Hello all! I'm back with Chapter 19! I hope you all enjoy and thank you for reading. :D
Kirie notices the sun making its announcement through her window, surprised by how long she stayed up.
Yet, even at her surprise, her anger does not subside.
Her chest is tight with fury, her heading spinning with the memories of not just the good between her and Naruto but with the memories of the last couple days.
The betrayal, Sasuke, the lies: everything about her relationship is a lie, at least that's what Naruto said, but she doesn't fully believe that.
All those nights they spent talking and laughing, all those days of being together and smiling, years of love; how can all this be a lie? She use to see affection, love in his eyes, and yet she is supposed to believe that he was in love with someone else all along. That she was played a fool to cover up his own insecurities.
Doubtful.
Maybe Sasuke is blackmailing him, maybe Naruto's desperate attempts of being friends again means he has to pretend to be gay.
What if that is how he is blackmailing him. What if Sasuke is jealous and wants Naruto back but only to himself, so because of Naruto's own desperation, Sasuke tells him he has to abandoned Kirie. Or what if Sasuke threatens to spread rumors of him being gay or worse.
Kirie is determined to "save" Naruto from Sasuke, whom she deems an enemy.
But she needs to think fast or Sasuke will have a hold on him for good.
Because, Naruto is hers and hers alone, and true love doesn't end that easily. She has to save him.
xxx
Shikamaru had laid in bed the entire day, his mind running through everything that had transpired with Sasuke and Naruto. How could this have come?
Shikamaru could feel his heart breaking, the pain in his chest so intense that he wondered whether it was a heart attack or a panic attack, but he knew it was his heart breaking.
He laughs, who know a broken heart felt like your heart was almost literally being ripped in two.
He could barely get out of bed with the intense pressure in his chest.
As the day started to grow towards its end, his thoughts went from self-pity to trying to think more logical, but with emotions like these, that seems almost impossible.
But first and foremost, Sasuke's well-being and happiness is what matters most to him.
But why was it so painful? Why couldn't he just be a selfish person and fight for Sasuke?
Fear a rejection? Probably, Sasuke would never choose him over Naruto, and that in itself hurts most.
But he never wants to lose his friendship with him, but what if things turn out for himself like it did for Sasuke? Getting pushed away for being the third wheel, while the other two see only each other.
Shikamaru's thoughts ran wild.
No matter what choice he made, he knew that he would continue to feel alone and heartbroken, but could he actually heal? Not heal in Sasuke terms which basically means never heal, but genuinely heal and be able to move on in this situation no matter the choice he does make?
The only thing he does know, is not only should he make a choice to first take care of his heart, but he don't wanna leave Sasuke.
But what is the right choice?
Shikamaru thinks this over and over.
He doesn't believe Naruto has changed, he pretty much forced himself on Sasuke so much everyday that Sasuke is probably just giving in.
He watched Sasuke for years, watched him as he healed, or, so he thought.
Can love be that powerful? That you would still choose the person that betrayed you and hurt you so much?
Or maybe Sasuke has his own insecurities that cause him to accept back the idiot that hurt him, because of the friendship they did have and the things they went throught together.
Shikamaru gets angry, he knows Sasuke, and he isn't about to just let that idiot come into his life and mess him up again.
No.
This time Shikamaru will fight, he won't be the same nonchalant guy anymore who just watches people.
This time he will fight for Sasuke, it's not even about Sasuke accepting his love, but about protecting the person he cares so much about.
He won't let this happen.
Shikamaru knows he needs to come up with a plan.
xxx
After Naruto and Sasuke returned from the trip, they went their separate ways, so they can study and get ready for class.
As Sasuke is alone getting ready, he feels guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders, as well as confusion.
What can he do?
He doesn't want to be like Naruto and abandon his best friend and hurt him for love, but now is his chance to finally be with Naruto too.
But, finding out that Shikamaru is in love with him too, everything is all complicated; or maybe Sasuke is making it more complicated than it should be.
He sighs, he needs to put this all out of his head for now and focus on his class.
Sasuke packs everything up he needs and slowly walks to his favorite class, with each step, the guilt getting heavier and heavier.
His thoughts drifting back into the past, from the loss of his parents and the strength he received from Naruto, to growing up and falling in love with Naruto, the sleepovers, the happiness that seems too far away to reach.
Then the rejection, the betrayal, and the amazing friendship with Shikamaru that continues to grow everyday after that; the happiness and sleepovers they too have shared. The strength from Shikamaru that he got from losing Naruto.
Two people in his life, so important, he is torn between them.
Is Naruto a dream of the past or a reality and hope for the future?
Or is his friendship with Shikamaru the best way to go?
Because, he can't have both, can he? How selfish would that be?
Maybe, just maybe, it's himself that is the problem; and maybe it's time he removes himself from the equation.
He is causing too much pain to too many people.
Sasuke's head hangs low as he walks to class, his thoughts only getting darker and darker as each foot moves forward.
He is the one who must let go and move on alone. Maybe he is supposed to be alone forever, because how can someone like him achieve happiness?
Happiness is nothing more than a few chemicals in your brain firing away, reality is nothing but fiction, so what really is happiness? How do you achieve it?
Because it seems in Sasuke's case, every time that chemical fires away in his brain, something bad happens.
It makes more sense to give up.
Sasuke gets to class and slowly approaches his seat, his thoughts still playing like a tired movie over in his head.
He sits there, staring at the wall, wallowing in self-pity until the bell rings as the last student hurries to their seat.
Doc sits where he normally does, right on top of his desk waiting to capture the interests of young minds in neuropsychology.
He looks around the room before he starts.
"'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.'" Doc scopes the room, looking at all the students, "Or will they?"
"The same areas of the brain get activated when we experience social rejection or the betrayal of a loved one as when we spill hot coffee on our arm."
Doc stands up and faces us, looking at each of us, hoping to sink his incredible knowledge into the students.
"In other words, emotional pain hurts the same as physical pain. Science has developed drugs that can alleviate and, in some cases, eliminate our physical pain, and some of those same drugs are now proving helpful in eliminating our emotional pain. So the prescription for a broken heart might actually be 'Take two Tylenol and call me in the morning.'"
The students laugh at his joke as Doc smiles.
Sasuke just watches him, focusing on each word, however, the movie in his head continues to play on, tormenting him with so many emotions that his chest begins to tighten.
The air in his lungs feel trapped, his rapid heartbeat begins pulsing in his ears.
He tries taking a deep breath to calm his overacting nerves.
Sasuke clasps his hands tightly together, rubbing his hand with his thumb, trying to nurture himself from what he knows is coming.
A panic attack.
Something people push off as nothing, but Sasuke had been diagnosed with panic disorder a few years ago, no one understands.
No one understands the fear, the helplessness you feel. You feel like you're dying but you're not, you hear the rapid breathing and feel the vibration of your rapid heartbeat, your thoughts racing and racing as your body unfolds into an agonizing reaction of panic.
No one gets it.
He counts his breaths, and does his best to calm down, trying to focus on Doc to calm down, trying to hear the rest of his lecture.
"But is numbing our pain always a good thing? The more we know pain, in all its varying flavors, the more we can appreciate the sensations and the feelings that we like. That's the nature of contrast. If we never felt bitterness or anger, then we... we wouldn't deeply appreciate our happiness. And if we never knew fear, then we couldn't admire courage. So maybe to more fully enjoy the beauty in our lives, we must first acknowledge and embrace our pain."
Sasuke scoffs , 'acknowledging our pain'? How can someone really do that? What if pain is all you feel?
Doc ends the lecture and the students begin clearing out.
Sasuke stops Doc, "Hey, how can someone embrace their pain to feel happiness if pain is all you feel?"
Doc watches him for a second before replying, "Well, Sasuke, wouldn't you agree that by feeling that pain, when you do find happiness, you can truly be happy?"
"Huh?"
"Well, if we all walked around without any problems, without any suffering, would you recognize what happiness is?"
Sasuke thinks for a minute, "I suppose in a world like that...no?"
"Right. To some level of degree you could acknowledge that you're happy but when you experience turmoil, pain, suffering; and then you come across happiness, don't you think that happiness would be almost euphoric? The chemicals in your brain would be firing away during that experience. So wouldn't embracing our pain, acknowledging it; not only help us learn but teach us to appreciate even something small in our lives?"
Sasuke nods, "Yeah, I think I understand now. But sometimes happiness feels like fiction; it feels too far off to grasp."
"Sometimes, Sasuke, it can feel that way; more for some than others, but that doesn't mean you should give up. Instead of searching for a happiness that seems far off, take a look at your life now and learn to appreciate what you do have and learn to find happiness in those and maybe that 'far off happiness' won't seem so far off anymore."
Sasuke nods, his throat tight, "Yeah, I'll try, Doc. Thanks."
"Sasuke, sometimes happiness lays right in front of our eyes, but we choose to be blind to it, sometimes it can seem easier to feel miserable than happy. Open your eyes, what are you blind to right now? What are you not seeing that could be right in front of you?"
Sasuke stares back at the Doc, registering his words, he nods and then leaves.
The dark thoughts haven't left but Sasuke feels like maybe he has a better chance at fighting them right now than he has in a long time.
For so long he relied on something else or someone else to make himself happy, but when alone, he felt misery. He would always fool people he was happy that he began to fool even himself.
He lived in denial for so long.
But now is the time to change that, to not rely on someone else, or on anything else; now, he should learn to be happy by himself.
But, the question is, where to start? How do you start?
Sasuke continues to wonder as he makes his way to his room and into his bed as the darkness seeps deeper and deeper into him as Sasuke tries desperately to figure out a plan to defeat his demons.
How much longer will he suffer before he finally can achieve something more? Something better?
Maybe it's time for a trip.
Some time away, a time to escape and figure things out.
But where will he go? And, how long will he be gone?
Should he even say goodbye?
Goodbyes are hard.
Disappearing has always been easy.
But he isn't a teenager no more who just runs away and makes people worry, despite wanting to do just that.
No, he is a man.
He has to say goodbye; at least for a little while, so he can figure some things out.
xxx
The sun peaks through the blinds; Sasuke however, was awake all night with thoughts running through his head. All night he ignored any texts coming in as he packed up his things, knowing where he wants to go, where he wants to escape too.
New Mexico.
All night he packed, bought tickets and figured out how to say goodbye.
Text is what he is going with, despite how cowardly it makes him feel.
So, early this morning, he is leaving, with no time frame in mind except hopefully achieving something good.
He looks around, everything looks in order, but now it's time for the goodbye.
He grabs his cell phone and pulls up Shikamaru and Naruto's names into a group chat.
"Hey guys, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. I'm sorry you all have to be in this position. It's all my fault and I'm truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me for what I've done and for what I'm about to do. But I'm leaving for a while, hopefully to find something I've been looking for for a long time now. I'm sorry to be doing it this way too. I don't know how long I'll be gone, but for now, this is goodbye."
With that done, Sasuke shuts off his phone and heads off to his destination.
So? Lemme know what you guys think, I love to read the reviews! Thank you so much for reading and stay tuned for the chapters to come! Thank you!