience and what's written on these lovely cards I have in my hand. They have never seen these cards before, and neither have I. I'll give some useless points after each round, mostly because I can. At the end, I'll pick out a fake winner, and they get to do a little something special, while the losers have to destroy the evidence."
More laughter.
"And hey, you know what I just noticed?" Hades asked the performers.
"What?" Moka asked.
"All four of you are vampires. We have a matching set tonight!"
That realization hit the performers, and they nodded in surprise. The audience applauded them.
Hades shrugged. "Oh, that means this should be fun. Hey, Dracula. What do you make of you and your fellow performers all being vampires?"
"Dracula don't give two hoots about that. He's seen even weirder malarky than this. But do ya know what really freaks Dracula out?"
"What's that?" Hades asked.
"The guy in the red coat's supposed to be another Dracula!"
Alucard turned his head. "You know I'm sitting over here, right?"
"You think Dracula cares?"
Moka cleared her throat. "Pretty sure you two come from alternate universes, so technically you both can still be Dracula."
Hades nodded. "Besides, he doesn't even go by that name anymore."
"Dracula don't care where Dummy comes from. There's only one Dracula out there, and that's me. Not this Dummy."
"I have a name," Alucard said, annoyed.
"YOUR NAME IS DUMMY! In fact, Dracula's only gonna call ya Dummy for the rest of the time we're here, simply because he wants to."
"I can literally tear you open and devour you, just so you know," Alucard threatened.
"Is that a threat? Dracula'd like to see you try, Dummy!"
At this point, Hades had heard enough. "Hey! Are we here to argue, or are we here to make stuff up? Both of you, zip it or I'll zip it for you. Yes, even you, Alucard. Remember, I'm a god."
Both vampires rolled their eyes. "Fine," Alucard mumbled.
"Still calling you Dummy," Dracula said.
DIO shook his head, trying hard not to laugh. "I wasn't sure at first, but now I'm really glad I'm here."
"Yeah, you better be," Hades said. "Now, let's get the ball rolling with a game called 'Let's Make A Date'. This game is for all four of you. Will the men please sit at the first three stools and read what's on the cards marked with your names? And to yourselves, please. Moka, you take the remaining stool."
All four sat down at their respective stools. Dracula, Alucard, and DIO opened their envelopes and began reading as Hades continued to explain.
"So here's how this game works. Moka is a contestant on a dating-type show, looking for a new guy to go out with.
Moka raised her finger, but Hades raised his hand in response. "This is improv, Moka. So this won't affect your relationship with Tsukune."
Moka nodded. "Oh. Right."
"Anyway, Moka's a contestant on a dating-type show, and she's looking for a date. The other three performers will be the eligible bachelors she has to choose from, all hoping she will end their lives of lonely misery.
"But there's a catch. The point of this game isn't actually for Moka to pick her dream date. You see, all three 'bachelors' have each been given a random quirk or identity that they must act out. None of them have ever seen what's on those cards, it's the first time they've looked at them."
DIO looked back at his card and groaned.
"Sorry, buddy. Anyway, Moka's gonna ask them a series of questions about the 'bachelors' suitability for a date, all while trying to discern who they are. And at the end of the game, she's gonna guess who everyone is. Everyone understand?"
The performers nodded.
"Can I get a different card?" DIO asked.
"No can do, that's not how it works. Anyway, hope you guys don't make it too obvious. So Moka, whenever you're ready, go make a date."
(Let's Make A Date!)
Moka gave a big smile to the guys. "Hi there," she said in her best valley girl accent. "I'm single, looking for a guy, let's see if any of you are my perfect match."
The first person was Dracula. "I'll start with Bachelor #1. I see all people as types of fruit. What fruit do you think you might be?"
(Dracula: Formula One racer trying to get from last place to first.)
"Can't you see Dracula's a little busy right now?" Dracula snapped, pretending to drive a car at high speeds. "Uh, Dracula will just say strawberry. Now leave me alone."
He stared ahead, pretending to make engine noises. He turned his "steering wheel" to the left and leaned to the right. "Yes! Passed another one. And another one. Dracula is one step closer. Take that, suckers!"
Moka didn't have a surefire way to respond. Obviously, this was the first time someone had spoken to her that way. "Okay, I'll get back to you on that one."
The next bachelor was Alucard. "Bachelor #2, I am a girl who loves nice walks on the beaches. I simply must know, do you prefer Venice or Malibu?"
(Alucard: Going through the Five Stages of Grief after losing his beloved goldfish.)
The vampire was "crying" profusely. "Please, don't bring up the ocean. It brings me too much pain." He shook his head. "I had to have imagined it. Yeah, there's no way it could've happened so soon. I'll bet the next time I check, he'll be happy as can be. Nothing wrong with him whatsoever."
He turned his head and looked behind him. "And I'm STILL imagining things. I mean, the bowl's supposed to be full, right? Right?"
Silence.
"WHY ISN'T HE IN THERE?!" he burst out angrily. "He's supposed to be in there. Did he decide he had enough of living with me? Decided it was better to leave forever? Oh, did my best friend really think that? Well, I don't need him. Yep. I am perfectly happy with my own empty bowl, soon to be filled with a new friend."
Moka sighed. "Not touching that with a ten foot pole," she said. "Anyway, Bachelor #3 (DIO), what would be your perfect idea of a first date?"
(DIO: Alucard's bratty, goody-two-shoes, tattletale little brother.)
"How the heck should I know?" DIO asked, raising the pitch on his voice to sound as much like a ten-year-old as possible. "Mommy doesn't want me dating yet, and I always follow the rules. Which is more than I can say for someone here."
He looked at Alucard. "Oooh, you're in so much trouble. You're supposed to be at school, not here. Can't wait to tell Mom and get you grounded."
"Shut up," Alucard seethed. "I'm busy fuming over why my buddy left me."
"Boo hoo."
Moka laughed. "This is way more drama than I've seen on TV. Anyway, back to Bachelor #1. I prefer guys who love adventure. What is the most adventurous thing you've ever done?"
"Are you blind? Dracula doin' it right now!" He continued to "drive" his vehicle, eyes lighting up in excitement. "Just a few more, and I'll be in front of the pack! Woohoo!"
"Yikes, you're certainly a character," Moka said, giggling. "Bachelor #2-"
She was suddenly interrupted by Alucard bolting up off his stool. "PLEASE, BUBBLES! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FORGET TO FEED YOU EARLIER! I WILL DO ANYTHING IF YOU COME BACK TO ME! I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU FLAPPING AROUND IN YOUR BOWL AGAIN!"
"Hey, Dad said no yelling in my presence."
The outburst ended as quickly as it began, however, and Alucard sat back down. This time, he looked absolutely miserable. "Oh, who am I kidding? Bubbles is gone. I forgot to feed him. Flushed him down myself. He's gone. My best friend is gone and he's not coming back."
Some of the audience breathed out, "Awww."
"Sheesh, I didn't know," DIO said. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Maybe I don't have to tell Mom and Dad this time. You seem to be going through enough."
Alucard nodded. "Thank you," he said. "I think I need a hug."
"Hey, I didn't say for you to go that far-"
Too late. Alucard wrapped his arms around DIO, still pretending to cry. "Thank you, I really need this," he sobbed. "Bubbles is in a better place now. Maybe I can finally move on with my life."
"Could you please get off me first?" DIO asked.
Luckily, Alucard was startled into pulling away by a scream coming from Dracula. "Uh oh, I've lost control of this thing!" Dracula stood up, "drove" around the studio, and then finally "crashed" into the back wall. He collapsed, pretending to be dead.
(BUZZ!)
The audience clapped, and Dracula returned to his stool.
"Okay, Moka," Hades said. "Want to take a stab at guessing who these guys are?"
Moka nodded. "Bachelor #1 is definitely either a drag racer or he's in an actual professional race."
"You're on the right track," Hades said. "What kind of racing circuit is very popular in Europe?"
"Oh, he's a Formula One racer!"
"And he's…"
"Trying to get to first place?"
"Yes!"
Moka smiled. "Now, Bachelor #2, I think, is mourning the death of a pet fish?"
"Close enough. He's going through what's called the Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."
"Okay then. And Bachelor #3 is the stereotypical bratty younger sibling."
Hades nodded. "And who is he the younger sibling of?"
"He's Alucard's younger sibling."
"You got it!"
(BUZZ! BUZZ!)
The audience clapped as the buzzer signified the end of the game. Alucard, Moka, Dracula, and DIO returned to their normal seats.
"That was great," Hades said. "1,000 points apiece. And Alucard, was hugging DIO really necessary?"
Alucard shrugged. "Just trying to find emotional support. I mean, Bubbles went belly up. So I needed a friend. Even if said friend happens to be DIO, who I really don't like."
"The feeling's mutual," DIO responded.
"You don't like anyone up there, do you?" Hades asked Alucard.
"Mostly just Dracula and DIO. Moka's fine."
Moka smiled. "Glad I'm not hated."
Hades shrugged. "Now, our next game is called 'Whose Line?'. This is for Alucard and Dracula, both of you come up to the desk. And yes, there's a game on Whose Line Is It Anyway? called 'Whose Line?'. Weird, huh?"
Alucard and Dracula stood up and walked over to the desk.
"So what happens is before the show, we asked our audience to write down some random lines they could come up with," Hades explained. "We picked some good ones so we can give them to our performers."
He handed an envelope each to Dracula and Alucard. "Take the slips of paper in those and stuff them in your pockets WITHOUT reading them."
He continued, "Somewhere in the scene, these guys are gonna have to insert the lines given to them. When they're ready to use one, they'll take a slip of paper out and read what it says. And whatever line it is, no matter how stupid it may be, they have to roll with it.
"The scene is: Alucard is Mina Harker, and she is discussing with Abraham Van Helsing, played by Dracula, over her worries that they won't be able to break the curse Dracula has put on her. In other words, the textbook definition of irony. Just insert those other lines as you go, and take it away when you're ready.
(Whose Line?!)
(Author's Note: All special insert lines will be in italics.)
(Alucard, acting as Mina, is pacing back and forth. His face is full of anxiety.)
Mina (Alucard): I thought you had figured something out by now, Doctor. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to be a vampire.
(Dracula, posing as Van Helsing, turns away from Alucard's face.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): Your case is unique, Mina. Even I haven't dealt with the likes of it before. I said a cure for you was possible, not that it's easy to find. The most likely solution would be to go after Dracula himself.
Mina (Alucard): But he's a super unkillable monster. And sexy too.
(Dracula stifles a laugh, trying to remain in character.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): Don't let Jonathan catch you saying that, but I actually agree.
Mina (Alucard): Oh?
Van Helsing (Dracula): Of course. But we shouldn't let this distract us. If killing Dracula is the only way to break your curse, it must be done. And when it happens, I already know what I'm gonna say to him as I thrust the wooden stake into his chest: 'Yummy, my tater tots are done.'
(The audience laughs, and Dracula stifles another giggle, but Alucard keeps a straight face.)
Mina (Alucard): Might as well. Once that stake is through his heart, he's done like any food you put in a microwave.
Van Helsing (Dracula): Worry not, Mina. Once Dracula is dead, you and Jonathan will be able to live out the remainder of your lives in peace.
Mina (Alucard): Oh, I'll be so happy when this all ends. In fact, I've been writing a love poem for him, for when this is behind us. Roses are red, violets are blue...hold on, I forgot what the next part was. Let me check again... Oh, here it is. 'You just killed my soulmate, you jerk!'
(More laughter. This time, even Alucard has difficulty keeping it together.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): What was that?
Mina (Alucard): Alright, I admit it. I have fallen in love with Dracula. Jonathan is a nice man, but Dracula is everything. He's suave, he's handsome, he's 6'6"! How could I not fall for a man so dashing?
(Dracula shakes his head in response to Alucard's disguised attempt at tooting his own horn.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): How could you do this after everything we've been through? Besides, my version of Dracula is a bit different. In my eyes, he's a funky old man who really knows how to attract the ladies. And he can dance.
Mina (Alucard): The heart wants what the heart wants.
Van Helsing (Dracula): Nonetheless, how could you? In falling for him, you have betrayed your husband and England as a whole. And here's what England as a whole would say to you if she could: 'Justin Bieber, I love you!'
(This time, both men crack along with the audience.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): You know, because...if they love him more than you, you're clearly detestable.
Mina (Alucard): I guess that's fair. Jonathan will always have a special place in my heart, but said heart now belongs to Dracula. I'm going off alone to his castle, where I will sit beside him as his Queen of the Night. But before I go, at least promise to do one last favor.
Van Helsing (Dracula): Which is?
Mina (Alucard): Next time you see Jonathan, tell him the whole truth of where I've gone, and tell him I'm sorry. I have prepared one final goodbye message for him, please tell him that message. And here it is: 'To do a barrel roll, press Z or R twice.'
(Once again, they crack with laughter.)
Van Helsing (Dracula): Very well, Mina. Farewell.
(BUZZ! BUZZZZ!)
Dracula double over, the laughter finally too strong to overcome. Alucard walked back to his seat, but it was clear he had also fully cracked. After a few seconds, Dracula composed himself enough to walk back to his own seat, but he was still laughing. Hades looked at them both, confused.
"Not once did I expect Alucard to actually crack during that," Hades said. "Clearly, this show does its job well."
Alucard shrugged. "Hey, I guess Mina was secretly in love with me."
"Think again, Dummy," Dracula snapped. "She had the hots for Dracula, not you."
"Why would she have the hots for an old man anyway?" Alucard retorted.
"You callin' Dracula old? Dracula gonna come over there and prove he still got fight left!"
"Can it, you two," Hades said. "Anyway, let's move on to a game called 'Scenes From A Hat'. Speaking of which, I actually didn't bring the usual hat here tonight, because there's a different hat I want to use. And someone is wearing it right now."
Everyone looked at Alucard, who immediately understood.
"Wait, why should I let you use my hat?" he asked Hades.
"Because you're here on the show - while competing on another show, I might add - and the only one here with a hat. Besides, who WOULDN'T pass up this opportunity?"
The No-Life King rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, throwing his fedora at Hades, who caught it.
"Thanks for the help," Hades said, putting several yellow slips into the hat. "Now all of you take your positions."
Alucard and Moka took one side of the stage, while Dracula and DIO took the other.
"Now, before the show, we asked our audience to come up with suggestions for scenes they wanted the performers to act out," Hades explained. "We chose the good ones, and I'm gonna draw them out of this big red hat. And we're gonna see how many our performers can do, starting with…"
(Scenes From A Hat!)
"...Lying about the hole in the wall."
The first one up was Dracula. "Are you kidding? That hole's been there the whole time. Don't tell Dracula you only just noticed."
Next was Moka. "Uh, my little cousin wanted to play basketball, but there's no hoop outside. So he improvised. Yeah, that's it."
She walked back to her spot, and Alucard took her place. Appearing almost bored, he pointed at the side of the stage. "DIO did it," he deadpanned.
In response, DIO walked onto the stage with Alucard still standing there and pointed at him. "Nuh uh. Mom, you've got to believe me, it was totally him."
(BUZZ!)
"That's exactly what happens when you have a sibling," Hades said.
"I can definitely relate," Moka said.
Hades read the next slip. "How to make an awkward first date less awkward...hopefully."
"Someone actually added the 'hopefully' bit?" DIO asked.
"Guess they were being thorough," Hades suggested.
DIO stepped up, beckoning Moka to join him. "Oh dear, this date isn't going at all well," DIO said. "Fortunately, I have a way to fix it." He then proceeded to "drink" Moka's blood. Moka writhed on the ground, pretending to be in pain until DIO had completely "drained" her of blood.
"Just wonderful, I was about to use that one," Alucard muttered.
Then Dracula walked up. "Hey, baby. Wanna see Dracula dance?" He started dancing again.
(BUZZ!)
"Cringe catchphrases."
Alucard walked up. "There's no 'I' in 'team'."
He was followed by Moka. "I'd do that for a dollar," she said.
DIO had one too. "You thought this was a man with a cringe catchphrase, but it was I! DIO!"
Hades rolled his eyes. "I knew he wouldn't resist."
Then Dracula came up with one...or several. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, or else you'll be barking up the wrong tree. Instead, we all must raise the bar and take it to the next level (by this point, everyone in the audience was groaning). The bottom line is we have to play hardball…"
"This can't be happening, can it?" Moka asked.
"...because if we don't, it's back to the drawing board."
(BUZZ!)
Dracula wasn't done. "That should be our game plan going forward. We have to push the envelope and give 110% if we want this to be a win-win situation."
(BUZZ!)
"What we need is some synergy. We need to make this the best thing since sliced bread, otherwise-"
"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Alucard, Moka, DIO, and Hades all said in unison, causing the audience to burst out laughing. Finally getting the hint, Dracula returned to his spot.
Hades rubbed his eyebrows. "That was just painful," he groaned. Then he read the next slip. "Hey, this one fits you guys. What vampires are really doing during the day other than sleeping."
DIO walked up and faced the camera. Then he held up a "remote" and hit the "channel button". Dracula provided the sounds for each channel.
"This is the 6 o' clock news-"
*click*
"But I love you, Ross-"
*click*
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry-"
*click*
"Take off your jacket and get out!"
(BUZZ!)
"And here I thought my own life was mundane," Hades said.
He read the next slip of paper. "If iconic movie lines were said by characters from other movies."
Moka stepped up first. "Toto, not in Kansas anymore, I feel." She was clearly trying to do a Yoda impression.
Then Alucard walked up. "I'm king of the world," he said while sounding like the Terminator.
Dracula had one too. "You've got to ask yourself one question, McClane" he said while mimicking Hans Gruber. "'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"
Alucard came back to do a second one, bringing Moka with him. "I'm Jay, and this is Silent Bob," he said, trying to sound as laid back as possible. "You're the f***ing a******* that killed my father, so now we gotta show you what for." Next to him, Moka nodded silently.
(BUZZ!)
"If stuffed animals could talk."
DIO stepped up. "Play with me," he said creepily. "Plaaaaay with me…"
Hades shivered. "Yikes."
Then Moka came up with one. "Oh, come on. You haven't held me as you sleep in forever. And don't use 'I'm an adult now' as an excuse. Who else is gonna protect you from the Boogeyman?"
(BUZZ!)
"What babies are thinking of when they're in their mother's belly?"
Alucard walked onstage to give his answer. "Why is it so dark in here?"
Dracula walked up next. "Ugh, is she watching The Bachelor again? Hey, lady! You know that show isn't real, right?"
(BUZZ!)
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Hades complained. "Things that would cause a Hades spit-take." Appropriately, he took a sip out of his mug.
(Author's Note: As I mentioned before, I will try to make as much of the content in the games as possible come from my mind and yours, even if the topic also comes from the real show, However, there will occasionally be an actual moment borrowed from the real thing, such as what you're about to read, because I can't resist. Everyone, brace yourselves.)
DIO walked up and beckoned Alucard to join him. A second later, DIO pulled Alucard in and kissed him on the lips. Predictably, the audience went nuts, and Hades ended up doing an actual spit-take. Only two seconds later, DIO pushed Alucard away and returned to his spot. Alucard just stood there, dumbstruck.
(BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZZZ!)
The audience was still going nuts. Alucard hurried back to his seat faster than anyone else. In fact, once he and DIO were sitting, they immediately went for the water pitchers (they were actually filled with blood this time to accomodate for the performers) and began gurgling to wash their mouths out.
Hades was clearly disturbed. "Well, there's an image that will keep me awake for years to come," he said. "I'm just gonna use all the points for this round to wash my eyes out. Cool? Cool."
Alucard spat a few times. "Hey DIO, you know your odds of beating me in the Death Battle we're supposed to get one day? They just got worse. Drastically."
"At least you admit I HAVE odds," DIO said, also spitting out into a cup. "And it was no picnic for me either."
"Mark my words, you're going to pay for that."
"Fair."
Hades shook his head. "I should invite you two onto the show more often," he said. "On that note, we're gonna go see a commercial. But don't go anywhere, because we have more Whose Line?, right after this!"
He then threw the fedora back at Alucard.
(Commercial…)
"Are you tired of eating the same old jelly beans you've been eating your entire life? Would you like those jelly beans to be a bit more fun, and even somewhat risky? Well, I have a solution for you. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!
"We got some of your favorite flavors, as well as a few others that you would normally never see as an ordinary jelly bean. Will your mouth be filled with the heavenly taste of strawberry, or would you dare to try one that makes you feel like you're eating dirt? No kidding, there's a dirt-flavored bean.
"So if you're wishing your beans were a bit more daring, try Bertie Botts! Available at Honeydukes, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, and now the candy shop in Peach Creek."
(Back to the show…)
The audience applauded as the show came back on. "Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?," Hades said to the camera. "It's the only place in the world where we can gather a group of vampires together and no one is in danger of getting their blood drained. Well, that and the Twilight franchise, because those aren't real vampires."
"So glad you agree," Alucard added.
Hades chuckled. "Alright, we still have a show to do. The next game is called 'Scene to Rap'. This is for all four of you. DIO and Moka will start it off, and Alucard and Dracula will join them later on."
DIO and Moka moved to the stage, while Alucard and Dracula stood just off to the side.
"So what's happening here is everyone's gonna act out a scene," Hades explained. "But instead of conventional dialogue, everyone's gonna rap it to some music done by our live band. Now, what we now need from the audience is a type of natural disaster."
Right away, the audience began shouting out suggestions.
"Sandstorm."
"Blizzard."
"Tsunami."
The god nodded. "I heard 'blizzard'. That's a good one. So, you guys are rapping about a blizzard. Take it away."
(Scene to Rap!)
(The music starts as a funky rap beat. Moka and DIO are slightly dancing to the beat.)
DIO: First snowfall of the year
Can't help but enjoy it, and I'm cozy right here.
Gonna fix us up some hot cocoa
That should warm us up and- uh oh!
Just looked out the window and it can't be
White as far as the eye can see
Can't see three feet in front of me
This could all end horribly.
Moka: Calm down, man. No need to fret.
I'll call for help, they'll save us yet.
(She checks her "phone".)
Oh, this isn't good, phone lines are down
I don't know what else to do now
And now the power's out, oh dear, oh dear
If we don't get help, we'll die right here!
(Moka and DIO begin "shivering", all while still dancing to the music. Alucard walks in, also dancing and "shivering".)
Alucard: Hey there, guys, it's your neighbor Jim
I thought I'd come here and see how you've been
You guys need help to survive the storm?
I'll go get some stuff to keep us warm.
Moka: Thank you, sir. We need the help.
Some nice, thick blankets would be swell.
But wait! A snowdrift has blocked the way.
We're all trapped now, here to stay.
DIO: This isn't good, we're all in trouble
We need rescue on the double.
Alucard: The snow outside is just enormous
We're begging, please, somebody help us!
(Dracula walks in.)
Dracula: This blizzard is becoming a bother
But don't fear me, I'm your fairy godmother
If you want to survive, this can't be beat
You must move to create body heat
If you want to live, this is your one chance
All you have to do is this little dance!
(He begins doing that "dance" in which Dracula is known to do. The other three stop and look at him, confused. Dracula notices.)
Dracula: Come on, guys. You have to try
If you don't, you're all gonna die!
(Still confused, the other three obey Dracula and begin dancing the same way as him. This goes on for several seconds longer than necessary.)
DIO: (breaks character while still dancing) Just hit the buzzer already!
(BUZZZ! BUZZZZZZ! BUZZ!)
The audience burst into laughter, as did Hades. The four performers stopped dancing and returned to their seats (with DIO, Alucard, and Moka clearly relieved the game was over).
It took a few seconds for Hades to stop laughing. "Oh, Styx," he said, wiping away a tear. "That was just awesome. 10,000 points to Dracula for actually getting everyone to do the dance with him."
Alucard shivered in disgust. "Is this how I am portrayed nowadays? It's sickening."
"You're just jealous you don't have as much groove as Dracula," Dracula remarked. "Chew on that, Dummy."
Hades laughed. "I just love seeing the tension between our performers tonight. Ratings dynamite, right here!"
"Reality TV in a nutshell," DIO remarked.
"I know, right? Okay, our next game is called 'Helping Hands', and it's for DIO, Alucard, and Moka. Will all three of you come up and put on the provided costume pieces?"
A table had been set up on the stage, carrying a large teapot, several teacups, and various pastries, all on a linen tablecloth. Moka pulled a white dress over her head and put on a headband. DIO's costume was a Victorian-era shirt/tie/jacket ensemble, along with a rather large satin green tophat. Alucard, however, was only given a jacket identical to the one DIO got.
"Be warned, this game will likely get messy," Hades explained. "The way this works, Moka and DIO are gonna act out a scene together using everything on that table. The trick is, while Moka can move freely, DIO is not allowed to use his arms and hands. He'll have them behind his back at all times, he can't use them at all.
"This is where Alucard comes in. Throughout the entire scene, he'll have his own arms through DIO's armpits, and he'll provide all the arm work for DIO. Whatever DIO wants to grab, Alucard will grab. And bear in mind, Alucard likely won't even be able to see the table past that hat, even with his height, so this will end as well as you all hope."
The audience laughed. "We're screwed," DIO moaned.
"Too bad. Also, if you're the type of vampires who can't eat human food (*ahem*, Alucard), no need to worry. Every food item on the table, plus the tea, was specially prepared to cater you guys. In other words, blood was incorporated into all of it. So Moka and DIO, you should be fine.
"The scene is: Moka is Alice, and she is at a tea party hosted by the Mad Hatter, played by DIO. And they're celebrating Moka's unbirthday. So Alice, Mad Hatter, tea party, Alucard is DIO's "hands". Start when you guys are ready."
(Helping Hands!)
(The Mad Hatter, played by DIO, is waving his "arms" and beckoning Alice, played by Moka, forward.)
Mad Hatter (DIO): I must say, I am so glad I got to throw this unbirthday for you. Everyone only has one birthday a year, but 364 unbirthdays. Truly special days indeed.
(He flourishes his "hands" as if trying to express the importance of unbirthdays.)
Alice (Moka): Hey, I've seen even weirder stuff since falling down that rabbit hole.
Mad Hatter (DIO): One must simply open their minds to these. Now, would you care for a scone? Made them myself.
Alice (Moka): Oh yes, please.
(DIO claps his "hands" in excitement.)
Mad Hatter (DIO): Fantastic! Now, let me grab the platter here carrying those scones. It's just over here, a little to my left...a little more...wrong way...there we go, here it is. And might I add, they smell even better than the Queen of Hearts' garden. Oh, how I must try one myself!
("He" practically shoves the entire scone into his mouth. Some of the crumbs end up covering his face. He stops and smiles, his mouth full.)
Alice (Moka): Must be really good if you're able to eat it like that.
(DIO nods, then spits the wad of scone and saliva into his "hands", before throwing said wad into the trash can next to him.)
Hatter (DIO): Delicious. Hey, there's a platter here for spreading jam onto biscuits. Allow me to make one for you.
("He" begins spreading jam onto a biscuit with a butter knife, albeit clumsily.)
So, how are you enjoying this world? Beats the hell out of a bear wrestling a penguin, huh?
Alice (Moka): Well it's definitely interesting. The animals here actually talk and wear clothes.
Hatter (DIO): You mean the animals where you come from do NOT?! How very odd indeed.
Alice (Moka): Says the man who asked me why a raven was like a desk.
Hatter (DIO): Hey, blame the mercury. I just can't find a better ingredient for my hat glue. Now, this biscuit looks about ready. Want the first taste?
Alice (Moka): Uh, sure.
(The biscuit is clumsily shoved into her mouth, covering her face with strawberry jam. She swallows.)
Alice (Moka): I've had worse.
Hatter (DIO): I know. Now I kinda want to try these egg salad finger sandwiches. I made them myself, but I don't know what they taste like yet.
Alice (Moka): Don't people usually taste the food they cook before serving it?
Hatter (DIO): Gimme a break, I'm nuts. Hey, these things are so small I bet I could fit two in my mouth at once.
("He" picks up two sandwiches, one in each of his "hands.")
Alice (Moka): You sure?
Hatter (DIO): Again, I'm crazy. YOLO!
(Both sandwiches are shoved into DIO's mouth at once. He spends time trying to chew before spitting the food back onto his hands and throwing it away.)
Hatter (DIO): See, now what did I tell you? I think it's time I wash that all down with some tea.
("DIO" takes the teapot and pours two cups of tea, handing one to Moka. They both drink their cups, though part of DIO's tea ends up spilling on his face and "hands". Thankfully, while the tea is hot, it isn't quite hot enough to severely burn anyone.)
Hatter (DIO): That was fun. We should have tea parties more often.
(BUZZ!)
As the audience applauded, all three performers grabbed towels to wipe down their hands and faces. Alucard was seen putting hand sanitizer on his hands as he walked back to his seat, the other two in tow. Hades smiled at them.
"So how was that, guys?" he asked.
"How long has all that food been sitting out?" Moka asked.
"By what I can tell, hours," DIO answered.
"At least you guys didn't have chewed-up egg salad sandwiches spat out on your hands," Alucard said.
DIO shrugged. "Based on what just happened, I think it's better to be the 'hands' than the 'actor' in that game."
Alucard rolled his eyes. "Speak for yourself."
Hades smiled. "Alright, we'll be right back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?, right after this! Stay where you are."
(Commercial…)
"This is your garage."
An average, boring-looking garage.
"And this is your garage with a motorcycle in it."
A party was being thrown in the garage, with tons of people fawning at the fancy bike in the center.
"Any questions?"
Jim's Motorcycle Retailer and Repair Shop: Normal Bikes, Superhero Bikes, Duel Runners, and more!
(Back to the show…)
All four performers were standing on the stage when the show came back on, while Hades was still at his desk.
"Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?," Hades announced. "Tonight's winners, all four of you awesome creatures of the night!"
DIO threw his fist up in jubilation, Dracula nodded, Moka waved at the audience, and Alucard simply looked pleased with himself.
"And as everyone's reward for winning the day, they're gonna entertain us all with a 'Hoedown'! They're all gonna go one stanza at a time, singing about a random topic. You four, go ahead and decide what order you're gonna do this. As for the audience, what we need is a topic that would likely be very important to a vampire."
As the performers scrambled around to decide their order, the audience began shouting out suggestions.
"Blood!"
"Avoiding garlic!"
"Sleeping all day!"
"Dental care!"
Hades looked up. "I heard 'dental care'. Makes sense, given their fangs. That's an excellent one, let's do it."
On the stage, the order had been set: Moka, Dracula, Alucard, DIO.
"You guys ready?" Hades asked, and the performers nodded. "Great. Then let's do the Dental Care 'Hoedown'. Take it away, piano girl.
(Hoedown!)
(Theme: Dental Care)
(The music starts, and the performers are slightly nodding to the tune. Moka gives a sharp nod when she has come up with a verse, and she begins to sing.)
Moka: Being a vampire, my teeth are dear to me.
I brush them every day and keep them sharp as can be.
But I do not kill with them, that's not my kind of crud.
I mostly use them to drink my boyfriend's delicious blood!
(The audience laughs, and Moka steps back, smiling despite her embarrassment. Up next is Dracula.)
Dracula: Every six months, I sit in the dentist's chair.
She is from the Underworld, no others anywhere.
When I try and see a human one, they scream and run real quick.
Though I don't even suck blood now 'cause I do the scrape-and-lick!
(To prove his point, he demonstrates the 'scrape-and-lick' technique, much to the audience's excitement. The third performer, Alucard, smiled devilishly.)
(Author's Note: Be warned, Alucard's verse is a little graphic.)
Alucard: I went to the dentist once 'cause Integra insisted.
I was not pleased at all, I fought and I resisted.
My fury was so great that when I met the man I broke.
I tore apart his insides and I splayed open his throat!
(The audience gives a mixed reaction of laughter and horror, and even Hades gives Alucard a "what the hell" type of look.)
DIO: There goes my rhyme.
Moka: You have a backup plan, right?"
DIO: Yes, actually.
(He pauses for a second before his verse begins.)
DIO: My fangs are my pride and joy, I clean them everyday.
I brush them and I floss them in my own special way.
But when I get home tonight, that all will be hard.
I'll have to clean them twice because I kissed Alucard!
All: I kissed Alucard!
…
DIO, out of all four, had gotten the biggest audience response of the game with his verse. Hades was doubled over the desk, laughing uncontrollably. Moka and Dracula were crouched on the ground, also in a fit of laughter. The only one in the entire studio who wasn't laughing was Alucard. In fact, he looked thoroughly unamused. He started at the camera, shaking his head.
"I would say I hate my life, but I'm technically not even alive," Alucard deadpanned.
Hades had finally stopped laughing, though he was wiping tears from his eyes. "That was a great way to end it," he said. "Now, to end the show, we're gonna have Dracula read the credits. Dracula, I want you to read the credits while teaching a dance class, and you're teaching the other three there how to do your dance. Thanks for watching, goodnight!"
Dracula moved to one side of the stage, while the other three lined up. The rest of the broadcast consisted of DIO, Alucard, and Moka trying to copy Dracula's moves, with pointless criticisms being barked out at them every few seconds.
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I just did the impossible. I gathered a group of vampires to do improv, and nobody died.
To sum this up: Moka found three people she certainly DOESN'T want to date, Mina Harker had a secret crush on Dracula, DIO kissed Alucard, bad dancing can help you survive a blizzard, tea parties are fun when someone tries to be someone else's hands, a vampires really care about their teeth. And they went through that without attacking the mostly-mortal audience out of annoyance. Thumbs up!
Big thanks to Vegetalucard, who gave me the idea to have all four characters together for an episode, as well as the Dental Care 'Hoedown'. Also, thanks to FireFlamerx9z for the 'Scenes From A Hat' on awkward first dates, MemeKing the Third for the ones about the hole in the wall and the catchphrases, and to everyone else because they had to deal with problems on the site that caused a lot of people to not read the last chapter. Hopefully, this one won't have the same problems.
As you'll notice, some games are getting second or even third appearances. That will be normal, since there are only so many games. Still, there will be a steady stream of games I haven't done yet, some of which I am really excited to try out. I've only scratched the surface of what's available.
I know I had expressed my wish not to upload this until the next Ridonculous Race chapter was uploaded, but that's going slower than I hoped it would, because I'm having trouble with the Disney task. Should I find a way to include the scenes of all the teams? Even I shudder thinking about that prospect. If you have ideas, let me know.
Also, within a couple days, you all should expect the little Christmas story special with everyone from my stories singing "Do They Know It's Christmas?". I've decided to release it as a separate story, so look forward to that sometime before Friday.
That's about all I have to say, so feel free to send in whatever suggestions you have for games, characters, topics, and the like. There is absolutely no plan yet for the next chapter, so go nuts like the Mad Hatter.
So remember to read and review, fave and follow, send in suggestions to help this story, check out my other stories (finished and unfinished), and have a good holidays!
I will see you all again soon. TheMasterKat out!