Snapdragon is unusually snappy today and Mai isn't sure what it is. She supposes that the girl has to have at least one bad day eventually, Mai just wishes that she knew what was causing her poor mood.
She wonders if someone had discovered her factory and tried to take it from her. Or if one of her brothers had stolen something from her stash. More likely, she considers that someone at the palace had said something to her again, to make her question her hobbies.
The more Mai ponders it, the more she thinks that it is true. Though she continues to shamble up to her nest and acquire more things to toss into her steadily growing trash hoard, the woman's face is curiously less smudged, and her hands are usually clean. As clean as they can be given that Mohi doesn't have the sort of water that the palace does.
She finds the woman tucked away into her hoarding nest, fidgeting with a golden ribbon. She wraps it around her pointer, unwraps it, and warps it again. She isn't sure that Snapdragon is staring at it at all.
"I thought that I'd find you up here." Mai remarks. "That ladder is getting more unstable." She shudders.
Snapdragon shrugs. "It's fine." Her voice lacks it's usual spark and her smile doesn't reach her eyes. Mai rubs her lips together before ultimately deciding to reach for the woman's hand. Once she finds it, she feels Snapdragon's fingers tighten around her own hand.
Quietly, Mai hold's her hand to Snapdragon's cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "The flowers should be here soon so we can open up the shop again." She isn't sure if this will cheer her girlfriend up any. "That's exciting, right."
She thinks that Snapdragon's smile is more genuine this time. She nods, "Sounds nice."
.oOo.
Nice isn't exactly the word she is looking for, she is actually quite thrilled. Snapdragon does like the flowers and she thinks that Azula does too. They are soothing for Azula where they are joyful for her.
Her head hurts.
She supposes that she will have to see which emotion wins out when the time comes.
"What's going on, Snapdragon? Don't tell me that those uppity nobles got to you?"
There is a nervous sort of twitching and fluttering in her belly, "what makes you think that something is wrong?"
"You haven't been acting like yourself lately."
But that is just it. She is acting like herself. For the first time in so long, she is acting like herself. Just not the self that Mai has grown used to. The self that she, herself has grown used to. "What do you mean?" She asks anyways.
"For one thing, you're talking differently…"
The fluttering intensifies. For all of her confusion there is certainty. It comes in that Mai can't know that she knows who she used to be. There is certainty in that Mai would hate her all over again if she found out. She doesn't want to lose Mai a second time. The fluttering reaches a peak recalling the moment when the woman had drawn her knives, the moment she had been ready to turn them on her. It had hurt the day that it had happened...it is unbearable to think about now.
Now, when the hand that had wielded the blades is gently caressing her cheek in loving little strokes.
"Where are your dirt smudges?" She traces her fingers along the spots on her cheeks and forehead most prone to mud and grease.
She isn't sure how to tell Mai that she no longer likes the feeling of dirt smeared on her face and that her skin is crawling now that showers aren't as regular as they had been at the palace. She thinks for a moment. "I like how it feels to be clean." She says.
Mai tilts her head.
"I don't mind getting dirty but I like smelling nice and feeling clean. My face feels less...stiff." She replies.
Mai nods, "Have you never taken a bath before you went to the palace?"
Snapdragon thinks on it. And in doing though she thinks that it is safe to say that Snapdragon-Azula has never take a real bath before. She shakes her head. "Unless the lake counts."
"You haven't even gone to the communal bathhouses?"
Snapdragon shakes her head. This is another thing that she and Azula share; neither of them enjoy public bathing. Too many eyes, even if they aren't focused on her. "I don't like those. The lake is better."
Mai chuckles. "Alright, I guess that, that makes sense. You've never been fully clean before so you didn't know that it was something that you liked."
Some of her tension eases away. Perhaps she is overthinking things. Perhaps, even without Azula creeping back in, Snapdragon would have enjoyed being cleaner.
"So what's bothering you?" Mai asks again.
Snapdragon shrugs. "I just...I don't feel well."
She makes a note to try to be happier. She will lose Mai if she can't muster up the same spunk and enthusiasm that Snapdragon had.
"Do you want to stay at the palace again?" Mai offers.
Snapdragon nods. She can use another bath and Mohi could use a break from her antics.
.oOo.
She feels significantly more like Azula when she is wearing her own robes. She feels, perhaps more powerful than Snapdragon has been allowed to feel. Granted she still gets glowers and glares. They still look down upon her. Save for Yora, they don't want her here.
She is a nuisance.
A dirty nobody.
Inferior.
It makes Azula's blood boil in a way that Snapdragon had been able to laugh off. It brings color to her cheeks. A sense of shame that she can't seem to shake. But then, this had bothered Snapdragon too.
"They just aren't used to people like you." Yora mentions as she takes a comb to Azula's locks.
"Uncultured peasants?"
"Kinder souls." Yora corrects. "People who are easier to be around." She takes a deep breath. "They are so used to being surrounded by other people who are pampered and spoiled that they don't know what to do when someone like you comes around. Someone who is fun and carefree."
Azula wishes that she were fun, carefree, and kind.
"Innocent." Yora adds. "Though they tend to try to take advantage of innocence here. I like you, Snapdragon. You're a good person. It is nice to groom someone who isn't barking orders and particulars."
She is offended and comforted all at one. She knows that Azula is picky, prone to particulars. And she supposes that she hadn't been kind about it either. She feels horrible for having banished the one servant who is now being kind to her.
"How is this?" She holds a mirror up for Snapdragon to observe. She has been avoiding them since the return of her memories. And her reflection is now just as jarring as she had anticipating. Jarring because she knows that it is not truly her own. And yet, it is, she has seen it daily for such a long time now. She is both used to this body and disconnected from it. It is familiar and foreign all the same. She knows that she should be looking at a different face. A face that she sees everywhere in the palace but the mirrors. She isn't sure why Zuko has kept portraits of Azula.
Her head hurts all over again.
"It's nice." She answers.
"Are you alright?"
"Headache." She replies simply.
Yora nods, "I'll take you to the guest room. Unless you'd like to sleep in the princess' room again. Mai mentioned that it was too open for you?"
She wants to sleep in her own room, "I just need…"
"More pillows than any one person should have a right to use?" Yora quirks a brow.
She nods. Yora has always caught on quick. Snapdragon's stomach lurches again, the memories are hitting her left and right. They come back suddenly and overwhelmingly. She thinks that it might not be a lie that she is feeling physically ill. At the very least, she is truly feeling dizzy and hazy.
"Yora!" Ami snaps. "You were supposed to be helping with the laundry today. Forget about the commoner and do the job that you were meant to do."
"I was just going to get her some pillows…"
"Extra pillows are in the servants quarters, down the make a left and then another left. You'll see them." Ami says to Snapdragon. "Get them yourself, Yora has work to get to."
"Where is Mai?"
The woman scowls. "With the firelord. She doesn't have time for you. And neither does Yora."
.oOo.
Snapdragon doesn't collect her pillows. She wanders hazily back to her room torn between storming back up to Ami and letting her know who she is dealing with and flopping down on her bed and trying to process everything.
She lingers in front of her bedroom door. She still feels so small standing before it. Perhaps she should go fetch herself the pillows, the nest was rather comforting…
"You must be Snapdragon."
She tenses.
This voice.
She knows this voice.
And it pulls at strings in her mind. Pulls more memories to the surface. Memories that Snapdragon can't brush off.
She turns around and nods, "I'm Snapdragon."
But she isn't in this moment. In this moment, she is very much Azula.
"My name is Ursa." She smiles. It is such a warm smile, it makes Azula feel sick and tearry. "Can I help you find something?"
"I was going to get some pillows."
"I can fetch one of the servants."
"Yora is busy, apparently." Azula grumbles.
"Ami?"
Azula nods. Once upon a time, the woman had been her favorite servant…
"Follow me." Ursa gestures. "You can take as many pillows as you want."
.oOo.
Her mother is a sweet woman. She helps her perfectly arrange her circle of pillows and blankets. "I used to do this with Zuko all time."
She had never done so with Azula. She tries to imagine what that would have been like. She shakes her head, she doesn't have to try to imagine it; "I think that this one would look nice over here."
Azula almost laughs. The woman is making an art of building pillow nests. Azula almost cries. She has the same inclination to make her pillow nest look prettier, more organized. She moves the pillow to where her mother had suggested. "Perfect." She says.
Ursa nods in agreement. "I can send fpr Mai and with two cups of hot tea-three if you don't mind me staying. I don't think that a pillow nest is complete without tea and a story."
"Do you have a story?"
"Many of them?"
Both Azula and Snapdragon want a story, even if it is for different reasons. Azula wants what has been deprived from her for so long and Snapdragon simply loves exciting tales.
.oOo.
For a moment apprehension leaves Azula. With candles to softly light the room and tea to warm her throat, she is comfortable. Very much so. She snatches up one of her pillows and hugs it to her chest as Mai props herself up against her.
Her mother smiles.
It might be the one thing that Azula has done that she approves of. And perhaps it is only because she is looking at Snapdragon. Snapdragon who stirs excitedly when story time begins. It takes her to a new place in her mind. A place with dragons and adventure. Though she supposes that her whole life has been an adventure, especially now that Snapdragon had taken control.
By Agni, she just hopes that Azula can keep the love and spirit that Snapdragon has.
She clutches Mai as tightly as she clutches the pillow. She isn't sure how long she will be able to do so. She just knows that she can't let go yet. She can't lose Mai again. "Now this is more like my Snapdragon." She hears Mai mutter.