Normally the rush of adrenaline would have hit Jason by now as the sounds beyond the open garage door signaled race day. The revving engines, throaty exhausts and the fast paced jumbled shouts of all the various teams' crew chiefs in the distance usually brought out an unexplainable energy in Jason. Not today though, in fact, all those noises did was make him tense which for Jason was a new found experience.
He circled his metallic blue car as he always did yet today he didn't have the same secure feeling about getting behind its wheel. He looked over his shoulder to where Tom was standing going over a few last minute specs. It wasn't as if he didn't trust his best friend, really he did, or he wouldn't have insisted on his accompanying him in the move to Ryan Racing but Tom wasn't Jake and right now Jason needed Jake more than he ever realized before.
From his back pocket Jason pulled out the tattered photo of his father. He traced the outline of Erik's features and his smile with his finger. God how he missed him – Jason was suddenly keenly aware of how much Jake had done to take his father's place in his life. Now to have him suddenly gone even if it was only on a temporary basis – well for Jason it was rough. He half expected Jake to come walking through the door with his boisterous laugh patting him on the back telling him to give 'em hell today. It was funny how Jason had come to depend on little things like that from Jake. Little things that when they took place seemed like nothing but when they were missing suddenly felt like everything.
Jason looked around the garage again. He still hadn't aligned himself with the fact that he was now driving for Pat Ryan. It all seemed so odd for him. He missed Jake's small operation. He missed the easy way he, Jake and Tom fit together. For Jason right now he felt like he was trying to build a puzzle with a vital piece missing.
"Hey man, you ready for this?" Tom asked as he approached a very pensive Jason. "Damn Jas, you aren't even suited up yet." Tom looked at his watch knowing that the driver's meeting wasn't that far off. The fact that Jason seemed out of sorts wasn't lost on Tom. He'd been with Jason from nearly the very beginning and never had he seen him not pumped and eager for a race to start. Tom thought of calling Jake but he wasn't sure if that would make things better or worse. He knew that Jason needed to hear Jake's voice but wasn't sure if having it filtered through a phone line rather than standing right in front of him would really help Jason in the long run.
Jason looked down at his attire and realized that Tom was right. He was still standing there in his jeans and thermal shirt. He shook his head more than a little upset with himself for being so spacey. Without a word he walked over to where his firesuit sat and began pulling it on over his shoes.
"Jas, man you okay?" Tom questioned. He wanted Jason to race but if his head wasn't in it then he knew what dangers that could be and that was the last thing Tom wanted for his friend.
"I'm fine," Jason lied. "It's just… …"
"Different," Tom finished his thought for him. "I know it's weird without Jake. It's weird for me too. But you have to know you can do this without him. You're a hell of a driver Jason. Jake knows that why do you think he wouldn't let you just throw it all away by waiting on his recovery. If anything win this race for him."
Jason looked up at his friend and knew he spoke the truth but that certainly didn't make it any easier of a task. Jake hadn't died but somehow Jason still felt like he lost the center of his world just the same.
"You can do this man," Tom rested his hand on Jason's shoulder. "I know you can."
Jason gave him a half hearted smile as he pulled on the remainder of his firesuit and zipped it. "Thanks Tom," he said knowing that his friend had the best intentions yet for Jason they fell short but didn't have the heart to reveal that to Tom.
"You better get out there. The drivers meeting is about to start."
Jason jogged his way to the infield and stood among the other drivers racing that day. It was the same rhetoric he had heard a million times before and while most of the other times he had made an effort to listen today he wasn't. He closed his eyes and focused his thoughts on the images of his father and Jake that he carried in his mind. He needed them both more than ever.
Leo slipped in next to Jason unnoticed. Glancing sideways at him, Leo too noticed the weariness Jason's posture held. "Hey," he whispered getting Jason's attention.
"Hey," Jason returned with a quizzical look. Leo hadn't qualified for this race and it was weird to see him there suited up as if he were.
"I know," Leo said as though he had read Jason's mind. "I'm not racing but I wanted to come out and see how you were doing. I know it can't be easy for you." Jason hadn't said much to Leo about his relationship with Jake but he had been able to gather that it was by far more than just mere crew chief and driver.
"I'm fine," Jason lied again.
Leo cocked his brow as though he didn't believe him but decided against challenging the statement. "Good. See you in the winners circle. And hey if you wouldn't mind running Weston into the wall for me," Leo grinned like a Cheshire cat causing Jason to do the same.
"I'll see what I can do," he laughed as Leo headed to the pits to watch the race.
Jason sat in his car as the machine rumbled around him waiting for the green flag to drop indicating the start of the race. He desperately tried to keep his eyes focused ahead and his thoughts on the task at hand yet he was failing miserably on both accounts. His body was overcome with tremors he couldn't explain or shake. This was so unlike him. All he wanted to do was shut down the engine, get out of the car and walk away from it never looking back. Yet the bright green flag fell before he could do any of those things.
He took off like a shot and to the outside world it looked like the Jason Morgan NASCAR fans had come accustomed to yet he felt nothing like that man on the inside. No matter how hard he tried Jason wasn't able to find his groove on the track. Normally it all just fell into place for him and his driving was as instinctual as breathing was to him. But that afternoon that wasn't the case. If anything Jason looked like he was out on the track for the very first time. Where he would have normally been picking off slower drivers one by one, Jason was now pulling back acting as though he was unsure of his own abilities. And the booming voice of a man he barely knew resonating from his headset only made matters worse. Finally when he had all he could take of that Jason pulled it from his ears and let it hang loosely on his neck eventually turning it off completely.
Jake inched his chair closer and closer to the television set in Alison's living room until he was nearly sitting on top of the forty-two inch screen. This was the first race he had ever missed and it showed. He gripped the arms of the leather chair tightly as he watched the large green flag drop and the sea of brightly colored cars take off. "Come on Jas," he said softly as he saw him take the lead from his pole position. "That's my boy," Jake announced proudly.
Alison stood in the doorway separating the kitchen and living room wringing her hands. She listened as Jake spoke to the television as though he was speaking directly to Jason. He was barking orders and commands as if he was standing in the pits. Alison felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. How was she ever going to get Jason to leave the racing circuit if she couldn't get Jake away from it? All she ever wanted was to keep her son safe and she had thought bringing Jake to Texas for his rehab was a sure fire way to achieve that. Yet watching Jason's car circling the track and Jake acting as though he was standing there beside him, Alison was having her doubts. Finally without warning she marched across the living room floor and promptly turned off the television.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Jake shouted both angry and startled by her actions.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" she shot back with her own angry tone.
"Move Ali," he instructed as she stood in front of the set making it almost impossible for him to turn it back on.
"NO."
"What's gotten into you woman?" he barked.
Alison saw the fire burning in Jake's eyes as he stared her down. Instantly she knew that she had to tame that fury. "I'm worried about you," she began. "You shouldn't be getting all worked up. The last thing you need is the stress of watching that race."
Jake closed his eyes and let out a humorless chuckle. "You are kidding me right?" he asked.
"Of course not. You have barely recovered from your surgery and only started you rehab. For heaven sakes Jake, give yourself a little time to recuperate before … "
"Before what?" he pressed already knowing what she was going to say.
"Before you push yourself so hard."
"I'm fine Ali," Jake reassured her. "Watching Jason's race isn't going to throw off my rehab. It's bad enough I can't be there physically. You aren't going to keep me from watching the race," he stated reaching around her to turn on the television finally.
Alison almost spoke again but stopped herself. Jake was already back to his montage of instructions to Jason through the television screen and she knew that at that moment she wouldn't be getting anywhere with him by trying to fight him. She resigned herself to picking her battles and this wasn't one she was about to win so she headed back to the kitchen to finish preparing lunch.
The white flag flew over Jason's head indicating the final lap was about to begin. He was trailing behind of all people Billy Weston. Throughout the race Weston had been able to use Jason's being off the mark that day to his advantage. He had ended up being the front runner for the better portion of the race and by the looks of it he would end up being the winner even without having the coveted pole position he had tried so hard for in the qualifier.
In the qualifier Jason was first and Billy came in a distance third but in that day's race roles were reversed with Billy as the first place finisher and Jason trailing in third.
Billy Weston was on cloud nine as he took his bows for the press and showcased his prowess as the superior driver. He puffed out his chest and strutted around like some glorified stud. Suddenly his fears of Jason's being any competition dissolved away as Pat Ryan came to join him in the winner circle slapping his star driver on the back for his glorious win.
"Tough break man," Leo said as Jason entered the garage with his head hung low. Jason let out a little snort not sure what to say for himself. "Don't let this get you down. It's just one race. Besides you still finished in the top five. Hell that's better than I have done in my last five races," Leo smiled sheepishly.
Jason returned the smile with one of his own. "I don't know what the hell was with me out there," he finally said.
"Chalk it up to being in a new place. It's tough coming into a place like this especially without your normal crew," Leo said without mentioning Jake's name. "Cut yourself a break okay? You'll be back to speed in no time."
Jason had his doubts about that. In all the years he had been racing he had never felt as out of it as he had that day on the track. It was like everything about it was foreign to him and in all honesty that scared him. He looked up as the several bottles of champagne popped loudly in the garage. There stood Billy Weston and his entourage celebrating his victory.
"Forget him," Leo said. "So what if he won this one. It's only one race man. You're a better driver than him in your sleep." Jason arched his brow at that comment. "You are. You know you are. So you had a bad race. It happens. Shake it off and forget it."
"Thanks man," Jason said slapping Leo lightly on the shoulder.
Tom stood at the mouth of the garage door watching Leo and Jason – his best friend doing what was normally reserved for the two of them. Normally after every race it was Tom and Jason talking about the outcome. What could have been done differently and what needed to be done to make the car handle and perform better yet right now there he stood watching Jason doing those things with someone else.
Tom looked around at the vast Ryan Racing garage still enthralled with all of the technology surrounding him. He loved it there for that reason alone. He had gotten to use machines he had only ever dreamed about touching yet watching Jason bonding with someone else suddenly didn't make it all that much fun for him anymore. Yeah he loved what Ryan had to offer him as a mechanic but the idea of sharing his long time friend wasn't all that appealing to Tom. As Jason and Leo head off in the direction of Jason's car, Tom turned around and headed away from the garage looking for the nearest place to drown his anxiety.