4 June 1919

Elizabeth's head was tilted to the side as she rested, letting the heat of the summer sun glow against her closed eyelids, orange and red all she could see. The wind blew gently and disturbed strands of her hair, making them dance against her cheek. The country roads were quiet as they drove down them and the hum of the car motor was all that she could hear.

Tommy hadn't said a word since he'd picked her up an hour ago, and Elizabeth could tell his mind was elsewhere. She didn't know much of what was to happen that day, but, though a part of her hoped Tommy had meant it when he'd said he just wanted to take her to the races, she was sure her role today wasn't simply to be Thomas Shelby's company.

"Are you sleeping?" His voice broke her train of thought and she opened her eyes, blinking against the sunlight and turning to look at him.

His eyes were on the road, bright blue and focused. Any one might have thought he was simply a cautious driver, but Elizabeth knew that wasn't true. His focus wasn't on the road, it was on whatever was at the end of it.

"Not sleeping, just thinking," she replied.

"About what?"

"About you."

Tommy glanced to the side, making eye contact with her for a moment, blue meeting brown, before he returned his gaze to the road.

"Good things I hope."

"I was thinking about today, actually. Wondering what we're doing."

"We're going to the races." He replied simply.

"Don't be clever," she sighed, "two weeks ago you told me you were meeting Billy Kimber at Cheltenham, and then you say to me that you're going to destroy him. Is that what you're doing today, Tommy?"

"You don't need to worry," he said, "nothing bad is going to happen."

"I never said I was worried, I'd just like to know what's going on-" She paused, before continuing to speak, "-if that's alright."

Like always, he hesitated before answering, letting her words melt into the silence around them. They turned a sharp corner, and Elizabeth slid to the side, her arm pressing against Tommy's. The car soon straightened up, but she found herself still leaning into his touch as he finally decided to speak.

"Lee men have been stealing from Kimber," he began to explain, "my brothers will be at Cheltenham by now, taking back the money, and then we'll use it to show him that we're on his side."

"And once you've gained Kimber's trust, you'll betray him? How sly of you," she teased.

Tommy shrugged in response, as if it was all perfectly normal. The boy he'd been before the way had taken risks, of course, he was a member of a gang after all, but this level of treachery was uncomfortably new.

When their mother had died, and their father left, the Shelby brothers became dangerous; the blood-thirsty Peaky Blinders ruthlessly taking control of Small Health. But it had been necessary, a means of survival by doing what they knew best, what they'd been taught all their lives. And they weren't the only founding family.

Her brother was the one to coin the name in the days when it was only four boys sitting in the Garrison at night, wondering how to turn a family bookmaking trade into their livelihood. He'd fought and killed with them, the money he earned paying for their nice clothes and little luxuries. Even her father, who refused to play any part in it all, had reluctantly helped build the Den.

And Elizabeth was far from innocent herself, there alongside the lot of them, giving advice, counting out money and patching up wounds. How else would she have adapted to nursing life so well? But coming back home, it felt like it had all changed. It was no longer a way for seven motherless children to survive, but instead a distraction from the war, a darkness blanketing them all and a feeling that something terribly wrong was going to be the result of all this recklessness.

And I'm standing right here in the crossfire, Elizabeth couldn't help but realise.

"What else are you thinking about?" Tommy interrupted her wonderings, pulling her back into the present.

"Who said I was thinking about anything else?" She smiled softly, looking out at the passing scenery.

"I can tell there's something else you want to ask," Tommy stated, like it was clear as day.

"Fine," she relented, "I just wonder why you need me today, that's all. Is it to help you?"

"I told you, all I want is to take you to the races."

"You promise?"

The car slowed slightly as Tommy turned to look at her, his attention focused solely on Elizabeth.

"I promise."

"Well then, I'll put my trust in you Tommy." She smiled slightly, sighing and closing her eyes again, temporarily content.

Silence returned, and Elizabeth let the sun continue to warm her, the rocking of the vehicle sending her close to slumber.

"You really are falling asleep this time." His voice broke the silence once more, and she began to laugh.

"I'm relaxing, Tommy, I know it's foreign to you, but other people do enjoy it."

"I know how to relax, Liza" he said indignantly.

Elizabeth's eyes were still shut, but she could imagine how he looked, eyebrows furrowed and knuckles gripped tightly onto the steering wheel.

A picture of anything but relaxation.

When she opened her eyes to look at him, Elizabeth's thoughts were confirmed, and she started laughing even harder. Tommy looked across at her, and suddenly she felt as if he was analysing her, trying to figure something out.

Elizabeth's laughter faded and she raised her eyebrows at him in confusion.

"What?"

"I just-" he sighed, scratching his cheek and looking back out at the road. "No, I shouldn't ask."

"Do." She said, confused as to what it was.

"I wonder how you laugh so much still, how you're still so happy."

Her smile dropped and Elizabeth bit at the inside of her cheek, looking out at the road and regretting ever pushing him to ask.

"You want to know why I act like none of it affected me."

"I never said that. What I meant is that I want to know how you can still laugh and smile, despite everything you've been through."

His voice was so sincere that it almost sounded desperate. She felt a rush of emotion, a terrible sadness at the thought of Tommy ever feeling like he couldn't smile again.

The loss that she had experienced in her life, the death that she had almost become accustomed to, it plagued her every waking minute. It left her breathless at night, unable to sleep and seeking any kind of distraction. It was why she filled the time she wasn't working with looking after John's children, or spending time with Polly, trying not to stop moving even for a breath.

It left her with an overwhelming sense of guilt, that, after everything, what right did she have to still be here today?

Elizabeth struggled to form an answer to his question, her tongue feeling heavy as she was plunged into the darkness she tried so desperately to avoid.

"Hey, Liza," Tommy said gently, nudging her slightly with his shoulder, "I shouldn't have fucking asked that, yeah, let's forget about it."

"I'm good," she said, finding her voice, "and it's alright, it's a good question, just difficult to answer."

"I understand that. You don't have to. Forget I said anything, ey?"

She wanted to forget, but when she thought about his voice when he'd asked, how desperate he seemed to get a response, Elizabeth knew then what she wanted to say. She began her story.

"One of the last times I visited my mother in hospital, when she was sick, she told me something I've always carried with me.
I had been quiet all that visit, didn't really say much, and even when I was at home I was becoming... like a ghost, almost.
Dad said it was time to go, and I started crying. I didn't want to leave her and I really missed her being around- found Mum's absence hard to deal with. What six-year-old wouldn't?
But I remember how she put her hand on mine as I cried, and she looked at me with her beautiful eyes, that always shone so brightly, even when the rest of her face was pale and thin from sickness, and she told me something I'll never forget. She said:
'Please smile for me, my little Bessy. I know it's hard when you feel alone, but always try to find happiness, even when it seems like there's none at all.'
She died a week later, and for a while, after Mum was gone, I was really angry all the time. And I said to Polly once, in a bitter mood, that it was the most stupid thing she'd ever said, because there was never going to be anything good without her.
But you know what, that same day, she took me and George to your house, and that was the first time I ever met you, and suddenly there was a bit of happiness in my life again, and I realised it wasn't stupid advice, it was the best."

There was a moment of silence, and Elizabeth rested her head against Tommy's shoulder briefly, remembering her mother.

"I wish I'd met her." He said, his voice almost at a whisper.

"My mother was an amazing person."

He hummed in agreement, and she lifted her head back up, shifting so she could face him.

"I know how it feels, Tommy, to be drowning. There is so much shit weighing you down, and really, it would be easy just to let it take you, because fighting against it is even harder. But swimming is better than drowning, I guarantee you, and even if my advice changes nothing, just promise me you'll try; you'll try to find the smallest bit of happiness."

His eyes met hers, but he said no more.

Finally updated! It's been so long, (over two months!) and I have written more for this chapter, it's supposed to be in two parts, but I just couldn't get it finished, so I'm publishing this bit first in the hope that it will inspire me to finish the next bit. I hope you enjoyed this, I really like this chapter.

e x

(24/09/2020)