yes the chapter title means what you think it means

13: In Which the Main Characters Finally Figure Out the Entire Point of the Story

Aaravos stands reluctantly. "I need to check something, in one of my spellbooks. ...would you like to come with me?"

He does not want to be apart from Loki now, not when he has such a short time left before he will be freed and she will still be here.

Loki smiles and nods, stopping herself from answering, "I would follow you anywhere."

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I have been meaning to grab a book on the Star primal, anyway."

"The Star arcanum?" Aaravos raises an eyebrow, hand automatically reaching out to take Loki's as they walk. He raises an eyebrow. "Is there any particular reason you wish to read about star magic, when you have a star mage right here?"

Loki looks down. "It is to potentially communicate with you while you're… gone, when your mind is not fully here. My usual telepathy spells do not work when you are in your astral form." She shrugs, scowling at the grass beneath them. "Though… depending on how quickly the plan is progressing, it may be a waste of time."

Is now the best time to talk about this? So soon after she yelled and screamed at him? "When will you be…" she does not even want to say the word, "when will you be leaving?"

"Today?" Aaravos says. "Tomorrow? Either way, quite soon. We are nearly at the Storm Spire, and we are certain to find dragons there. Their magic will certainly be enough to power my escape–" His eyes widen, and he quickly adds, "I promise I will not injure them. I will take only what they can spare."

"If you choose to take your revenge on those that hurt you directly, I have no qualms about that. I draw the line at harming the innocent, those that did no more than inherit their parents' sins."

Aaravos nods. "Noted." They are almost at the library now. Aaravos conjures a mental image of the book he needs, the one he used to develop the caterpillar spell. He knows already how to escape, but… he needs to check. To see if what he remembers is correct.

As they step through the doors in the library, Loki finds herself caught in the doorway. Now it is sinking in that Loki will be alone… that she will lose the only other person she has in the multiverse. She looks to the mirror. "You remove the light from the room to activate it, yes? In case… in case you can get back to it and you wish to see me?" Loki's voice is quiet and tremulous as she speaks, but it is clear from the way Aaravos pauses in flipping through the book he grabs that he hears her.

"Yes," Aaravos says, holding his place with his thumb. "That is correct." He steps closer to Loki. "I will get back to the mirror. I will see you again." He hesitates, knowing that what he is about to say is rash and a promise he cannot be sure he will be able to keep. "You will be freed within a month from now," he says, then adds a few words to make it true, because he cannot lie, especially not to Loki, not about something like this. "...if I can manage it. You will not have to wait long, regardless; I will not rest until you are free."

No… no that will not do. As much as she longs to be free, Loki crosses her arms and shakes her head. "No, promise me you will rest, that you will not work yourself into the ground for my sake. Promise you will forgive yourself if… if you fail." She blinks rapidly to banish the tears welling up in her eyes again.

Aaravos tilts his head and gives a smile more confident than he feels. "I do not fail. I am Archmage Aaravos, the Midnight Star. I will not fail you."

He makes a wry face, and adds, "But I promise to keep the not resting figurative. That will have to do."

Loki rolls her eyes. "I suppose it will." Tomorrow still echoes in her mind. "How much longer do you need to read? Do you not have all these books memorized?" I want to make the most of what time we have left.

Aaravos looks back at the book, letting it fall open in his hand. He glances over the words: ...for the release spell to work, one must be wholly certain of what they want. Beside that are his scribbled notes: Nothing can hold me back. Commit to freedom. Not a problem, there is nothing here I would miss save a few books, easily replaced.

But those are old notes. His gaze goes to the bottom of the page, where he wrote only recently ...Loki?

If I am free, he reminds himself, I can free Loki soon. I am powerful enough, I can… even without the prince, I can find something Zubeia places more value on than keeping imprisoned someone who was only trapped by chance.

Perhaps Xadia itself? The Dragon Queen, if he remembers correctly, loved her kingdom more than even her mate. Should he threaten Xadia as Sol Regem once threatened Elarion, the queen will be less willing to call his bluff than Ziard was.

This may work.

...but… His mind goes to Loki's panic attack of just a few minutes ago. What if that happens again while I am gone? Or if her nightmares return, and I am not here for her?

Loki managed without you once. She could again.

She should not have to.

Freedom does not come without a cost.

Aaravos has been staring at one page, his eyebrows twitching and indicating different emotions, for much longer than it should take to read one page. "Aaravos? Are you… are you still here?"

Aaravos startles from his thoughts at the sound of Loki's voice? "Hm? Yes, I am still here. I was only…" He shrugs and closes the book, placing it back on the shelf. "It is unimportant, only a refresher of what I already knew. What would you like to do now?"

Perhaps now is a good time to tell Loki what he wanted to say before Lux Aurea? But she is speaking again before he can.

Loki memorizes the place on the shelf where Aaravos places the book. She will need plenty to do to keep herself occupied once he is gone, and she cannot resist curiosity. "What will happen to your body here when you escape? " Loki asks. "You will have a new form on the other side. I really hope I do not have to share my space with a dead body."

Aaravos laughs in surprise. "You will not, do not fear. The caterpillar has grown considerably already. It will grow to match my mass, then spin itself a cocoon. I will take its place, and it will dissolve, returning my voice to me. Is that satisfactory?"

None of it is satisfactory because you are leaving. "Yes, I believe so," Loki answers smoothly.

Aaravos nods, for some reason dissatisfied. "Is there anything else?" He reaches for Loki's hand again. "Anything I can do for you before the mage wakes, to make your time here more bearable?"

He swallows, remembering his first few months and years in the prison. How it was to be so utterly alone.

"I do not want to leave you alone as I was," spills from his mouth before he can think about it.

Then don't leave. "Do you have any celestiale left?" Loki asks with a smirk. "You were quite entertaining when drunk, and I should like a few more laughs before you go."

Aaravos's ears heat. "I– perhaps I do, but I cannot afford to be drunk now. Not with the coming battle."

Loki rolls her eyes. "So boring and responsible." Then the final word registers. "Wait… a battle? What sort of battle?"

"I am conquering Xadia," Aaravos says with a shrug. "There is no way I can see to do that with no battle."

"You are conquering your homeland, now? When did this happen?"

"When you forbade me from…" The first word that comes to mind is using, but Aaravos does not think Loki will like that. He settles on saying, "capturing Zubeia's son. I need something to negotiate with. I will be returning with very little in the way of leverage. True, my magic is strong, but I am not the only mage of Xadia. With enough dragons and elven mages, even I could be overpowered. It happened once, after all, who is to say it could not again?"

He forces a laugh. "As King of Xadia, though, I would have the added power of the dragon throne. Zubeia would open the prison then, I am sure."

Loki tilts her head, looking up and down Aaravos as if sizing him up for a fight. "I cannot tell if my father would like you or not… and I cannot tell if that is a good or a bad thing."

"This would be the man who raised you?" Aaravos checks. "The one who taught you to hate frost giants despite knowing full well you were one? The one who claimed to care for you, yet lied to you all your life? The one who made you prove yourself to him? Or the dead one?"

"Oh the first one definitely, I barely knew the dead one."

Aaravos makes a face. "I certainly hope he would not like me. What might I do to lessen my chances of gaining his approval, should we ever meet?"

Loki shrugs. "Perhaps insult his favorite child? I have plenty of insults to use on Thor. Be anything like me, really. Shapeshifter, genderfluid, not a single whit of interest in hand-to-hand combat. You could bring up his many failures as a king. He cares not for his failures as a father, but you could always point out how every single one of the nine realms save for Asgard is itching to kick him off his throne made of stolen gold. Ooh, remind him that the Dark Elves would have plunged the entire galaxy into darkness had it not been for me and he was too weak and cowardly to do anything about it himself."

Loki sighs, smiling softly. "That was quite cathartic. Can we do Thor next?"

Aaravos smiles incredulously. All of that, and she sounds lighthearted. "Whatever you wish, Princess."

Loki laughs, "No, I wish to learn as much of you before you leave. I will not let you distract me with my own traumas." Loki crosses the room and sits on the desk, crossing her legs and leveling Aaravos with the most serious look she can muster at the moment. "Who was the Moonshadow elf that hurt you?" She knows it must be a Moonshadow, for how distressed Aaravos looked when she transformed into one. He said then that Loki reminded him of someone else, and perhaps now he is willing to tell Loki who that someone was. "What was his name, and if he is still alive, where can I find him? I wish to have a talk with him."

Aaravos's smile vanishes, his stomach seeming to sink through the floor. "F-Fial. His name was Fial."

Even just speaking the name hurts, feels as though his heartbreak is new instead of three centuries old.

Aaravos's reaction surprises Loki. She thought this would be a similar reaction to the name "Avizandum," someone that hurt Aaravos in such a way that he would be vindictive and filled with fire.

This… this is not that. Aaravos's shoulders slump. His lips fumble with the name. His eyes are so sad.

"You loved him." It is not a question. It is as clear as day on Aaravos's face, the heartbreak associated with that name. Was he taken from his lover? Does he still love this Fial? Loki wonders.

"Yes." Aaravos's voice cracks. "I loved him."

He takes a step back, wrapping his arms around himself and looking down. "I trusted him, and…" He shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes. He tries to blink them away, but more take their place. "...he betrayed me."

Loki clenches her fists, mindful of the frost that attempts to escape. She does not wish to scare Aaravos again at such a vulnerable moment. "What did he do to you? So I know just how much pain to inflict on him before I stab him in the neck."

Aaravos flinches at the mental image of Fial, his Fial, in the kind of pain he can imagine Loki putting him through. "N-no, no. He is long dead by now, Moonshadow elves do not live three centuries."

Loki does not miss the flinch, ever the observant one. "Do you still love him?" she asks, adjusting her tone to something softer, though she boils with rage at Aaravos's pain and jealousy at the idea that the answer to her question would be "Yes."

Aaravos reaches up to pull at his own hair, twisting it in his hand. "I… I do not, I do not know." He squeezes the handful of hair until his knuckles almost match it. "It, it was the same night I was imprisoned. I never, but I should hate him now, should I not? But he, I, he said he still loved me, and." He looks at Loki, pushing a lock of hair out of his face. "I loved him," he says brokenly.

Loki slowly slides off the desk, to give Aaravos plenty of time to back away should he wish. When he stays still, watching her carefully, Loki wraps him into a hug, stroking the hair he tangled in his fist and combing it through with her fingers. "You did not deserve to be betrayed at all, especially by someone so dear." And he clearly did not deserve your love.

In Loki's embrace, Aaravos can no longer hold back his tears, hugging Loki back like she is his lifeline, the only thing reminding him that he is here and now.

"Avizandum discovered I had killed the last queen," he says into Loki's hair. "I don't, I do not know why Fial decided to help him." He gives a bitter laugh that ends in a strangled sob. "Moonshadow honor, most likely. Keeping me from hurting more people, more dragons and elves, before I could. Like putting down a dog that attacks someone before it can cause more harm."

Loki holds Aaravos tighter, words failing her as she feels him sob. She cannot bear his crying, his pain. If only she were the one falling apart, as she did earlier. That was far more bearable than this.

Oh… oh no… I love him.

I believe I have for a while.

But she cannot tell him, she cannot love him, not when he is preparing to leave her. It would only end in heartbreak.

Loki's silence helps somehow, her arms around Aaravos making him feel safe enough to confess, "H-he drugged me. To take away my magic. That, that was when they came. After I was asleep, not knowing my magic was gone, they came, and, and he went out to meet them. I, I woke to find him gone, and I went looking for him, but he was, he was talking with a Sun mage. Telling them I was sleeping and helpless. They could imprison me easily."

He chokes on a crazed laugh. "But I was awake. They came thinking to take me by surprise, but it was I who took them by surprise. I, I fought them. I tried, I did." His grip on Loki's shoulders tightens. "I tried. There were, there were too many of them, I couldn't."

Why does it feel like he is trying to explain himself to Loki? Yet it seems so important to him that she knows he fought with everything he had to avoid imprisonment.

"I know you did. I know you did," Loki soothes Aaravos in hushed tones. "You are far too strong of body and mind to go down without a fight." They are far more similar than Loki had realized… Even with all their powers gone, even without any hope of prevailing, neither of them would give their enemies the satisfaction of seeing them give up. It gives Loki a sort of sad hope, the fact that Aaravos will always fight. Will he fight for her? For her freedom?

"He helped," Aaravos mumbles. "He helped them, used his magic to help put me here. He said, he said he was sorry." He manages to inject some venom into the last word. "He said he loved me. That he was only doing what was best for Xadia."

Aaravos pulls back from Loki, fists clenching at his sides, and lets out a wordless yell. "That was what I wished!" he shouts, looking anywhere but at Loki, he is not angry with her. "A Xadia at peace, a Xadia where humans and elves were equals! That would be better for Xadia!"

He spins, hands tangling in his hair again, and comes face to face with Fial.

Loki knows this kind of pain, and it needs to get worse before it can be relieved at all. She keeps her current voice underneath the illusion as a reminder that it is still her underneath the disguise. She has no way of knowing what Fial sounded like anyway. "Tell me what you wanted to tell him. Scream at me, let it all out. I can take it, and I think you need it."

Aaravos barely registers the words. "You betrayed me!" he snaps. "And for what? Why? You wished to keep Xadia as it was, a world where you were on top for an accident of birth! And you called me disloyal for remembering Xadia before humans were banished, called me cruel for nothing more than what your own kin claimed as their duty! You claimed to love me and yet you were willing to be complicit in my imprisonment!?" He scoffs, drawing himself up and glaring at the illusion with tears in his eyes. "Is it any wonder I cannot now confess love as I once could, after what you did to me? Lying moon mage!"

Loki withdraws into herself, much the way she would when she was younger and Odin would set about in one of his tirades. She blocks out much of what Aaravos says, letting it pass over her, reassured by the fact that it is not being said to her, but to Fial.

But… "I cannot now confess love."

Who would Aaravos wish to confess to when he had no one save his captor and, more recently, Loki to talk to in these past three hundred years?

Aaravos couldn't…

No…. surely not. He would not be leaving if he loved her.

But would Loki not do the same, if it were the best chance for Aaravos's freedom?

But why would he love her of all people?

It must just be because he is lonely. Once he is free and reminded of all that he can have, he would forget any affection he has for Loki, right?

She cannot get her hopes up.

But oh how she wishes she could. She wishes she could believe that her love would ever be returned in equal measure, not just by Aaravos, but by anyone she has cared for.

Loki takes a deep breath. If Aaravos does not want to say anything more on the matter, then it is not her place to ask. Those words were said to Fial, not to her. Loki transforms back into herself. "Did that help?"

All the anger drains out of Aaravos when Loki transforms back, leaving him feeling empty and exhausted. "Yes, I think it did. I am so, so sorry, I did not intend to shout at you. I should not have done that; you did not deserve my anger."

"I invited your anger to help you release it. Consider it payback for the ordeal I put you through earlier. I am sure the ice made dinner more difficult to prepare."

"You did not need to," Aaravos says. "I helped you through it because I lo–" He cuts himself off, eyes widening. "Er, because that is what friends do. There is no need for any sort of payback or repayment, when something is done out of love."

It takes him a moment to process his own words.

Loki is just as stunned as Aaravos seems to be. She is surprised by his apparent slip of the tongue. "Love like… friends. You can love and care for friends, right?"

"Yes, but…" Aaravos sighs. He wants to tell her, but what if…?

No. He cannot let Fial hurt him any more. He has already let fear of betrayal keep him from telling Loki what he has been wanting to tell her since he realized the depth of his feelings. He will tell her, because Loki is different. She is not Fial, she will not betray him.

"...like romantically."

Loki's heart pounds. She is elated and devastated at the same time. And for some reason, instead of shouting from the top of the lungs the sheer joy it is that she loves him too, her voice cracks as she asks him. "How can you tell me that now when you are about to leave me?"

She cannot give him the burden of her love when he has to focus on his escape.

"I am leaving for you. You deserve to be free, not trapped here, but I do not know how to free you without Zubeia's help, and I cannot get that from here. Perhaps if she had the mirror, but it is not even in Xadia."

He starts to reach a hand out to her, then stops. "I apologize. I… from your words earlier, when my sight returned, I thought, perhaps, you felt the same, and, and I wanted to tell you."

Loki grabs his hand, pulling it close to her as if she can place her heart in Aaravos's hand. "You thought right, Aaravos. I was so scared that you did not feel the same, but now that I know you do… somehow I am even more terrified."

Aaravos's breath catches. "And I feel as though my heart is about to burst from my chest, or I might simply stop breathing."

You thought right. A ridiculous grin spreads across his face, so wide he has to close his eyes. He cannot stop smiling.

That would be why he does not realize the mage is waking until he realizes he can no longer hear Loki's breaths.

The smile freezes on his face and he growls a quiet string of curses. If the mage is not dead by the end of the battle, he may be soon after Aaravos is free. Aaravos is growing quite certain the man is choosing his times to wake specifically to interfere with him.

Loki cups Aaravos's cheek in her palm. "I have not said it properly yet, have I? Though, to be fair, neither have you. I love you, Aaravos. I love you."

Aaravos does not respond, and when he opens his eyes, they are clouded over.

Loki yanks her hand away from him as if she has been burned. "No. That is not fair. That is not fair." She stumbles backwards, catching herself at the edge of the desk. "Is it not enough that my own family deserted me? That they would always throw me into unfair games to earn their love that I would always lose? Is the very fabric of the multiverse against me as well?" She directs her voice at the ceiling and screams. "Is there some powerful bastard enjoying my pain?"

Her telekinesis goes awry, the desk and chair flinging across the room and books flying off the shelves. "I finally have love! And he is taken away from me! I will not have it! I will not!"

She reaches out and squeezes Aaravos's hand. "I will find a way to follow you out of here. I swear it. I cannot accept being apart from you for so long, not now."

"Aaravos!" the mage says sharply. "What are you saying?"

Aaravos spins, leveling a dangerously calm look on the mage. "You have exactly five minutes to be on your horse and riding towards the Storm Spire, do I make myself clear?"

The mage looks as though he will argue, until Aaravos adds, "Four minutes fifty-nine seconds. Fifty-eight. Fifty-seven."

It seems the man is not interested in finding out what Aaravos would do if he reached zero. They are riding out within four minutes, Aaravos not bothering with the illusion horse.

Soon, he promises Loki. I will return soon.