Jason knew the touch without having it look up yet the sound of her voice clinched it. "Jason," Elizabeth said softly. Instantly his body went rigid mixed emotions filling him once more. His first impulse was to be relieved at hearing Elizabeth's voice. There was no denying the calming effect she had over him yet as his eyes traveled to the many empty shot glasses before him and the reason for why they sat there bombarded him again Jason found himself not wanting to face anyone – especially her.
Without looking in her direction he ripped his hand from beneath hers and quickly brought his last remaining shot to his lips. The whiskey blazed a fiery trail down his throat into the pit of his stomach. "Give me another," he said forcefully raising the now empty glass into the air for the young man at the other end of the bar to see. The bartender and Elizabeth exchanged knowing glances as he artfully ignored Jason's request and continued on with his task of inventorying the beer. "Hey!" Jason said pounding his hand on the hard wooden surface attempting to get the man's attention. "I said I want another shot!"
"Jason," Elizabeth's voice was even and calm. "Don't you think you've had enough already?" she asked gesturing to the many glasses sitting empty before him.
Jason wouldn't allow his eyes to focus on the scene in front of him. Deep down he knew that this wasn't doing him any good – drowning himself in a sea of alcohol wouldn't change the facts as he now knew them to be yet the numbing effect he was looking for would have been a welcome relief. That was if it would ever come. "Please, Elizabeth, just pretend you didn't even see me," he said softly almost ashamed at the scene she had happened upon. The idea of running into anyone he knew, especially her, in the middle of the afternoon had never even crossed his bleary mind. "I doubt I would be very good company." Jason knew there were more than a few people back at the garage who could attest to that fact and the last thing he wanted to do was take this all out on Elizabeth.
As he attempted to reach for the half full bottle of beer that sat next to him Elizabeth stopped him. The touch of her skin against his made Jason's muscles quiver and his mind spin – more than it already was. "Jason, what's wrong? What's going on with you?" she asked softly all the while her cobalt eyes pleading for an answer. She should have taken her cue from his silence yet she didn't. "Has something happened with Jake? Is he okay?" she questioned thinking that that could be the only reason for the behavior she was seeing.
Jason turned his head and stared at her for a minute wanting to get lost in her and forget about everything else yet the specter of his father and the fiery crash that took him from his son too soon flashed before his eyes suddenly causing him to think that he no longer deserved anything good that had come into his life since Erik Morgan died and that included Elizabeth Ryan – especially Elizabeth.
"Jason?" Her voice pulled Jason from his thoughts yet when she looked at him and reached for his hand that was the last straw. He couldn't take anymore.
"Get the hell out of my face!" he shouted snapping his hand back for hers but instantaneously missing her touch. Elizabeth's first reaction normally would have to turn tail and run but much to her own surprise and Jason's she stood her ground and never flinched at his harsh manner. "What do you want?" he bellowed again. "Why can't everyone just leave me the hell alone?" he said more to himself than to the woman sitting next to him. "Hey," Jason yelled. "Hey, I want another drink."
Elizabeth took a deep breath and starred intently at Jason. His cheeks were covered with a dirty five o'clock shadow and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. Even in his inebriated state and for all his lashing out she couldn't help but feel for him. "Jason – Jason," she said again as she rested her hand on his forearm to stop his constant pounding on the bar. "stop! I don't think he's going to be serving you anymore alcohol."
"Then I'll find someone who will," he said getting up from his seat stumbling just a bit at the sudden shift of his weight and the effects of the whiskey got the better of him.
"I don't think so," she countered reaching for his arms to steady him.
"I don't need a fucking babysitter!" he snarled disentangling himself from her grasp.
"Apparently you do," she countered.
Jason closed his eyes not sure if he did it more to stop the room from spinning or so that he didn't have to look into Elizabeth's concerned face. He didn't deserve her concern. He didn't deserve anything now knowing what he had been responsible for. "Get off of me!" he said harshly. "Get the hell out of here and leave me alone!"
"No," she returned matter of fact. "I'm not leaving you." As the words left Elizabeth's mouth something inside of her changed. It was almost like someone had flipped a switch and for all those months that she had been holding her emotions in check they all came flooding forward. It pained her beyond belief to see Jason hurting so badly. She needed to know what had caused it all – something deep within her needed to be there for him. At that moment she knew she was falling in love with Jason Morgan – that she had been for quite a while now but finally she wasn't going to run from her feelings. Standing there starring at the wounded expression he wore all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him and make it all go away.
Jason took a few steps back stunned by her declaration. He fully expected her turn around and leave him standing there alone. It's what he deserved yet there she stood not going anywhere. Unable to continue looking at her Jason turned his back and stared into one of the dark corners of the bar. He felt Elizabeth rest her hand gently on his shoulder and let out a ragged breath. He wished that she had just gotten angry and walked away from him before. That's what he really wanted – he wanted to be alone. He couldn't say aloud what he had done. Letting those words escape his lips made it all too real for him – more real than it already was.
Elizabeth felt Jason's shoulders slump and easily she slipped her hand in his and lead him to one of the empty booths nearby. It was hard to imagine that not that long ago they had been in this very bar dancing, playing darts and celebrating his victories. What a difference a week makes she thought to herself. "Jason," she said softly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he said his eyes unable to meet hers. "Nothing's wrong."
She wasn't about to let this go. She knew damn well something was wrong – very wrong. "You don't really expect me to believe that do you?"
"Yes, I do because it's the truth. Nothing is wrong," he stated firmly.
"If nothing's wrong then can you explain to me why you are sitting here in the middle of the afternoon getting half crocked?" Elizabeth asked pulling no punches.
"That's my business," he said avoiding her question and her probing eyes. "Can I get another beer over here?" Jason looked towards the bar as he spoke.
"Jason." Elizabeth used her hand and forced him to finally look at her. "Jason," she said again. "What's going on?"
He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat unable again to look at her. How was he supposed to tell her that his own carelessness had caused his father's death? What would she think of him? Would she still look at him the same? Would she even want to be in the same room with him? That thought pained him as much as the ones surrounding his culpability when it came to Erik's crash. The idea of losing Elizabeth from his life when she has just barely entered it made his heart want to stop.
"Jason," she whispered squeezing his hand gently as she saw his ice blue eyes glisten with tears. "What is it? What's happened?" she pressed.
Knowing that she wasn't about to give up Jason finally reached into his back pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and laid it in front of her on the table. "What's this?" she asked.
"Read it," he instructed.
Elizabeth did as he asked. Actually she read it over several times trying to grasp what it said. Suddenly she understood what was going on – even if she didn't believe a word of what the letter said it was very apparent that Jason did and that thought alone broke her heart. Without saying a word Elizabeth moved from the other side of the table and slid into the seat next to Jason. Hesitantly she rested her hand on his thigh before letting her other arm drape over his shoulders. "You don't believe this bullshit do you?" Jason turned sideways and the look she saw on his face told her for him it was gospel. "How do you know this isn't just some practical joke – a lousy one at that?" she questioned.
"It's not," he whispered as he thought about the NASCAR report confirming what the letter said.
"Jason, you aren't responsible for your dad's accident."
"Yes I am," he said waiting for her to jump up and run for the door at his declaration yet she didn't. Elizabeth remained sitting beside him waiting for him to continue. Again he let out an uneven breath before he began relaying what his search of Jake's office had produced.
Elizabeth sat quietly taking in all Jason had to say all the while not buying any of it – especially not the letter that started this train wreck in motion. Something about it all just didn't feel right. "Why are you just assuming from the official accident report you are to blame? Is it just because this letter says you are?" she asked lifting the wrinkled paper into the air. " 'Cause personally I'm not buying any of it," she stated confidently.
"What's not to buy?" he asked his voice filled with anguish. "It's all there in black and white. If it wasn't for me my dad would still be alive." Jason choked on those words.
"Jason," Elizabeth rested her hands on his as she tried to get him to really look at her yet his blue eyes refused to meet her matching ones.
"I just can't believe that Jake kept this from me all these years," he said not allowing Elizabeth to continue speaking. "Why didn't he just tell me…."
It was now Elizabeth's turn to cut him off. "Maybe because there wasn't anything to tell." She still was more than a little skeptical of it all. While she hadn't known Jason all that long the one thing she did know was he wasn't only an awesome driver he was an even better mechanic. There was no way in hell she would ever believe that something he had done had caused Erik Morgan's crash all those years ago.
Jason closed his eyes and was once more bombarded by his memories. He felt his body begin to tremble as he tried so desperately to hold in his raging emotions. He turned his head and stared at Elizabeth. There she was the most amazing woman he had met in probably ever. He couldn't believe that she even cared but there she sat trying her damnedest to comfort him. "It's no wonder my mom wanted nothing to do with me after the accident. I can't blame her for walking away without looking back. I cost her her husband. I can't look at me I can't blame her for not wanting to either."
Elizabeth's heart broke for him. She knew what he was feeling no matter how unfounded those emotions were. Jason was completely consumed by what he thought he was culpable for. She got that in more ways than most people probably would since she carried around her own guilt for something that deep down she still felt responsible for in her own life. "Jason," Elizabeth cupped his face in her hands. "hear me – you are NOT responsible for some faulty part."
"The hell I'm not!" he shouted yet Elizabeth didn't back down.
"NO YOU AREN'T!" She wasn't about to give up.
"It was my responsibility to check it and I didn't!"
"My god Jason that was years ago. Can you honestly tell me that you can actually remember every detail of what you did that day before the race? I don't think so. Really can you remember anything but the accident?"
"I remember," he assured her. "I remember being the one to work on the suspension and replace that tie rod."
"That doesn't make you responsible for its failing!" she stressed once more.
Jason felt like he was on an ever circling merry-go-round with her "Elizabeth, I know you are trying to help but really you're not. It's my fault and nothing you say is going to change that fact. I killed my dad."
Elizabeth felt her eyes cloud as she watched a single tear escape from the corner of Jason's eye. "No you didn't," she whispered as she pulled his rigid body into her arms wanting so badly to take all this pain away. "An accident happened… …"
"One I caused," Jason said pushing himself out of her arms.
"I don't buy that Jason. I just don't! You're too good of a mechanic and no mechanic how good they are is EVER responsible for a faulty part," she emphasized again.
She didn't know how much Jason wanted to believe her words but the voices inside his head wouldn't allow it. They continued their monotone mantra of his culpability. "I have to get out of here," he said edging her out of the booth suddenly feeling suffocated.
"Jason," she said pushing against his efforts. "I understand that you don't believe me. That you don't believe in my faith in you but you'd believe Jake, right? So let's talk to Jake."
"Why?" Jason gave her a dumbfounded look. "Why bother? He's been keeping this from me all these years already."
"You don't know that. You're just assuming the worst. I say before you do that it's time you go to the source. Talk to Jake," she pressed. "I'll even go to Texas with you," she said completely surprising herself as the words left her mouth.
"Going to Texas – talking to Jake isn't going to change what I already know."
"That's just it Jason – you don't really know anything except what you've blown out of proportion in your own head," she said exasperated suddenly.
"You have no idea what you are talking about," he said.
"Yes I do. I know better than you think." Elizabeth wanted to stop herself but she found herself opening up a part of her heart that she had under lock and key for many moons now. "I know what it's like to feel responsible for something horrible that you had no control over from its onset," she said in a whisper.
Jason pulled back and stared at her oddly the tone in her voice finally pulling him from his own angst.
"My mom's dead," she began. "and for a long time I thought I was responsible." She neglected to add that at times she still did but not with the frequency she once did. The years had shown her that she had had no control over the day she was born and what happened to her mother even though her own father hadn't been able to give her absolution from the events.
He sat quietly as she continued. "I never even got to know my mom. She's nothing but a picture to me. She died giving birth to me." It was now Elizabeth's turn to choke on her words. "So see I do understand feeling responsible. How could I not. If it wasn't for me she'd still be here. At least that's what I thought growing up. It didn't help that my father wouldn't talk about her. He wouldn't tell me anything about her. So his silence fed my fears for years."
"I'm sorry," Jason said rubbing her shoulders gently.
"So see I know a little something about what you are feeling. And I also know how unjustified it is."
"It's really not the same though," he said.
"Yes I will concede it's different in theory but very similar. I could no more be held responsible for what happened to my mom than you can be for a part that you had no way of knowing or controlling the stability of."
"I think you're making it far too simple," he said with a sigh.
"Maybe, but I'm still not believing this," she said fingering the letter that he had given her earlier. "And I still think that you need to talk to Jake and if he confirms your worst fears, which I don't believe he will, then you will be there face to face to get the answers you need."
The idea of going to Texas held Jason spellbound. Not only would he have to face Jake but his mother as well and with what he now knew about his father's accident he wasn't sure he had the stones to do that.
"I'll go with you," Elizabeth said again.
"I'd like that." Jason heard himself saying. Having Elizabeth with him somehow suddenly made the idea of it all easier to face.
"Okay. And until you talk to Jake I don't want to hear another word about you being responsible for the accident." Jason wasn't sure he could do that but agreed just the same. "How about I drive you home?" she suggested.
"Okay," he agreed.
Tom watched as Jason and Elizabeth entered the garage together heading toward where Leo was hovering over his car. Immediately he was filled with an all too familiar jealous feeling. He had tried calling Jason for the last day and half to no avail knowing that Jason was tearing himself up over his father's accident. The last thing he wanted was for his friend to be alone with his thoughts. Apparently he wasn't alone though. Tom tossed the torque wrench in his hand onto the workbench as he stared across the garage at the threesome.
"Hey man," Jason said when he finally left Elizabeth standing with Leo. "I need to talk to you."
"I've been trying to call you man," Tom said. "Where you been?"
"I know. Sorry, I've been a little out of it."
"You still aren't thinking about that stupid letter are you?" Tom questioned. "You know it's complete bullshit!"
"Well that's what I wanted to talk to you about. "I'm going to Texas to talk to Jake."
"When do we leave?" Tom asked wiping the grease from his hands and began picking up the various tools scattered around.
"I'm leaving this afternoon. Elizabeth's offered to go with me."
Those words hit Tom like a ton of bricks. "What?" he said in a hoarse whisper.
"We should be back before the next race," Jason continued totally missing the distressed look on his friend's face.
"Jason," Elizabeth called from across the large garage. "We better get moving or we are going to miss our flight."
Our flight…those words echoed in Tom's ears. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Hadn't he offered to help Jason anyway he needed him to? Obviously what Jason needed was for him to step aside and give him a clear shot to the girl of his dreams. "So can you pick up my mail and make sure the car is race ready?" Jason's voice forced Tom from his own thoughts – thoughts of Elizabeth.
"Yeah, sure – whatever," Tom agreed absently.
"Jason," Elizabeth called again.
"Okay buddy, see you soon." With that Jason turned away and hurried back to Elizabeth and then they both quickly disappeared through the man door leaving Tom to stew in his anger.
Elizabeth fastened her seatbelt and listened to the flight attendant as she went over the emergency procedures. Jason noticed her tight grip on the arms of her chair as the plane began to taxi towards the runway. "Not much of a flier I see," he said pointing to her white knuckles.
"Not really," she said with an impish grin.
"Thanks for doing this with me. I don't think I could have come without you," he said.
"Oh god," she gasped as the plane began picking up speed. Easily Jason slipped his hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.
They continued holding hands throughout the flight and getting to know one another better. Jason sat and listened as Elizabeth told him about how she fell in love with racing and what it was like for her growing up on the circuit. She talked about her friendship with Melanie and clued him in on her matching making efforts in getting her two best friends together. Jason found himself laughing at her animated nature when it came to what she termed as best for Leo and Melanie. He found himself telling her stories about Jake and all the crazy things he and Tom had done as teenagers. By the time the announcement was made that they were approaching the airport Jason had been successful in relaxing Elizabeth to the point that she had completely forgotten they were even on a plane.
"You ready?" she asked as they walked through the gate.
"As ready as I'll ever be," he said all the while the knot in his stomach continued to tighten.
"It's going to be okay. You'll see," she announced clasping her tiny hand around his.