Hey guys! I'm so sorry that I've been gone so long! But, here I am with another chapter! I do hope yall can enjoy it! I hope to update again soon cause things are gonna get a little more juicy so just be patient and I'll try to get things ready at a good pace! Wish me luck!
Sasuke twiddles with his pen, as he stares blankly at his homework in front of him.
His thoughts drifting from his homework to Naruto with his disappearing act.
Sasuke huffs, why did he bug him so bad and then decide to leave again?
He slams his pen on the desk and stands up, irritated.
It's been two weeks and still, not even the smallest of signs to show Naruto was ever here. Unless, you count the war going on inside Sasuke's own brain, of course.
He turns on some live beats on YouTube and just sprawls out across his bed, his mind zooming around from everything to the past to the future.
He thinks about Naruto; the Naruto from the past, who was like sunlight to Sasuke's life; the Naruto from the present, who has now brought a dark cloud to hang over him; and then the Naruto of the future, who could be anywhere or be anything, who might be the light in someone else's life.
Sasuke pictures the pained expression Naruto wore when he hit him, and from all the other times he has pushed him away.
How many more times can he push him away before he gives in and accepts him back?
All the childhood memories rush back, a shot of dopamine shooting off in his brain at the thought of such lovely memories that he so desperately still clings on to.
His heart filled with pain that he can't relive those precious times, times his misses more than his words could ever describe.
They could've been making memories this whole time too but because of Naruto's harsh rejection, those possibilities vanished before they had even had a chance to begin.
Should Sasuke message him?
Maybe if they can at least talk about it and work through it, then he wouldn't go on living with some weight on his shoulders, or a hole in his heart, or a dark cloud over his head.
Maybe the best way to fully move on, is to gain such closure.
Sasuke thinks on it and laughs at himself for running away so much.
Of course, he hasn't moved on, his behavior completely shows that much.
Naruto, at first, was running away by ignoring the problem. While Sasuke kept running away by always bringing up the problem.
No wonder they can't move on.
Sasuke grabs his phone and flips through it, he hesitates, his finger hovering above Naruto's name.
He frowns.
He tosses his phone to the foot of his bed and rolls over onto his side.
"Back when we lived in caves, our survival often depended on our ability to figure out fast who was a friend and who was foe." Doc says.
"The amygdala served to make the snap judgments that kept us alive. It's what's known as the fight-or-flight response." Doc walks over to a chart of the brain and points out the amygdala.
"Fight or flight may be a primitive neurological response, but that doesn't mean these are bad options." Doc crosses his arms.
"Sometimes fighting for what we want is the right thing to do. Though often, what we're really fighting is our own fear; fear of getting hurt and making the same mistakes all over again." He walks across the room, eyeing each one of his students.
He sees Sasuke and gives a small nod.
"But sometimes the wisest thing is to get the hell out of dodge. Go off on our own."
"That can be a little scary, not just for us, but for the people we leave behind because odds are they're just not gonna understand." He sits back against his desk.
"Every now and then, we need to break with the past and take a leap into uncharted territory. But even if we choose to fly away, well, that doesn't mean we're never coming back, does it?"
Doc looks around the class silently, letting his words sink into the young, eager minds of his students.
"Alright, class dismissed."
Sasuke steps out of his class, his mind full of useful knowledge but his timid heart not yet ready for the change in perspective.
What Doc said was true but why is it that Sasuke still doesn't have the courage to send that message, to gain that closure?
Why is it so hard to open the gate and run free?
Is it because its uncharted territory? Because even though Sasuke lives in this state, it's all he knows?
What will it take for him to finally choose happiness?
What is the right choice to make him happy? Getting closure, or working things out with Naruto and going back to being friends, or by tossing Naruto aside and moving on without any closure?
Naruto finally gave him what he has been wanting, to be left alone. So, why is he angry at Naruto for actually leaving?
Where is the answer to be found?
Why can't he make such a simple decision?
Why is he tormented so much by Naruto?
Or, is he tormented by himself?
Shikamaru sits back in his chair, he takes a deep breath as he lets his pencil roll out of his hand and across his desk.
His mind drifts onto the clouds, his desperate need to watch them making his heart ache, the loss of the mindless gazing causing him more stress than one might would think.
His mind then drifts to his best friend, who is living it up at another college in another state.
He misses him.
More than a friend really should.
More than a man should for another man.
Back in high school, Shikamaru and Sasuke weren't very close at all, they had the same circle of friends, but hardly ever did the two of them speak, not until that day Shikamaru caught Sasuke upset on the bench during Christmas.
Only then did the two of them finally realize how much in common they actually had and only then did they start to become such great friends.
Shikamaru became Sasuke's confidant and best friend, while Sasuke became the center of Shikamaru's very own desires.
But, he couldn't ever make a move, not only was his own fear of rejection getting in the way, but so was Sasuke's own love for another man.
Even as the days turned into weeks and weeks into months and months into years, Sasuke's pain over losing Naruto has kept him chained to the presence of a man who was no longer by his side. Eventually, Sasuke quit talking about it but the loneliness and pain in those eyes never faded.
And now Naruto has returned and has stirred up those old feelings of Sasuke's and that has, in turn, stirred of feelings of jealously and anger in Shikamaru.
And now, he has to prove to Sasuke that he is indeed the one for him but first and most importantly, he needs to be a friend to Sasuke.
So Shikamaru sighs and stands up, heading for the door, quickly rushing to the fleeting clouds.
A knock on the door startles Naruto out of his haze, his irritation suddenly growing.
Naruto walks over to the door and swings it open, prepared to tell whoever it is to leave him alone, but he holds his tongue when he sees Kirie.
"Naruto? What's wrong? You look upset." Kirie brushes her hand across his cheek.
Naruto sighs, "It's nothing for you to worry about."
He turns and heads back inside, Kirie right on his heels.
"Come on, Naruto. I know you, you can't hide anything from me."
Naruto scoffs and laughs a little.
"What?" Kirie puts her hands on her hips.
"Are you hiding something from me?"
Naruto looks up and sees pain in her eyes, he gets up and walks over to her.
"No, I'm not." Naruto sighs and lays his head on her shoulder.
He feels her warm arms wrap around him, securing him.
"It's just I hurt Sasuke real bad and I tried to make it all better and be friends with him again, but he keeps saying no and then about two weeks ago, he punched me, I drove him so mad that he actually resulted to violence and Sasuke is not a violent person."
Naruto wraps his arms around Kirie as he confesses.
"So I told him that I'll stop trying to be friends with him and I stayed away for two weeks so far but it's driving me mad. I wanna see him."
Kirie rubs up and down Naruto's back.
"Well, did you properly apologize?"
"Yeah, I believe so. I bared my heart out to him, but he still rejected me."
"Well, you know, isn't that what you did to him too?"
Naruto looks up for her to explain.
"Sasuke confessed his love for you and you told him that you couldn't accept him, he also barred his heart to you and only received rejection."
Naruto looks down in shame from the memory.
"I'm in love with you"
Naruto's heart leaps forward.
"So he is probably scarred, you weren't just an object of his affection, you were also his best friend. That day he lost the love of his life and his best friend all in one."
"Seeing you would remind him of that pain and those memories."
Naruto nods.
"So I think it's probably best if you don't see him anymore."
Naruto looks up a little surprised.
"I mean, he is the guy who confessed his love for you, you know. What girl wants her boyfriend hanging out with that person?" Kirie pouts.
Naruto nods in understanding.
"But I'm dating you and I like girls, so why would having Sasuke as a friend even bother you?"
"Cause he is in love with you?" She says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"He could influence you or something."
"What?" Naruto laughs.
"So you don't think hanging out with a gay man will influence you at all?"
"No."
Kirie scoffs, "It will though. I just rather not have my boyfriend off with someone else."
"What happened to earlier then? You seemed like you wanted to help Sasuke."
"All I did was tell you what he may be feeling. I never said go run to him."
Naruto is so confused he can't even reply.
"Anyway, I'ma get going, got some things to do. Night, love you." Kirie walks to the door, not waiting for a reply before she leaves.
Naruto just stands there dumbfounded.
The sun set and Shikamaru decides to finally go back to his dorm room after relaxing for a few hours.
When he walks in, he sees his phone blinking.
He sees he has a message from Sasuke hours ago.
"I'm on my way."
After his initial surprise, he laughs, his heart speeding up slightly.
Sasuke sits on the bus, waiting for it to start off into the night. He wants to see his best friend because he is going crazy with the thoughts of a past love that may actually be a present love.
Naruto has also been a constant image in his head, he eventually learned to live with it, and so he thought he forgot, but he never could forget the pain or the love he had or has for him.
Right now, Sasuke needs a friend, someone he can truly talk too. He wants to let all these feelings out of his heart, and he wants to spend time with the only person who stuck by him.
As the bus starts to drive off, he pulls out his MP3, scrolling through, looking for a song to relax his racing mind. Desperate for any distraction that could ease his tension.
As he is scrolling, he finds a song that he recently started listening to, and he smiles as he clicks the song, the fresh sound flowing through his ears and easing, already, the tension in his mind.
"I want a house"
"Build of all woods"
"You can paint it any colours you like"
"Just as long as I can live with you"
"I want a house"
"Build of all woods"
"You can paint it any colours you like"
"Just as long as I can live with you"
"I want a house"
"Build of all woods"
"You can paint it any colours you like"
"Just as long as I can live with you"
"I want a house"
"Build of all woods"
"You can paint it any colours you like"
"Just as long as I can live with you"
Before the song had even finished, Sasuke had another song all ready to click play.
"I've got a friend"
"She calls me brother"
"There ain't nobody we can not live without"
"We don't need nothing"
"Except each other"
"But there's no reason to say it at loud"
"The moon is there for you tonight"
"I feel the beating of heart and"
"You should forget it for a while"
"We're not just friends"
"I know you want me to stop the time, time"
"To stop the time, time"
Sasuke closes his eyes and bobs his head to the upbeat tune, his feet moving slightly to the beat.
"I've got enough"
"Don't wanna know if"
"It leads to nothing, you won't give it a chance"
"Leaving your life"
"I need to tell you"
"You could have known it's gonna be the last dance"
"The moon is there for you tonight"
"I feel the beating of heart and"
"You should forget it for a while"
"We're not just friends"
"I know you want me to stop the time, time"
"To stop the time, time"
"To stop the time"
"(I've got a friend"
"She calls me brother) Time"
"(I've got a friend"
"She calls me brother) Time"
As the bus continues on its way, Sasuke continues to play song after song.
Naruto walks around the city, the moon big in the sky but the city lights are what show the way.
His thoughts drift to Sasuke and then back to Kirie, then trail off into self-pity.
His heart aches, his mind tired from the constant barage of emotions flowing their way into his body.
Naruto looks around at the beautifully lit city, feeling empty and more alone now then ever. He pushed his best friend away for the love of feeling like everyone else. He pushed away the man who stood beside him and knew almost everything about him for the facade of being a straight male. Now, while he does love Kirie, his relationship with her didn't start out completely because of young love, but because he wanted to appear normal.
And this is what that has gotten him.
No wonder Sasuke still doesn't want him, if he can push him away over this, then what's stopping him from doing it again? Sasuke must also be afraid of getting hurt in the same way and being abandoned all over again whenever it seems convenient for Naruto.
Naruto huffs at that realization.
He lowers his head in shame, that thought breaking his heart.
He needs to fix this somehow, but how? After all the damage he has caused, what can he do to fix it all?
Without fully coming up with a plan, Naruto runs off in the direction to Sasuke's dorm.
His heavy breaths and pounding heart all he hears, the ache of his legs burning through his whole body but still, he continues to push forward, nothing but Sasuke's face in his mind.
After running all the way back, he finally gets to Sasuke's dorm room, his pants echo in the empty hallway.
Naruto gathers himself before knocking on the door.
He waits.
No answer.
He knocks again.
And again, no answer.
Naruto, confused, knocks again while calling Sasuke's name and yet again, the same result.
"Maybe he is out somewhere?" Naruto whispers to himself disappointed.
"Guess I'll come back in the morning." He sighs and heads back off into the direction of his own dorm.
His aching body begging for rest, his tired mind desperate for sleep.
But his damaged heart begging for progress.
When Naruto returns to his room, he gets ready for bed and as he lies down, he wishes for a dreamless sleep.
When Naruto awakes, open his listless eyes, he stares blankly at the white ceiling above him, his body and mind both fatigued, the endless thoughts of Sasuke twirl around in his guilt filled head, he wants to get up, he wants to go see him, but he feels so down, he feels like giving up.
But, if he did that then it would be no different then when he gave up on him back in high school, so Naruto forces his tired body up and out of bed to go try again.
Naruto stands in front of Sasuke's door, hesitating to knock on the door, his hand hovering awkwardly in the air.
He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves.
He pulls his hand back and knocks.
He waits.
His heart beating like mad in his chest, butterflies fluttering in his stomach so intensly that it makes him feel like puking.
When no answer arrives, he gently lifts his shaking hands to knock again but yet again, no answer is to come.
Naruto lowers his head in disappointment and walks back to his room.
Shikamaru jumps up when he hears a knock on his door, he's been excitedly waiting for Sasuke's arrival.
Shikamaru runs off to the door, swinging it open, revealing a sad looking Sasuke putting on a fake smile, a smile Shikamaru can easily see through.
"Hey buddy" Shikamaru says sadly.
Sasuke's smile moves upward just slightly, "Hey buddy."
"Come on in, let's talk."
Sasuke's smile falls as he nods.
They move to the bed and sit down, cross-legged across from one another.
"Alright, come on, tell me what's happened."
Sasuke bites his thumb, his emotions are running haywire, and he is so confused by everything, he feels stuck and his depression continues to get worse.
" I hit Naruto."
Shikamaru's eyes widen, "What? For real? What happened? What did he do?"
Shikmaru can feel his anger start to increase as he tries to calm himself.
"Well, he kept trying to talk to me and I ran away from him but he caught me and I just turned around and hit him, it surprised me too that I could do that. Then I ran back up to my room and he sent me a text telling me he was sorry and won't bother me anymore."
Shikmaru grits his teeth, "Good, he needs to leave you alone. You shouldn't ever have to seen that dirt bag again. He has done nothing but cause you trouble."
Tears slip from Sasuke's face.
"Shika, but that's the problem, I don't want him to leave me alone."
"What? You can't be serious. He broke your heart, Sasuke. He rejected you and chose someone else."
"It wasn't really until he texted me that and then I didn't seem him for a while and it felt like my heart broke all over again." Sasuke's tears are free flowing now.
"Sas-"
" Before I was upset that he wouldn't leave me alone, but part of me was sorta happy that he was fighting for me, unlike before. But my emotions were so wild, I hated him for what he did, he didn't fight for me, wasn't there for me in the end and that hurt so badly, it got to a point where it hurt to be near him, cause I felt like I didn't matter anymore, he wasn't thinking of me anymore."
"Sasuk-"
"Just wait, Shikamaru." Sasuke looks up at him with tear filled eyes.
Shikamaru closes his lips.
"Do you know how hard it is to push someone away that you wanna be with? It's been one of the hardest things I've done. My heart is literally breaking. I know I shouldn't accept him back but-" Sasuke starts sobbing, his throat constricts as he talks, "but I still love him, I never stopped loving him, I just grew accustomed to the pain without him, but my chest never stopped hurting, my heart never stopped beating for him."
"That's ridiculous, Sasuke. I saw you heal, you were happy until he came back around. You stopped thinking about him."
"Ridiculous? How? I was so in love with him for so many years, Shika. I lived for his presence, I lived for him to be by my side, and I wanted that to last for as long as I lived and breathed." Sasuke laughs, "Well, how can I expect you to understand, you're not in love and never have been, you haven't dated as long as I've known you."
Shikamaru is taken aback but in light of the moment he composes himself slightly.
"Never been in love, huh?" He gives a sarcastic chuckle.
"Yeah, I'm just trying to explain this to you, Shika. I'm so confused and I long for him. My body literally feels drawn to him, when I see him, I just almost gravitate towards him. No amount of time could pass that I wouldn't feel that way."
"But I lost that trust in him, how am I suppose to believe he won't just up and leave again. I'm so scared that if I give him a second chance that he would leave me again and I don't know if I could handle that a second time, not if I opened myself up again."
"Well, do what you want, but I won't be here if your heart is broken again."
Shikamaru tenses, knowing he shouldn't have said that, but he feels so offended and so hurt that the words just slip from his usually tight-lipped mouth.
Sasuke stares at him, shocked before his tears start falling and falling all over again.
"You won't be here?"
"No." He looks at Sasuke, anger ingrained in his otherwise peaceful looking features.
"So if I give him a second chance at all, even if my heart won't break, will you stay then?"
"No. If you choose him, I won't be here."
Sasuke is sobbing again, he can barely get his words out.
"Why?"
"I can't watch y'all be together. I couldn't take watching you, not only with the man that broke you, but I can't watch you be with someone else."
"What are you talking about?! Why would you leave me?"
Shikamaru feels tears well up in his eyes, he really can't stand to see the man he loves broken and crying.
"Why Shika?"
"Because! I'm in freaking love with you, Sasuke!"
Sasuke stops crying, he feels the blood rush up to his head, he feels now like everything is seriously falling apart.
Silence fills the air, making Shikamaru nervous; he just confessed and now his best friend isn't saying anything.
Shikamaru feels sweat dripping down his neck and all the way down his back, he rubs the sweat off his palms onto his pants.
"You can't be. Why?"
"What do you mean why? Why do you love Naruto? I just love you alright? They way you get excited over the littlest of things, the dipples that come out on your face when you smile. How you care so much about the people around you, how you will dance in the middle of the night and sing your heart out, I love everything about you, Sasuke. You give me a happiness I've never felt in this life, you bring me life."
"No, you can't. I- I-"
"I know. You love Naruto, I know you've never felt those feelings for me. But I love you."
Sasuke stands up, his eyes wide with fear, the feeling of the world falling makes him sick.
He looks at Shikamaru's face, contorted with worry and fear and sadness.
Sasuke has to look away, he knows he is gonna hurt him but his has to get away, he can't do this, the room is spinning too fast.
Sasuke quickly walks out the door, leaving a tearful Shikamaru alone in the room.
This can't be happening, this can't be happening.
Why can't things just work out the way they are supposed too? Why can't things be normal for a change?
Sasuke has to go home, he can't be here.
Naruto sits outside in the early mornings, worried sick about Sasuke, he just keeps losing sleep.
Naruto longs to touch Sasuke.
His memories of him fly through his mind, the jokes, the late night talks, the bond.
The time those cops pranked them flies through his mind and makes him chuckle sadly at the memory.
He sits and thinks about how he purposefully ditched Sasuke for Kirie all because of fear.
He rubs his head in shame, the memory of that makes his heart burn.
Why can't things be normal? Why is this happening?
Weren't things supposed to be perfect when you fell in love? Weren't things suppose to get better?
Is this what it feels like to be lonely?
Nothing is the same without him.
His life is in jambles ever since Sasuke confessed, when he realized they could've had a chance, and he ruined it, his whole world feels like it's falling into a black hole.
What are the chances of them finally being together?
Naruto sighs, first things first, he has to break up with Kirie.
He stands up, trying to prepare himself for yet another person to hurt, but he can't be that guy anymore and everyone deserves better.
It's time to be the bigger man.
It's time to be honest.
Soooooo? What are you guys thinking? I've had pretty bad writers block, tons of stuff going on too and so it's been pretty hard to even get motivation to write, so I apologize for how late this chapter is! But, I hope you enjoyed it! I look forward to hearing the opinions of my readers! Thank you so much for sticking with me and with this story, it's become a way that I express my built up emotions and this story means a great deal to me. It's my pain and my happiness.