An undated letter
Recovered in Kirkwall, the Free Marches
I awoke today thinking of you.
It was weird at first, which should not have been. I've been dreading this day, see. Every time I remember this day, I find myself just wanting to break something apart, just to feel that sense of control. Of course I make every effort to hold myself back to not scare my friends and also because I will regret that sudden burst of anger the very next day. But as the days pass, I find it harder to hold on. I do not know when and how to start without you and your guidance, and it has been two years.
Two years, and I'm still filled with regret.
Two years and all I've been doing is to not fall apart.
Easier said than done.
Everyone is relying on me now. After the battle with the Qunari and me beating the Arishok, I find myself stuck to everybody else's dependency and expectations. There is so much to uphold. There is so much to do. The situation between the Templars and mages is growing worse and now everyone is expecting me to do something, as if I am the only solution this city has to offer. All I want is a normal life. I did not ask for this. Now I am tied to this position and I am starting to feel reduced to nothing and nobody understands what I need.
I need you. I need my brother and sister. I need my father.
I want my family back.
I just want to be away from all this.
Sorry. I shouldn't really write this down, but I do not know where else to turn to, and you've always been the one to listen whenever something troubled me. Anders, Varric, Aveline, and everybody else have offered their ears whenever I need to talk, but I can never bring myself to say the words out loud. I just . . . can't. I don't know the next thing I will say once I start talking. I can only picture myself screaming at the void.
I should have done more. I keep looking back and I see it. I know it. I should have done more.
But no. I did nothing.
I did absolutely nothing to stop it from happening, and you had to pay the price. Everything that I do, someone else pays the price, and now, I am all that's left of our family. I know Carver is alive and well with the Wardens, but as Anders said, it's a cursed life. He's not going to have long. I'm still all that's left of this family. I don't know how to go on, I do not have the strength to proceed anymore.
All I can do is just — (the rest of the paragraph has been scratched and smudged.)
Maker, I should have done more. I can't do this. I don't know what to do.
I miss you everyday, Mother. I'm lost. I'm lost and I need you. Two years already and I still don't know where to go from here.
Many people keep telling me that in time, my wounds will heal; but I fear it will never happen. My wounds will never heal. Not when every single thing that has happened to us is all caused by my hand.
I am the only one who is to blame for this.