for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
Your eyes are hot and you are burning with humiliation.
It is not that Lucas intends to humiliate you, of course not.
It is just the fact of your existence in front of him, your bearing at this very moment that ignites the horror within your heart. You feel as though you cannot hold your head up in front of him so you drop your line of vision, going still when your sight catches on golden eyes.
The shinx?
"Glen?" says Lucas again, his voice painfully soft. "Are you okay?"
How did the shinx find you again? How did Lucas find you at all? Was this shinx one of his pokemon?
You focus hard on these questions to avoid looking anywhere at Lucas or thinking any harder about the current situation. The shinx bounds over and curls around your ankles, purring.
"Glen?"
You clear your throat too loud and manage to avoid wincing at the soreness. You point at the shinx, still avoiding his gaze. It looks up at you, noticing your sudden motion, and mews.
"Oh, him? Is he one of your pokemon? He just came up to me out of nowhere and started — hey wait a minute. Don't change the subject." He takes a deep breath and continues, "Is everything alright?"
You can hear the worry in his voice and guilt begins to rise. You are desperate to change the subject.
"Glen are you — are you injured?"
At this you shake your head, still looking away. A moment passes and Lucas sighs.
"Alright," he says softly. "As long as you're not hurt."
He offers you his hand. "Come on, then. You're probably not going to sleep anytime soon either, huh?"
The tremor that passes through you at that question is communicated through your fingers as you take his hand. He tightens his grasp just the slightest bit, offering silent comfort. "Okay, that's fine. Everything's going to be fine."
The shinx butts its head against your leg in agreement with boisterous meow and decides to run a quick circle around you both.
"Huh," says Lucas. "Are you sure he's not one of yours?"
The shinx runs ahead and then comes back and takes a look at you again, his tail thrashing. He meows again louder, wanting you to follow. A pang goes through your chest, a mixture of pained longing and something else, something softer.
You think you would like him to be but you answer the question without mentioning that.
You point at the clip that holds Berry's pokeball and nothing else. Lucas hums under his breath.
"Hmm alright," he says. "You're a new trainer so I was going to run you through how to catch a pokemon anyways. I needed to do some data collection tonight, but I'll let you have this one."
The shinx perks up.
"Rrrowr!"
Lucas laughs and pulls a pokeball out of one of his pockets. "Okay calm down, buddy. We're getting to it. Well, I don't really think you'll need to catch him the usual way. He seems to like you a lot. Want to give it a try?"
The smile that forms on your face is unsteady but no less honest for it. It is answer enough. Lucas's eyes grow soft. He hands you the pokeball and the two of you crouch down.
The shinx comes over to you immediately and rubs its cheeks against yours. Without any further prompting he butts his head against the pokeball. Blue light flashes in front of you.
The pokeball shakes once, twice, three times and then lights up with a decisive click.
Spruce, you decide.
"Oh, really?" says Lucas. "Why Spruce?"
You hesitate for a moment, considering, but give him the answer in the end.
It's always safest under the spruce trees.
And in a way this shinx had saved you.
Lucas makes a thoughtful sound.
You click the pokeball and light flashes again. This time shinx reaches up with its paws against your chest and taps your nose with its own. You nudge back gently.
Hello...Spruce.
You worry a little about the name now that you've said it. Maybe he'd like a lighter one? Something with more spark to match his demeanor?
Mm! Hello! I will protect you. Promise!
Up close his eyes are almost glowing. His teeth are pointed and sharp. Spruce rushes in to rub his fluffy head underneath your chin with a happy growl and then bounces back on his paws.
We're ready to go now, right? Go, go, go!
He runs a circle around himself, catches sight of his tail and then decides to chase it. You can't help but laugh as you get up to your feet. Spruce is a whirlwind of energy, throwing off golden light in his excitement. Safety in glowing eyes. Your new friend is familiar in all the best ways.
Lucas's smile shines in the dark and the happiness in it mirrors your own. He sounds much more relaxed when he says, "Are we ready to go?"
You nod and let him lead you back to the road.
Checking over several patches of grass, Lucas steps into one of them and motions for you to stay put. His footsteps are silent as he checks the grass for the pokemon he wants. When he catches sight of it, he lets his pokemon out and the battle begins.
Jewel knocks the other pokemon back with a well placed water attack and as it wobbles on its feet Lucas throws out a pokeball. You can hear the click from where you are. Lucas turns to you with a thumbs up which you return with two. Jewel returns to his pokeball with a cheerful wave and Lucas walks back to you.
"And that's how you do it the regular way," he says, putting the pokeball with his newly caught 'mon away. "I'm just going to let this little guy rest for a while. Will you be letting Spruce stay out of his pokeball?"
You both look at Spruce who has graduated from chasing his tail and is now pouncing at the shadows dancing in moonlight. You decide to let him stay out. Despite the hour, he doesn't seem the slightest bit tired. You tell Lucas so and he hums.
"Mm, good choice," he says, rummaging through his bag and then filling your hands with pokeballs and potions.
You stare at him with the unexpected load in your arms. He gestures for you to put them away and you do so on autopilot. He continues speaking, not acknowledging his actions in the slightest, as if he hadn't given you anything at all.
"He's got a lot of energy to burn off. Think he'll really keep you on your toes, this one."
Spruce turns towards him and flashes his teeth with a low, rolling mrrr.
"Haha, that's what I thought! Alright Glen, it's a straightforward journey from here to Jubilife but how about we go together? I wouldn't mind the company."
He's still a little worried you can tell but he keeps his tone light. You nod and offer your hand this time. He takes it.
"So," he begins as you start walking. "You want to hear about the latest project at the lab? Yeah? Okay well recently the professor's gotten his hands on this pretty rare —"
● • ● • • ● • ●
Somehow, Lucas manages to keep up the thread of conversation all the way up to Jubilife City. He stops only to offer you some snacks (you do get to try the berry pie after all!) and a cup of hot tea from a travel thermos.
By the time you stop at Jubilife City's gates you have a concrete understanding of the professor's latest research goals and the data collection Lucas has been doing to narrow down the field of effect.
Spruce on the other hand had looked like he was going to fall asleep the entire time Lucas was talking. He spent the majority of the journey running off into the distance but keeping you in his sights, only perking up when it was time for battles with the trainers and pokemon in the area. Now he was safe in his pokeball, resting after several back-to-back battles in the wild.
"Here it is," says Lucas, taking a break from describing some of the more specific pokedex functions. "Jubilife City! I know it's a lot so take your time and get ready before we go in, alright?"
It is a lot but having Lucas there helps quite a bit. He seems used to taking care of people and he does it in a way that isn't intrusive or pitying. You wonder if it comes from being an older sibling and strangle that line of thought right after. You can't downplay it like that. Either way, you resolve to pay him back for all the kindness he's shown you.
Jubilife City is loud and condensed, with tall buildings layered as far as the eye can see. Walking into the city is like stepping into another world. The low-level buzz in your mind is immediately overridden by the cacophony of sounds that Jubilife throws at you. It's enough to make you dizzy but you're determined not to rely on Lucas too much. You catch sight of the red roof of a pokemon center and head straight towards it.
Someone swoops in to intercept you before you can reach your destination. You look up. And up. And up some more. A man in a long, windblown overcoat stands in front of you. He looks at you and Lucas.
"Um hello," says Lucas. "Can we help you?"
The man clears his throat at once and introduces himself with flair as part of the Interpol, the International Police. It's a little-known but sprawling organization with high prestige and the stringent rules to maintain it. His words come to a halt right before he mentions his name and he frowns for a bit.
"My code name, it is Looker. It is what they all call me," he says, having finally decided on what to say. His voice has an odd burr to it and he rolls his words just the slightest bit, like he's still not used to saying to them. Or maybe not used to saying them in this language?
A strange man to be sure but his tone is sincere and his eyes are honest as he urges you to stay safe and keep an eye out for strange individuals. He's investigating a strange group named Team Galactic, he tells you. It's the first time you've ever heard the words Team Galactic but it sparks a sense of memory somehow.
Your jaw tightens involuntarily, teeth at the ready as if wanting to bite down on something you can't see and tear it open. Something glowing and solid. Not to destroy it you realize. Just to rip it apart and see what's on the inside.
You want to avoid Mr. Looker's gaze so you bow your head in thanks. Mr. Looker blinks at you, bemused and then he gives you both his farewells and goes back on watch.
"Strange guy," says Lucas in a low voice, watching Mr. Looker dodge between street-lamps and vanish into the shadows. He turns to look at you. "But he had a point, you know. Be careful out there. Keep your head on a swivel."
He purses his lips and squints at you. You get the strange feeling that he's just barely holding himself back from telling you not to follow strangers or take food from people you don't know. You feel a mixture of amusement and surprisingly fond exasperation.
I can take care of myself, you know. Really.
Lucas startles. "Huh? Yeah I knew that uh — know that. I'm just a worrywart, you know?" He clears his throat. "Anyways! I know you're plenty strong and you've got lots of guts. You'll be okay, I'm sure but since you're traveling on your own make sure to take extra caution. I'll be doing the same too, of course."
You nod firmly and Lucas pats your head. "Alright, then! I've gotta go now. See you around, Glen. Safe travels!"
You wave a fond farewell that he returns and soon he's completely out of sight, lost in the fray of a city that is remarkably awake for the current hour. You scan your surroundings to get your bearings again and head to the pokecenter. Once there you swipe your ID at the counter and have one of the nurses on duty take your pokemon for healing.
There's something extremely relaxing about being in the pokecenter. Maybe it's the airy music or the low chatter of pokemon and trainers. Perhaps the way the nurses give you your space as soon as they see the tension rise in your shoulders when one of them comes too close. Your pokeballs are back in your possession in no time. The nurse that assures you of their health is soft-spoken and stands at a polite distance.
"You're a new trainer, huh?" She says. "We get a lot of newcomers coming through this city because of the Pokemon School. It's got classes for beginners that are open this hour but you'd like the library there more I'd think. You seem the quiet type."
You are quiet and you do like libraries so you thank her for the tip instead of succumbing to the crawling unease of being noticed. Though your thanks is just a little bit shaky it seems to come off as nerves more than anything else.
She waves you off with a little laugh. "Come back soon, little trainer. Safe travels!"
You leave as quickly as you can without looking like you're running away.
The Pokemon School is right next door to the pokecenter as it turns out. It's a large building with a roof lower than the surrounding skyscrapers. You cross the road and walk in through the door.
"Here for a class?" asks one of the receptionists at the front desk, spinning around to face her computer as soon as you walk in. Her hands are already clicking at the keyboard. "You're a bit late, dearie. They've already started but I can sign you up for —"
Cutting her off would be rude but you shake your head nonetheless and she stops typing, pushing up her glasses. "Oh? What can I help you with then?"
There's a sign nearby that reads 'Library' so you point at it and watch the furrow between her eyebrows disappear.
"Of course, of course," she says. "Why didn't you say so before? Well, just make sure you've got your ID card ready to swipe when you bring your books out and you'll be all set. Have a lovely time, dearie."
The library is beautiful in a way that is lived-in and comfortable. Its bookshelves are gleaming wood with scuffed step-stools underneath them. Large round carpets that are soft and colorful cover the cold floors. There are heaters stationed around the corners and ends so the whole space is toasty warm. The books are a mixture between well-cared for and well-loved, some pages with notes scrawled into the margins and some that have small drawings in the corners.
You wander around for a bit, picking up books from shelves and tables and flipping through them. For some reason you just can't focus on one which is odd for you. You tap your fingertips against the glossy pages of a magazine and try to figure out what's off, idly taking note of the trainer's pose and pokemon.
It takes a moment to pinpoint the source of the buzzing under your skin. It's anticipation, fizzing in your veins, building up until you can feel it like a shiver racing down your limbs. It feels like you're waiting for something to happen.
Something good.
Something that will set you alight.
At the same time, you know that hope leads to despair better than anyone else.
You rock back on your heels and watch the bookshelf in front of you nervously. It could be good, you say to yourself.
And it could be bad and it could be nothing but in the end you'll just have to see for yourself.
You take small steps forward, the plush carpets muffling your footsteps.
You walk around the corner and feel the anticipation grow louder, an ocean roar instead of a streamlet whisper.
You walk around the corner and the thread, your golden thread, tugs inside your chest.
You walk around the corner and the sun is there. The sun is there flaring red-gold in your vision and your lungs burn up. The rhythm of your heartbeat changes course, syncs up.
Barry whirls around even though he couldn't possibly have heard you coming and his eyes go round and wide. The sun rushes up to you, rushes you off your feet and you are warm again.
● • ● • • ● • ●
"I knew it!" says Barry, his voice muffled into your shoulder. You can hear the joy in it and all the other things he doesn't give voice to, loud and clear. "I knew you'd make it! I knew you'd come here. I could feel it."
You answer by tightening your arms around him, the soft fluff of his hair brushing against your cheeks. Your eyes are hot but the tears don't fall, blurring your sight until all you see is liquid light. There is nothing but sheer, pure happiness bursting through your chest.
It was worth it.
It was worth it.
● • ● • • ● • ●
Nov. 15
many bright eyes
locked behind glass panes
never blinking, looking at things
that no-one else can see
and lighting the only way forward
for these beasts with broken wings
I'm out. I'm out.
No one will ever take me again.
I won't let them.
I'll never go back. Not until I'm indestructible.
Not until we're indestructible.
That way nothing can hurt us ever again.
You wake up from a dream where you walked against the current of a river, searching for something. The water was red where it was calm, foaming black where it wasn't. Eyes caught and held yours from a distance, deeper than the abyss. Your skin crawls just remembering them but you're not at all afraid.
You're not afraid but you don't want to have that dream again.
Something in it disturbs you to a painfully uncomfortable level. That feeling lingers like a thin layer of sealing on your skin, locking you away from the rest of the world.
You stand up to get ready still thinking about it.
The sound of your pokemon waking up pulls you back into your body. Berry rouses himself with a loud yawn and picks his head off the pillow with great effort. Spruce stretches out in a way that appears entirely impossible for a solid being, his boy liquid and his tail waving behind him. He says good morning with a rumbling purr and Berry knocks him off his paws to use his tummy as a pillow.
Spruce bats at him but the wave of his tail is lazy and unconcerned. It won't be for long, you already know, because Spruce likes to move unfettered. But for now his eyes are still squinted with sleep and he stays put, allowing Berry to get in a few more minutes of rest. The two of them had gotten enough time to get acquainted and befriend one another yesterday when Barry had introduced you to his own team.
Chimchar had been there as you expected and the new addition to Barry's team was an oddly quiet Starly with light feathers. She was a sweet bird who ate the berries you offered her with delicate manners. Barry didn't give his pokemon official nicknames, he told you, because what if they wanted to change them later?
You'd thought it a curious but charming choice and it was clear his pokemon didn't mind at all, responding to every flicker of movement he made, revolving around him like stars in orbit. Barry was safe and he was happy and those facts lived in you now as solid sparkling things. Things to armor yourself with, to pick up and look at when you needed to remind yourself of what truly mattered.
Yesterday you'd opened the package together and found two pairs of sturdy hand-made gloves and two maps. A small note from Barry's mother was at the bottom of the box, wishing you both a safe journey. In bigger print at the bottom it said not to force yourself to return until you had accomplished what you were seeking.
"Oh yeah," said Barry, folding the note and putting it into one of your side pockets. "I forgot to grab mine when I was taking off!"
He handed you one of the maps, "Here, this one's for you! I bought it before I left. It's even got your name on the back, see?"
It did have your name there, written in an untidy scrawl that gave away its author. You showed Barry how to upload the map onto his pokedex and the features that would let him make notes on locations. You watched his eyes gleam. He immediately dragged you outside to test it out, noting the important locations in Jubilife City with colorful pins.
The green ribbon had found its way around one of the shoulder straps of his bag as the two of you walked around, trying to turn it into a bow. Neither of you were good at tying bows so even the lopsided final result had taken a lot of baffled tugging and muttering and arm-twisting logistics until finally, his starly pulled a piece of ribbon through a loop and the whole thing was tied tight.
"Nice job!" said Barry, and she bobbed her head in answer. The motion was familiar and you catalogued it before turning your focus away in favor of trying on the gloves. They were a perfect fit. Barry's had the look of anti stress gloves and cut off at the fingers while yours were strangely sheened, made with material that felt silky against your skin. They were a deep, dark green and Barry's were a brown that bordered on honey. Both colors that brought good associations to mind.
With the gloves on and a huge smile on his face, Barry waved goodbye to you from one of the city's gates, both his pokemon perched on his shoulders waving with him. You'd seen him off with a few extra presents: a potion or two that you had found while exploring the city and a paralyze heal you had spotted in the grass.
Now, you put the gloves on while you dress and marvel at them once more. There's a weight to them you hadn't noticed before, something to help ground you. Your pokemon are fully awake by the time you finish getting ready. Spruce is already bouncing with energy, tripping in the sheets and getting lost in them as he tries to leap off the bed.
Berry untangles him with a sigh. He's off and running immediately. The three of you go through your morning routines and when you're done you gesture to the pokeballs. The two allow you to return them, knowing you're going to let them out for breakfast soon enough anyways.
Poking your head out from your room, you scan the hallways, catching the eye of the nurse joy from last night who waves cheerfully at you. No one else is there yet. The upper floor of the pokecenter has rooms for all kinds of trainers to stay in but you don't particularly want to bump into anyone this early in the morning while you're still unfinished.
It's a clear shot to the stairs down to the first floor. You made sure you tidy up the room before you go and take off. Breakfast is a hasty affair as you take one of the corner seats in the pokecenter. Even though the wall is to your back and there is no possible way to sneak up on you from any direction short of ghosting straight through the furniture, the amount of people in close vicinity is still uncomfortable. You eat as fast as you can.
Your pokemon return to their pokeballs after breakfast and you make sure they're well-groomed and full, ready to take on whatever the day may bring. You slip out the door and walk right, past the Pokemon School. Barry had pinned a note to your map that said 'Global Terminal' and you're eager to check it out.
A trainer with heavy-lidded eyes and a quiet drawl turns you back from where he's leaning against the gates around the building. He's wearing a security uniform and asks, not unkindly, if you have any badges in your possession. You do not.
"Sorry, kid." He says with an apologetic shrug. "Gotta have at least one of those if you want to use the terminal. Rules are rules."
You hum thoughtfully and go back on your way.
You haven't really thought of gym badges except in an abstract way. It occurs to you now that you will have to think about them seriously. Gym badges are a symbol of strength and power and authority.
You want that.
You want that and the thought of having it curls around your heart and squeezes. Yes, you want strength and authority and the power to do what you want. You need it more than anyone else.
You've just been too busy thinking about more tangible things but you turn your mind to the subject now and imagine it. How it would feel to know no one could ever hurt you again. How it would feel to know no one could ever take your things or throw you down or be a threat to the things and people you cared for. You imagine what it would feel like to live calm and safe and free. To never worry about having your happiness destroyed at their whims.
You stare at the sky with your eyes closed and the light turns the backs of them red. You stretch your hand up to block the rays and look up through your eyelashes at the burning star that everything revolves around.
Your pokeballs shake a little in their clip and you remember: We will rise high and turn into something new.
Let's bloom together.
I will protect you.
You remember footsteps and snow, darkness answering in place of Berry's silence. You remember weakness and scalding blood and broken things. You remember months of nothing. You remember beyond that, the way the eyes of people who care about you know to look at you and not through.
And you decide.
● • ● • • ● • ●
In a cave the map informs you is called Ravaged Path, leading to Floaroma Town, you catch a zubat and nickname him Nightshade. He's a far sight smaller than the rest of the zubat around and incredibly timid, shying away when Spruce and Berry approach him. There are rocks here that block the path forward but you don't intend to make your way past them anyways. Instead, you let your pokemon battle all the trainers and wild pokemon they come across.
It's easy enough to explain to them why, though Berry needs no such clarification, always knowing. Spruce wants to get stronger in order to protect, he decides. Nightshade flutters nervously around you and says he wants to be big and brave so no one will scare him, lethal so he can defend himself against those who do. You tell him what nightshade flowers are and what their roots do and he listens with silent focus.
The flowers are purple, you continue even though he does not know what purple is. This is important. They're the same color as you.
He makes a pleased sound and relaxes enough to lay on your shoulder for a moment. Afterwards, he requests to stay in his pokeball for the rest of the day. At night, you take the path to Oreburgh City and your pokemon grow in leaps and bounds. Nightshade takes flight under the safe cover of darkness and tells you where it is safe to sleep so you bed down under the stars with all your companions beside you.
It's easier to breathe now that you have something else to reach for, something that will help you keep the sun safe so it can shine for as long as it likes and never be exiled from the sky. You tell your pokemon this so they know your reasons for fighting just as you know theirs. They fall asleep to dreams of sun-drenched meadows and safety under spruces. You fall asleep to red and wake up shivering with something other than the cold.
You don't fall asleep again.
This goes on for several nights.
You begin to sleep during the day.
It is only marginally better but little rest is better than none at all.
You take on the path to Oreburgh City with thorough planning and careful resource management. You have enough potions to see you through a fortnight but intend not to use them too much. At Oreburgh Gate, you're intercepted by a hiker with wide, callused hands and a round friendly face. He tells you the rocks blocking the path can be shattered. The move to shatter them however, requires badge authorization to use outside of battle.
Badge again. Their importance sears itself into your mind once more. You thank him for the information and he sends you off with a wave. The cave is crawling with trainers. You think back to the hiker for a moment. He didn't ask you for a battle.
Strange.
You make note of this. Thankfulness is no excuse for lack of caution. Lucas's worried eyes appear in your mind for a minute and you huff. Wherever he is you hope he appreciates the care you're taking. You hope he's taking care of himself too.
The sounds in the cave are amplified further when night falls. Water drips from stalactites, each drop like a shot against your eardrums. The sound of ground type pokemon going about their business scrapes across your skin. You battle two more trainers before making it to the end sometime near sunrise. Your pokemon are exhausted.
You take a roundabout way to reach the exit and make it out on shaky feet. You check your wallet and decide you have enough money to get some sweets for Nightshade and an assortment of snacks for Berry and Spruce to enjoy, as thanks for all their hard work.
There's an excited boy at the bottom of the stairs that leads to the city. He bounces around you and asks if you want to see the gym. You decline and ask him to show you the way to the pokecenter instead and he obliges good-naturedly. You listen to him chatter about the vents and the mine and how many trainers come by to battle the gym leader.
"He's suuuper strong," he says, pumping his fist into the sky. "When I get strong enough, I'm going to battle him too!"
You wish him good luck and stumble into the pokecenter, offering your pokeballs to the nurse. You consider sending a message to Professor Rowan but you haven't caught that many pokemon all things considered. The nurse returns your pokeballs to you. You turn around after a short break leaning against the counter so you don't keel over, only to catch sight of the young boy loitering nearby.
Is he waiting for you?
You go out to ask. The answer is yes.
"You're all healed up right? You should go see the gym now!" he says with sparkling eyes. "I'd show you there myself but there's actually some guy standing in front of the gym right now. He looks sort of twitchy and impatient. I'll give you the directions if you want!"
You consider these descriptions and decide you do want directions. The boy seems incredibly excited about this and you cannot fathom why.
"Is that guy your friend?" he says, curiosity in his voice as he draws a quick map with the ease of long practice. "If he is, maybe he's waiting for you."
You have no answer to that because you don't know yet. You don't want to get your hopes up too soon but you're still hoping. Dust lands on your eyelashes and you blink it away, eyes bleary with exhaustion. You thank the kid for the mini-map he gives you and go ahead to confirm the facts for yourself.
It's Barry.
Of course it is.
He stands outside the gym, rocking back and forth on his heels, looking around from time to time. There's no one around but him. The faint sunlight follows his movements, unwilling to let him stray too far from its sight. When he catches sight of you he grins and waves with a force that nearly takes him off his feet, then comes running.
"Hey, hey Glen! You're super late as always. I've already gotten my gym badge, you know?"
You do know. He had it when you'd met in Jubilife, you're sure. You tell him so. He nods vigorously.
"Sharp as always, too!" he says and leads you to the gym door. It's closed. You turn to look at him, somewhat confused.
"Yeah, the gym leader's not here! He's actually down in the mines so you'll have to go down there and let him know you want a battle. It's good training for your team, too! But uh — listen. You're doing alright aren't you, Glen?"
Ah. He was worried.
What brought this on?
"I just thought you know — I was thinking yesterday, while I got to leave all easy-like you had to — I mean," his words run together and he tugs at his hair in frustration before sighing. He drags his shoe across the dirt in a heavy line and visibly tries to gather himself. "I know you're okay now, I can tell, but it was hard on you wasn't it?"
You've never lied to Barry in your life and you don't intend to start now. Instead you squeeze his hands as tight as you can and wait for him to calm down.
You know what this is about.
You didn't leave me behind, you tell him. I told you to go.
Barry wrinkles his nose.
"Well I know that. But I should've —" he says and you interrupt him before he goes further.
I told you to go, you say again patiently. And here I am.
Barry sighs with his whole body and says, "I know, I know. Yeah, you're right. You're always right behind me, like you promised. But you — you didn't get hurt right?"
You try not to freeze but your throat clicks as you swallow, dry. He notices. He always does.
"You did get hurt," says Barry, quieter than ever. The sunrise layers rose under his eyes and turns their irises a paler gold, turning them glassy. He puts his head on your shoulder for a moment. "Did you get them back?"
I got them back. I made it hurt.
"Good," he says. "Good."
He takes a moment to calm down and then pops up from your shoulder, hair flying every which way. "You read the note mom sent you right? I'm going to get stronger too! And when we go back —"
His eyes as he completes his sentence are something to behold.
Red purrs at the back of your mind.
You beam at him.
Yes. And I'll catch up faster than you think, you tell him. Don't worry about me.
Barry scoffs and rubs his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "I'm not worried at all! You're just so slow I have to check up on you all the time and make sure you're following!"
But, it's nice? Taking your time is fun.
"Argh, I don't know how you stand it! I could never do that!"
You laugh. I know. You're fine the way you are. You should do whatever makes you happy. That way I'll be happy too.
"Right?" he says. "You too! Don't try to run too fast and get yourself hurt! I'll keep an eye out for you so do what makes you happy too, okay?"
Of course!
"Now go get that gym badge!" he orders. "Go go go! If I'm still here by the time you get back I'll fine you!"
You give him a hug, snap out a quick salute that makes him laugh and leave at once.
The gym badge is waiting for you.
You can carve this path out on your own but you still need a different type of strength to do what you want to do.
With the sun rising at your back, you take your first step into darkness.
It feels...familiar.
● • ● • • ● • ●
The mines are a good training ground, just like Barry said.
You take a rest leaning against some rocks while Berry takes his time in battles, green surging around him. Nightshade sleeps in his pokeball while Spruce tries his level best to take on some of the wild pokemon. As fast as he is, these are battles he's not suited for and you soothe him gently as you try to explain why.
Having done extremely well in the battles before, this period of stillness brings down Spruce's spirits. You don't know how to make it better. Still, he puts on a brave face and tries his best.
You find the gym leader at the far end of the mines. He introduces himself as Roark. Though he seems a little concerned about the dark circles under your eyes, he lets you know he'll be ready at his gym any time you want to battle.
Extremely odd emphasis on the word time.
In fact, it sounds like he's trying to suggest you come back tomorrow.
Strange.
You let him know you'll be by soon and make your way out of the mines in short order. Another trip to the pokecenter has your pokemon ready to go. Nightshade is so nervous that he's overloaded himself and come out on the other side serene. Berry holds himself steady, having learned a new move and battled enough pokemon with it to be confident in his ability to deploy it. Spruce vibrates with emotion he doesn't know what to call and can't decide where to place.
His tail lashes behind him.
You ask your pokemon if they're sure they want to go through the gym. The answer is unanimous agreement.
You go.
Inside the gym is a man up front who lets you look at the statues beside him before he speaks.
"Howdy! How's it going Champ-to-be? That's what I said to a really impatient boy earlier, too."
You look at Barry's name etched into the stone underneath the statues, symbol of his victory made solid. It must not have been that long ago if the man still remembers him. But on the other hand, Barry tends to turn heads and make lasting impressions no matter what.
The man gives you a few moments of quiet before he clears his throat, continuing.
"The gym leader is a user of rock-type pokemon. Well, listen. Rock-type pokemon really hate water, all right? They're also weak to grass-type moves. Gee, they sure have weaknesses!"
You look at him wide-eyed. Is he...is he allowed to tell you all this?
The man continues with no thought to your steadily growing worry.
"But don't think it will be easy. You don't get to be a gym leader without covering for weaknesses. Going after a rock-type pokemon with a fire-type pokemon won't be easy, either."
He's still going.
You fear for this man's life but spare a moment to think about if he gave Barry this same advice. And he's still alive now isn't he? Surely that means something. But usually, the consequences for giving out information are harsh, aren't they? Maybe they want to catch him in the act...
"That's all the advice I can give. Thanks for listening!"
Finally, he stops, noticing the look on your face.
Your silent and intense concern is vivid enough that it takes him aback for a moment. He recovers fast.
"Eh, don't be nervous kid! You've made it all the way here already, right? As long as you believe in your pokemon and yourself, you'll make it through with a bang!"
You catch his sleeve, looking up at him.
"Uh?" His voice softens. "Listen kid, you'll be alright —"
But will you?
"Huh?"
You shouldn't have told me all of that. What if you get in trouble?
Your eyes are watering. The effects of sleep deprivation run in the back of your mind in a list with very tiny lettering, backlit with sirens and flashing red-warning signs. You sniffle.
What if you get fired? What if you get hurt?
"For — for telling you about the gym leader?"
You nod vigorously.
"Aw kid, I'm not gonna get hurt for telling you about the gym leader." He says, patting your head.
You don't even register the contact, you're too far gone.
No? Are you sure?
He shakes his head.
"Naw," he says, looking more than a little worried. "It's actually my job, you know? I talk to trainers that come in here and give them reminders so they can prep. Get them ready to take on the gym and all that. Especially if they listen to what I have to say. It's a pretty great gig if I do say so myself. Though you have to learn a lot about pokemon to do it."
Relief rushes through you in a tidal surge. Tears come with it and the man rummages through his pockets for a pack of napkins. He hands them to you and you blow your nose.
Embarrassment looms in the distant darkness of your mind, ready to open its jaws and bite you clean in half. You lost your composure in front of a person. By the lingering wonders of sleep deprivation you manage to calmly put away the napkins, thank the man and apologize in the same breath.
A true miracle.
He squints at your face for a moment and gets up. "Well, that's alright! Don't sweat the small stuff, kid. And make sure to get some rest after this battle, alright?"
You nod and make your way forward. You catch him mumbling quietly under his breath, "Maybe I should've said to take a rest before the battle? Kid looks like a stiff breeze'll knock 'em right over."
You always look like that.
It's fine.
You stoically ignore the fact that you're wobbling on your feet a little. All is well. There's a gym trainer in the distance. You focus on him. Surprise, surprise, it's the kid who gave you the gym directions.
"Hi!" he says, looking as inordinately energetic for this time of day. "I knew you'd make it! Let's battle!"
Nightshade comes out of his pokeball, feeling right at home in the cave-like design of the gym. He confidently confuses his pokemon for Berry to take down in the next few turns.
"Aw, man." he says, not even the slightest bit upset. "You're really strong! I knew it!"
The next gym trainer goes pretty much the same way. You find yourself standing in front of Roark on the large battle ring, wondering how much time has passed.
"Huh," says Roark. "That was quite fast. Looks like you're ready for anything."
Not that much time then.
The battle begins.
You let Nightshade take the lead to try and confuse his pokemon but they're unnaturally focused. Every attempt misses.
Roark laughs. "I saw you use that strategy before. Pretty clever but I won't be falling for it anytime soon!"
You blink.
Well, okay then.
You ask Nightshade to return and let Berry take the field. To Roark's surprise, Berry manages to get off a move first. He lands a critical hit on his pokemon that takes it out.
You have more than just one strategy.
Berry dominates the rest of the battle, his moves strong and clean. Then Roark sends out his Cranidos on the last round, with a stubborn glimmer in his eye. You don't pause for a break. You need this gym badge. You need this gym badge. You have to get stronger. Someone is waiting for you.
A different pokeball than the one you were reaching for jumps into your hands.
Spruce enters the battlefield.
"An electric type?" says Roark. "Strange choice."
No.
Not a strange choice.
Not your choice at all.
You try to recall Spruce in a panic but Roark is faster than you. He snaps an order for a pursuit.
His Cranidos crosses the battlefield, blurring with speed.
The blow catches him square in the chest. There is a crack that is inaudible to anyone but you. You hear the sickening sound of Spruce's ribs buckling under the pressure. Breaking.
Red flashes.
He didn't even do anything, you find yourself thinking. He just wanted to help.
You recall him numbly and Berry comes out of his pokeball. Your anger is a slow rising thing. Steady. A green so deep it turns black. A black so hungry it turns red.
Berry channels his rage into a razor leaf that leaves Roark's Cranidos on its last legs. It stumbles to its feet where it should have fallen.
As stubborn as your trainer, you think. Very well.
It's Roark's turn now. Cranidos brings down Berry's defense before rushing in with a headbutt. It leaves Berry stumbling. You use a potion to take care of the damage but his resistance is still dangerously low. Another good hit will take him out and you can't switch out. To put Nightshade in a battle like this would be sentencing him to death. It would only get him badly hurt. Even worse than Spruce.
Spruce, you think. Spruce.
Berry hears you. He always does.
He steadies himself on your feet and glares.
I won't give up.
Okay, you tell him. One last hit. Take him down.
A razor leaf would be fast but that's not what you pick. Green blooms on the battlefield before Cranidos can even move, before Roark can snap out another command. Berry's quick claw glints in the low light. Your last gambit comes to fruition.
Cranidos hits the ground with the thump.
The buzzer screams.
The battle is over.
You don't want to wait, every nerve in your body frayed and stretched to its limits. But you must. You've already lost your composure once today. You cannot afford to do it again. Berry leans his weight against your leg instead of going back to his pokeball to steady you. Roark comes over to you grinning.
"Great battle!" He says while jogging up to you, barely out of breath. "Here. You've earned this."
He hands you a gleaming badge. Iit is cold in your hands.
"And this too!" he says brightly, still buzzing from the battle high. "It's the TM for Rock Smash. There are other moves that need gym authorization to use but this is the first one. Take good care of it!"
Your skin is prickling almost painfully and there is a ringing in your ears but you manage to thank him. You walk slowly out of the gym, nodding to the people who congratulate you on your victory on the way out.
Then you get outside.
Then you run.
It hurts you to do so of course but so what? That doesn't matter right now.
The nurse at the pokecenter takes the pokeballs from your trembling hands. You watch unblinking as they are healed. When she hands them back to you with a smile you lower your head in shame. You leave as fast as you can.
You walk to the outskirts of town where no one can see you and sit down on the ground, curled up against the sunbaked walls. You are afraid to let your pokemon out. You are afraid of seeing Spruce.
The sickening crack rings in your ears, playing on loop.
This is much different fear than anything you are used to.
You watch the sun rise alone, in silence, with nothing to say.
No one can hear you burning.
* a/n: if any of the dialogue sounds familiar it's because i lifted it directly from the game (which pretty much directly contradicts what i said about things in the main text being mine orz). other than that, all the chapters currently up have been edited. thank you for your time.