11.

Ienzo only slept heavily for about an hour or two. He woke, disoriented, in the dark, because the texture of his bed was wrong and also in the wrong direction. He was also desperate to pee, which was definitely what had woken him up, and he cursed his decision to try to rehydrate immediately before sleeping.

The room wasn't quite dark even at night, moonlight pouring through the curtains next to Riku's bed. He made his way over to the bathroom as quietly as he could, took care of it, and inched his way back, wincing when the spring in the sofa creaked loudly.

He vainly hoped he would be able to fall asleep soon after, but that proved not to be the case. His body was still on Radiant Garden time, after all, and there it was probably early morning. The sofa was comfortable enough, but it was also foreign.

All of this was foreign.

Cars. TVs. The food, the etiquette, the homes.

The family.

He looked up at the ceiling. It was also hot in here, and even under the one sheet he was sweating. Seeing Riku's family, his very normal, loving parents and his very normal, loving life-

Ienzo had not realized just how abnormal his own life was until that moment. He hadn't internalized it. He could've had something like that, his own parents embarrassingly ribbing him about bringing home a new partner, and welcoming them with open arms. Instead, he'd had Ansem, loving but ultimately too busy to provide what he needed, and Even, who similarly showed his care through being strict and unyielding. And the others, who hadn't sat him down and showed him right from wrong, who let him do those awful things because he was so "brilliant".

He realized he was quite angry, and equally, quite sad. Who would I have been if I were normal? Was Ansem right, that not all of this was his fault?

His mind was spinning too hard to let him fall back to sleep, and it was too hot in here, and honestly he felt a little bit sick to his stomach. The food had all been delicious, but it was richer than what Ienzo was used to, and didn't sit right. He was aware of time passing in that strange way it did when one was unable to sleep, and gradually, he became aware of Riku, also tossing and turning on his bed.

Possibly he was a bit jet-lagged as well.

Ienzo sat up slowly.

Riku blinked wearily. "Sorry, did I wake you?" he asked.

"No, I was up. It's morning according to my body." He offered a smile. "That, and I'm not very good at this "sleeping" thing."

"Me either," Riku said. "I never really was."

"I didn't know you had insomnia," he said.

"Sometimes I can't stop thinking, even if I'm so tired I'm sore."

"Me either."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Normalcy."

Riku sat up. He patted the bed next to him. "No point in us shouting at each other across the room if neither of us is going to sleep."

"...Right." Ienzo crossed the room and sat at the foot of the bed. The mattress was a bit firm. He pulled his legs up under him and hoped his scar wasn't obvious in this light. "That, and it still feels quite warm to me."

"Why didn't you say something?" Riku summoned some magic in his palms and threw a blizzard spell into the room, immediately making it ten times more comfortable. "That should last a few hours. I'm used to it here, I can't tell if you're overheating."

"Better," he said. "Thank you."

"...You were talking about normalcy?"

"Ah. Right." He swallowed. "I… didn't grow up like you, in a house with parents who twitter over my every need. Perhaps to you it feels overbearing… but for the first time I'm thinking about what I might have missed."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. No, I think these are thoughts I need to have," he said. "For so long I was convinced that the things I had done were my fault and my fault alone. But if I had been allowed to grow up normally…"

"Would you have made those same decisions?" Riku asked softly. "Right."

"So I think the change of scenery will be helpful. ...And your mother's cooking will make me quite fat."

He chuckled, but then his expression darkened. "I mean, I grew up normally, but I still did what I did."

Ienzo bit his lip, cursing his lack of tact. "You also had a heart of darkness stoking you, though. If it had not encouraged you-"

"It's okay, Ienzo. I accept I've made those mistakes. I'm… not okay with it, but I'm moving on." He smiled.

"Seems I'm a few steps behind you."

"It's not a race."

"I guess not." There were a few beats of silence, but they were companionable.

"Have you ever thought about leaving Radiant Garden?" Riku asked. "Or even that castle?"

His eyebrows rose.

"You know, get a place of your own? Learn to be a person?"

"Well I… I can't."

"Why not?"

"I still have to… figure out how to atone."

"Maybe learning how to be your own person can help that more than just looking for busywork to do in the castle."

Ienzo did not know how to process that thought.

"Sorry if that was overstepping."

"It wasn't," he said, looking at his moonlight-stained hands. "It just… never occurred to me that was something I can do. That that would help. But… I think you're right."

"Maybe I am."

Ienzo nodded slowly.

The conversation drifted from there, as Ienzo pondered that thought, to the things they might do tomorrow, the people they might see, once the hour was decent. Riku thought a simpler day of going around town might be better, as they were both jet-lagged and sure to be exhausted. Somehow, someway… the conversation became a hum, became nothing, and suddenly Ienzo was waking up.

In Riku's bed. Curled up next to him, actually.

He jerked a little, scrambling to give him personal space, but the quick movement only woke him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to-"

He blinked, fuzzy, some of his hair having pulled out of his braid in the night. "Were you-"

"I fell asleep. On top of you. I don't remember how-" He hadn't deliberately oriented himself that way.

"When you were half asleep I tried to get you to lay down. But I was also half asleep, so I didn't realize I put you next to me," he said. "I might've accidentally cuddled you in the night. I'm sorry. Did that cross a line?"

"No," he said. Thinking about it, it was like some pain had eased in him, just slightly. He had to get used to being touched. "No, I… I think I liked it."

He looked a bit sheepish. "To be fair, we're both awake now. You can see if you actually do."

Ienzo flushed. "You're a softie, aren't you?"

"...Maybe."

Ienzo eased a little closer to him and Riku pulled him close. He rested his head against Riku's neck, his heart beating fast. People did this all the time, he reminded himself. It took a beat too long for him to actually relax into the embrace, the gentle comfort of it. He wasn't used to this, the contact, another body so close to his. Almost tentatively, Riku reached up to stroke his hair, and Ienzo shuddered.

"Is that too much?"

"It feels good," he admitted, almost embarrassed. He let his eyes fall shut, and gradually the shaking stopped. He hoped Riku's hand didn't stray lower than his scalp, lest he accidentally touch the scar and realize. Ienzo knew it was only a matter of time, but aside from collared shirts he had no way of hiding it-chokers were an absolute no . Or if his hips pressed a little harder against Ienzo's he'd also be able to guess at that situation. But as much as Ienzo tried to will himself to put distance between them, he couldn't. He was so tired of holding everyone at arm's length. Ienzo wrapped an arm around his waist.

They held each other for a long time, long enough for him to stop feeling anxious and to start feeling sleepy. Riku kissed the part of his hair. Slowly, Ienzo looked up. He wasn't sure which of them moved first or if it mattered. They were kissing, gently, unhurriedly, flooding Ienzo with warmth. Riku's grip on him tightened.

Oh.

This felt different, too, than the kisses they'd had in the past. It was a bit less timid, a bit hotter , and the attraction Ienzo felt for him, long compartmentalized, came bleeding out. He kissed Riku back harder, felt him respond equally, a small sound catching in his throat, a sound that gave Ienzo a totally new thrill. This was new, this was unexplored, but for once the sensation overwhelming him was a positive one. He felt electric, he felt-

Turned on?

As soon as his attention was drawn to that part of his body, Ienzo's joy was dented by an unpleasant wave of dysphoria. It wouldn't be fair, wouldn't be right , to lead him on only to bait and switch what would be used -he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Riku asked. "Did I push you too far?"

Ienzo sat up and wrapped his arms around himself. He hated that he could still feel it, almost a throbbing - "No," he said. "No, I liked it."

"So... what happened?"

He took a deep breath. "I have to tell you something."

He frowned, his face tight with concern.

"I… I'm…" So much for eloquence. "Transgender?"

"Oh," he said, utterly nonplussed. "Alright. Cool."

"And…" He realized he was curled up, cupping his throat. "For the… for the most part medicine and magic made me comfortable with myself, but… this is uncharted territory, and the… transformation was… not complete in that sense, if you catch my drift, I was told it could be imperfect-" He was babbling, not at all the measured way he'd hoped to confess this.

He turned towards him. "I… think I do, yeah."

"I didn't realize feeling things would cause me discomfort."

"Physically? Ienzo, we don't have to get physical." He cocked his head. "Like, it's fine."

"I know so little about how it actually feels," he mumbled. "I… like this, I don't want to stop, but I feel like… you should know."

He took Ienzo's hand. "Thank you," he said. "It's okay with me. It's all okay."

"You're not…" He forced himself to spit out "disgusted."

"No." He furrowed his brows. "Why… why would I be?"

"Expecting one thing and getting another," he said, his face on fire.

Riku blinked. "I can't pretend I understand what your experience has been like," he said. "But being with someone has been new to both of us. I want both of us to… feel good, and be comfortable. You being like this doesn't change anything."

"Oh," Ienzo said, and he realized he was relieved more than anything. "Yes."

"I mean, if the same were true for me, you wouldn't think anything wrong with it, right?"

"That's true."

"Exactly." He pulled his legs up under him. "Can I ask you a few questions?"

He tried to unfurl. "...Alright."

"When did you know?"

"I was quite small. Before, even, I was adopted by Ansem. That name and pronouns just felt… wrong. Along with all the feminine stereotypes. Ansem let me transition, socially, legally, when I was just six years old. So for the most part the dysphoria stays fairly quiet."

"You said something about it being… imperfect?"

The blush returned. "The recovery would've been grueling and there's no guarantee there would be… full sensation."

" Oh." He also turned red. "Sorry if that was too personal."

"No, it's okay. You're just curious." He cleared his throat. "I have to admit it seems to be a fairly personal choice for all trans people."

"Have you… met anyone else?"

Ienzo thought. "I can't say I have," he admitted. "Then again, quite literally, I do not know many people in general. You're one of the only people my age I have a consistent relationship with."

Riku was silent for a moment, then, reddening further, "I'm sorry, but that means it's… is it possible for you to- um… have a, have a baby?"

Ienzo blinked. He knew why Riku was asking him this. "Well, the odds are incredibly, incredibly slim. I'd say less than one percent."

"Got it. Sorry."

"No, it's… it's a good thing to know." He lowered his hand from his throat at last. The morning sun was slowly getting brighter.

Riku laughed once, awkwardly, and Ienzo did too, the worst of the tension slowly fading. But then… he saw Riku starting at his throat, his head slightly cocked. "What's-"

A stab of anxiety made it hard to breathe. Well, better to rip off the bandaid all at once. "A scar." He leaned a little into the light, to let him see it. Nobody had seen this before.

"From-" His eyes widened. "Oh. Oh no. Oh."

Ienzo swallowed, feeling a painful lump.

"He-" He took a shocked breath. "He did that to you?"

"Yes," Ienzo said slowly.

"No wonder you were so scared. No wonder…"

"I'm alright now. More or less."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. Not at all." Riku looked horrified. Ienzo knew what the scar looked like it implied. "It was the darkness that caused the scarring. Not… the act itself."

He shook his head.

Ienzo cleared his throat. "Those are all the secrets I have for today." He tried to smile.

Riku seemed to gather himself. "Of course yeah. Um. You hungry? You want… coffee?"

"Coffee sounds… very good."