13.

Riku slept harder than he was accustomed to, and woke up somewhat disoriented. He hadn't dreamt at all, which felt strange, and confusing, considering all this time spent focused on dreams and nightmares. In the night Ienzo had shifted to sleep on his belly, his arm still draped loosely over Riku.

He was still in a bit of disbelief over what had happened yesterday, that they'd gone from cuddling to making out to sex in less than a day. Riku's heart still felt full, almost achy. He probed the feeling for a moment.

He knew he'd had strong feelings for Ienzo prior. But for the first time he considered that this might actually be love. He found himself wanting to talk to Kairi about it-she seemed to know what to say with these sorts of things.

He got up slowly, trying not to jostle Ienzo. His hair was a dried, salty, knotted mess, and it would probably be good to put some coffee on. Ienzo groaned and pressed his face into the pillow. "Go back to sleep." It was early, but later than Riku might've thought. As quietly as he could he set up a pot of coffee and went to shower. He felt teary, almost like he might cry, and wondered what that meant. He washed himself slowly, wincing at the pain in his wrist when he washed his hair. It had been feeling better, but he figured that the ache came from all the time he'd spent touching Ienzo. He brushed out his hair, remembering how it'd felt for Ienzo to touch it.

He identified the feeling at last-vulnerability. Their letters had been candid, more emotionally vulnerable. This was something new. More embodied.

It still felt odd to cross the room in just a towel. Ienzo's eyes slit open. "Did I wake you?" Riku asked him.

"I was already mostly awake," Ienzo admitted in a husky voice.

He pulled some clothes and underwear out of the dresser, seeking his everyday brace. He saw the open box of condoms and for some reason felt embarrassed. He dressed and slipped on the brace, Ienzo watching him lazily.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Riku flexed his hand. "I broke this about a year ago," he said, and realized it was more like two. "Hasn't ever felt quite right. If it's ever… uh… exerted , it aches. I'll get over it."

"I take it that was the hand you used to-"

"Yes."

Ienzo laughed a little. "Occupational hazards."

"My own fault. I wasn't thinking." He turned on the coffee machine.

"Why not have someone look at it?" Ienzo asked. He sat up, the sheet slipping off of him. Riku noticed the hickies that had bloomed along his throat and collarbone. He hadn't realized how fair Ienzo was, to burn and bruise so easily.

"Just keeps slipping my mind until it hurts. It's not a big deal."

"Uh-huh," he said, dryly. "Well, if this sort of thing is going to become the new normal for us, I'd hate to cause you undue pain."

He flushed. "That might be an incentive."

He grinned. He got up. "I'm going to shower."

"...Alright."

While he did so, Riku asked Sora and Kairi if they wanted to hang out.

What, you two lovebirds don't want any more time alone ;)? Kairi wrote. Done already ?

Maybe Riku shouldn't tell her about the sex. He'd never hear the end of it.

Ha ha, he wrote. He was still unused to these short little notes. You in or what?

But Selphie and I were going to catch up on the newest season of Girl Detective, she wrote. It was some teen drama they used to watch all the time.

So bring her along.

I think she'll live for one day. I'm in. When were you thinking?

They made plans for later in the day. Riku could see that Sora was reading all of their messages, and felt his heart sink a little. Here he was having a great time with Ienzo, and Sora was miserable.

He still hadn't told Riku exactly what he'd experienced alone, but it was enough to shake his effervescent cheer, and this worried Riku. All they'd gone through and Sora had always been optimistic, talkative, the first to make plans to hang out. But now to not even respond to Riku's invitation? He bit his lip, his sense of worry only increasing. They were all back, all okay, but they weren't all okay.

Sora you in? Riku asked. Ienzo wants to see you.

OK, was the response, nothing more.

Riku sighed and set his phone down. Maybe Ienzo would be able to help somehow. Maybe one of his friends knew enough about psychology to break Sora of this slump.

"You look quite sad," Ienzo said, emerging at last. He'd brought his clothes in with him, so Riku didn't get to see him dress.

"It's more… worry," he admitted, pouring them both coffee. "I'm worried about Sora. He hasn't been himself and he doesn't seem to be getting better. I asked them to hang out and he didn't seem… the least bit excited."

Ienzo frowned. "I'll see if I can gently pry," he said.

"Thank you."

He kissed him once, and Riku tasted the peppermint toothpaste.

"Hungry?" Riku asked.

"Ugh, starved."

"Let's go eat."

They got a quiet breakfast in a local cafe, then returned to hang out until the day got a bit cooler. (Riku had advised Kairi about Ienzo's sensitivity to heat.) They watched some more TV, cuddling on the couch in Riku's room. He could smell Ienzo's shampoo, sweet and clean, and pressed a kiss into the part of his hair. Physical closeness, though so new to them, felt so natural, almost like it had always been like this. Ienzo looked up. "We have a few hours until we have to go, don't we?"

"Unless you want to burn to a crisp."

"I see." His grin was rather wicked, and despite himself Riku was already turned on. "You know I do so hate wasting time."

"...I think we can find something to do."

Ienzo kissed him. It was a thick, heavy kiss, and he turned to wrap one leg around Riku's waist. "I won't mess up your hair this time, I promise," he said. He trailed his lips down Riku's jaw, his throat, making him hard almost instantly.

"I-I like this," he admitted shakily. Ienzo kept kissing him, finding an even more sensitive part just below his ear, and he made a small noise. Riku ran his hands down along Ienzo's arms, the soft muscle, and his breath hitched a little. As much as he wanted to take his clothes off and try again right now , it was probably for the best that they didn't get that involved, and he wasn't sure if Ienzo would even be comfortable with it.

Ienzo returned to his mouth, letting the kiss get still deeper. Riku was content to let him take charge, to govern what he wanted to do. He felt Ienzo's tongue against his lips, slight and curious, and let it in. For a minute it was all awkward messiness, until… it wasn't.

Riku felt himself shaking, trying desperately not to get hot and bothered, but Ienzo was sort of grinding right up against his dick- He knew he should say something before it got to be too much. "I, um-"

"I'm torturing you, aren't I?"

"...Kind of." He tried to catch his breath. "It's… it's really good, but…"

Ienzo cocked his head. Considered. "Rather than… go through all that," he said. "Perhaps we could try just… touching? Unless that would be too hard on your wrist."

"...I have two hands, you know."

He smirked. "Excellent." He turned to kiss him.

"But you're willing to… try something again so soon?"

"I… don't see why not," he said slowly. "I'll never get used to things if I don't try them."

He had a point. "Right."

Ienzo's hand slid down across his chest. Riku's breath caught, his dick throbbing almost brutally. He gasped a little when he felt Ienzo's hand ease down his shorts, taking it out. "What's the best way to-"

Riku adjusted his hand a little.

"Like this?"

"Just… like that." He didn't dare admit that he had fantasized about this moment and ones like it. Maybe Ienzo had been right about the nerves, because this somehow felt fresher, more intense, than yesterday. He felt his head loll back against the cushions. Making sure to use his uninjured hand, he pressed his own down Ienzo's waistband, feeling him jerk a little. "How do you-" He asked with difficulty, hoping Ienzo would understand.

"I'm not… entirely sure."

Not so helpful. "I'll just have to try my best."

Riku wasn't an idiot; of course he knew what the clit was and how important it was. But finding it, and touching it in the right way, wasn't exactly something that was taught. It didn't help that this all sort of just felt like skin. He thought he felt something small and hardened, trying to stroke it, and heard Ienzo gasp. "Is that bad?"

He exhaled. "No, it's promising."

Riku kept trying to do the same thing. He heard Ienzo's breathing growing deeper, more uneven. At least he was getting somewhere.

Ienzo pulled him into another kiss, his hips jutting a bit against Riku's hand. He stroked his dick more quickly now, almost more urgently, and Riku found himself drawing almost painfully close, unsure if he could hang on or for how long. Between the tease of yesterday and how good this felt, not clumsy at all, he felt himself starting to cave. "I…" He couldn't even force the words out. He just barely saw Ienzo grab a tissue from the coffee table to protect their clothing.

"It's alright. I want you to."

He pressed his face against Ienzo's shoulder, muffling the noise he made, a thick rich relief breaking over him at last, making him shiver. He was sure it'd never felt exactly like this, even in his more desperate hormonal moments. He struggled to catch his breath. Ienzo set the crumpled paper aside. "Let me…" He'd definitely never felt brain fog like this afterwards. "Let me try to-"

"Alright."

Riku kissed him, trying to work him with the same insistence. At first it seemed promising, his breath hitching in this beautiful way, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He shifted his grip, slipping a finger inside of him, all wetness and heat, and Ienzo kissed him harder. But then a few moments later,

"No, no, I can't," he moaned, in clear frustration.

"I thought you liked this?"

"I did. I do!" He huffed.

"I can keep going. I'm not tired. I want you to-"

"So do I." He squeezed his shoulders tightly. "I just… the minute you finished…"

"...I'm sorry."

His eyes darkened a little. "No, no, don't be. I wanted to make you feel good, and I did, and I guess… with nothing to focus on other than myself…"

Riku sighed. "Oh." He wasn't sure how to fix this.

"It's okay."

"Not really. It's not fair that I'm the only one who gets to cum." He felt inadequate. Was it the way he'd been touching him? Could he have done it better?

"I really do believe it isn't you," Ienzo said, wincing a little. Riku took his hand away. "Because I almost …" Exhaling. " Almost. "

That was arguably worse than not being close at all. "Do you want me to keep trying?"

"I don't think it'll help right now," he said. As if to soften the blow, he kissed him and got up to wash his hands.

At least the beach was a welcome distraction. And he'd actually been able to make Riku cum. That was a victory.

As much as Ienzo tried to reassure Riku that he was the one preventing it happening-somehow, someway-he still seemed a bit down about it, and they didn't talk much until they had to go.

He'd maybe only had a handful of orgasms in his entire life and most of them were when he was asleep. He wasn't sure how it was supposed to consciously feel. Ienzo knew logically how to make it happen-stimulation of the clitoris, of the internal G-spot. But he so rarely tried himself. All he knew was that for those few delicious moments it had all felt so much better than nice , the sensation that he was actually building towards something better.

Only for him to get in his own way.

As much as he was enjoying his time on the islands, this was the worst his dysphoria had been in years. Ienzo wanted to get over it; he wanted to be able to enjoy sex with Riku. Maybe if they tried penetrative in his other hole, he wouldn't be so preoccupied with what was fucked? But that required preparation that might not even be feasible here. He knew there were sex toys that would make it possible for him to be the one fucking, but he did not know if or where that sort of thing would be on this island.

He took a breath to try to steady himself. They'd only been trying things for two days. The more he worried, the worse he would make it.

They were going to meet Sora and Kairi on the play island. "Kairi's bringing a picnic, so don't worry about food," Riku said.

Eating was the last thing on his mind. "Oh… we should stop and pick something up. Dessert, drinks, something."

"If you want to."

They stopped in a small bakery on the way down to the shore. Ienzo's fascination with native cuisine was blunted somewhat by what had happened. Don't think about it. "What travels easily?" he asked Riku.

"I'd suggest the butter mochi," the bakery worker said. "Going to the beach?"

"Ah… yes, we're meeting friends."

Ienzo got a dozen different little pastries. He was shocked at how cheap things were here compared to Radiant Garden-then again, Destiny Islands seemed to be more well off, and necessities or luxuries like sugar weren't so hard to come by.

"...Good luck keeping Sora from those," Riku said. "Insatiable sweet tooth. Insatiable."

Ienzo nearly made a joke about "insatiable," but that got him thinking again of that afternoon. They got back into the small rowboat at the communal dock and made their way over.

The sea was calm, and despite the heat, Ienzo let his eyes draw shut for a moment, just listening and breathing in the sea air. "Oh look, there those idiots are," Riku said fondly. He waved.

"Hey!" Kairi called loudly. Ienzo waved too.

Seeing the play island with fresh eyes, Ienzo felt a stab of envy. Even would barely let him out of his sight as a child, scolding him for wanting time on his own in the library, and yet, their parents willingly let them come here? With all of the potential hazards? You could drown in that waterfall, or fall off that balcony, he thought in Even's voice. You'd break your neck and nobody would notice for hours.

"You made it and you're actually on time, " Kairi said. Like Riku, she looked older, a bit taller, her longer hair in a ponytail. Her face had slimmed out a little. "I'm shocked."

Riku rolled his eyes. "Didn't want to miss your picnic," he said, with a trace of sarcasm.

Kairi turned to smile at him. "It's good to see you, Ienzo. How's the island treating you? How's this one treating you?" She nudged Riku in the ribs.

" Ow. Hey."

Ienzo laughed politely. "He's been a very good little tour guide."

"I'm glad. Have you taken him to the falls yet?"

Riku turned pink. "Not yet. It's on the list."

"The… falls?"

Kairi put a hand to her mouth. "I won't spoil it," she said. "You're gonna love it there, I promise. What's that?"

"I brought dessert." Ienzo offered the box.

"Ooh, is that from Bona? I love that place." She took it from him.

"Where's Sora?" Riku asked.

Kairi's cheer slipped just slightly, but Ienzo felt her tense. "I told him to collect firewood in case we stay until dark," she said. "He was restless."

Riku frowned.

"Come on, Ienzo," Kairi said. "Has Riku given you the tour yet?"

"I only saw it briefly when we landed," he admitted.

"Well then I'll do the honors. Come on. Why don't you go help Sora, Riku?"

"Good plan," he said, already distracted, already on the way.

Ienzo followed Kairi across the beach to the shack. Inside, it was only slightly cooler. She set the pastry box on top of a picnic basket. When she bent over, her lilac coverup slipped, revealing a thick, long, nasty scar down her back; Ienzo felt a pulse of concern. "So I don't have to carry all that," she said.

Ienzo wanted to ask her what was going on, but he feared that might be tactless. "How are you, Kairi?" he asked, instead. "It's good to see you again."

"I'm great!" she said. "It's nice to be home again. Good to see family."

A vague and somewhat evasive answer. "Your parents must be happy to have you home after so long."

"Yes, of course. But they… knew why I did what I had to do. I told them it might be a long time until I was back. They know how important Sora and Riku are to me. I couldn't sit on the sidelines again. I just couldn't."

"I don't blame you."

He followed her around the island for a little while as she showed him all of their haunts, occasionally giving an anecdote along the way. "All the boys ever wanted to do was play with swords, but they'd never let me play when they did," she said, sighing. "Come on."

They were passing by what was clearly a tunnel covered in ivy. "What's that?"

Kairi smiled sadly. "It's our secret place," she said. "The three of us, but most recently, mine and Sora's." She pressed a hand to her heart. "I know you want to know what happened."

"Apparently his behavior is somewhat alarming."

"He's depressed, that's for sure, and I've never seen him like this." She kept her voice quite low, despite the fact that they couldn't see the boys and there was a waterfall blocking anything else out. "He had to… sacrifice so much to save us, and me , and then he was in Quadratum for… months, alone, unsure of where he was or if he could ever get back. Sora is his friends. I guess the thought of never getting to see us again… on top of all the trauma… he couldn't handle it."

Ienzo gathered. "I thought he was able to make friends with anyone."

"Well, he can, but that doesn't replace old bonds. Besides…" She swallowed. "Why make more friends if only to lose those, too?"

Ienzo took a breath. "...What happened, when you went to save him?"

She opened her mouth.

"Kairi, is this enough?" Sora asked loudly, juggling an armful of twigs. Ienzo tried to smother his frustration. More time to pick her brain later. "Hey, Ienzo's here!"

And he sounded a lot like himself. Almost exactly like himself. The difference in tone, and expression, was minimal. But Ienzo saw the cracks at the edges, the utter effort it took for him to be cheerful. Like he was still carrying the weight of saving the world.

If you've saved everyone, how do you save yourself?

Sora set down the pile of sticks. He, too, looked out of place in his simple red swimsuit and white shirt.

"It's very good to see you again, Sora," he said, trying to smile. "I'm so glad you're okay."

He jabbed a thumb towards his face. "Yep! Here all in one piece."

"How is it to be home?" he asked, hoping this was a neutral enough question.

"You know… kinda weird." He rocked on his feet a little. "Guess I'm not used to it anymore." He forced a laugh.

"I must say I know the feeling," Ienzo said. "I hope soon you'll be more comfortable."

"Ahh, I'm sure I will be!" He said evasively. "Nothing like home. What do you think? You've never been, right? Do you like it? Is Riku being good? "

"He's been very good. Very sweet." That was the most they'd get. "I didn't realize he was so… tenderhearted."

"He can be," Kairi said. "When he wants to."

"Aw, he likes you," Sora said.

"I would sincerely hope so at this point." His heart was beating hard again. "His parents have been very kind, and very gracious, as well."

"Did Mariko cook for you?" Kairi asked.

"Made a veritable buffet."

She sighed. "I would die for Mariko's cooking."

"Yes, it's quite something. I didn't realize how different the islands were compared to my home. All the travelling I did… and my perception shrinks so easily." He cleared his throat.

Riku came back; he was frowning. "There you are," he said. "You sorta ran off."

Sora shrugged and smiled innocently. Had he been trying to avoid a hard conversation?

Kairi's own grin faltered. "Are you guys hungry?"

They sat partially in the shade (Ienzo had a feeling this was for his benefit alone) on thick, woven blankets. Kairi had brought some onigiri and dumplings and some kind of tropical juice. They didn't talk much for a few minutes, and Ienzo tried to find something neutral to talk about; finally Kairi breached the silence.

"So what have you been up to, Ienzo?" Kairi asked.

"Not as much as I'd like," he admitted. "I'm sure the three of you can relate to a degree; now that it's all over, so to speak, I don't much know what to do with myself. I've been organizing things in the library."

"The committee is always looking for people to help," Sora said.

"I've considered it," Ienzo said. "But I feel like…"

"Like what?"

He looked down into his little cup of juice. "I'm not sure how much you know about what I did, in my past. It inadvertently created the situation that makes the committee necessary. I'm not sure if-"

"But you're better now, right?"

Ienzo blinked. "What?"

"You. You're working hard to be a good person. We've all… made mistakes. I think they know that. They're good people. If you want to help, they'll let you help."

Ienzo wondered what Sora considered to be "his mistake."

"I think helping us earned you some brownie points," Riku said gently. He squeezed Ienzo's hand.

"Enough about me," Ienzo said.

"Aw, but we don't really know you," Kairi said. "I'm… kind of curious. How did this happen?"

"Ah-well." He chuckled. "Mostly it was due to this one's hanging around the castle."

"I was annoying him," Riku said. "I kept asking about you."

Ienzo sighed. "It turned out we actually had a lot in common."

Sora pouted. "That's it?"

Riku laughed. "That's it. Really, Sora, I think all your meeting princes and princesses has given you a warped view of romance."

He stuck out his tongue.

"Well, it's always good to have new friends," Kairi said. "Though you better treat him well, Zo, or else you'll have us to answer to." She pressed her palm against her fist.

"Zo? What is that?" Ienzo laughed a little. "But I'll try my best."

They chatted a while longer. Ienzo asked them what their lives had been like before all this. He half expected them to ask about his days about Zexion, but they didn't, and he was grateful. Sometime after dessert Sora's chattering became smiling and nodding became sitting in a sort of silence, his eyes unfocused until Kairi prompted him, and he seemed to come back to reality.

Ienzo couldn't know how to help him until he had more context about the situation. The sun was starting to set. At some point Sora wandered off "to stretch his legs". "I'd like to try talking to him alone, if I can," he said.

"We've tried that, and it got nowhere," Kairi said.

"Well, all due respect but you two aren't me," he said, trying to smile. "I'm a more impartial party than either of you. If our previous friendship is anything to go by, he might see me as more of an authority figure." He winced.

Riku and Kairi locked eyes. "That's a good point," Kairi said.

"Is there anywhere specific he goes?"

"No, but it's not a big island," Riku said.

"I suppose my intentions will be quite obvious then."

"Maybe not. He's been even more oblivious than normal."

Ienzo took a deep breath. "Right. Wish me luck."

He set off on his own across the island. It was hard work, walking on the sand. Ienzo crossed over to the other side, the cove, and saw no sign of him. But then he saw the gummi ship, parked on its stone landing pad, and wondered. Surely enough, through the crystal windshield he saw Sora in the pilot's seat, feet on the dash. The bridge had been left open.

Inside, it smelled like stale air, and was warm from the sun. He must've startled Sora; he heard the swish of the keyblade and suddenly found it pointed at his own chest. Sora paled. "Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry." The keyblade vanished.

Ienzo tried to swallow the adrenaline and look like he hadn't just been scared shitless. "I should've known better than to sneak up on you."

Sora dropped his eyes. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Process of elimination." He smiled.

"So why'd you come find me?" He looked exhausted; the mask of cheer had fallen.

Ienzo gestured to the chairs. They sat.

"Riku and Kairi asked you to do this, I bet," Sora said, forcing a laugh.

So much for Sora being oblivious. "No," Ienzo said. "No, it was my idea. I wanted to talk."

"I know they're worried about me. You don't have to tell me that."

Ienzo cocked his head. It really was hot in here; he tried to focus. "Why not let them help you?" he asked, gently. "Tell them how you might be feeling?"

"Well…" He exhaled. "I already… put them through enough, over the last year."

"Having spoken with both of them, I know for a fact that's not true. They would both go to the ends of the earth to save you."

Sora made an exasperated noise. "Yes, exactly. They keep… getting put into danger. Cause of me. We always keep getting-split apart! I'm just… waiting for it to happen again. And if we all died once this time, next time we won't make it back out."

Ienzo considered this. Sora's coldness made sense now; he was trying to protect them, and himself, from more pain. "Do you think it will happen like that?"

Sora looked out towards the sea. "It's already happened three times," he said. "And it's gotten worse every time."

Ienzo took a breath of the stale air and wiped the sweat from his forehead. "I understand why you're afraid, and sad," he said. "After so much turmoil it's only natural to anticipate more. But look at the evidence, Sora." He tried to smile. "Xehanort is dead. The Heartless population is only falling. The only threat to the World, at this point, is our own fear that something will happen. You're home, you're together, and if for whatever reason you're separated again, you have gummiphones."

"Gummiphones didn't help in Quadratum."

"For some reason I highly doubt you'll be leaving this reality again, considering the work it took to leave it in the first place. You're whole. You've paid the price for using the power of waking. You don't have to give up anything else."

Sora was silent.

Ienzo took another breath. "Forgive me for having the gall to say I think I know how you feel," he began. "My own life has been tumultuous, violent, with so much of it out of my control. I know how easy it is to feel helpless, like I don't deserve what's in front of me. But we have the choice to fight it, and stop giving it power, and to… learn to move on."

"But I'm so tired." His voice was very small, and soft, and Ienzo heard the pain in it.

"I know, Sora," he said. "I know in a lot of ways this feels like the hardest part. It's not fair, is it, to finally come home, and to not even be able to feel happy about it. You don't deserve that. I can help you process this grief and sadness. The fear, too. It can be completely confidential; we don't have to tell Riku or Kairi a thing."

A single tear rolled down Sora's face. He didn't look at Ienzo.

"I can tell you from experience that if you don't find a way to deal with these feelings, they'll get worse. And none of us want that."

"I don't want it either."

"So then will you let me help you?"

There was a pronounced silence. After a long moment, Sora turned and hugged Ienzo, shuddering and sobbing. Ienzo returned the embrace, knowing Sora likely needed it. "I'll take that as a yes," he said softly.

When they finally started heading back, it was fully dark, and Ienzo felt horrifically dehydrated and drained. "You know," Sora said. "I think I feel a little better."

"I'm glad, Sora."

The four of them hung out for a few more hours, building a small fire on the beach. Riku and Kairi didn't comment on why they had been gone so long. Ienzo couldn't help but lean against Riku. When they left, he couldn't be more excited to take an ice-cold shower and return to the magic coolness of Riku's room. "Are you okay?" Riku asked him, once they had reached the shore.

"I'm exhausted," he said.

"Yeah. You look it."

"I wonder if I will ever get used to this heat."

"I'm sure you will as soon as you have to go."

"You're probably right."

"Well, we can just rest, and I can find the worst show I can on TV."

"...Please."

After a shower, and several glasses of coconut water (Riku claimed this would hydrate him more than water), Ienzo did feel better, though still drained.

"How did it go, between you and Sora?" Riku finally asked, his eyes crinkled with concern.

"As well as it could, I think," he said. "He opened up to me when I said the right thing, and he agreed to talk to me more about it in the future. I promised I would keep it between him and I."

"As long as he starts somewhere," Riku said. He took Ienzo's hands and squeezed them hard. "Thank you. Really, thank you."

"It's the least I can do."