yes the title means what you think it means

10: In Which Loki and Aaravos Reach the Same Conclusion Separately and Refuse to Breathe a Word

Aaravos wakes before Loki, blinking slowly in the dim light. It is good– different, but good– to feel another person in his arms again, to wake with the warmth of another living being beside him. This is different from the time they slept together while drunk. That time, neither exactly consented to the bed-sharing, as drunken consent is not really consent, and both woke with hangovers. This time, both of them were perfectly sober, and Aaravos can remember well the previous night. The lullabies.

He sighs, snuggling a little closer to Loki. He has not been this close to someone, physically or emotionally, for centuries. Well, of course not. He has been imprisoned ever since Fial betrayed his trust… and… love.

Aaravos stiffens, realizing something.

He loves Loki.

With that realization, he also realizes he has been attempting to deny it for months, but it has not been working. He. Loves. Loki.

But he can't.

Aaravos disentangles himself from Loki, pulling back. Last time he fell in love, he was betrayed to the Dragon King and wound up imprisoned for three hundred years. And that was starting from relative success and a comfortable life. Now? After having been broken down and forcing himself back to his feet too many times to count, if he is betrayed again he does not know where he will end up. An even more hellish place than the mirror prison, most likely.

This cannot end well for him– or for Loki. He has to face reality: when they escape, Loki will leave, or they will be stuck in Xadia. Xadia, which most likely hates Aaravos by now. He will be ostracized, as will Loki if he sticks with Aaravos. It is better for both of them if they separate. Loki need never know of Aaravos's feelings, which will fade soon enough, he knows. He has loved before, and lost love. After a while, the pain dulls.

"Where are you going?" Loki's voice asks sleepily.

Aaravos freezes and half turns as his feet hit the floor. Loki is reaching out to him, a sleepy half smile on his lips.

Aaravos's heart beats faster. I cannot love him, he reminds it. He took Fial's form, then I dreamed he became Fial. What can that be, if not some kind of– of premonition? I have had such prophetic dreams before. He will betray me, as Fial did. His heart aches at the thought, but he forces himself to ignore it.

"Breakfast," he replies, keeping his voice soft. "Sleep as long as you wish."

It will be better, this way. He will keep his distance from Loki, not allow himself to get any closer. That way, when he frees Loki, they will be able to go their separate ways with no trouble. And then…

And then, he supposes Loki will return to his world, and he to Xadia. It is for the best.

His mind feels fuzzy, and he almost burns the oatmeal.

Loki slowly comes to wakefulness, missing the warmth Aaravos provided. Despite the brief disturbance last night, he slept well, really well, and without the spell. As his eyes slowly blink open, he finds himself staring at the empty space Aaravos left behind. Loki's cheeks heat as he realizes that he cuddled Aaravos. He stooped so low as to snuggle and even enjoy it.

He buries his face in his hands, groaning softly. This is a problem.

Loki has never understood what it feels like to be attracted to someone, to want someone in "that way," and when he asked Fandral or Thor why they would attempt to woo some woman or sometimes, in Fandral's case, man, they never offered helpful explanations. It's just a "spark," a "feeling" that draws them to an object of desire and heated passions.

Loki still does not feel anything like they described, but that does not mean he has never desired a companion, someone to stay by his side and have a different kind of relationship with. He is beginning to think he wants that person to be Aaravos.

This is most definitely a problem.

Still, there is nothing Loki can do about it now, so he stretches and goes downstairs to join Aaravos for breakfast.

Aaravos looks up when he hears Loki's footsteps, heart beating a little faster.

"I made oatmeal," he says, lifting the pot. It is one of the few things he can cook. Act natural. "Do you have any more fruit in your pocket dimension?"

Loki nods, "I think so, but not much. If only I could have restocked before coming back." He conjures a bunch of bananas, vanishing the ice that preserves them. "I am sorry, this is nearly the last of it."

Aaravos looks between the bananas and Loki. "Then I do not need any. We should be freed soon, but I will be out first. You should save the fruit for yourself."

Curse it, he needs to stop this! He needs to stop caring so much, before his heart is broken again!

Loki cringes at the reminder that he will be alone here, even temporarily. "Yes, about that… will you be able to maintain communication with me once you are free?" He avoids looking at Aaravos, and keeps his voice steady as best he can. "When I was kept in solitary on Asgard, my mother would send illusions of herself to me, to check on me and keep me updated on events, even if there was no hope of my freedom.

"I may not deserve such kindness after leaving you, but I would appreciate it, and it would go a long way to maintaining my sanity, if you could update me on your progress from the outside."

Loki's stomach flips at the words leaving his mouth, the vulnerability in them. He can only hope that Aaravos will be cold enough to set him straight. Loki needs to get these distressing emotions under control before he falls apart again.

"Of course you deserve it," Aaravos says without thinking. How could Loki think he does not? "I will keep you updated."

Aaravos has no idea how he will manage this, unless he can access the mirror and paper. But he will– he needs to stop caring but how is he supposed to stop caring about LOKI?

Loki does not realize how his frustration is building until it erupts. He slams his fists down on the kitchen counter. "HOW can you be so cavalier now? How can you still offer me kindness? Act as if nothing happened? I betrayed you! I left you to fend for yourself when I told you I would stay with you! I took my freedom with no consideration for the trials that you are going through to achieve yours and… you should be furious with me! You should be yelling at me, shooting lightning at me, demanding I not enter the same room as you and yet, you offer me breakfast! You, you, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Aaravos jerks back when Loki shouts, reflexes barely fast enough to save the oatmeal. What– is he angry that Aaravos is not angry?

But he is. His own anger bubbles up now as an almost instinctive reaction to being yelled at. He slams the oatmeal pot down and snaps, "Give me one good reason why I should be angry with you for returning when I never wanted you to leave!"

"Well I never wanted to leave either, but I did! We cannot pretend that I did not. Hel, I was still debating whether to try to come back or not but the choice was taken from me! I left you and I may not have come back had I not been forced! Can you say that there is no part of you that resents me? That wishes to make me suffer as you have?"

"I…" How is Aaravos to respond to that?

He shakes his head, taking a step forward to help himself regain his composure. "What are you truly angry about, Loki? Are you truly angry that I am not? Or is it something else?"

He reaches out slowly. "Why would I intentionally hurt you now? It would not solve anything–"

Loki slaps Aaravos's hand away when it gets close. "Stop acting so high and mighty when I know you must have just as much of a heart for vengeance as anyone. Stop acting like you're so much better than me. You're always hiding what you really think, what you really feel, always so stoic and perfect, but I'm. Not. Buying. It.

"So just get it over with already! Quit the act, just, just stop it. I refuse to wait forever for your fuse to run out, so just get it over with! Do SOMETHING, please."

Aaravos closes his eyes and straightens his back, fists clenching at his sides. Slowly, he takes one full breath, then another, before opening his eyes. Icy-voiced, he says, "You wish me to be angry? Very well then. I am angry. Furious, even. But…" his tone softens, "not with the only friend I have had in centuries." His eyes close again. "You were justifiably angry. I should have told you sooner– maybe–" no, he cannot afford to admit that maybe he should not have gone through with the spell– "Truly, I am surprised you are not angrier at me.

"I am furious now, not with you, but with whoever has led you to believe a friend cannot forgive you as easily as you forgive them. With Avizandum, for imprisoning me. With all those who have hurt you. With those who have hurt me. My only anger towards you is that you think I must be furious with you for something I would have done myself in your place."

Throughout this, he keeps his voice calm, a thin veil over the rage inside him. He does not like showing anger, as it is too easy to lose control, but that does not mean he does not feel it. He lifts his head and smiles coolly. " 'Not at you, or never for long,' " he quotes Loki's own words. "Would you have me treat you with less courtesy than you treated me?"

Loki stares down at the floor. He recognizes the words that Aaravos quotes back to him. "One does not use the same rules when interacting with all people or creatures. Even if a spider and a mouse are both pests, you capture or kill them differently. The farmer tends to the sheep differently than the horses… I am… I am different from you. It only makes sense that you would treat me differently than I would treat you."

"Differently does not necessitate worse," Aaravos says, more sharply than he means to. "I know what treatment I deserve, and I know you have not done so much evil as I." He inhales, counting to ten before exhaling and saying more calmly, "Do you believe I deserve forgiveness?"

"Without a doubt," Loki answers without hesitation. Silently, he adds, You deserve the world and all the stars in the sky.

Aaravos narrows his eyes. "Even though I have killed hundreds, perhaps thousands, directly and indirectly? Every death of my own free will?"

Loki shoots Aaravos a wry smile. "Do we need to compare kill counts, Aaravos?"

"Yours were under duress," Aaravos says. "Tell me, why am I so worthy of forgiveness if you are not? Wh–" He blinks, vision spotting. Dammit, the mage is waking up. Could he not have waited five more minutes?

He smooths a smile onto his face as his vision clears to reveal the mage's cell, with, of course, the mage.

"Good morning, my lord," he says with a bow, noting the light. "How do you fare this fine day?"

"Good morning," the mage replies. "How long until I am free?"

Loki takes notice when Aaravos's voice cuts off, and he sees his eyes cloud over into a milky purple. Loki sighs, then sets up two servings of oatmeal. He takes one bowl for himself, then guides the other into Aaravos's hands, guiding the elf's fingers to the spoon handle so he can eat if he wishes.

He knows that Aaravos can navigate the prison without his sight or hearing. He must be familiar with it by now, but Loki is still inclined to find a cane so Aaravos does not bump into things should he try to move around. Perhaps a spell or enchanted object would aid him. There is not much else he can do to occupy his time.

Aaravos can feel the bowl and spoon being placed in his hands. He'd nearly forgotten about the oatmeal.

He cannot eat it now, not while he is talking to the mage. He smiles in what he thinks is Loki's direction, and says, "Less than the time til dusk."

"That is not an answer."

"It is not the answer you wished to hear," Aaravos responds, resisting the urge to rub his temples. Already he is tired of the mage. At least when the man could not see him, he could still pass the time conversing with Loki. Now, as the movements of his astral projection roughly mimic the movements of his body, he is far more limited.

His stomach reminds him that it has not yet been fed. He needs to go somewhere else, get out of the mage's sight just for a few minutes.

"I will go scouting," he says. "Perhaps I can see your enemies' plans."

Without waiting for a response, he begins walking in place, moving his astral form swiftly out of the prison. Once out of the mage's sight, he quickly finishes the oatmeal, then turns. Loki? he mouths. Is there paper?

Loki is not sure how to answer Aaravos when he cannot see nor hear him. He conjures a piece of paper and pen, handing them to Aaravos by way of an answer.

He is beginning to realize that he should stay in the same room with Aaravos, to help him and keep an eye on him. Loki is suddenly very grateful he landed back here, so that he can be there for his friend at this time.

Aaravos continues walking, moving his projection through the castle as he writes, "I am sorry. Thank you. I forgive you."

There is one other thing part of him wishes to write, but he cannot.

Loki cannot help but chuckle a little. "Well, I cannot argue with you now, can I? Excellent timing on your part." He knows that Aaravos cannot hear him, but it is still nice to talk to him as if he can.

He knows that the couch in the sitting room is one of Aaravos's favorite places to sit, and at this rate Aaravos will be leaning against the counter all day until the mage decides to sleep. That will not do. Loki takes Aaravos's hand and tugs gently to indicate he will lead Aaravos somewhere.

Aaravos startles at first at the sudden contact, but follows Loki's lead. He is not entirely comfortable, feeling every moment as though he is about to hit a wall or a chair or some other obstacle, but he can trust Loki, right?

You thought you could trust Fial, too, and look where that got you, says his mind.

Loki is careful to guide Aaravos so he does not bump into anything. A couple times he even uses his telekinesis to shove objects out of the way. He will have to clean up the mess he left behind, but it leaves Aaravos's journey uninhibited. Once they reach the sitting room, Loki sits Aaravos down in his favorite spot, and pats his hair to assure Aaravos that he is still here and not going anywhere.

Once he sets everything back in order (Aaravos is so particular Loki is certain he will notice no matter what he does to restore things) Loki picks up a book and sits near Aaravos. It is going to be a long day.

~timeskip~

Aaravos's astral form floats back to the mage's side with a smirk. "As I said, freed by dusk. And as soon-to-be king, no less. I deliver on my promises, do I not?"

"Yes," the mage agrees. To the child who takes his place in the cell, he says, "I am sorry it had to come to this."

"No," the boy says. "You're not."

Unseen, Aaravos winces. "I am sorry it came to this, Aaravos." "No, you're not. Don't lie to me, not now."

The mage smiles, turning away. "You're right. I'm not."

Aaravos pulls a smirk back onto his face as he trails after the mage.

Loki tries to stay focused on the task at hand, creating something to help Aaravos move around while he is blind and deaf. He cannot help looking up at Aaravos every other moment, and it makes the work go at half the speed he should be capable of. Sometimes Loki catches himself trying to read the words on Aaravos's lips, imagining what he is saying to the human mage, and what is happening on the other side.

He looks up from his work again, almost instinctively, and sees Aaravos wince. Before he even realizes what he is doing, he leaps up to check on Aaravos, to help him somehow, but a moment later the distressed expression is replaced by another one of Aaravos's signature smirks.

That's not what he looks like when he is truly happy. Loki's protective nature argues, insisting that he still needs to help, but how can he?

The best thing that he can do now is to make Aaravos's job easier. The sooner Aaravos is free, the sooner he can free Loki as well. Yes, that is all this is, right? A desire to protect his escape route.

No… Loki is a skilled liar, even to himself, but he is not that skilled.

Aaravos watches silently through the mage's brief argument and subsequent coronation. He is somewhat less fond of the man now than he was just ten minutes ago, and as the crowd chants he is reminded uncomfortably of the king the elves hailed so readily, the same one who imprisoned Aaravos.

His skin crawls, and he decides he will cast nec somniare on the mage as soon as he can.

An opportunity comes later that evening, as Viren sits alone in his study, but Aaravos has barely begun the rune when a girl walks in.

Her gaze fixates on the caterpillar immediately. "Oh, who's your new friend?"

Aaravos nearly laughs aloud as she reaches out to pet the caterpillar and the mage jerks away. Ah, she is the girl from the day before. Viren's daughter.

He listens to their conversation and learns that the boy who took the mage's place was in fact the king– a child king? what was Katolis thinking?– and that the mage truly believes he is merely trying to help. It is all too obvious that his true motivation is more selfish.

...but perhaps not to humans. Aaravos swallows hard when the girl tells her father she will be there for him, to help him.

"Well-played," he says smoothly. "She will be a valuable asset." Now, if he has judged Viren right–

"She is not an asset!" the mage snaps. "She is my daughter."

"Of course, my apologies." Internally, Aaravos rolls his eyes.

Loki zeros in on the device with as much concentration he can muster with Aaravos sitting just a few feet from him. He knows it would be to his benefit to move to another room, but Loki cannot bring himself to leave Aaravos.

Ah, the tricky part, having it work for Aaravos specifically. Loki leans over, debating his next course of action. Even though he knows Aaravos cannot hear him, he mutters an apology and plucks a hair from Aaravos's head.

He avoids looking at the surely irritated face Aaravos must be making, and wraps the hair around the pen. One last spell should do it... Loki weaves his magic around the pen like silk, and to his eyes he can see all the threads that connect the different properties. Now that he incorporated the hair, he can see the glowing connection to Aaravos. His eyes follow it to look at his face, and Loki can feel his brow, formerly furrowed in concentration, relax at the sight of his friend. "I wish I could do more."

Aaravos does not get another chance to send Viren to sleep before he glances at a clock and strides out the door.

Aaravos trails behind him again, watching and learning. Hm. Many soldiers who will fight with the mage, yet the previous king demanded that no one be forced to. ...Aaravos can respect this.

A surprising number of the humans throw down their weapons, refusing to fight despite the mage's attempted humiliation. Aaravos could have told him that might not work as he planned, but the mage never asked, and would likely not have listened anyway.

Weak links. Aaravos scoffs internally. It takes strength to stand against authority.

Now that he is done with the "helper device" - he will need a better name than that - Loki is not sure what to do. He does not feel the need for dinner yet, and he does not want to leave Aaravos's side anyway.

"I wonder how much longer it will be. I can see why you could not give me an estimate of your age. It is difficult to get any sense of time here."

Loki finds he likes speaking aloud. At this point, he can almost imagine how Aaravos will respond.

"But how would you respond if I told you my latest dilemma? That I cannot give a proper estimate for."

I would hate to be so predictable. You cannot know until you tell me. Aaravos would say.

"Yes, that is part of the problem, is it not?"

Finally, finally, the mage heads to bed. This time, Aaravos sits down on the floor, waiting until he can see his astral form fading before moving to the mage's side, drawing the rune, and whispering "Nec Somniare" just before he fades completely. There, he will stay asleep for several hours, with any luck enough time for Aaravos to sleep and eat as well as spending time with Loki.

His eyes open, and he blinks, disoriented. Was he not in the kitchen when he faded? Where is he now? Ah– the sitting room.

Loki quickly goes quiet as he sees Aaravos's eyes begin to clear. He averts his gaze to the pen in his hands, fiddling with it as if he were still working.

"Are you back, now?" he asks. "How was your day?" There is a strange normalcy in the question he chooses to ask, as if he were welcoming a spouse home after a day at work.

Aaravos glances to the side, glad to see Loki again. He offers a smile. "Not bad, but better now."

Loki holds the pen in his hands aloft to get Aaravos's attention. "I have been working on this, I thought it might help you. First, hold it, tell me how it feels in your hand."

Aaravos takes the object Loki offers him. "It is a pen? It feels… is that hair?"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Yes, Aaravos, it is a pen, but it is also more than that now. I added a few charms to it so that it can help you… and one of them necessitated a DNA component." He hands Aaravos a pad of paper. "Try writing something with your eyes closed."

Aaravos wrinkles his nose in confusion. "Let me think of what to write."

After a moment, he closes his eyes and scrawls, "Thank you, Loki."

He opens his eyes, and there are the words, written neatly and evenly across the page. He looks up at Loki. "You did this?"

Loki nods. "It is working properly, then. I felt the tug at my left hand. I also charmed it to give me a signal if you write anything with it, so I will know to go to you and see what message you wished to send if I am in another room. And, as you can see, it stabilizes your writing so it is more legible."

He places the cap on the pen. "When the cap is on, the pen also functions as a navigating device. It will grow cold when you are about to bump into something. When the cap is off, it will grow warm when I am near."

Loki is not sure why he added the last function, since Aaravos can just write when he wants to summon Loki… perhaps a part of him hopes that Aaravos is comforted by Loki's presence just as Loki is comforted by his.

Aaravos barely knows what to say. "You… you did this for me? All of this, in one small device, for me?" He can scarcely believe it. And after this morning, too?

Loki nods. "Of course. It was no real trouble. It is not as if I had much else to occupy my time. We are in this together, now. I should help you in our shared goals."

He hesitantly adds, "And… I want you to be comfortable. Your sight and hearing are on the other side, but your body is here, and that must be disorienting."

"Sometimes," Aaravos admits. "I have another form… my astral projection… on the other side. I can control it as I control this body, even separately, though that is more difficult." His grip on the pen tightens. "This will be quite useful. Thank you." His ears warm, and he adds lightly, "Princess."

Loki surprises himself when he smiles at the nickname. Rather than being annoying, the way it was when Aaravos first called him that, it assures him that Aaravos is still his friend, still comfortable enough with him to tease him. "You're welcome, Sparkles."

Aaravos holds up a hand, turning it so his sparkling skin catches the light. "I haven't the faintest idea why you call me that," he remarks, holding back a yawn. The longer he can go without letting on he is tired, the longer he will be able to spend with Loki.

And the tireder he will be tomorrow, but the mage hardly pays attention to him anyways.

"You must be tired," Loki remarks. "Not only has it been a long day, you have been navigating your astral form the entire time."

He stands, grabbing Aaravos's hands to pull him to his feet. "Come on, to bed with you. Both our freedom depends on you maintaining your strength."

"No," Aaravos protests, "I do not need to sleep yet. I have gone longer sleepless and been perfectly fine."

I do not want to take away from time with you.

"Hm… this reminds me of something… but I cannot put my finger on to what." Loki strokes his chin thoughtfully. "Would you perhaps like to 'meditate in the garden' instead, Sparkles?"

Aaravos folds his arms and gives Loki a stern look. He holds it for a full four seconds before uncrossing his arms and sighing. "Very well," he says reluctantly, moving past Loki towards the stairs. "But, for the record, you were barely standing."

He could not have tripped over a small stool that should not be there with any more perfect timing.

Loki manages to contain his snicker, but a smirk still makes its way onto his face. "Yes, you seem perfectly capable of standing," he says, sarcasm dripping from every word. "I will need to rest as well, so I will join you shortly, and if you stop by your fiction library to stay up to read, I will know."

Aaravos smiles wryly, looking at the floor as he walks. "That stool should have been by the other wall," he says absently, focusing on I will join you shortly. Does that mean– is Loki planning on them sharing again tonight? Will this become normal?

He frowns. He likes this thought. Perhaps too much. He cannot love Loki, not now, not when he is so certain he will be betrayed again. But then, Loki has not given any sign that he will betray Aaravos, but then again, Fial did not at first either.

He can enjoy this in the moment, can he not? He only needs to guard his heart, keep from trusting absolutely, from sleeping without wards once he is free. He will not make the same mistake twice.

Once Aaravos disappears at the top of the stairs, Loki goes to the kitchen and begins boiling water. He looks at the options for food and heaves a sigh. At this point, he would go to Muspelheim and hug a fire demon just for some decent food.

Soon, he climbs the steps with two bowls in hand, levitating them to free his hands and open the door to the bedroom. Aaravos seems to be sleeping soundly already. Do not need sleep yet my arse.

The elf seems so peaceful, so unburdened, that Loki hates to wake him. Still, he should not sleep on an empty stomach. He gently shakes Aaravos awake. "Time for dinner. I will give you three guesses as to what it is, and the first two do not count."

Aaravos pries his eyelids apart. "Is it vegetable soup again?" He pushes himself up, coming more awake. "Should I not come down to the food? You are no servant, you needn't make the food and carry it up two full flights of stairs."

Loki chuckles. "Close, it's stew. I thought we could mix it up a little." Loki practically throws the bowl at him in an attempt to stop his protests. "I have my own serving here, and I plan on eating it in bed as well, so cease your whining. I do what I wish, not out of obligation."

Aaravos pauses, mouth open. You… wanted to do this for me?

He shakes himself and looks down at his bowl. "...Thank you. It is delicious."

Loki smiles with a mouth full of stew. Swallowing the mouthful - because despite what Aaravos may think, he has a few table manners, one of them not talking while he eats - he says "I am surprised you can say that. I am already sick of it, and I have not been here nearly as long."

"Everything you cook is delicious," Aaravos replies. "And… I cannot cook many things. At least vegetable soup has variations."

When they finish, Loki holds his bowl out to Aaravos. "Care to do the honors of cleaning? I have yet to connect with as many arcana as you."

Aaravos draws the Ocean rune over both bowls and spoons. "Purificati." He takes the dishes, leaning over to put them on the side table/miniature bookshelf by the bed. Halfway through, he yawns, and nearly drops the bowls. "Perhaps I still need sleep."

He does not face Loki as he lies back down. "Thank you again for dinner, Princess."

Loki wants to do something, but he cannot determine what it is that he wants. He just wants something, like for Aaravos to turn around so he can-

That is a dangerous train of thought.

"Sleep well, Sparkles," Loki says, laying down in the covers facing away from Aaravos. He grips the edge of the blanket tight in his hands. His only friend in the multiverse is right there, a few inches behind him, and he feels lightyears away.

He does his best to put that uncomfortable thought out of his mind and sleep.

Aaravos wakes with a start, breath coming in quick little gasps. Alone– he is alone again– all alone–

-he reaches back with one hand, praying that being alone was the dream, that Loki's presence was reality, and his breathing steadies when he finds Loki's hand with his. Giving it a squeeze, he closes his eyes, and settles back to sleep.

Loki half wakes up to Aaravos grabbing onto his hand. He has enough awareness to squeeze back, and he smiles. Aaravos still needs him.

help, they're adorable