The aftermath of Sherry Chapter 10: Love in between courage and cowardice

A/N: Hi peeps! Finally got my lazy, on writer's block, ass to finish this chapter. Mind you, it was sitting on my computer since February. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Loving someone doesn't necessarily bring entitlement over them. So, Nope! I do not own nor do I claim ownership of these DC characters.

Shinichi

It's Friday night again and I tried to casually wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans a couple of times now.

I never had this type of problem before. Not when I'm running on the football field or when I'm gunning to chase after a criminal but apparently, the woman sitting on the passenger seat could do it to me.

We have always shared a seat as Ai and Conan before, which is far more rather intimate than we are seated now but the rising warmth on my cheeks, to my misery; do not listen to this logic.

And all she does is stay on her seat as she constantly taps her phone screen.

We just finished a case and are headed to Agasa's house for dinner. It's been a week since that moment on her balcony but we still haven't talked about it. We probably should, but neither of us is taking a step to initiate it. I guess it's more convenient that way.

I guess we're too embarrassed or too scared to seek the answers.

What a fragile thing a human heart can be and I guess we're both cowards.

I sighed.

" What are you doing on your phone, anyway?"

This got her attention and I caught her turquoise irises as she finally lifted her gaze from the electronic device in her hand.

"Making a playlist."

Right. " Of course you would do that"

" Just because you don't have any skill set in organizing, doesn't mean that I couldn't"

The urge to roll my eyes was so strong but I fought against it. It's a habit that I'm totally oblivious to or at least until a week ago when Ran and Heiji pointed it out to me.

And later, when Ran was gone, it's something the detective did not fail to tease me about. I, apparently, am becoming to act more like Ai. I immediately denied it as a knee-jerk reaction but the smirk on my best friend's face says I have long lost this battle. Being a naturally competitive and proud person, I hated to lose an argument but this time, I didn't mind.

Probably because deep inside, I knew it was true. Being with Ai, fighting, and having endless banters with her almost every day was definitely something that I have been used to. Even more so, something I have grown to love and look forward to.

" What playlists do you make in there anyway? " I asked as stole a quick glance on her phone.

What I saw made me raise an eyebrow at her. " Back to black? Really?"

She answered with a shrug. " That's not even my idea. Rei made it. It's supposed to be some sort of catharsis. A way to release some inner angst."

That's probably true. I know for sure that beneath Ai's cool and calm exterior is a storm of suppressed emotions, but the fact that Rei had acknowledged it first and actually made her do it unsettles me.

So I snorted, which she immediately countered with a reprimanding glare.

" Oh, cut it. I don't know what your problem with him right now. I seem to recall that you have no qualm of working with him behind my back before."

I opened my mouth to rebut but decidedly closed it again. I have been saying 'I don't know' to myself so often whenever I ask myself the same question.

And it happens so often that it began to feel like a lie.

I don't have any problem with lying to myself. I had clung to the little untruths that I kept whispering to myself at night for the last few years. The problem with this is that it became easier and easier until it finally felt natural, pathological.

But I can never lie to her. I choose not to.

So I sealed my lips and swallowed back the words that had kept crawling their way up my throat.

I Braced myself for my eventual defeat.

Because with her, all I do is lose.

Only with her.

For her.

Seeing the white Mazda parked by the road of the professor's house effectively put me in a sour mood again.

Of course, she invited him. They are practically joined at the hip these days, except for the times when Rei had to go out of the city for a couple of days for work. I silently love those times more. I'm still not getting used to the idea of sharing Ai's time and attention.

We found him wearing an apron in the kitchen with Hakase.

" Glad to know that the kitchen is still intact" Ai said beside me with a teasing grin.

" You know I keep things safe in my hands" The blonde-haired man said while casually throwing a wink in her direction.

This time, I did not stop myself from rolling my eyes.

Seeing this, Furuya let out a low chuckle. " Nice to see you too, Kudo."

"You don't have to look constipated the entire time I'm here, you know. Plus it's not a good look if you're trying to impress a girl"

That came from a voice that's desperate to ruin my entire night. He was everywhere and the more I try to ignore it, the more I get irritated. The back garden was my only hope but clearly, he followed me too.

"I'm not sure how much you know about girls but I'm pretty sure that expression right there isn't helping."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said while moving away from the house, praying that Hakase and Haibara were still busy doing god knows what inside.

I don't want to go where Rei wanted the discussion to go but I heard his strides behind me, eliminating the tiny hope I had of escaping.

"Come on kid. We both know that you know what I'm talking about. Pretending to be stupid does not suit you."

He was met with silence but the drumming on my chest and on my ears was anything but quiet.

This did not stop him though. "Do you love her?"

I whipped my head in his direction. I could practically feel my blood boils beneath my skin.

Anger simmered, threatening to spill on the edges of my usually cool temper.

"I don't think that is any of your business." I said as I tried to warn him with my eyes.

"I do like her. A lot. So I think it is my business to know my competitors, don't you think so?"

I was suddenly surprised with the admission and the challenge in his sharp eyes. For the length of time that I knew him, he's usually a pretty calm and cheery guy. But none of his playful persona is on display tonight, which is pretty telling that he's is indeed serious about this.

And I should be happy, should I not?

God knows Ai deserves all the happiness and love in the world.

But would I be okay if she finds it in another person?

Seeing my obvious reverie and confusion brought some gentleness back into Rei's feature. A sigh heaved in his chest and it seems like I can practically hear him curse, mentally.

He took a few steps forward until his by my side and I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

"Kid, you should really figure out whatever it is that you feel towards her. Avoidance doesn't make it go away. Don't hold her back. She needed to move on and you need to give her that chance."

A shudder passed right through me with his last sentence. "Don't you think I know that? Ai…She matters to me more than you think she does. I want nothing but to see her get past all her demons and be truly happy. I was there. I've seen her at her worst, what made you think that you know her better than I do?"

Memories of her frozen to the ground, paralyzed by fear flooded my mind.

Ai sitting on that damn bus, determined and resigned, like it's not about to explode any minute-believing that her existence only puts people in danger.

Ai was battered and bloody on the rooftop as Gin tried to kill her slowly and painfully.

Bile rose on my throat and I shut my eyes to keep those horrid scenarios at bay.

"Then stop being a coward and selfish. I'm giving you a chance but I won't pull any punches either. She does not deserve someone who can't even admit to himself that he fucking loves her"

"It's not that simple."

"Nothing ever is simple. But that does not excuse confusing and stringing people along."

It was like a punch to the gut. That was the truth in broad daylight and I can't seem to find any words to describe what I feel or to even defend my actions. Maybe because deep inside me, I know that it is all true. That I'm a horrible person for hurting the people whom I love.

"She told me about the thing on the balcony"

Pain seized my chest. 'why?'

Seeing the question on my face, he answered. "She wanted to be honest and felt like I should know, which I am quite relieved for. You have to understand that we're not dating yet, but we are in a good place. She's good for me and I want to be better for her. I would be lying if I say that I don't crave to be with her because I do, but I won't rush her if she's not yet ready to entirely move forward. What matters to me is she talking steps to be there. I might love her but I'm not going to impose such pressure on her. It's always going to be her decision whenever she's ready to make one. I want her to be with me on her own terms and not just because she needs me or that I make her solitude more bearable. I would gladly accept heartbreak as long as I see that girl happy. She deserves nothing less. She always sacrifices her happiness for everybody else and I think it's about time that somebody returns the favor."

Staring at the ground, I balled up my fist and squeezed it harder until my nails leave indentions on my own skin.

"So I ask you now, do you love her?"