As Naminé stared down at her empty medicine pouch, she knew that her time would be up soon. The supply of herbal remedies that had previously lasted her weeks had disappeared in a matter of days, and already she felt a thorny prickle at the back of her throat. Of course, the day she realized Riku would have to leave for some time had been particularly bad.
Her only saving grace was the fact that his departure had been delayed. He didn't need any training, but planning and preparation were crucial to their success in locating Sora. That had given her enough time to think, not about whether she needed to say anything, but about what she would say.
How did one confess their love, anyways? Did she actually have to say the word itself, or could she find another way to say it? She knew so little of love, and the fairytales she'd read since her awakening and realization hadn't seemed entirely realistic.
The second anxiety nagging at the back of her head was a single question: could he actually love her back? He cared for her enough to fly all the way to Radiant Garden when she'd awoken. He'd embraced her amidst her emotional turmoil without even a hint of judgment. He'd complimented her art. And even if he'd just spent time with her in order to find Sora, he had appeared to be enjoying himself in her company.
Just the thought of it made the discomfort in her throat grow. It wouldn't be much longer before the others noticed. She could tuck away the little petals that slipped out, but more would always come. What if they wouldn't stop, or worse, what if she stopped breathing?
Maybe Naminé was overthinking it, and she just needed to come right out and say how she felt. But if he didn't reciprocate, what then? She supposed she could try to stop loving him herself, or brace herself and get the Hanahaki removed.
She'd lose the only memories she couldn't restore.
Her time in the mansion would be filled with blank spaces and no comfort to cushion the hardship. Her mission to restore Sora's memories would have been a lonely one. Recalling Castle Oblivion would be even stranger. Her mind shifted to Riku's replica and whether she'd still remember him. He didn't deserve to have memories of him erased either. He was his own person, she believed, so maybe her memories of him would remain.
No, she couldn't risk it.
If she did forget about Riku, How would he react? Spending so much time with someone, only for them to suddenly act like they'd never met you—it seemed cruel. Would he try to rebuild their friendship from the ground up?
She was getting ahead of herself again. It was no use speculating on the potential pain she'd endure with rejection. If anyone had asked her if she was worthy of love when she'd first awoken, she'd probably have said no. For who could love a former Nobody who'd just gained a heart?
Now, however?
Whenever her gaze found Riku, whenever their eyes met during conversation and one corner of his lips would lift into a smile, whenever his shoulders relaxed in her presence, whenever he took in every detail of her drawings—and she, in turn, took in every detail of him—she'd begun to believe she deserved a life of just that. If she could learn to love alongside him, that was more than she could ask for.
Naminé had decidedly spent enough time in her own mind, so she picked herself off of her bed and went to the only person who knew Riku better than anyone else.
Sure, Kairi had a soft and comfortable bed to lay on, but Naminé wished that the scientists had atleast given her friend a better sleeping atmosphere than a cold, industrial laboratory. Atleast Ienzo had always respected their privacy, so the two girls were left alone during Naminé's visits. Kairi slept soundly, but her former Nobody could feel her heart's presence. She took a deep breath and sat in the chair beside Kairi's bed.
"Kairi, I have a confession to make." She reached out and rested her hand within Kairi's at her side. "I know you're not awake to fully react, but I hope you won't think poorly of me."
"The truth is I...I'm in love. With Riku."
She'd never admitted it outloud before. It was good practice, she supposed, as the weight of her secret had already begun to lift from her shoulders.
"Silly, I know. I've only just gained my own heart, and already I'm rushing to give it to someone else." She paused and waited for any reaction, but Kairi just slept with the same relaxed smile she always had. Maybe that meant approval, for Naminé had half-expected the girl to jolt awake and either squeal in excitement or scream with panic.
No, Kairi was too kindhearted to give pity.
"I just want someone else to know, and when I think of love, I picture you and Sora extending your hands out to me. You love other people, sure, but not nearly in the same way that you love each other. I don't need to look into Sora's memories to know that, and, well, I did live within your heart for a whole year." She let out a laugh before glancing around and verifying again that they were still alone in the room. "I...I hope I don't mess this up. I don't know yet if I'm worthy of Riku's affection, but if you think that I am, then that might push me to actually..."
Before she could finish her thought, a new vision suddenly swarmed Naminé's senses, but this time it wasn't an old memory of Sora and Kairi. Naminé swiftly opened her sketchbook, well-practiced in blindly pulling it and her pencil from her bag.
The landscape was familiarly dark and rainy, like in her many other visions. But now, instead of looking to a wide cityscape with towering buildings from a tall rooftop, the memory was from the ground level, gazing within a small shop window.
Specifically, displayed brightly against the window pane, was a large stuffed shape of a Paopu Fruit. Soon after, Sora's partially-covered hand raised into her vision, carrying the familiar charm that Kairi had gifted to him long ago. The same charm whose meaning Naminé had once manipulated to point to her instead.
Naminé understood then. Sora remembered Kairi and their connection. Or perhaps he feared that his memories of her would slip away again. She couldn't sense whether he felt happy, worried, or lonely, but she wished she had a way to communicate back with him.
She wondered how this world knew of the paopu fruit and its legend. If Yozora was only connected to their world as a fictional character, then how could stories from their outside world make their way within? Or perhaps Yozora simply knew the best way to speak to Sora's heart, well-intentioned or not.
But those were questions for more knowledgeable people later on. Sora and Kairi had guided this memory to Naminé while she spoke of love. She'd been given this memory for a reason.
"He really does love you," Naminé said when her own vision took over once again.
Kairi couldn't respond, as expected, but Naminé still gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
In the silence that followed, a sudden curiosity came over Naminé. As a Nobody, she could alter the memories of Sora and those connected to him, but she could only view and change memories related to Sora. Now, she had a full heart and an existence unrelated to the Keyblade wielder at all. She hadn't thought to test the full expanse of her magic, but she wondered if gaining a full heart had allowed her to see full memories.
See Kairi's full memories. The ones she can't remember.
Naminé shifted her focus from Sora's memories to the ones of the girl who slept beside her.
"I hope you'll trust me, Kairi," she said before closing her eyes, and one by one, Kairi's memories made themselves known in an endless chain.
Naminé's breath stuttered, and pure ambition drove her onward, to search as far back within Kairi's memories as she could. Some older links on the chain were weak, likely nudged to the back of Kairi's mind as it made way for new memories. A silhouette of a young boy with spiked hair showed itself in one final vision, then the memories abruptly stopped.
They didn't so much end as they ceased functioning. Naminé could see the remnants of chains, now long-broken and shattered. She could mend breaks she'd made herself, having had a whole year of practice repairing her damage. But this? This was something else entirely.
Naminé took the first broken link and examined it as closely as she could. Kairi had been asleep for the better part of a few months now. If she still couldn't regain these memories, then something drastic had done this damage.
When a memory had been shattered this heavily beyond repair, Naminé couldn't even begin to wonder how she could piece it back together. Perhaps over time, she could, but worry prevented her from considering it. Maybe it had been destroyed for a reason, and regaining those memories would only cause Kairi more pain.
Her consciousness returned to the metallic room, and her mind to her experiment. "I can't believe it," she giggled. She could see and alter the memories of others, not just Sora. No memory was off limits to her magic, but the excitement of her discovery quickly turned into a massive weight of dread and responsibility. This scale of power, if put into the wrong hands, could be devastating.
The only thing she knew was that the number of people to tell about her newfound powers needed to remain limited. Trusted friends only, and ones who could keep a secret.
The laboratory door creaked open and startled Naminé, causing her to drop her sketchbook with a loud clatter.
"Oh, sorry!" Ienzo held his hands out apologetically. "I should've knocked first."
"It's okay." Naminé relaxed and laughed it off. "It's your lab, after all."
"How is Kairi? Anything new?" He paused and chuckled. "Funny, normally it's other people asking me for answers. Feels weird to be the one prodding."
Naminé smiled and retrieved her belongings. "I think she's doing okay. I saw another one of Sora's memories. A new one."
"Oh?" The man stepped closer as Naminé held up her sketchbook. The drawing was simple, a small shop window with a light beaming down on the stuffed paopu fruit on display. "Oh," he repeated more solemnly. A saddened smile crossed Ienzo's features, telling Naminé she didn't need to elaborate any further.
"Yeah," Naminé confirmed and tucked away her sketchbook. Ienzo could probably be trusted with the knowledge of her magic, but she needed time to figure out how to explain it all.
Sitting with her dear friend had provided a distraction and a surprising revelation, but now her mind drifted to her more urgent dilemma once again. More specifically, she pondered the meaning of the vision and the reason she'd been shown it.
Right after admitting her feelings for Riku.
Naminé shot out of her seat, startling Ienzo in return. "There's something I have to do. Do you know where Riku is?"
Ienzo blinked, slow to follow the sudden change of subject. "I believe he's...with the Restoration Committee, going over everything he needs."
"Do you mind messaging him for me?"
It wouldn't be until late evening that she'd see Riku again, which gave her an entire afternoon to fret even more over what to say and every possible reaction from him. She did her best to silence the overly negative voice in her head that said he'd simply laugh her off and leave.
At the same time, however, she had to be a little realistic. Even if he did return her feelings and cure her affliction, it's possible he wouldn't want to...act on them yet. There was so much more going on in their lives, so many more important things to do, it felt selfish for Naminé to take so much of his attention.
The sounds of the rushing multi-sided waterfalls provided enough of a distraction when her thoughts became too much. She stood waiting in the same garden where she'd had her last vision. It felt so long ago despite having happened only days prior. Things had changed so quickly, and it could all change again with a simple confession.
She spent so long pacing in the garden that she swore she'd created a rut in the grass. When Riku's voice finally came for real, it made her jump.
"Naminé," he said. "Ienzo said you wanted to see me." He emerged from behind the walls, approaching her like he always had with a relaxed familiarity. The evening sun filled the lower gardens with warm light and illuminated him with an almost ethereal glow.
"Y-yes." She collected herself and stood straight to face him. "Sorry to bother you."
A single eyebrow quirked at her apologetic nature. "No worries. I didn't mean to take so long. We considered visiting more worlds Sora's been to, and...it's just...everything, you know?"
"Yes," was all she could bring herself to say. Again.
An awkward silence hung until he initiated the conversation a second time. "We should get you a phone, so you can just...reach out whenever you'd like," he smiled. "No middle man required."
Being able to talk to Riku whenever she liked did sound amazing. Even then, she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to find the right words to say—an ability she desperately needed right now. Riku didn't have all the time in the world with her anymore.
"I wanted to see you before you left," she blurted, "without all the fanfare."
His head tilted to the side. "Oh really? I...was hoping to see you too, actually." His reassurance lifted her confidence, and her fidgety hands dropped to her sides. The air felt much less heavy as he gestured further into the gardens. "Want to walk?"
A nod was all he needed to lead the way. "I realized I hadn't thanked you yet," he said.
"Hm?" she hummed. "What for?"
"Well, alot of things, I suppose." He glanced away in thought. "Helping locate Sora, being there for Kairi, and just...being a good friend."
"Oh." Her face burned in contrast to the chilled garden air. "It's my pleasure, really."
She suppressed the cough that wanted to escape her throat, refusing to allow her curse to ruin the moment.
"Being without Sora and Kairi hasn't been easy. For so long, I just wanted us all to be together again. But having someone else to talk to...it helps alot."
"Of course." If only he knew how much his company had done for her as well. "We are friends, you and I." She'd always supposed that they'd seen one another as friends, but to have it vocalized felt like a significant step forward. "I'll do my part here, keeping Kairi company and trying to gain access to more of Sora's memories from wherever he is."
"I hadn't doubted that you would." He gave a half smile. "And I'll do my part."
She nodded and bumped his arm. "When you find Sora, you can tease him about still owing me a 'thank you.'"
A lighthearted laugh escaped from him unexpectedly, and Naminé believed she'd found her new favorite sound. "I guess I beat him to it."
Naminé couldn't help from giggling herself, despite the pain in her chest. "Speaking of Sora," she continued, "I sat with Kairi this morning and received a new vision of where Sora is."
His steps faltered. "Really? That's great!" The way she could brighten his face with good news made her heart flutter.
"It wasn't alot, really, just a shop window with a paopu fruit inside." If she hadn't left her sketchbook behind, she would've shown him her drawing. "I...suspect he was thinking about Kairi, which triggered my vision when I was with her."
"That's still good news. It means he still remembers Kairi, which means he hopefully still remembers everyone else too."
"I hope so," she smiled. Her hand ran along the high garden walls as she walked, watching the shadows grow longer with the setting sun. Eventually she brought herself to a stop as the pain in her lungs began to worsen. Riku turned toward her and eyed her curiously. It was now or never. "Riku, do you...do you think he loves her?"
Riku answered quickly and confidently. "Without a doubt. It's what keeps bringing them back to one another time and time again."
She hummed in understanding. Of course, even as a Nobody, she'd witnessed Sora's love for Kairi in his most precious memories of her. Though Naminé had been just a bystander, she could never shake the feeling that she'd been intruding on special moments while piecing his memories back together.
"Have you ever wondered what it's like?" She folded her hands in front of her chest. "To love someone like that?"
Riku seemed surprised by her question. "Hard to say." He scratched his head. "I've always been so focussed on the tasks at hand, making up for my mistakes and looking after everyone else. I guess I never got the chance to think about it."
She looked up at him, wondering—no, wishing—that her name had come to his mind just then, even if just for a moment. Memories, not thoughts, were her specialty. His eyes found hers after a moment of silence, and she tried to tell him everything she wanted to with just her gaze.
I could be that for you.
Let me be your ground.
You are already mine.
"Naminé?" he asked. "Are you alright?"
"Riku, I…" The temptation to look away overcame her, but she forced herself to focus deep into his aquamarine eyes, "I love you."
"What?-" His eyebrows furrowed like he couldn't understand the words that had just come out of her mouth. She herself felt like she'd spoken a whole other language. "I just, um." His head tilted to the side ever-so slightly, his mouth agape. "I-I don't know what to say."
He didn't have to, because while Naminé read every twitch in his expression, she registered what wasn't present: namely, a smile on his lips, a spark in his eye, a hitch in his breath. None of what was supposed to take place during a love confession had happened. A lump formed in her chest, and she could already feel the invasive petals threatening to bloom in her throat again.
He didn't love her back.
It became clear that she'd chosen her confession poorly. Only then did she see how truly selfish it was. He'd just said that his task of rescuing Sora came first. Sora and Kairi needed him more than she did, yet she decided to demand more of him and put another emotional weight onto his shoulders. Panic joined the sting in her chest. There was no going back from this. She could never face him again, never have these little moments together. He'd likely leave and never return.
Unless…
The discovery from earlier that day, about her expanded powers, tugged at the back of her mind. She hadn't touched her powers to alter memories since she'd been forced to do so to Sora. That had taken a whole year to fix, in no small part due to how many memories she'd changed and how many people had been affected. Each additional person with their own memories doubled the amount of connections she'd had to restore.
But here it was just herself, Riku, and one single memory. Closing her eyes, the link was already within reach to her, the single moment when she'd uttered those three words. The chain following after it was short for now, simple to replicate and morph to complement a false memory. If she wanted, it would be so easy to just reach into his mind and…
Already, her eyes burned with tears as she twisted the knife in his memories, shattering the single link and replacing it with her own:
"Riku, I...I'm just feeling a little sick, that's all."
She'd never have guessed that the wrong hands into which to trust her powers would be her very own.
A second mistake to fix her first, and with it, a whole new sickness filled her stomach. She was no better than the ones who'd held her captive. No better than the man she still refused to confront.
When her mind returned to the moment, she couldn't bring herself to hide her own disdain. Tears of self-punishment threatened to break from her eyes, and the ever-growing blooms prickled the base of her throat.
With the fake memory now in place, Riku's expression shifted from overwhelming confusion to one of concern. "Are you sure?" he asked. "You don't look just a little sick."
Of course he couldn't love her. She didn't deserve him. She barely deserved the few emotions she'd managed to recognize and get under control.
"Yes, I'm fine. Have a safe trip," she jabbed and turned to leave. His calls after her went ignored as she put as much distance between them as possible. Hedges, flower beds, cobblestone, and fountains of the maze-like garden flew past her unnoticed. Their smells only reminded her of what was to come. She tripped along the path, now darkened without the warm sunlight, but kept moving.
Of course he didn't give chase, because he didn't love her.
She managed to make it back to her room before succumbing to the burning in her throat. The pain merely from coughing sent her to her knees, and when she opened her eyes, a whole flower lay on the floor in front of her, watered by salty tears. A daffodil, white and yellow.
I took the risk, then backed out like a coward. I might as well accept the inevitable.
This is my punishment.
A/N: Thank you all so much for reading, and for the lovely reviews.
I promise there's a happy ending to all of the angst. I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday season!