No matter how hard Jason tried he wasn't able to escape the black printed words on the white pages of the official report about the accident that claimed his father's life years before. The bulging file was neatly tucked away in the bottom drawer of his dresser yet for Jason it was like the manila folder was laying open everywhere he looked. A faulty tie-rod in the front suspension had been the culprit for Erik's spinning out of control in the far turn – a tie-rod that Jason himself had replaced only a day or two before. That thought again made Jason shuddered. Even though so many years had passed since the event Jason's memory of it all was like a steel trap. For the past week he had done nothing but replay it all over in his mind down to every minute detail. And still he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that something he had done caused his father's crash. That very thought again sent Jason's heart beating wildly.
Jason turned his head to stare at the corner of the quiet garage to where his shiny blue car sat. He resisted the urge to throw something at it as all his anger began to well in him again. How could he have been so stupid as to not have checked the stability of that suspension part before installing it? Jake had taught him better than that. Jake Russell was like a dog with a bone when it came to checking and rechecking, especially anything having to do with the suspension. Jake always said next to the motor that was the most important part of the car. Jason leaned into the steel work bench squeezing the edge tightly with his hands trying desperately to get a handle on his emotions – it wasn't working. He had so many swirling around inside of him they were literally making him sick to his stomach and had been for days now.
The sound of the door slamming behind him caused Jason to turn to see who dared enter the garage. Most people had been steering clear of him for days now since any who dared to cross his path incurred his wrath and it wasn't at all pretty. It was Leo.
"Hey man," his fellow driver and friend said as he drew closer to where Jason stood. Jason barely grunted as reply. For all of Leo's good intentions Jason still didn't want to be bothered. "You want to go grab some lunch?" he asked hoping to draw his friend out of the funk he was in.
"I don't think so," Jason replied turning his back on Leo once more.
Leo let out a heavy breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets trying to figure out what to say or do next. It was like over night Jason had done a complete 180 degree turn and for the life of him Leo couldn't understand why. At first he had thought perhaps something had happened with Elizabeth. He knew that she had only been around on and off these last days and wondered if the tentative start she and Jason had forged after the qualifier had gone sour. Yet when he dared to ask Jason about it the young man nearly took his head off. He had been doing that a lot lately – to the point that most people now just stayed away from him but Leo wasn't most people and he wasn't about to just toss the friendship they had made by the waste side cause Jason was being difficult. "You have to eat," Leo pressed.
"I said no!" Jason growled.
Momentarily Leo was taken aback by the gruff nature of Jason's tone. This wasn't like the young driver at all. Even upon his early arrival at Ryan Racing when he had been unsure of it all Jason hadn't been this harsh. "What's wrong with you?" Leo finally asked even though he wasn't sure if he should have.
"Nothing's wrong with me. I just want to be left alone," he said slamming his tool box shut so he no longer had to look at the myriad of pictures of his father – the man whose death he had been responsible for.
"Jason," Leo began but rather than saying anything Jason left Leo standing alone in the middle of the garage. He watched his friend stomp off in the direction of the door still trying to understand what had gotten into him.
Leo ran his hand through his sandy hair perplexed by Jason's strange behavior. He found himself wanting to follow him and try to get an answer for it. Leo had to laugh at himself for he was becoming more and more like Elizabeth Ryan everyday since that was something that she would have done – chased after a person who so obviously wanted to be left alone. Maybe he had just been hanging around with Melanie King too much since it seemed in that department she and Elizabeth had been cut from the same cloth. For a minute he let himself think about Melanie. They had seen one another on and off for the past couple of days trying to decipher what their next move should be for Jason and Elizabeth. Mostly they talked over coffee at the hospital cafeteria not really what Leo would call a date but he found himself thinking that maybe a date wouldn't be so bad. Instantly he shook off those thoughts. They were having enough problems with the pair they were trying to put together why complicate matters by adding their own romantic entanglements. Yet as Leo crossed the concrete floor to where his stock car sat he couldn't help but think of Melanie. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.
Billy stood on the sidelines watching as Jason barreled through the many people milling around the Ryan practice track disappearing through the large chain link gates. A smug grin grazed his lips as he reveled over the turmoil that suddenly surrounded Jason Morgan's life. He was immensely enjoying how things were coming apart at the seams and took pleasure in the fact that it was a win win situation for him.
With that thought in mind he pulled out the statistics report that was handed out to all drivers after each feature. There it was his name at the top of the points standing – exactly where it should be. Even though Jason's name didn't trail his by much Jason's fifth place win in the previous race had widened the gap between the two of them.
Billy smiled broadly as the memory of the last race paraded through his mind welcomingly. Throughout the race he had asked for frequent updates on how Jason was doing and with each report Billy was more and more pleased to hear that his opponent was slipping farther and farther into the pack. How he ended up in fifth place still amazed Billy since at one point Jason was even lagging behind Jorgenson. In the end none of that mattered since it was he who passed under the checkered flag. Billy grinned once more.
"I see someone's happy," a soft voice from beside him startled Billy. He turned to see Theresa Kennedy standing there.
"Uh-huh," he agreed kissing her hard on the mouth still taking pleasure from Jason's misery. "What brings you here?" he asked curiously still cautious about her tendency to show up everywhere Jason Morgan happened to be.
"I wanted to see how my favorite driver was doing," she crooned in an overly sexy drawl.
"Great!" he announced with zealous in his voice.
"You think I could drag you away from here for a bit?" she asked with a wink.
"What did you have in mind?" he questioned cocking his brow in anticipation.
"Well," she said letting the sound roll off her tongue, "Nothing in particular but I'm sure between the both of us we could come up with something," she smiled letting her hands travel the most strategic areas of Billy's anatomy.
"I'm sure we could," he agreed taking pleasure in her touch. "I'm outta here," he announced to no one specific as he grabbed her hand and led her towards the gate that Jason exited through not so long before.
Theresa smiled to herself as she followed Billy to his waiting car. She had seen Jason leaving and had a difficult time deciding which of the two drivers she should align herself with that day. After a moments thought she decided on staying and approaching Billy, since his win the other day he had been an entirely different person and she figured that she might as well enjoy his good fortune for the time being since she was sure it wouldn't last.
Jason sat in his truck staring at the large block building before him. He had done the same thing for several days in a row now unable to bring himself to go inside. He hadn't been back there since the day he had found out the truth about his father's accident hidden in Jake's files. He wrapped his fingers around the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. He couldn't wrap his mind around how a place that had been his world was suddenly now one that made him want to jump out of his skin. Yet he pushed open the cab door and felt the heaviness of his body thrust the thick soles of his boots deep into the Carolina mud. Closing the door behind him with a thud Jason plodded towards the man door never once allowing his eyes to look up at the faded sign above that once clearly read Morgan Russell Racing. He fumbled with his keys finally opening the door. For a moment he stood there in the darkened building so still that a person could hear a pin drop. He breathed deeply taking in all the smells that were the garage. The faint odor of bearing grease, motor oil and parts cleaner still hung in the air as did the sweet aroma of antifreeze. Jason closed his eyes and imagined how busy that very garage always was. It normally was filled with sounds of a blaring radio, impact guns singing a tune that resembled machine gun fire and laughter there was always the laughter from them all as they worked doing something they all loved with such passion. Yet suddenly for Jason that passion and laughter had died. In one fail swoop he had lost it all and it was slowly killing him.
He flipped on the light switch and flooded the garage with a harsh white light from the florescent fixtures that hung over head. Jason stood there motionless as the memories from the past bombarded him to the point they nearly suffocated him. In the far corner of the garage was where Jason's small go cart sized replica of his father's car used to sit. At the tender age of four Jason worked on his car along side Jake and Erik mimicking everything the older men did. He would crawl threw the window of his father's stock and buckle himself into the large five point harness barely able to see over the steering wheel and imagine what it would be like to be just like his father. He loved it when Jake or Erik would let him flip the toggle switch and let the large engine that powered the car roar to life. For Jason being in that garage every day with them was like Christmas.
Jason felt his breath hitch in his throat recalling the first time Erik ever let him drive his legendary car. He remembered it as though it had only happened moments before. The rush of adrenaline he felt that day had taken his breath away. The way the car thundered beneath him as he took the banked curves and how he felt as if he had been shot out of a cannon gunning the accelerator on the straight aways. At the age of fifteen he was hooked and there was no turning back.
The day that his father asked him to join him on the circuit and be a part of his crew was etched in his memory. It had been a dream come true for the sixteen year old. And the first time he stood in the winners circle part of his father's team filled him with a sense of pride he had never known before.
As Jason stood there looking around he could even see his mother and how she would from time to time join them there even though she didn't know a thing about what they were doing. The sound of her laughter in his head mixed with theirs and for a split second Jason let himself remember the woman she used to be – the woman before his father's accident.
Erik's accident – there it was again looming large over him. No matter where he tried to run that memory was all consuming. He felt his pulse quicken as it clicked off frame by frame in his mind. It played out in an eerie slow motion that no amount of wishing it would stop made that happen. Jason felt a hot tear trickle down his cheek. He hadn't cried in years but standing there reliving the life he had had with his father and to now know the part he played in his death Jason couldn't stop himself. He swallowed hard trying to push the sobs to the back of his throat but nothing helped. A wave of tears made their way from his eyes cascading onto his ruddy complexion.
He walked forward to the far wall that held photos of the Morgan Russell team. Jason found himself mesmerized by them yet each time his glance passed over his father's smiling face another piece of his heart ripped to shreds until he let out a tortured cry that resembled that of a wounded animal and started ripping frames from the wall dropping them to the ground glass shattering at his feet.
Tom stood in the doorway watching as Jason continued destroying what represented his father's life's work stunned silent. Quietly closing the door behind him Tom made his way toward Jason and by the time he reached him not a single one of the pictures hung on the wall. "Jase," Tom said softly resting his hand on his friend's shoulder. Jason whipped around fist drawn taken totally off guard by Tom's sudden appearance. "Hey man, easy," Tom put his hands up to deflect Jason's rage.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Jason questioned furiously.
"Looking for you," he answered.
"Get out!" Jason ordered as he pressed his hands against his face wiping away any remnants of tears.
"Jason…" Tom began.
"I said get the hell out of here!"
Tom stood his ground he didn't speak but he didn't move either. He knew what was bothering his best friend. It had something to do with that stupid letter that had arrived at the garage. The letter that he had wished Jason had never seen. Tom wanted to rip the head off of whoever had sent it. It was all bullshit he knew that much but he also knew that he had thrown Jason for one hell of a loop. "I'm not going anywhere," Tom finally said.
Jason felt the muscles in his fists contract into tight balls as his ice gaze bore holes through Tom as the pair stood staring one another down neither willing to concede their stance. Jason looked down at the ground as the sound of broken glass grinding between the heel of his boot and the cold concrete echoed through the now silent garage. "What do you want Tom," Jason asked through clenched teeth all the while just wanting to be left alone.
"I wanted to see if you were okay," Tom said knowing how lame that sounded.
"See," Jason said raising his arms high, "I'm fine. You can go now."
"The hell you're fine," he retorted. "You're anything but fine. Let me help, please."
"Just get outta here!" Jason stated turning his back on his friend.
Suddenly Tom lurched forward unable to stand seeing Jason in so much pain any longer. "You aren't responsible," Tom said as though he was reading Jason's mind. "I don't care what bull shit was in that letter. You had nothing to do with your dad's accident!" Tom reached out and placed his hand tentatively on Jason's shoulder.
"What the hell do you even know about it?" Jason's anger flashed as he quickly turned to meet Tom's stare.
"I know you Jason. I know that you couldn't have had anything to do with what happened."
"You don't know a damn thing! Hell you weren't even there!" Jason barked furiously.
"No I wasn't," he conceded. "But I have been around both you and Jake for a lot of years now and I know in my heart that nothing you did or didn't do caused your dad's crash."
"I know different," Jason argued.
"Why? Because some fucking piece of paper sent by god knows who says you did? That's crazy Jason!"
"It's not," Jason spat as more recollections from that long ago day made their way into his mind. Anymore he wasn't sure what were real memories and which were imagined as he spent hour upon hour dwelling on everything.
"Yes it is man! You're a great mechanic – thorough to a fault. I don't care what that paper wants you to believe. YOU AREN'T THE CAUSE OF YOUR FATHER'S ACCIDENT!"
"Just leave me alone, Tom," Jason said bewildered by it all.
"I won't! I can't stand by and let you beat yourself up over something I know isn't your fault. Let me help you. I'll do whatever you want to prove to you that you aren't responsible."
"You want to do something for me? Then leave me the hell alone!" Jason shouted as he shoved his way past his friend. "Just leave me alone!"
"Jason!" Tom yelled after him to now avail as he angrily kicked the pile of debris on the floor.
Elizabeth looked at her watch. She knew she was running late again. It seemed like for the last week or more she had barely time to breathe. The deadline for a substantially large grant at the hospital had been pushed up and somehow the paperwork had found its way to her desk. So basically she had been eating and sleeping not to mention wading her way through its paperwork day and night for days now. So when Melanie called Elizabeth took the opportunity for a much needed break not to mention the fact that she was dying to get the scoop on what was going on between her friends. Even though she had been swamped the fact that she had seen Leo at the hospital on more than one occasion hadn't been lost on her – especially since he hadn't come looking for her.
Elizabeth pulled into one of the two spaces designated for take-out parking cut the engine and quickly hurried inside the bar knowing for sure that the wings and fries she ordered for her and Melanie were surely cold by now. "There's an order here for Ryan," she said to the guy behind the bar who immediately headed off toward the kitchen.
She stood there looking around the room when her eyes suddenly saw Jason sitting on the other side of the horseshoe bar. She almost called to him but stopped herself when she saw the empty shot glasses lined before him like tiny soldiers. On closer inspection she realized that there was an identical row behind the first for a total of at least twenty shots or more not to mention several empty amber beer bottles as well.
"Here you go," the bartender returned with her order.
"How long has he been here," she asked pointing to Jason as she handed over the money for her food.
"Better part of the afternoon. I shut him off a while ago and was just getting ready to call him a cab."
"Forget the cab," Elizabeth said. "I'll make sure he gets home okay." She grabbed the brown paper sack and made her way towards the other end of the bar.
She had trouble wrapping her head around what she was seeing. This wasn't at all the Jason she knew – then again she reasoned she didn't know him very well yet something just seemed off to her. All through Jake's illness Jason had been distraught yet she had never once seen him drink to this degree and that alone worried her.
Quietly she slipped into the stool beside him and placed her hand over the remaining shot glass perched between Jason's fingers. "Jason," she said softly in a questioning tone.