6.

Riku did seem awfully despondent when that day came. Ienzo insisted he not spend it alone, that he come to Radiant Garden. Somewhere along the way Riku's emotional wellbeing had become important to him, though why he wasn't sure.

Well. He knew why .

All this time spent together. Ienzo may have been inexperienced, but he wasn't naive. He could see Riku looking at him, sometimes, out of the corner of his eye. Whatever was happening between them was clearly growing and also clearly mutual. Thinking about it too hard made his palms sweat and his heart race-with anxiety.

He wasn't good enough. Riku'd had-mostly a normal life. He deserved someone whole and who could be completely emotionally available to him. This had to be a passing attraction-a combination of Ienzo's newfound feelings and Riku's boredom. That was all.

But if it was passing … how come over the course of these months, and the time they'd only gotten to know each other better… why was it getting stronger ?

Ienzo realized that he desperately wanted to talk to someone about this. He also realized that the person he most wanted to discuss it with, the person whose opinion on the matter was most important, was Riku, and the notion of doing that felt like cutting the wrong wire on a bomb. After all, once his friends were back, wouldn't Riku just go home… and move on with his life? It was unrealistic to expect him to stay here for Ienzo.

He wasn't sure he liked the way this felt.

"Ienzo?"

His head snapped up from the tablet in his hands. "Yes, Master?"

Ansem sighed. "How many times must I tell you to call me by my name?"

"I'm… sorry. Habit," he lied. In reality, it felt undeserved. Everything still felt undeserved. He and Ansem had sat down multiple times to talk and try to get to know each other better, but as gracious as the man was, Ienzo still felt an awful pang of guilt.

"Forgive me, but… something seems to weigh heavily on your heart. Moreso than usual," he said.

Ienzo looked into his rust-colored eyes. This man was his father , he forced himself to think, and as much as that was the truth it was still difficult to internalize. "I suppose it must be quite obvious," he said.

"Well, yes. Why don't we sit down for a few minutes? Have some tea?"

He glanced back over at Kairi.

"The girl can wait a little while, I think," Ansem said gently.

Ienzo tried to swallow the nerves. They went back into the office, gathered yet more tea. His feet throbbed when he sat down.

"So what is it?" Ansem asked.

He took a deep breath. "I feel… undeserving," he began. "Of so many things. Receiving any comfort from you after what I've put you through, firstly."

"Ienzo, you were not the one to oust me from this place. You said yourself that you were a child, and they lied to you about the reason for my… disappearance." He winced.

"Even so. If I had not convinced you to build that lab-"

"If I recall correctly, the intentions for it were much different, much less insidious, at the time," Ansem continued. "Not to mention… the others, especially Xehanort, knew how much of a soft spot I had for you. I'm sure it was easy to make you think it was all your idea."

Ienzo shook his head slowly. "I should've known better."

"You were a boy," he said. "Ienzo, your expectations of your past self in the situation are far too high. A child can only know what they've been taught."

"You hold no resentment whatsoever?" Ienzo asked. "I find that hard to believe."

Ansem sighed. "I had a lot of time to think, where I was, and yet more now that we've been here. To say I do not have any bitterness in my heart is a lie. At the same time… I've seen your ambition, since you're yourself again. You mean to atone for your mistakes. So do I. I have no reason to hold any blame for you anymore. It won't help either of us move on."

Move on. Ienzo did not know how to move on. He wondered, briefly, what his life would be like once this was all over, and felt a seed of dread tighten in his stomach. Especially with Riku gone.

"What's on your mind?" Ansem asked.

"I just…" Ienzo exhaled and smoothed the ascot tied at his throat. "The truth is lately I've been feeling a great many things that scare me. Everything about this life seems so… loud and so intense. And I worry about… what the outcome of those feelings might be. I know I don't deserve it."

"Whatever do you mean?" The glint in his eye suggested he may know what Ienzo was referring to, but wanted to make him say it.

Very well. "I'm concerned I may be…" He took a quick breath. Saying it would make it concrete, more concrete than the feelings in his body. "That I may be harboring feelings? For someone?"

Ansem tapped his fingertips together. "Romantic feelings?"

"Maybe? I don't know," Ienzo said, knowing instantly that was a lie. He felt his face flush. "And I don't… Master, I don't know how to do friendship and I clearly don't know how to do family. How am I supposed to be able to… be good enough for this person? For anyone?" He took a long drink of the still-quite-hot tea to smother the lump in his throat.

Ansem thought about it. "Ienzo, ever since I've been back here I haven't seen you stray once onto that selfish, dark path. I see what you've devoted in order to atone, and I also see its price. You're a young person. You needn't waste all your years alone in solitary work-regardless of how that companionship may manifest."

Ienzo shook his head slowly. "I have so much to make up for."

Ansem leaned forward. "And you are. You will. But I don't think that punishing yourself when you are doing everything in your power already will help the situation."

Ienzo wanted to believe that so badly.

"You are too young to have such a heavy heart," Ansem said. "Ultimately… you were also someone who lost years of your life due to the experiments and the circumstance. You were also a victim."

Ienzo felt tears in his eyes. "No. That can't be true."

"You were a child. Lied to. Manipulated. It should've been the adults in the situation who stopped this, yet they did not. How can it be your fault that you turned out a certain way? It is possible for it to be true that you were both a victim and you did things of enormous consequence. One, in fact, begat the other."

Ienzo didn't know what to say.

Ansem smiled sadly. "I know I cannot convince you to forgive yourself. That's something that you have to do yourself. But I hope you can begin to do so. Remaining trapped within those feelings only gives your mistakes more power."

He was right, Ienzo realized. He was right. The tears broke free.

Ansem squeezed his hand. "I think the object of your affection understands this well."

Ienzo sniffled. "Is it very obvious? Does everyone know?"

"Not quite. Even is still Even, after all, oblivious as always. But what I know of the boy… what I've experienced of him firsthand…" Ansem sighed. "I think he understands, Ienzo, better even than you might think. Moreover…" A mischievous glint came into his eye. "I think he may feel the same."

"I know he does," Ienzo said.

"You feel you do not deserve such things."

"I know I don't. And we're now going around and around in circles." He brought a hand to his forehead.

Ansem thought a moment. "Have you talked about it?"

"I can't just bring it up. "

"Why not? If you're so sure it's mutual?"

"It'd change everything. He has… he has a whole life. And I have…" He faltered on "nothing." "Perhaps this is just desperation and loneliness on my part, because I…" He realized he had nothing else to say.

Because he was, essentially, making excuses.

Slowly, Ienzo stood. "I see," he said. "Thank you for the tea and sympathy."

"Where are you going?"

"I need to think," he said. "I'll… I'll be back to work in a little while."

Ansem nodded. "Take your time," he said.

Riku sighed and flexed his hands. He'd just spent the better part of an hour cranking bolts into place with a ratchet wrench, and his wrist was killing him. He put the wrench back in its toolbox, took off his brace, and gave it a good stretch. He could go to any of the healers he knew and have them fix it. But for some reason it always slipped his mind, or wasn't bad enough, to warrant fixing. A quick rebreak and it would be back to normal.

He went back to his room, showered and got changed. It was already getting cool again. The year mark was coming up fast.

For perhaps the first time… Riku almost wished it would last a little longer. But then he thought of his friends, conscious, alive, and the thought disappeared.

Only to reappear when he saw Ienzo at his doorway. "Oh, hey Ienzo," Riku said. The other boy looked a bit stressed, his face pinched and eyes red. "Are you… okay?"

"Do you… have a few minutes? Or were you on your way out?" His nostrils flared a little.

He tugged his hair back into its customary ponytail. "I've got time."

"...Walk with me?"

The sun was just starting to set. Ienzo's pace was brisk, almost frenetic, and Riku's anxiety spiked. "Did something happen?" he asked.

"Kairi is fine," Ienzo reassured him quickly, though he seemed no less agitated. "This has nothing to do with that."

"Then… what does …"

They ended up in a breezeway that overlooked the town. Ienzo took a deep breath. "I need to say something before I lose my nerve," he began. "Because it has been causing me an awful lot of stress and frankly I'd like to just put the whole matter to bed."

Riku blinked. "I don't follow."

He ran his hands through his hair. "This whole… game between us, the past few months," he said. "The… banter, the longing gazes, the…" He exhaled in frustration. "Once she's awake you'll have a job to do and I can't afford to keep taking you from it."

Riku felt somewhat paralyzed. "Taking me… from it?"

Ienzo looked him in the eye. There was something pleading in his own. "I…" He was breathing audibly. "I feel something for you, something I shouldn't, and I just think… well-" He stuttered. Riku had never seen him like this, and it made his own pulse thunder in his ears. "You deserve better. I'd hold you back. The darkness of our pasts-"

He put up a hand. "Wait. Wait. Slow down. Just breathe a minute. You like me?"

"Unfortunately."

He couldn't quite suppress the beginnings of a smile.

"But it'd never work."

Riku was dizzy. "But-why?"

Ienzo rubbed his upper arms, like he was cold. "I'm older than you, our lives have had vastly different paths. We don't even have much in common-"

"What is it really about?"

Ienzo seemed startled. "I'm not…" He was trembling. "You're… I'm not good enough, Riku, I'm just not. If you knew even half of the things I've done you'd run out of here screaming."

"For some reason I doubt that." He took a step closer to him. "Both of our lives have been shaped by darkness."

"But you've overcome it, and I'm-"

"No, it's not something you can just overcome ," he said. "It takes… it takes work, day in and day out, and even then, it's still… part of you. But choosing a different path… like we both have… that's what matters."

"I'm just starting," Ienzo whispered.

"But you're starting," he pointed out. He was close to him now, close enough to realize that they were very nearly the same height. "And so far I think you're doing awesome."

"You deserve someone whole," Ienzo said.

"Someone "whole" wouldn't get it," Riku said, daring to gently rest a hand on his shoulder. "You're the only person I can talk to about these sorts of things. The only person who doesn't make me feel… well, insane , or kind of disgusting about it."

Ienzo let out a long breath. "I see," he said softly. "So… what now, then?"

"I know what I want," he said. "But do you?"

"I think I do." He reached up and brushed his fingers across Riku's cheek, his touch so soft and delicate Riku shuddered. "I… I must be crazy…"

"Then we both are, I think."

Ienzo leaned in a little closer, almost hesitantly. Riku could smell him, something like sandalwood, and for a second he thought he might faint-

He nodded a little, to show this was okay, this was wanted, and finally Ienzo closed the gap and kissed him.

For some reason Riku thought he might have more experience, but as they grappled it was clear this was uncharted territory for both of them, messy and a bit awkward. But it was really happening, he was actually kissing him, and after this strange moment of trying to learn what to do they both seemed to understand a bit better. They were both breathing shakily. Riku pulled him closer. The sensation of touch after so long without was overwhelming, making him feel still dizzier. This was so- nice -

After an unknowable amount of time, Ienzo pulled away. "Oh," he said softly, touching his lip. "I see. I suppose it was clear I've never-"

"Me either."

"Really? I'm surprised."

He raised an eyebrow. "When would I have the time?"

"Well, perhaps when you were in school-have you seen you?" he asked.

Riku laughed, and Ienzo did too, and finally Riku saw the awful tension leave his shoulders. "You're not so bad yourself. So… what should we do now?"

"We could finish our walk," he said. "I'm… dizzy. "

"I am too."

Ienzo offered his hand. "Might as well. Isn't this what people do?"

He took it. "I think so. Yeah."

Another small burst of nervous laughter. "That was not how I expected today to go," he said.

"Uh, yeah, I would think so," Riku said.

A few beats of silence. "But what about the future?"

"Let's not think about that," Riku said. "Why don't we just… enjoy this?"

"...Alright."