Chapter One – Playing with Myself
I hate my father.
That's all I could think of for three months after he told me "Sorry Bells, I've made the decision. You're going to boarding school. End of discussion."
There was a lot more he said after that but it didn't matter. He tried to show me the web page of the school I was going to. There were tall stone gothic cathedral buildings, like Hogwarts. Girls with big smiles on their faces, all races, sitting on grass lawns beside tall oak trees, in their gray skirts and blue polo shirts, forming lifetime bonds.
"Look, horses !", Charlie pointed out, "Equine Assisted Therapy!"
Beneath a picture of a teenage girl holding a white and tan horse by its reigns it read:
Developing relationships, training, horsemanship instruction, and caring for the horses naturally affects young people in a positive manner – blah blah blah…
"Which means – cleaning up horse shit.", I translated in my most hateful voice.
Charlie made a TSK sound and looked at me with disappointment.
"That's not what it means, it says it's called Equine Assisted Psycotherapy", he pointed out on the page.
Psychotherapy. There it is. He thinks I'm nuts.
Thornwood Academy. Sounds like a place where a serial killer would go to kill a summer.
Things only got uglier after that. I accused him of hating me, rejecting me, throwing me away, all in the hopes he'd let me stay home. But none of that worked. If anything, it only pushed me further out the door.
The more research I did on the place I hated it. It looked corny and fake. We understand. We care. That was their big motto. Pulleeasseee. It wasn't a country club, it was a place for troubled teens – depression, drugs, alcohol addiction, ADD, you name it. I guess that was me now…a troubled teen.
There would be counselors, therapy meetings, groups, also chores for everyone. Farm House…what the Hell is THAT?! It still didn't say for sure but all these former students were raving about it. Must be where they all have their big cult orgies. Level 3, Level 4… keeps getting mentioned. What's that ? What will I be, Level 1 ? Then the more ass I kiss the higher up I go ? Fuck this. I'm not going.
When I got there, Charlie didn't even go with me. The plane ride was so long that I lost track of how many hours it was. I just knew it was a world away from my friends, my school, my life. I was going to a school of fucked up kids because I was one of them. A reject. A broken doll that my father didn't have time to fix. Or didn't care enough to fix. I would never forgive Charlie for this.
A weird bus painted white picked me up from the airport. They were there holding a little sign with my name on it. It was two older girls, they looked like they were in their 20's. They were also too annoyingly happy for my taste. One of them even put an arm around me. Ukk ! I should've just run and not even admitted who I was. I could've easily. But where would I go ? As much as I hate Charlie, I wasn't dumb enough to become homeless on the streets. Maybe I could make friends with some other rejects and break outta the place. Maybe there were jobs around the area I could work. I'm almost 17 I don't need a parent.
The truth was clear though. I was scared. I would never admit it to anyone but myself. But I didn't want to go to this place alone. I knew I would never fit into this place. I was intent on hating it and everyone there. Maybe I could get kicked out. Wonder what the rules are.
The ride there was short and thankfully there was no one else in the bus but me and my two new friends. They introduced themselves to me but I wasn't paying attention to them at all. I think they sensed I was not having it. But they rattled off a bunch of things like, "Tonight there's Getting to Know You Group" for the new girls, PASS. I was given a plastic bag with five uniforms in it and a folder with all the paperwork I needed : my classes, my groups, maps of the grounds. I'd never learn how to get around this place by myself. I got lost going to Forks High and that place was tiny compared to this !
I stared out the window and saw mountains, rocks, trees, little winding roads…I sighed out loud. Then I saw the school.
It wasn't just a school it looked like a whole world ! Once through the tall wooden gates, it was like a whole city inside ! Churches made of stone with brown oak doors encased in black iron metal, libraries, stores, hiking trails where a group of girls were jogging together wearing blue shorts and white t shirts,
I didn't see any horses yet or stalls even. I knew it. Liars.
I could see buildings in the distance and I knew those were the school. But we passed them and were heading onto more small stone structures. Homes. I guess this is where the girls lived. This wasn't too terrible looking. It was quaint and simple in this area, not so intimidating like the rest of it.
"Are those gates locked all the time?", I asked out of curiosity to the one driving the bus.
"Yes", she informed in her friendly voice, "But it's for your own safety. Everything you need is inside the walls anyway."
Brainwashed bitch.
"Your house is Ivy House.", the girl sitting in the row in front of me turned and informed me, pointing out the window. I looked as the bus stopped and saw it. A few other girls were going inside, dragging suitcases behind them. The door was painted a dark emerald green and little ivy strands grew up along the stone exterior all the way to the rooftop. It looked like a little cottage, one I might have loved to live in if I wasn't being imprisoned here. I went to grab my two suitcases and followed the two girls off the bus.
"You'll have a lot of great fun living here.", the blonde one said to me as she opened the door to Ivy House, "This is where I used to live when I went here."
Great. I'm sold.
"There's not a lot of rules in the house you live in", she said as she entered, a big living room area awaiting us.
There were several sofas and tables, a big tv screen up on the wall, computers…not bad. The sofas were green and black, the floor a gray wooden style, the walls white and windows all around, making the room very open and light.
"This is a common room where you can always hang out.", she said, turning to her left, "And these few rooms here are all bathrooms. It's great, you don't have to share. Hallelujah !"
Oh jeez just shoot me now.
The bathrooms looked clean and modern from what I could see as we went past it.
"You can pick your room.", she revealed, taking us up a little staircase, "A few girls have already taken their rooms but whatever is left you can choose."
"Are there any rooms alone?", I so far saw two bedrooms that had two or three beds in each. I didn't know anyone here and I didn't really want to.
"Well…", the girl looked at me like I was the saddest person she'd ever seen, "Yea….I guess…if that's what you want. There is a little room up on the top floor. It's not the cutest room though."
When we got to the room I wanted it immediately. It was dark and small, only one little round window that looked down over the forest. There was a twin bed and a wardrobe for my clothes, a little desk and bookcase. That's all I needed. The room was wooden, a nice clean lumber kind of smell inside. Light colored wood.
"I'll take it.", I decided, tossing my suitcases on the bed. There was a clean white blanket and pillow on it.
"Okay.", the girl said unsurely, "You're sure?"
"Very.", I tried to smile at her so she'd go away now.
"Alright Isabella", she said taking the hint, turning to leave, "Dinner is at 5pm at the big cafeteria. Just go out of the house and down the path on your right. There will be little signs everywhere…"
"Kay bye.", I said, closing the door before she finished.
I hate you Charlie.
"Okay.", I let out a ragged breath, looking around at my little escape. At least I had that.
I could hear other girls downstairs running around, talking, giggling…ugghhhhh….was I really the only one who was forced to be here? Where would all the miserable girls be hiding ? I unpacked as fast as I could and hoped to hide out up here for the rest of the night. But my stomach was already growling and it wasn't even three pm yet.
A text beeped on my phone and I looked, hoping it would be Jasper. He was my best friend, not a boyfriend. And he was super pissed that Charlie made me move away. He promised to keep working on him to get him to change his mind so I could come back home. He was my guard in charge of guilt.
There yet ?
It WAS Jasper.
Yep.
This sucks. Jasper replied.
Tell me about it. I typed back.
What's it like ? He asked.
A prison. The gates are like 100 feet high.
I can't help but imagine you in your little uniform, trapped in Hell House. LOL Jasper seemed to be enjoying my predicament. Or maybe just trying to get me to laugh.
I hate you. I typed, smiling a little bit more now.
I hate you more. He replied. Our way of saying I love you.
Hang in there Bells. You'll be home soon I swear. He promised.
Thanks Jazz I typed.
Then suddenly another text came in.
I love you Bella. I know you probably hate me now but I hope someday you see that I am just trying to help you. Please text me when you get there so I know you're okay. It was from Charlie.
Eat shit DAD. I so wanted to text that but I didn't. No reply would burn him the most. You get nothing from me Charlie. Enjoy.
I laid in bed for the rest of the night, just wishing I could crawl into a hole and die.
I was so hungry but I didn't want to go downstairs and have to see those other girls. Meeting people and talking about where I'm from and why I'm here…I'd rather eat shit.
I groped around in my purse and found my little bag of skittles I was eating on the plane. Five skittles left. That was my dinner.
At least there was school tomorrow. That was something to do, as much as I would hate it. It was September 10th so at least I wasn't coming in here in the middle of the semester. But still I didn't know anyone.
Of course not you dope you're hiding up in your single room with the door closed, how do you expect to make friends ?
Someone knocked on my door at 9pm but I didn't answer it. They knocked again and I yelled, "I'm in here – not feeling very well. Bye!"
No answer. Yea I was gonna make LOTS of friends here.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember the last time I went to bed happy. And my Mom popped right into my mind.
"Goodnight doodlebug.", she'd say. I used to hate that. Now I'd give everything to hear it one more time.
"Goodnight Mom", I whispered, feeling a tear well up in my closed eyelid.
Before I knew it, my alarm was going off. I groped around and hit the snooze button like always. I hit it three times before I finally pulled my ass out of bed. I definitely wanted a shower since I'd been on a plane the day before, I probably stunk.
I gathered my toothbrush, hairbrush, etc. and got to the door going out there. Taking a deep breath, I opened it and stepped out, on my way to Hell.
Right away I heard girls talking, I heard shower water running. I followed the sounds, hoping there'd be a bathroom empty. I walked past a couple of girls who noticed me but didn't say anything. I smirked at them and kept walking.
I found an empty bathroom and closed myself in there. It was a nice little bathroom, white everywhere. Green rugs on the floor, towel bars with nice big fluffy white towels there. Cool. I took a quick shower, washed my hair with the shampoo that was in there, and brushed my teeth. I'd let my hair air dry as usual after I pulled my brush through it. Didn't have to worry about what I would wear because there were these god damned uniforms. Jesus there weren't even any boys around to look cute FOR !
I looked at my schedule and saw I had group therapy first ! Can you believe that shit ?! I wasn't even in a school – it's a looney bin ! Jasper hurry up and get me home !
And within the hour I was sitting there in a chair in a circle of chairs while an older woman named Miss Mary if you can believe that sat there and asked us all to introduce ourselves. There were only five other girls in here with me. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared daggers at Miss Mary.
God I hate it when they ask you to introduce yourself to a group of fucking strangers. No one cared who I was and I don't care who these dopes are either.
They went around the room saying, "Hi I'm Jamie…hi I'm Melanie…who cares ?!
Finally it was quiet. I looked up and they were all looking at ME. Oh shit I guess it's my turn.
"Bella.", I just said.
"Alright good.", Miss Mary smiled warmly, "Well I know it's a lot, starting a new school year…you girls ARE under a lot of pressure, I know…"
Blah blah blah. God I hate this.
Thank God no one made me share. At least not today. I practically ran to my next class, Algebra . At least math was logical and didn't force me to share my soul with everyone. It was the typical first day crap. I'm Mr. so and so your teacher. Here's what we'll be learning this year….blah blah blah….it's all so pointless, all this shit.
English, the same…Spanish, same…and then it was time for my worst nightmare…gym.
Fuck.
I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than do gym class. I never got any gym clothes either. I tried to find someone in the locker room who could give me some. No one in charge anywhere to be found. The other girls were getting dressed fast and a couple of them eyed me with a giggle as I searched in vain for help.
I heard the bell ring and all the girls were rushing out of the locker room into the gymnasium. I followed in my stupid uniform, hoping a teacher would be out there to help me in some way.
They were all sitting on the gym floor, legs crossed Indian style, silent as mimes. No one even talking ! It was weird. I didn't know what to do I just stood there, waiting.
I heard a girl laugh and saw she was looking at me then behind me. I turned around and there was this man standing there, staring me down. He wore a gray t shirt, a whistle around his neck, blue shorts. His body was perfect and you could see it through the lines in his shirt. Nice legs too. And his face…JESUS !
Porcelain white and angelic, copper reddish hair styled perfectly brushed back with a few wisps hanging over his eyes. His eyes…black and hard as he studied me. His jaw was tight and he held a clipboard in his left hand. He was fucking hot. Beyond hot.
Another girl joined the giggling but it was very quiet still.
"Can I help you ?" he asked slowly with an attitude.
"Yea.", I took a step forward, "Um I never got any gym uniforms."
He just looked at me. I felt myself frown in response.
"And?", he squinted his eyes a little….the look almost burned me physically.
"Well do you have any ?", I heard my voice get just as snotty in response.
"Do I look like I have any?", he raised his hands a little.
God why is every gym teacher such an ASSHOLE ?! Is it a requirement or something ?! Or are they trained somewhere ?
"Well…where can I get some ?" I asked. More giggling in the background.
"One can go many places to get many things.", he shrugged, "I have no idea. I got my clothes today without your help I suggest you do the same."
A couple more girls laughed and the teacher jerked his head to the side, looking at the girls behind me. Instantaneously there was silence. He set his jaw and looked back at me.
He closed his eyes and inhaled.
"Go to the school store down the hall and get gym clothes.", he sounded so irritated, "THEN go into the locker room. THEN put them on. Oh wait. Sorry. Take your uniform off first. THEN put the gym clothes on. THEN come back here. Got all that ?"
"Yea.", I was super pissed now. And I know my face was showing it. My cheeks were burning.
"NOW.", he snapped and I jumped, rushing out the door.
More laughing. I wanted to kill someone as I searched for the fucking school store. I was shaking and felt tears spring to my eyes. What the hell was his problem ?!
I heard the asshole blow his whistle and bark, "Squats NOW. One….two….three…"
I wanted to walk out and never come back but that wasn't even an option for me. I would just LOVE to cut this guy's class and take the heat for it. NOT.
I hurried up and got dressed in the fucking gym clothes, afraid to take too long, and came back into the gym. They were playing volleyball. Shit.
"Good job ladies." I could hear him saying as he watched them play, his arms crossed , but his voice was still stern, "Keep the ball up ! Up! Go Heather ! GET THERE ! Good !"
I watched them as I made my way closer to the asshole. They were all magnificent ! Like pro players ! I was terrible ! I was dead !
"Push Molly PUSH !", he barked, "Hit the FLOOR ! Hit the floor !"
This shouting caused a girl to throw herself to the gym floor, saving the ball from hitting it. Can I just kill myself now ?
"Average Molly, average.", he insulted her after she did what he said !
I was standing next to him, so afraid to interrupt.
He ignored me and I knew he saw me there. I waited silently. I saw his cheekbone tense under his perfect skin. My eyes almost got lost going over the texture of his very mesmerizing hair.
Finally he spun towards me and sneered, "WHAT ?"
All the girls stopped playing and looked.
"Um…", I stammered, "I-"
"Oh, right, you dressed yourself. Congratulations.", he growled.
I just frowned back, feeling tears coming into my eyes again. Oh God please no not now !
I was about to open my mouth to say something but he cut me off.
"What is your name ?" he asked like he was about to arrest me or something.
"Bella Swan.", I said meekly, "I'm new here."
Duh. That was stupid. Of course I was new here.
He looked me up and down and huffed, saying, "Obviously."
I tried to think of something to say but he was just looking at me so disgustedly.
"What should I do?", I made myself ask, looking down.
"Take your position, Bella Swan.", he answered like I was slow again.
"Position?", I heard myself repeat, looking at the girls on the court.
"Setter. Go.", he jerked his head to the left.
I didn't know what he was talking about. This class was too advanced for me. Every gym class was too advanced for me.
I slowly took a step towards the court, not even sure what side I was supposed to be on.
There was a little short girl with black pixie hair pointing behind her to help me.
But I didn't see her in time and Asshole grabbed me by the arm and escorted me to the other side of the net, in the back row on the right hand side.
"Setter.", he released my arm, "This is your position. Okay ?"
He was mockingly sweet but sarcastic in his tone.
A girl laughed and my face burned hotter.
I nodded silently, rubbing my arm where he had grabbed it…it felt cold and sore.
"Are you sure ?", he asked, mocking me further.
"Yes thank you.", I said, my voice hard.
"Delighted.", he bowed his head and walked back to his spot. God I hate him I hope he dies.
Of course it wasn't over. Because now I had to play volleyball.
He blew two short blasts into his whistle and everyone moved again. I was terrified.
The girl on the other side served the ball and it came hurling over to our side. One girl hit the ball up and it was right in front of me ! I jumped up and tried to hit it with one hand but missed it.
"SWAN!", I heard the scream instantly. Asshole knows my name.
"Sorry !", I exclaimed to everyone around me but they looked afraid for me, not even angry with me.
"Swan!", he yelled and I looked at him, "Set. The. Ball."
I had no idea what that meant but I said, "Okay ! Sorry !"
He looked like he was restraining himself from murdering me but he blew his whistle twice again.
Everyone started again, the ball being served from the other side. I swallowed hard and watched intently.
A girl on my team put her wrists together and popped the ball up high, another girl pushed up on the ball softly with her two open palms and again it was coming for me !
I jumped up and hit the ball with both hands. It went up right over my head and was coming back down towards me again. I hit it again and sent it over the net. But the ball hit the net as it went over.
The whistle blast was ear splitting. It was loud and long and hard.
I was dead.
"SWAN!", he charged through three girls to get to me, knocking one over in his zeal.
He got close to me and raised his hand a bit, as if he wanted to claw me…then he closed his fist and grabbed his own hair in back with it.
"Bella, was it ?", he asked sarcastically sweet.
"Yes.", I looked down, ready to be murdered. This was not new for me in gym class. But this reaction was.
"Bella.", he smiled at me and that was more terrifying, "We're playing volleyball."
I looked up at him as he stroked his own chin, asking me, "What game are YOU playing?"
I felt tears in my eyes again as I looked at him. God he's so mean ! No not just mean…cruel.
"Maximum hits per side is three.", he rattled off, "Not two, not four, three. Players may not hit the ball twice in succession. And you may NOT hit the net. Need me to write that down for you ?"
Then I got so mad that it came out.
"Could you ?", I felt my eyes squint. A couple girls laughed and one gasped.
The look he gave me then made his former faces look absolutely gentle.
"Get out of my class.", he sneered. There was a definite threat in his voice.
I couldn't believe it but I didn't stand around to hear any more. I was running out before I broke down in front of him. I was in the locker room, in the dimness and I stuck my face into a towel, blubbering like an idiot.
I heard his fucking whistle again and the sounds of sneakers squeaking against the gym floor as they played.
I could hear him yelling at the other girls, "Lacking Morgan – LACKING!"
"That ball was GOOD Alice – what's wrong with YOU ?!" he shouted a minute later.
"ATTACK Diane ATTACK !", he barked, "YES !"
At least Diane pleased him.
I tried to block him out but it was impossible. How was I going to be in this class all year ? I'd die first.
When class was over the girls were all coming into the locker room. I went to the side of the room where no one else was. I quickly changed my clothes, not looking or listening to any of them.
A little voice was suddenly behind me.
"Don't feel bad.", she said.
I turned around and saw the little black haired girl. She was pretty and she looked sorry for me.
"It's not your fault.", she said in almost a whisper, "We've been playing for years, you just got here. Don't…let him ( she mouthed that word) make you upset. It's just…the way he is."
"An asshole.", I shrugged my shoulders, nodding.
The girl looked scared that I said that and she peeked out towards the gym area.
"Shhh", he made a face, "Just do what he says."
"I can't.", I admitted, "I can't play….anything. He's gonna kill me. Or I'm gonna kill him….if he has a conniption from yelling at me every day."
She smiled down at me and said, "Well maybe I can give you some tips or something sometime."
More volleyball lessons after school? Christ.
"No thanks, it's alright.", I shook my head, knowing there was no hope for me.
She frowned a bit and said, "Okay whatever…"
She was about to leave when I said, "Wait."
"I'm sorry.", I wiped an eye, "You tried to help me out there I saw that. I don't mean to be shitty to you. I'm just…upset."
"I get it.", she grinned, "He is very…intense."
"What's his problem ?" I asked her a little too loudly.
"He doesn't have a problem.", the girl's brows furrowed, "He's the best teacher in the world."
"He is ?", I scoffed, "Shit."
The bell rang and she jumped.
"Gotta go ! See ya !", she took off before I could say another word.
The rest of the day went by normally without incident. But all day I couldn't get over how he looked at me, how he spoke to me. I couldn't…no…I wouldn't be in his class anymore. I went right to the guidance office after my last class to get out.
"Can I switch my gym class ?" I asked the lady behind the counter, "I think it's an advanced class."
She began to look as she typed in her computer.
I heard the door close behind me and I glanced over my shoulder. I froze. It was him.
He was wearing black sunglasses and he just stood there, staring at me again.
I didn't know why but I was scared. But he's a teacher, he can't do anything to me. He was just using his assholeness to scare me. If I didn't let him, I'd be alright. He seemed even more demonic with his eyes hidden behind those glasses, if that was possible.
I turned back to the lady in front of me and began to speak again but only a high pitched croak came out of my mouth.
"I'm sorry, that's not an advanced class.", she said, "It's a regular gym class."
I glanced behind me again and his lips turned slightly up at one end as if he was enjoying watching me squirm.
"Is something wrong with the class?", she asked me.
I looked at him again and he lifted his sunglasses off his eyes, putting them on top of his hair. He said nothing but just looked at me in a way that was…wrong.
Like he dared me to say anything bad about him. Like he would hurt me if I did.
Fuck this I'm not saying shit. I turned and ran out the other door where he wasn't standing.
I could hear him then saying, "Hi Lisa, my love, how are you today ?"
The lady behind the desk flirted right back, "Great now that you're here ! Looking good today !"
"I look good everyday.", he stated back, flirting.
They were still talking but I couldn't make out what they were saying anymore. So he's not an asshole to his co workers. Okay. So he only picks on the students who are powerless to challenge him.
Did he follow me ? How'd he know I was there ? Why would he stop me from transferring out of his class if he hated me that much ?
I talked to Jasper on the phone that night, telling the whole saga to him and he laughed ! He said "Poor gym teacher."
"You dick!", I yelled at him.
"Well, sorry, Bells, but our gym teacher in Forks has a drinking problem because of you !" he joked.
"He does not !" I tried not to laugh.
"I give this guy a month before he's in therapy talking about YOU.", he teased.
But his laugh was so great to hear that I couldn't even be mad at him. He really made me feel better when no one else could.
"I can't help it if I suck at sports !", I argued, "I'm just not coordinated !"
"No shit.", Jasper chuckled.
"Why don't you watch some videos on youtube about volleyball ?", he suggested while crunching a potato chip, "At least so you know something if – when he picks on you again."
"That doesn't help me PLAY better.", I shot back but it wasn't a bad idea.
Until I started looking at the videos. After about ten minutes I was more confused than ever.
The only thing I got out of it was : that fucker put me at the hardest position ! Setter is the most difficult position !
"You bitch", I said aloud.
The Libero ? Middle blockers ? Opposites…fuck !
I went to bed having nightmares about what would happen to me tomorrow in gym class. At one point I saw him backhanding me across the face, sending me down on my ass. I woke up to that one sweating. This was going to be a fun year no doubt about that.
The next morning before group, I was told that I had to choose my chores. Like, where I wanted to contribute my time. The horses were offered immediately but I quickly turned that down. Charlie wanted me to work with the horses. I refused just to spite him. But a little piece of me felt disappointed. I always loved horses. My Mom did too. She taught me to ride when I was younger. But I would probably suck at it now.
I was informed that there were other animals here I could tend to. Dogs, a kennel ! That sounded nice too but I said no to that also, unsure of why. Maybe I was just determined to hate this place and wanted nothing changing that for me.
"Kitchen duty is another option.", she looked down a long list of things I could do, "janitorial…you wouldn't like that, it's usually a punishment…Gardening, laundry…yard work, car maintenance, "
It was nice they were giving me a choice. I didn't really care so I just said, "Alright, fine, I'll do the thing with the dogs. Is that ok ?"
She smiled and wrote something down, saying, "That's wonderful. Thank you Bella."
"No problem.", I grinned, standing up.
She gave me a card and told me to report to the kennels the next day after school, 4 pm – 6pm. Three days a week. That wasn't too bad. It would be nice to see the animals there I guess.
All the teachers here were so super nice, it made me feel strange. Well, almost all the teachers. Mr. Cullen, I learned, was the way I should refer to him, was the meanest son of a bitch I ever met. And in a couple hours I'd be in his class again….a sitting duck.
My other classes went by too fast. They were normal classes, normal teachers…safe. I kept looking at the clock hoping time would stop so gym class wouldn't get here. But before I knew it I was on my way there, feeling sick inside.
I changed in the locker room away from the other girls, being sure to be quick about it. I didn't want to be late again. I looked around but didn't see the little black haired girl. Lucky her. Maybe she was sick or something. I wish I could get sick but I could just picture Mr. Cullen coming to my room and making me do jumping jacks anyway.
I heard the bell ring and I followed the other girls out onto the gym floor. They again quietly took their spots and crossed their legs like yesterday, waiting silently. I did the same far in the back away from where Mr. Cullen entered yesterday. I copied the way they sat and took a breath, praying.
The minute wait for him to arrive was excruciating. I looked at the other girls to see if their faces showed any sense of dread. They did. But they were trying to hide it. Why ? Were they as afraid of him as I was ? And why wouldn't they be ?
He came through the opening of the door and it slammed behind him. I gave a little jump and so did a couple of the other girls. The older ones were more firmly in place, knowing better.
He gave his whistle a tense little blast and we all jumped to our feet, standing in place.
"Crunches.", he stated, the attitude of yesterday still there.
No one groaned or anything. This was weird.
They were all laying down on their backs. I copied them and watched as they put their legs apart, knees up, feet on the floor, hands behind their heads, and lifted their upper half slightly off the mat beneath them until the abs crunched together. Head facing straight up not bent forward. Okay. I could do this.
"One….two…three…four…", he was counting at a medium pace, walking around us, watching silently so far. This was almost worse than being yelled at. Waiting for it. A cobra slithering around us, flicking his tongue at the air for the scent of blood…coming closer.
I tried to do my best, knowing he was coming closer to me. I tried to breathe and not get freaked out.
"Higher.", he snapped at me, "Get that back off the floor, Miss Swan."
I obeyed what he said and he said, "Better." It wasn't a compliment but it was better than an insult. And now I was Miss Swan not just SWAN. Progress I guess. I knew the minute we started playing that would all be shot to Hell anyway.
"Let's get rid of those little tummies.", he insulted the whole group as we continued. Now I could hear grunting and panting from the others…I was glad not to be the only one.
We reached 20 and he kept pushing us.
"Ten more ladies. No one is sweating yet.", he announced and a few of us moaned out loud in protest. I wasn't one of them and I was proud of myself.
"Sorry - make it 20 more.", he corrected since some of us objected aloud.
Now it was quiet again. But I'm sure we all hated him at that moment.
"Pizza goes down real easy.", he commented, "But it's a bitch to get rid of it."
He wasn't just mean….or merely cruel. He is evil.
"Keep those backs UP !", he suddenly hollered and one girl squealed out in surprise.
"It doesn't come for free, angels. Keep going !", he was starting to sound more hostile as we weakened.
After crunches it was leg lifts then push ups, jumping jacks…he was killing us.
"If you quit on me", he warned, "You will pay. Lift those knees ladies."
It was a miracle but we all made it through. We were panting and sweating when he finally said, "And…rest."
"Needs work girls. Needs work.", he shook his head a little disappointedly.
A second later he was blowing that whistle again, saying, "Positions !"
Uh oh. I started to go to the Setter spot he put me in yesterday but Mr. Cullen frowned at me.
He gave two whistle blasts and pointed at me.
"SWAN", he smirked, curling his fingers to motion me over to him, "Get out of my court, I'd rather not endure you today."
The other girls didn't even have the strength to laugh now, they were trying to catch their breath.
"First –", he reached behind him and picked up a little paperback book, slapping it into my hand.
"You DO know how to read yes ?", he asked, getting his eyes level with mine, his mockery clear.
I nodded my head.
"WHAT ?", he asked loudly.
"Yes.", I raised my eyes to his, feeling lethal suddenly, "I can read."
"Watch the way you're looking at me, girl.", he gave a low, deep warning, his voice dark.
The way I'm looking at HIM ?! Is he serious ?
It said Volleyball Fundamentals in lavender letters, then in black smaller print "A better way to learn the basics."
"Sorry it's not Volleyball for Dummies. Read it. Learn it. Next week you'll be playing volleyball with us. I suggest you don't suck.", he closed his eyes a second and straightened up, sighing deeply.
I began to go sit on the bleachers, opening the book.
His eyes followed me and he said, "Did I say you could sit down ?"
Shit.
I stood up, looking at him helplessly, unsure what he wanted me to do.
"No one sits on their ass in MY gym.", he informed, "You learn that on your own time."
Again, he motioned for me to come to him with his finger, as if I were six.
"You're going to play with yourself today.", he said with an absolute dark sexuality, "Surely it's not the first time…"
"Megan – BALL !", he called to the girl standing in front of the net who had the ball in her hands.
Instantly she shot it into his hands.
He curled his arm around me and took me with him over to the wall behind the volleyball court.
It was then that I smelled him for the first time…oh my God….it was divine…it almost dizzied me…I had never smelled anything like it before….it was no cologne…it was something else…like cocaine in an odor form but more than that…it was making me high. God I miss getting high. I almost forgot where I was.
"Begin playing girls I have to teach Miss Swan here how to play." He ordered them. They began to play immediately, their voices and sneakers squeaking on the floor killing the silence.
"You are wasting my time", he said in a low voice to me so only I could hear, his eyes more icy now, "This is third grade crap. Pay attention."
He took the ball and it absolutely danced in his skilled hands. He threw the ball up high and put his arms together, his hands in fists, and he bounced the ball up from his wrists.
The ball went up and down perfectly as he stared at me while he was doing it. He wasn't even looking at the ball !
"Watching ?', he asked.
"Yes.", I replied.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen.", he corrected.
"Yes, Mr. Cullen.", I answered back numbly, the daze wearing off now.
"Practice this.", he said, "This is called passing. Keep doing it until you're not terrible."
"Then…", he brought me to the cement wall painted blue, showing me what to do.
He bounced the ball off his arms into the wall and it came right back to him. He hit it with his wrists again and again back and forth against the wall. He was perfect at it. I'm sure…I would not be.
"You can go at an angle.", he said, hitting the ball sideways against the wall, "You can turn around and do it…"
He was doing it all without dropping the ball once. I hated him.
"If you feel less sucky, you can try setting it", he began to hit the ball with his open palms and it came back and forth to him. Suddenly he had the ball in his hand again and he hurled it into my stomach. I tried to catch it but failed, dropping it and chasing it as it tried to escape.
"Jesus.", he looked me up and down again, pinching the bridge of his perfect nose and walking back to the other girls.
This was fine with me, I told myself but in reality, I was embarrassed. But then I thought 'well he IS showing me how to hit the ball. I can't say he's not teaching me anything.'
If those girls were once like me and now they were excellent at volleyball maybe there was a chance for me. Yea right.
I tried to remember what he did with the ball and I began to try. I threw the ball up in the air and tried to put my wrists together side by side, fists clenched, my eyes squinting as the ball came hurling back down to me.
I knew he was watching me and that also fucked me up internally. I felt the ball hit me inside my elbows not on the wrists. The ball went rogue and slammed into my face. I felt my lip sting a little.
I wiped my mouth and glanced at Mr. Cullen. He rolled his eyes at me and turned away, muttering something to himself.
I was grateful that he didn't yell at me. I tried again. And again. And again. The whole period I couldn't get the ball to go up twice in a row at all. I think this thing is rigged.
Mr. Cullen kept coaching the girls during their game. He all but forgot about me like I wasn't worth his time.
"Dig - DIG Jessica !", he shouted, "Wake up out there !"
He turned to me at one point and was about to say something but then he just shook his head and looked away.
It seemed like 100 years passed by the time the bell rang. Oh SWEET JESUS thank you !
But every girl kept moving until Mr. Cullen spoke.
"Thank you ladies.", he blew the whistle twice, "Work on it, it's not great."
I started to walk to the bleachers to get my volleyball book. That's when he got me.
"Miss Swan.", he smiled and his arm was around me again. I was still holding the ball that wouldn't obey me and I could feel myself wince as he spoke very close to my right ear.
"That was the most pathetic display I've ever seen in my life.", he sounded cheerful, "Do you have a disability of some sort ?"
I wish. Then I could never be in his class. Unless he has a class full of disabled kids he torments during some other period. I wouldn't be surprised.
"Mr. Cullen", I decided to level with him, "I'm just not good at sports. I never have been. I'm sorry."
"I get you were a failure before you got here.", he said, "And I know you're pissed about it. But you're with ME now. Sucking is not an option. Not in MY gym. I will BREAK you before I allow you to poison my class. Do we understand each other ?"
"Yes.", I replied, and then quickly added, "Mr. Cullen !"
"Good.", he almost cooed, "Now you are to report back here IMMEDIATELY after school and I don't care if it takes you all Goddamn night ! You are to learn that – tonight. Don't DARE fall asleep unless you can do that move properly. It will be ALL I'm going to focus on in class tomorrow. I will waste more of my time on you and I will allow those girls to LAUGH their ASSES off at you for the entire period. THEN I will be joining you after school tomorrow to make SURE you learn it. And believe me, little Miss…you DON'T want THAT."
He shoved me into the locker room doorway and slammed the door.
I was dead. I wonder if google has some painless ways I could kill myself.
END of chapter 1