Closer
Sometimes one just needs to feel somebody a little bit closer.
You're seriously tired because you've accidentally chosen sides in an Alex-versus-Izzie conflict that you wish had never actually happened because you could really and truly use a friend right about now.
You see your ex-Derek walking around the halls adjacent to his very tall and intimidating wife, and you can't help but scoff no matter how much they seem to squabble about squirrels, and ferns, and trailers and things.
Cristina's quintuplet has an omphalocele, which means its organs are on the outside of its body, which is cool, but yours doesn't seem to have a clear path to doom nor a clear path to achieving its full healthiness, either.
The mom's story breaks your heart because you really can't imagine having that many children to care for at once, but then again, you're not even thirty yet so maybe that'll change by the time you actually want to have kids, which would mean you'd probably want to have them with another somebody, which means you'd probably have to stop pining over McDreamy at some point, and you're not sure whether or not you're willing to abandon that fantasy yet.
So, you're stuck all alone in the NICU until the early hours of the evening, and Izzie's here but she's not talking to you, so you're talking to Charlotte, your quint, and you're trying not to look up, because you know if you do, that you'll be staring into her eyes, and you know that you definitely can't handle that at all this evening.
So you try to give the mom hope and all, and you watch this baby struggle to breathe, and you think that sometimes you feel that you can hardly breathe, and what makes you feel better again is to be held close, like in a cocoon, of blankets maybe, but even better a person.
And that's when it strikes you- maybe you can give Charlotte a buddy, and maybe that'll make her feel better.
"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, I have an idea…" you check it over with her, because you don't want to do something drastic without asking the Ruler-Of-All-That-Is-Satan, but she nods at you, and she seems to be willing to give it a shot, so you untangle the cords and re-hook them next to one of the other quint's incubators, and you lie Charlotte gently down next to her twin sibling.
"They do this sometimes with twins… Nobody really knows why… But it helps…" you ramble, as you see the baby's sat's are climbing. It's a relief, really, that the baby is recovering, and you've definitely not made it worse for the wear.
"Nice save, Dr. Grey," Addison smiles at you approvingly, and you can't help but bow under her gaze, whilst simultaneously puffing your chest out a little in pride, and feeling a swell of an unidentifiable feeling, a tingly-good feeling under the redhead's piercing green eyes.
"Thank you…" you whisper quietly, as you watch her fawn over the little ones.
They are sweet, and they are her passion, and you notice she has this special glint in her eyes when she looks at the babies.
If you didn't have to try so hard to be indignant at here mere and utter existence, it would probably make you smile, but you're consciously not letting it do that to you.
Addison's still smiling at you, and you're smiling at the babies, but you're still facing her, so it looks as though you're smiling at her, and she's smiling back at you, and suddenly she drops your gaze, and then you sort of feel lost again.
"You know, they really do seem cozy in there, don't they," Addison says, admiring them still.
"Yeah," you nod and agree because she's right. The babies are warm and safe together under their little baby hats, and it sort of makes you wish you were snuggled under a blanket with someone nice beside you.
"Sort of makes you jealous, huh," Addison sighs.
What.
You didn't expect Addison to be reading your mind, but then again, she does have several degrees, including a medical one, so you don't put it past her to get you so well.
"Yeah," you nod solemnly.
"I could go for some of that, you know? Just being close with someone, under a blanket, just… Existing…" Addison says wistfully.
It sort of makes you shocked for a moment, because hello- she just got her husband back, but then you flash back to them fighting this morning, and you realize they mght not be cuddling as much as you've made them out to have been.
"D- Dr. Shepherd doesn't- you don't- you're not- he doesn't hold you?" You stutter, and you blush as you realize the absurdity of your accusation/question, and you also realize that referring to Derek as Dr. Shepherd to the woman whose husband you've banged is probably some sort of a faux-pas of massive proportions which will have you grovelling for many moons to come from now.
But before you can run away from her, you realize that she's shaking her head and that she's actually answering your question, and then you realize that your impulse is to reach up with both hands and encase her, completely, and hold her close to your chest protectively.
You can't do that though! She's McPassiveAgressiva! She's your enemy! She's somebody you least ought to be thinking about such things with!
Gosh, your mind goes in strange places these days. It must be the sleep deprivation. Or maybe residual cheap tequila.
"What about you, Grey. Did he hold you? Did he cuddle you to sleep at night and read you a bedtime story?" Addison seems to be trying to ask you menacingly, but the expression she's giving you is pitiful and hollow, and you want to reach up and stroke her face and tell her that it's all gonna be okay.
"He-" you mutter. "Sort of," you grumble because it's as close as you have to an answer. One time you woke up and he wasn't there, but he was there in the morning, so you chalked it up to him getting up for some water or something, but it happened again, and you didn't ask him about it, so you're not really sure, so you can't really tell her.
"See, ideally a snuggle would be warm. Soft. Stay there until morning. Smell nice," Addison muses, and you wonder if she's talking to you, or to Charlotte, or just to herself at this point.
You answer though, because why not. I mean, it's not like you have anything else to be doing.
"Yeah. And not pretend to be there when you weren't. And say relaxing things. And stroke your back and your hair," you add on.
"Yeah, that would be the life," Addison sighs heavily, and you see her give a half-hearted smile to the babies.
"It would be," you say gently, suddenly admiring how pretty Addison is when she's calm. She really is fabulous, and her compassionate voice really does things to you. Its kinda freaking you out, but she's too charming for you to want to walk away from it at this point.
You think that it might be some sort of trap, but you don't feel trapped, just… Pulled in a nice way. Yeah. That makes sense, right?
"Mm, I'm tired," Addison yawns on cue, after seeing one of the babies do so.
"Yeah," you say, yawning after you see Addison yawning.
"I might stay here this evening, in case the babies need me. I'll be in an on-call room, you have my pager number, but you're not on call either I don't think, so you probably won't need it," Addison says, her voice slightly rambly, which is out of character for her, and you feel sort of proud that she somehow has memorized your call schedule.
"A nap sounds nice," you muse, wondering if you should take one, or just tough it out and get coffee.
"Mhmm," Addison says idly, not moving yet.
"You know, we could try it," you say to her, in a moment of sheer boldness, and either life-altering brilliance, or world-shattering awkwardness.
"Huh?" Says Addison, not quite following.
"Co-bedding," you murmur softly. "We could try it. See if it actually works. Y'know, because we're trying it on the quints, right?" you continue.
"You want to… Co-bed… With me?" Addison paraphrases, and you feel the sudden urge to start nodding before she brushes you away for thinking you're kidding.
"I mean, we're both missing the same thing right, just like Charlotte and her sister, and we're not working, and we could get some good sleep, and-" you could keep going with this, but Addison seems to be softening, so you might actually have a shot with this idea after all, and suddenly, it seems like the most important idea of all.
"Alright, Grey," Addison says with a wry smile. "Why not," she laughs, and her laugh fills you up and makes you happy, and you're suddenly elated, and it's a bit strange you admit, but you can't possibly pass this up once it's been offered to you.
"Alright," you mirror, as you walk away slowly from your seat next to the incubator.
Addison gives some directions to the nurses on-call, and she gives the rest of the list to Izzie who's working this evening, and Izzie gives you a curious glance that you don't really see because you're following Addison, and Addison is following her brain's map as to where the nearest on-call room is.
"There are some blankets here," Addison says, holding one out for Meredith as she stops by the supply closet.
"Thanks," you say appreciatively, never having known about these before.
Addison keeps going, and you follow her until she opens an on-call room with one set of bunk beds, both currently unoccupied, and walks into it, gesturing for you to follow.
Once you're both inside (okay, so you realize that your heart is pounding just a little bit, but you chalk that up to just having walked quickly), you watch her, a little bit mesmerized, as she takes off her white coat and offers to hang yours up beside it, and then she takes off her jewelry and places it gently onto the dresser.
"Are you ready?" Addison asks you gently, and her voice feels so soothing and inviting, so you nod, and you join her by the side of the bed.
It's not as awkward as maybe it should feel. It's just the two of you, and she seems to really understand.
"Closer?" Addison asks softly, not daring to touch you until you scoot closer yourself.
"Closer?" You ask her again, and Addison lies down on the bed, and you curl right up beside you.
"This is nice," you sigh the moment your head is tucked into her chest, and her arms wrap themselves around you.
"Yeah," Addison says wistfully, as she nuzzles the top of your head with her chin, and you wrap your arms around her shoulders.
Your legs fit perfectly on top of each others', and Addison brings both blankets over you both, and with the shared body heat, you feel warm and cozy.
The stress from the day seems to melt away, and you forget to think about what people would say about this, because you don't really care at the moment, because Addison is snuggling you, and you're cuddling her, and it's all in the name of medicine, of course.
Science!
Science rocks, and your body seems to be physiologically programmed to enjoy holding this woman, and being held by her, and it makes your eyelids all droopy, and your thoughts all sleepy, and soon enough you're drifting off.
And right at the edge of your consciousness, you think you can feel Addison pressing her lips to your temple, and giving you a little affectionate and friendly kiss there, but you can't see her to know for absolutely sure, and you doze completely before you have your answer.
You sleep well into the next morning, and you can tell you have because the sunlight is streaming in when you finally blink your eyes open, and you can see Addison doing the same. She clings to you reflexively as you try to move away for the first time, so you stay there instead, indulging in this seemingly magical place of your existence that you've carved out for yourselves.
Later on in the morning, you vaguely hear a knock on the door, before your eyes shoot open, and you're awakened fully by the big beading eyes of a very shocked Dr. Derek Christopher Shepherd.
"Are you… Sleeping with Meredith!?" Derek asks his wife stoically.
"We were asleep, Addison frowned at him, rolling her eyes for effect.
"As in…!?" Derek asks again, and your chest heats up at the idea of the other kind of 'sleeping,' that Derek seems to be insinuating.
"We're co-bedding. It seemed to be working well for Charlotte and Kate, so we thought we'd test out the theory. Turns out, it works wonders," Addison says dryly, while stroking your arm with her palm almost… Possessively.
"Right. Well, once you're done… Whatever this is… Bailey's looking for Meredith for rounds, and Burke was asking for you for a consult," says Derek, laughing to himself as he found his way out.
"Guess we gotta go," Addison says as she reaches to put on her lab coat again, handing you her own in the process.
"Yeah," you say, as you put on her own coat, and hands Addison her jewelry.
"This was… Nice, it was really relaxing," Addison flashes you a signature smile before she fixes her hair back into a ponytail.
"Yeah, it was," you reply, grinning for some reason, and Addison matching it.
"You know, if you have some free time this afternoon…" Addison bites her lip nervously, and you find it absolutely adorable.
"We could test out this co-bedding hypothesis again, if you want," you offer, picking up and catching what Addison is offering you.
"That would be great," Addison smiles, a spring in her step as she leaves the on-call room.
After all, replication, replication, replication, is just the backbone of empirical science.
***** FIN