Sophie wiped her eyes, sniffling. She leaned back against the Panakes tree, but a knob of wood jutted into her back, pushing her out of her thoughts and making her realize where she was. Looking up, she realized she was sitting under the Panakes, and that she had instinctively gone to a place that had meant so much to her and Fitz. Here was where some of their big moments had occurred, where he nearly kissed her, where they had cuddled and comforted each other after hard days. Her heart broke at the thought that even now, after they were over, she went here for consolation.
Fitz hadn't done anything to cause an end to their relationship. But they were just hurting too much, too messed up, both too broken, to be with each other. He had his issues and she had hers and when they talked about them, which rarely happened, it never went anywhere productive. It usually ended with them crying together, which was helpfully cathartic, but not much progress towards healing. Or they would just stew in their pain together, not moving forward, just wallowing further in grief and anger. It was bringing them both down, and when they started talking about it, they realized how little good they were doing for each other, and decided to part. Sophie had held it together long enough to agree to stay good friends, and plan for maybe getting back together after they were both doing better. She saw him to the door calmly, giving him one last kiss and hug. And then she went outside and started walking.
She had been walking around Havenfield for a long time. At some point, she didn't know when, she'd started crying, tears slipping down her cheeks unnoticed as she walked in a daze of thoughts and memories of Fitz. Their first kiss. Them dancing at parties. Meeting at the lockers in between classes at Foxfire. Him pulling her into a quiet corner to share a kiss while students around them talked and laughed, not noticing them wrapped in their own little world of each other. Birthday presents. The teal pendant he gave her. When they became Cognates. When he gave her the Cognate rings. When they finally confessed their feelings for each other. Their first date. Their most recent date, when they had spent a good half hour making out against a tree on the grounds of Havenfield, after picnicking in a beautiful meadow. The list went on and on as moments from before their relationship to the very end twined together in a hazy mist of memories.
But she also remembered the bad days. The hard ones. The ones when Fitz, in a fit of anger and pain, lashed out at her. Or when she pushed him away with hurtful words, wanting only to be alone, curled up on her bed, closing her eyes tightly to shut out the pain. When they held each other, silent, after waking up screaming from nightmares. They didn't talk, didn't do anything but try to bottle up the emotions.
That made her think of Keefe. Keefe, who always made her talk, made her let her emotions out. Talked through his issues, listened to her speak through hers. He always made her feel better and she hoped she did the same for him. Ro made him listen to her pep talks for a reason, she supposed. He was wonderful, really.
She wondered if he was free to hang out. Not right now, not when she was so upset, and doubtless had a red and puffy face as well. Especially considering he would know immediately that she was very upset. She didn't want to talk about Fitz with him. Not anytime soon, at least. That would take a while. But she realized now in surprise that Keefe always made her feel better, and even though he, too, was a little broken and sad, he had a healthier way of going about it. She could see him healing more easily than Fitz or herself. Wiping her eyes, she realized how much she wanted to see him now, wanted to put her head on his strong broad shoulder and laugh at his silly jokes. She wanted to curl up in his arms and let him hold her until her troubles lessened. And she wanted that as soon as she could manage to hold herself together enough to convince Keefe she wasn't the emotional mess she currently was.
Standing up and dusting Panakes blossoms and bits of grass off her clothes, she headed for the back door, hoping to slip inside and avoid seeing either of her parents. She didn't want to talk to anyone about the breakup. She just wanted to see Keefe. She told herself it was just longing for a sense of normality, where the fact that she was no longer Fitz's and Fitz was no longer hers didn't push itself so aggressively into her head.