HELLOOOO MY DEAREST PEOPLE! Here is chapter two, in which I go completely wack and decide to burn the world down by breaking the fourth wall and just as a whole having a total irreverence for the great works of C.S. Lewis (may he forgive me from up in Heaven).

Crackfic Chapter!

Honestly, most of you will think I'm on drugs after reading this chapter.

Lucy Pevensie knew she was smart. Maybe not as smart as Edmund, but smart enough to know that when a random body drops from nowhere onto the grass, it's not normal — even in a place like Narnia. Even stranger, the boy was dressed in clothes very much like she and her siblings used to wear before they came to Narnia. The boy SEEMED unharmed, so she shook him, and he shot up with a start. Lucy looked at him, and saw two large, deeply black eyes staring back.

"Are you okay?" She asked. "By Aslan, that was strange."

His brow furrowed. "You're Lucy Pevensie."

"...Yes?"

"I'm talking to Lucy Pevensie."

"Yes."

"Okay so I'm dreaming, it's official."

"Why?"

"Because you're Lucy Pevensie and so obviously this is Narnia and oh wow it's beautiful and I'm in friggin Narnia and-"

Lucy's eyes widened. "How do you know about-"

"-Narnia? Because it's a book I was reading right before I fell asleep and now here I am. So this has to be a dream."

"I believe I'm quite real."

"The people in my dreams always do. Is Telmar an issue yet?"

"Telmar?"

"Okay, so it clearly isn't. What about Calormen? Has Calormen tried to invade Archenland yet?"

"Calormen has never tried to invade Archenland. Not so far."

"Okay, listen — at some point this year you're going to want to go hunting. Leave at least two of your siblings behind if you do go, because a kid named Sasha — his real name is Cor though — is going to show up. Calormen is going to send a crazy ton of soldiers to try to invade Archenland, and then take over Narnia."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, and later you guys build a ship called the Dawn Treader and watch out cause some of those islands you get into are weird as heck."

"What?"

"Oh, and Susan ends up not believing in Narnia and deciding it's all fantasy. She goes off with some guy and 'grows up' and never looks back. So much for family togetherness, am I right?"

Lucy was deathly white at this point. "How do I know any of this is true?"

"It's a matter of fandom. Look, you got here through a wardrobe, met a faun, fought the White Witch, and essentially earned the right to rule Narnia over the next thirty years or so. Hey, by the way, where ARE Peter, Susan, and Edmund?"

"They- They're out hunting."

"Ah, sounds fun. Can I meet them?"

"I think that would be good."

CHANGEPOV-CHANGEPOV-CHANGEPOV-CHANGEPOV-CHANGEPOV-CHANGEPOV

The Knower sang as he cooked himself up a fish.

'Thank goodness not all the animals here are conscious, or I'd have to become vegan.'

'Technically all animals are conscious.'

'Oh shut up Two, you know what I mean.'

'I must say, Zale, that your second life has not been as fun as the first.'

'Look man, that's on you. Shouldn't have sent me somewhere life is so easy to not die in. I don't even know what my last life was! And it's not like I have anything better to do. We found a pool of kind-of-eternal-life, which means we can stay here and help the kings and queens screw with the Telmar expansion of canon, we fixed all of the major problems in the Narnia world, and so now I can just chill and do nothing till I die of old age, or whenever you and One decide to bring me back.'

'That might be sooner than you think,' grumbled Two, and The Knower laughed.

'You know people think I'm insane cause I talk with you guys so much now?'

'We did warn you not to.'

'But it's not like you're actually telling me to stop. At least I can tell the future so they don't think I'm JUST crazy. By the way, One, how's the wife?'

One was clearly annoyed about how things were going, as he began his answer by huffing grumpily. 'Look, you forget a Zabla's wedding anniversary with you one time and she sends you to the couch for the next fifteen hundred Zab years.'

'Isn't that like, 30 minutes?'

'Of your time, sure.'

'Don't you live, like, millions of my years?'

'THAT'S NOT THE POINT WE JUST SEE TIME DIFFERENTLY OKAY AND I'M SUFFERING.'

'Shouldn't have forgotten your soulmate's anniversary, dude.'

'Oh, shut up.'

'Oy,' said Two, 'we got company.'

"-Ower? Knower? Hello?"

The Knower looked up, and seeing no one, immediately looked back down and saw an otter at his feet, talking to him. He grinned at it. "Ah, hello there, friend! What can I do for you?"

The otter seemed to be hesitating, but finally decided to speak. "Knower, I must complain."

The Knower grew a little nervous. "About what? I probably already ate your payment. I must remind you that my prophetic services have a strict no-refund policy," he pointed to a banner which did, in fact, have -NO REFUNDS WHATSOEVER ON PROPHETIC REVELATIONS- on it, "and that if you signed the waiver you can't sue for restitution of-"

The otter's voice changed. "About my life! Look man, you fell in here in your normal body and knew everything, while I got stuck in this tiny-ass otter body! How'd you get so lucky!?"

The Knower's gaze sharpened. "You're from Earth? My Earth?"

"Heck yeah, man! I fell asleep one day and then BAM! I'm an otter! The frick-? Plus, there are these voices in my head that keep talking. One of them's getting a divorce and he won't leave me alone!"

"Look, my G, what's your name?"

"Frederick Otterton."

"Your real, human name."

"Oh. Rob."

"Look Rob, if you manage to not die as a Vivid, you get to either leave or keep living out different experiences."

"Why would anyone ever feel like reliving this hell?"

"You're just saying that because you're an otter."

"AND WHAT'S TO SAY I WON'T BE AN OTTER IN MY NEXT LIFE TOO!?"

"So don't die and you can leave at the end."

Rob's head dropped. "I hate my life."

"If it makes you feel any better, I would hate your life too."

"Shockingly, that doesn't make me feel any better."

"What a surprise. So how has life been so far?"

"I have an otter wife, dude. I have otter kids. Do you know how weird it is to find yourself romantically attracted to female otters instead of female humans? I'm freaked out, man."

"I guess this trip just brought out your inner furry."

"Shut up or I'll shut you up."

"You're an otter. Please do explain how you'll shut me up."

"I will piss on your bed and you won't be able to stop me."

The Knower paled. "You wouldn't."

Rob chittered away at him. "Watch me."

"NO! OKAY! ENOUGH! I SURRENDER!"

"You bet your rear you do." Nose in the air, Rob strutted out of the little house. He poked his head back in moments after. "I'll be back, but I gotta watch the fam. Mrs. Otter is pregnant again and my little one could come at any time now."

"Look at you, being all responsible."

"My other self is twelve and was very sad because his "friends" treated him meanly today. I must say, I'm quite proud of my earned maturity."

Half an hour later, Rob was back in the tiny house The Knower somehow managed to live in. "I tell you," he said, "I may miss being a human, but I couldn't swim worth crap before being an otter, and now I'm, well, an otter. I'm also the best at opening clams now."

"Truly fantastic skills to have. Many's the time I've almost cut my hand in two while opening a clam. Mind if I hire you?"

"Bruh, I wish — but I don't even know how money works in Narnia. Remember when we read the books and there were all those other nations with monetary value impregnated in their society? They all use cash except Narnia! And yet Narnia's a major world power? Something's suspicious."

"Maybe Aslan just makes money out of nothing when expenses are needed."

"I've MET Aslan, and he may be God, but the guy doesn't seem like he just steps in whenever his team needs it, nahmean? Bro is more of the 'You must discover your own path my children' type guy."

"Okay that both makes sense and doesn't at the same time."

"You literally just defined Aslan."

"Can we stop talking about metaphysics, godhood, and international economic quandaries now and just have fun? It's almost as if we're being forced to be deep by some external force that's writing our very essence into existence."

"Was about to say the same thing."

"Really?"

"I mean, the first part. Not the second part. The second part makes me think you're on something."

"Reasonable. And considering all the roots and leaves I've been eating recently, very much possible."

Epilogue

Mrs. Otter and the Otter children moved in some days later, filling the small space to the brim. The Knower finally built a bigger house, and he and Rob (or Mr. Otter, depending on how one looked at it) spent the rest of their lives sipping away at tea, playing dreadfully mean pranks on the rest of Narnia (including finding a way to make a long-existing myth of a very grumpy and aggressive water dragon come true), and feasting on differently prepared dishes of clams.

Because as much as Rob hated being an otter, he would never miss a chance to boast about his wife (who he seemed awfully *coughTAKEN WITHcough*, considering the fact they weren't technically the same species) and her prowess when it came to cooking clams. And she would never miss a chance to talk about what a smart otter her husband was. Rob never did really end up telling Mrs. Otter he wasn't actually an otter, but a twelve-year-old human boy. And maybe that's for the best.

A/N: Bobby boy, you know who you are. Thanks for all your support and help throughout the years.

To anyone who wants to be stuck into the story to fit the grander scheme of things, please do let me know. Shoot me a PM, and what type of fic you want to be in, and when I write about that fic I'll place you in it.