4.

For a while after he ran out of Riku's room like a coward, Ienzo struggled to breathe. He remained sitting against the wall, curled up, adrenaline shocking him in little waves. He hated this sensation, how it robbed him of his self-control-

Breathe in. Breathe out. Riku hadn't even gone for his throat, but rather his wrist, and only because Ienzo had touched him while he was dead asleep-

Redheaded demon and a puppet and the dark corner sharp hurt burning-

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. He traced the soft scarred flesh with one hand, loosened the ascot at his throat. I can breathe. That was a memory. It wasn't real. A flush of embarrassment came to his face when he thought of the strangled, animal sound he'd made. Pathetic.

Ienzo forced himself to his feet. He pulled back the sleeve of his jacket. There was a red mark where Riku had gripped him, and likely later a bruise; but he wasn't significantly injured. Both of his hands were trembling uncontrollably. Get it together. Riku hadn't meant to hurt him- he'd probably taken that whole interaction to heart-

But the thought of going back to him right now and explaining, patiently, why he'd had that reaction, only made him feel nauseous. He tried to turn his mind back to the work, but he kept getting pulled and pulled into the basement, into an itchy achy helplessness.

Ienzo started walking, and walking, as if he could physically get away from the memory. He was so tense his teeth hurt, and his chest was hot and tight from his shallow breathing. He pulled the ascot from around his throat and undid the top buttons of his shirt, but it didn't help ease the sensation much.

Breathe.

He found himself in the main library, which had once been beautiful but was now in serious disrepair. The collections were disorganized, the recessed lighting cracked and in need of new bulbs. Heartless had shattered several of the shadowboxes, and some of the paintings on the walls were torn. Ienzo reached up and brushed his fingers along the canvas of one. This portrait had evidently been of his adoptive great-grandmother, but anything resembling a face was ribbons of cloth and oil paint. He moved around a bit shamblingly, his body feeling heavy and strange now that the adrenaline was fading. He sank wearily into his favorite armchair, picked up his abandoned novel, and started to read.

It took hours for his heart to stop pounding.

A few weeks passed, tremulously. Perhaps a month, maybe longer; Ienzo's concept of time was hazy at best. The winter got deeper, colder; they kept working with Kairi. While the light of her heart sustained her physical form, kept her warm and nourished and prevented atrophy, he still felt a stab of guilt that they were not finishing their examination faster. Sixteen years was a lot of memory, a lot to unpack and try to understand, and of course there was the curveball that she was a princess of heart. They all worked as long and as hard as they physically could, but it was still taking much, much too long.

Riku didn't drop by as much, and Ienzo realized one day that he hadn't been here since he'd gotten sick. Was this because of the way he'd acted? He knew he should apologize-

For what? An involuntary reaction?

Ienzo considered how he might feel if the opposite were true, if someone had woken him in the grips of a feverish nightmare. He should be glad he'd had little more than bruises, than a panic attack. He would've probably done much worse to his own attacker. (He kept a kitchen knife in his bedside table. It was the only thing that helped him feel safe with the nightmares.) He almost wrote Riku several times, but each time managed to find an excuse not to complete the note. A phone call, an urgent task to be completed. This shouldn't bother him so much; he wasn't the one at fault. Neither of them really were.

Finally, one snowy day, Riku came back. "I'm sorry for dropping by," he said, his usual greeting. Ienzo noted with relief that he at least seemed to have adequate winter clothing. "Any… news?"

Ienzo cleared his throat a little. "Not much, I'm afraid. We're making as much progress as we can."

He took a few steps closer to Kairi. Ienzo recognized that glint in his eye; loneliness, and to a degree longing. It was the very same sort of look that his Nobody had preyed on.

He wondered if Riku spoke to his other friends.

"Do you…" Ienzo almost stopped himself. "Do you have a moment? To discuss something?" Even gave him an odd look, but Ienzo just glared at him.

"Uh-sure. Yeah. I've got a little time."

"Excellent. I was wanting some tea anyway. Right then." There was a kettle in the office; Ienzo switched it on. "What kind of tea would you like?"

"Uh-whatever you're having, I guess. I don't care."

They sat down at Ansem's old desk. Riku's hair had gotten still longer, just barely brushing his shoulders, and he kept swatting it out of his eyes. It was more white than silver in this light, Ienzo thought, and looked fresh and fluffy, like it had just been washed. He thought of his own dirty, dry hair. For just a breath, he wondered what that hair might feel like under his fingertips.

What an odd thing to think about. He shook his head to brush away this thought.

"So what's up?" Riku asked.

"I wanted to… talk about what happened, the last time we saw one another."

He winced. "I tried to find you-"

"...But I avoided you." He admitted this to his mug. "Truthfully, I must apolo-"

"I'm sorry," Riku said at the same time. "I'm so sorry."

Ienzo furrowed his brows. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You had a fever and I startled you when you were dead asleep."

"I still hurt you. And-" He squinted. "Something just felt really… off."

"...Which is what I wanted to talk about, because it's clear that if we're to have any functioning rapport…" He drummed his fingers on the table, trying to come up with a tactful way of saying this. You look like my murderer. He took a breath. "At Castle Oblivion, after we fought-"

Riku visibly tensed.

"It was, perhaps, only a few moments later that I-"

He dropped his eyes. "I know. Bad blood. Bad memories."

"But you weren't the one who… ultimately made it happen."

Riku bit his lip. "I figured you might've… bled out. I don't like thinking about it."

"Of course you don't," he said softly. "But you recall… the replica?"

"Of me?" He frowned. "Um, yeah."

"I'm going to say it very bluntly." His heart was beating hard. "Axel had him kill me. I'd learned too much about the Organization's coup." The memory stabbed him, especially seated right across from him. But between the new hairstyle, and the few years' of aging, Riku did not look much like the puppet anymore.

"Of course you panicked," Riku said. "Of course. I'm sorry."

"It is wholly embarrassing. I…" He cleared his throat. "For some reason that felt… necessary, in order to move on."

"...Especially with me randomly poking my ugly mug in," he said, shaking his head.

Not ugly, Ienzo thought, feeling a different flash of nerves. Perhaps that was part of why this was so unsettling.

"I'll try to avoid cornering you," he continued. "And, uh, grabbing."

"It seems what happened was neither of our faults," Ienzo said. "But I don't want us to have to walk on eggshells around each other. I do enough of that as it is."

A nervous smile flickered on his face. "You guys don't get along?"

"It's… a bit complicated." Ienzo didn't feel much like going into all that .

"Sounds like you could use a friend."

Ienzo looked up. His expression was genuine, and if Ienzo was understanding correctly, pleading. Ienzo wondered again if Riku actually spent time with anyone. "...Perhaps I could."

This smile was less hesitant.

"...And you could stop making up excuses to drop by." He tried to say this kindly. "I imagine… it's not easy, doing all this work by yourself."

Riku's grip on his mug loosened a bit. "To be completely honest…" He chuckled. "I… am bored out of my mind. When I said I was housesitting? I wasn't being modest. That's literally what I was asked to do." Something honest crept into his tone.

Ienzo blinked. "...I see. Why don't you go home, then? Spend time with your family?"

Evidently, this was the wrong question to ask: what little humor in Riku's expression fell. "It feels… wrong, to go back without them," he said softly. "When we were last home a few months ago… I… made a promise to myself that I would bring them home. I can't… look their parents in the eye. It feels like my fault somehow."

"I'm sure it isn't." He exhaled. "We will do our best to try and help you get back together."

"I know. I know you're all working hard, I didn't mean to imply-"

"I know." Ienzo smiled. "But let me do this for you. As friends."

He nodded.

"Moreover… if you're bored." He cocked his head. "Aeleus and Dilan have their hands full doing repairs around the castle. How good are you with your hands?"

His eyebrows shot up, and Ienzo saw the almost desperate glimmer in his eye. "Actually pretty good," he said. "I used to build stuff on the play island all the time."

"Great. Then perhaps you'd be willing to help? Say, a day or so a week, or whatever would work best with your schedule? I know traveling back and forth must be annoying."

"I'd hate to… be an inconvenience," he said slowly.

"You'd be helping us ," Ienzo said. "And that way, you don't need to travel goodness-knows-how-far to pester me about Kairi."

Riku flushed. "Ha… yeah, I guess so. Ah. I'll check up on things in the castle and come back."

"Great. So it's a date."

There was a long, pronounced silence, Ienzo wondered if this was the wrong thing to say. His heart was fluttering hard again, the same way it had before, and he swallowed it down. This was… strange, and he wasn't sure he liked how it felt.

Riku seemed nervous too. "Awesome. So. It's a date."

Ienzo cleared his throat. "I won't hold you up any longer."

"No, I should… go, so I can come back." He stood.

"Safe travels," Ienzo said, hearing the artificiality in his own voice. When Riku was gone, his heart was still pounding, beating hard in an insistent way he didn't know how to read. He thought, involuntarily, of that hair again, of how it might feel.

Ienzo had a feeling he didn't want to know.

On his way back to the Land of Departure, Riku felt... fuzzy. Nervous, jumpy. This was only amplified by the utter silence of the place. He paced, restlessly, trying to understand what it was he might be feeling. There seemed to be a lot to unpack.

He thought he'd killed Zexion the same way he'd killed Lexeaus. A blow to the spine, some internal damage. Zexion had been a mighty opponent, but not physically that strong. From the moment he'd first struck down Lexeaus, he'd tried not to think of the truth, the brutality, of what he'd done, that he'd essentially just killed a person. Knowing it had led to their direct humanity seemed… both a comfort, and an insult.

Also… the fact that Axel was capable of such brutality… having fought alongside Lea in the war, and seeing the awkward and charming way he acted with Kairi… it made him feel slightly ill.

But you did awful things under the influence of darkness too, the ever-present guilt reminded him. All the Heartless you summoned, and the things Maleficent told you to do with them. You probably killed people and didn't even realize.

He sat down on his bed and looked out the window. Snow was falling in the Land of Departure. As a Nobody… hadn't Zexion done the same? And Riku had done this all in the sake of… what… gathering power? Mining his "true potential"? Which was-?

Sitting here overthinking, apparently. The sooner he finished up these loose ends, the sooner he could return and do what Ienzo had asked. Maybe he could even talk to him more about this conundrum, and see if the Somebodies there felt the same way about the things they'd done in the past. Just because both of them had turned over a new leaf didn't mean the past was forgiven, or forgotten.

He should probably try to get some sleep, too.

After tending to his few chores, Riku lay in bed, trying to switch off. At some point in the past he'd been able to fall asleep practically on command, but now the action seemed something of a labor, and his mind would spin and spin in any direction and on any memory until it was late enough to be considered early. Fighting Heartless, and training himself to physical exhaustion, made it easier , but not easy. He parsed that interaction out in his mind, thinking back to the expression on Ienzo's face when Riku accidentally grabbed him. Ienzo must have thought of the moment when the puppet… did whatever the puppet did.

(And, Riku thought, if the puppet was a likeness of him, down to his personality at the time, was Riku capable of that kind of violence as well?)

He took a deep breath and let it out, trying to stop thinking about that. Instead, he found himself thinking about the way their conversation had ended. So it's a date. He didn't mean- no, he just meant a place and a time, a date on a calendar. Why would he-

But Ienzo was so eloquent, it couldn't just be a slip of the tongue. Right? Or perhaps it had? And if so, what did that mean?

The last thing Riku needed was for things to get more complicated. He needed Ienzo and the others to be able to help Kairi help Sora.

Still, the way his heart was beating… was new. And odd. And he thought of that moment during the Mark of Mastery exam, when Shiki had most likely been flirting with him. How he hadn't felt anything at the time, wasn't sure if he was supposed to-there was a lot of things going on that were far more important.

But now? When nothing was going on?

There was banter right before he got sick, too. And he'd felt the same jump, the same uncertainty. But he also bantered with Sora and Kairi all the time, and then he sometimes got nervous thinking of witty replies on the fly. But did it make him feel like this? And was this something Riku wanted to feel?

You're putting way more into this than was there, he thought, shaking his head. What reason would he even have for doing something like that?

He shut his eyes, but the thoughts didn't stop.

Riku was used to the flight between Radiant Garden and Land of Departure by now. He'd started calling it his "commute", in moments of deeper loneliness. Commuting to see Kairi. He wondered what his life would look like if none of this had happened. He'd be wrapping up his last year of high school, he knew, getting ready for university or the greater world. Riku tried to imagine himself working a job: at a coffee shop, or as a waiter, or bagging groceries. Typing and typing at an office job. Much like when he was fifteen, the notion made him feel vaguely nauseous. But equally, he wasn't sure of what would become his future now . His eighteenth birthday was some months away. Theoretical adulthood.

Well, he was a Keyblade master now, not that that seemed to mean much of anything. Would he… take on apprentices? Teach them? Would that be satisfying?

Sora and Kairi aren't even home yet. Don't get ahead of yourself. Maybe they would help him make sense of this mess. Yes, that was it. He thought of Kairi, her laugh. Riku, you're such a downer sometimes, you know? And Sora, as long as it's the three of us, we'll be okay.

He wondered how pathetic it was to be having imaginary conversations with his best friends.

Riku landed in the outer recesses of Radiant Garden and started the now-familiar walk to the castle. It was always so cold here, so gloomy, now that winter had come over the city. Thankfully he'd actually been able to get a coat. He tugged his collar up a bit higher. He'd experienced a lot over the past two years or so, but he was still, at heart, an islander.

He wasn't sure where exactly to go or what he had to do, so he went down to the lab. He couldn't help but smile a little when he saw Kairi, even if she was completely unaware of his presence. He wondered for the millionth time what she was doing in there, what she was experiencing. How they all made numbers about it was beyond him.

"Ah-Riku. Back so soon, I see?" Even asked, his tone brisk and cool as usual.

"Uh-yeah, actually. Ienzo said you guys needed help with the… repairs, so I figured… I have some time-"

"We mustn't take you from your duties," Ansem said.

"No, you're really not." He forced a laugh. "This is helpful, actually." He looked around. "So… uh… where is he?"

"He had some questions about some code and thought Cid might be able to help," Even said.

"...Questions?"

"There are some anomalies in her heart, recently. We're fairly certain it's the differences in structure due to her nature as princess of heart, but it's always good to… seek a second opinion." Ansem smiled; Even scowled.

Riku frowned. "Is she okay?"

"As far as we can tell, yes," Even said. "The sleep isn't physically affecting her in the slightest-other than the obvious."

He walked over to her and adjusted the blanket draped over her. "It's a little cold over here. Can you turn down the AC?"

"We need it to keep the machines-" Even began, but Ansem patted Riku's shoulder gently.

"I'll bring in a space heater for her," he said.

"Thank you." He watched her breathe for a moment. "So… what should I-"

"I believe Aeleus is painting near the library. Do you know where that is?"

Riku swallowed, suddenly finding his mouth very dry. "Yes. I remember."

He very nearly left then. He'd only seen Aeleus briefly in passing a few times coming and going, and the man never said much other than to curtly nod at him. While he now knew he hadn't felled Zexion… well. He was certain he'd finished the job with Lexeaus.

What do you say to someone you've killed?

Maybe start with sorry, he imagined Kairi telling him.

Right. It would be… a good idea to not be on tenterhooks here. Especially if he were going to be helping out. If it weren't for this, he would still be sitting in that castle, bored out of his mind. This was something good, constructive. It was good.

He took a deep breath.

Seeing the deterioration in this castle, Riku felt another stab of guilt. Some of this destruction had been here when he'd arrived, but some of it had come from his own practice trying to get the Heartless to do his bidding. He brushed his fingers across a torn painting, wondering what had happened to the person who made it.

Well. At least he could quite literally undo some of the damage.

He saw Aeleus on a ladder towards the end of the hallway, very carefully trying to paint over a new patch in the ceiling. Riku took a deep breath. He didn't want to startle Aeleus either. "Hi there," he called.

He looked over.

"So, uh." He cleared his throat. "I'm here to… help? If I can?"

"Ienzo told me you were interested in helping do some repairs, yes."

"Well. Uh. Could I do anything?"

He considered Riku. His expression was nearly impossible to read. "That can of green. If you want to start going over where I whitewashed. You can use the roller. Prime it first."

"...Thanks." He went over to the area that Aeleus had gestured to. There had once been wallpaper here, but it had been removed, and the holes and cracks beneath repaired with plaster. Riku poured some of the primer into a pan and got to it. He was glad that his braces couldn't get stained; he saw that very quickly this could get messy.

For what felt like an eternity, but was maybe only an hour or two, he and Aeleus painted in silence, and the only audible sound was the dipping and rolling of the brush and roller. Riku wasn't sure if he was imagining the tension in the air or not. He reached up to swat the hair out of his eyes and inadvertently smeared paint on his face. "...Ugh."

"...You might want to do something about that," Aeleus said. He took a clean bandanna out of his pocket and handed it to him.

"Thanks." His hair was at that awkward in-between length that was too short to tie up but too long to feel manageable loose. He could cut it, he knew, and go back to the way he'd looked before, but the spikes reminded him too much of Sora. Riku looked down at the smear of paint on the cloth. Just say sorry. "Listen," he began. "I just… wanted to say sorry. For everything."

Aeleus set his brush down on top of the can and turned to face Riku more fully. "What do you have to apologize for?"

He blinked. He didn't want to have to say it. "...You know. Castle Oblivion. Everything… that happened."

Aeleus looked into the middle distance for a moment. "You don't owe me an apology," he said, in a low voice. "Rather… the other way around. Don't you think?"

Riku shook his head slowly. "Ienzo said something similar."

"We… treated you terribly. Tried to use you. Am I supposed to be mad that you fought back?"

"But I…" He couldn't bring himself to say "killed you."

"...Which is part of the reason I am here, and working to be better, instead of continuing to do evil in that Organization's name." He seemed to be smiling just the slightest.

"It's not like any of us knew about the reformation at the time-"

"We needed to be stopped," Aeleus said shortly. "Neither of us blame you, Riku."

"Do you think you… still would be with the Organization, if your Nobody had survived?"

Aeleus thought about it. "That depends entirely on whether or not Vexen and Zexion survived as well."

Riku cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure that "friends" is the right term to use," he said. "But the three of us… well. Even and I raised Ienzo from when he was a boy. Even with our true bonds severed by the lack of a heart, there was enough of a relationship there for me to… make their wellbeing my priority. If they had survived and turned back to the Organization, I would've too. But if they'd have passed on, and I survived, I might have… left. But either way…" He spread his large hands. "We all perished, but we are all human now."

"What does that… feel like?"

Aeleus's eyebrows shot up.

"Sorry. I just… I'm curious."

He thought for another long moment. "It is both so strange and so natural," he said. "The rush of emotion… feels as if it is so strong. There is a lot of guilt. But I feel more… me, than I thought I would, in those rare moments I considered Xemnas's fake goal of giving us hearts."

"More like Lexeaus, you mean?"

"We were Nobodies for just under ten years. I was not much older than Ienzo is now when it happened. As the years passed… my human self seemed soft, weak, and what he felt… unnecessary and boorish. But to have those feelings back… well. I realize that humanity is different than what I thought. There is strength to it that the darkness and the nothing couldn't provide."

"I think I understand," Riku said. My friends are my power! He remembered. "Thanks for that." He breathed the taste of paint. "Do you still feel the darkness?" He didn't expect an answer.

Aeleus held his chin up, just a little. "I do," he admitted, "but I know its price. And I intend to keep it at bay."

Riku nodded. "Yeah. I know how that is."

"...I think all of us here do." He climbed back up the ladder and picked up his brush. "Might I suggest bobby pins? Ienzo finds them useful."

"...You're probably right."