Chapter 8 - Morpheus is Innocent !
Bella's POV :
I changed my clothes without thinking about it…and I didn't even speak to Alice as she tried to say hello on my way out to the hall. I was like a mute for the remainder of my classes. Twice a teacher called on me and I had no idea what the answer was. It was like my brain had been wiped out of anything else but that sentence. I believe I punished you for that last night. Fuck ! This is real ?!
Then why can't I remember coming or going from wherever that was last night ? Why do I wake up and my clothes are alright ? I touched my lips and my fingers trembled…remembering his hand over my mouth…the first thing I remember about my dreams with him. It FELT real even now…as if my mouth has memory of it even if my mind is unsure.
And his mouth on me…his teeth….there's no way my body didn't really feel that. It's still horny ever since then…as if it wants more and can't think of anything else.
informed me that I was still in group therapy and was very welcome there. He also told me that he still wanted to see me at 9 AM every morning alone for an hour, for awhile. I didn't argue.
In group, Dr. Carlisle explained to all of us that everything we talk about here is private and not to be shared with anyone else outside these walls. It's a safe place, he told us, and we could say anything we wanted and not be afraid to have it spread all over the school. Everyone agreed with that, including me.
Then he asked us if we all knew each other, any of us.
"Not really", one girl commented, "I see some of them in school sometimes but we don't really know each other."
"Same.", I answered, "I just got here this week."
"Well", Dr. Carlisle smiled his usual sweet smile, picking a little gift bag off the floor near his chair, "I have a little game that might help us kind of get to know each other a little bit…"
A game. I almost rolled my eyes three chairs away from him.
"Anyone want to start ?", he asked. A couple other girls raised their hands, clearly smitten with the good doctor already. Who am I to talk, I think I'm having a BDSM affair with my gym teacher !
"Alright, Lisa…", he chose one girl, a cute little girl with glasses and curly brown hair, "Take a slip of paper out of there and just answer the question on it."
I could picture Mr. Cullen in the gym with his string of basketball girls, discussing how to stop penetration. I felt warm everywhere remembering his voice, his knowledge.
"What is your favorite color ?", she read aloud, "Umm…green."
"Why is that ?", Dr. Carlisle asked her, as if they were just hanging out.
"I don't know…", she shrugged, smiling a little, looking up and thinking, "Maybe because I've always loved Ireland….I would love to go there someday. And I love Outlander and there's such pretty green hills and woods in that show."
Jesus.
I thought what my answer would be. Black. Because that's my whole life. Black is just black. There's nothing cute about it, it doesn't try to be pretty, it's not apologetic for what it is. It's just black. I love it.
"Alright, anyone want to go next ?", he asked, "How about you, Jamie ?"
Another girl a couple seats over was passed the bag and she stuck her hand in, as if diamonds were down there. She got a slip of paper and opened it.
"What's your favorite movie and why ?", she read.
Has it really only been one minute and 34 seconds that class has been going on here ?
"Uhh I guess I'd say 13 going on 30.", she grinned, "Because….it's so happy and the ending…is great."
She gave a giggle and shrug and I wanted so badly to heckle her reply.
Really ? That's IT? Great reason to love a stupid movie. I had never seen that one but it was drivel, not something great like Psycho or Rear Window…or Labyrinth. And I could talk for DAYS about why I loved those movies…these girls are so weak.
"Good.", Dr. Carlisle gave her a kind nod as the bag was passed to someone else now.
I knew these questions were too soft to be true. I just knew as soon as I got one it would be something like TELL US HOW YOUR MOTHER DIED or something equally horrible.
The next girl, Kate with the red hair who has a baby stashed somewhere read her question.
"What would be your perfect job?", she read.
"Hmm….", she thought about it, folding the paper in her fingers as she pondered that one, "I would probably say…maybe marketing….maybe being a marketing manager for Apple?"
Really ? That's the BEST you can dream of ? Nerd. Then something came to my mind.
Are you ASKING me or telling me ?
My perfect job…wow…well being a writer of course, but not of some lame teenage story…I want to write something wicked and totally horrifying…like my Queen Anne Rice.
Another one was : Where do you see yourself in five years ?
The girl just answered, "I really have no idea. Maybe college…maybe getting a job…definitely having my own place."
Oh yea. Me too on that one sister. Then I realized…I might not even have five years left in my lifetime.
I wasn't afraid either. It was a peaceful notion. Like most people would get at taking a nice nap or going on vacation.
When it was my turn, the last to get one, I opened it and read it with a bored sound in my voice.
I stopped dead in my tracks as I looked at it.
"What is the most recent dream you've had that is still on your mind ?" I read it, not wanting to. For a second I nearly changed it to "What is your favorite food ?" Not that that would be a great answer since all the best food was not on my list.
I didn't want to be bland like all the others. That bad girl part of me wanted to come out and since we were assured everything here was private…why the hell not ?
"Sex dreams.", I smirked at Dr. Carlisle as I almost sneered the words. Take that Doctor Doofus. At least there was an interesting answer to his watery little questions now.
The other girls looked shocked and a couple gasped and laughed while I played with my shoelace around my finger.
But the doctor was not swayed a bit.
He gave a smile, as if he enjoyed the challenge I just presented him with.
"Bella…", he said, "That was really brave of you to share."
If he asks me details I swear….I would never give him any or ever tell anything about Mr. Cullen but still it would be gross if he asked me anything.
"Let's be honest.", Dr. Carlisle began, "We all have them, right ? It's perfectly normal…especially for you girls, you're young, your hormones are raging…"
Shoot me now. Only he could make this less fun.
He laughed and said, "But dreams…even sex dreams aren't always about sex. It's a message from your subconscious…trying to tell us something. Like…maybe Bella feels strange here, she's new here…she's trying to adjust…maybe she didn't really want to come here. Who else didn't WANT to come here when they came for the first time ?"
All the other girls raised their hands. I could feel myself frowning and turning red.
"So maybe that's it.", he glanced in my direction, "Maybe it's something else, an issue with another relationship in her life…parents…"
I wanted to scream, telling him to shut up and I wanted to punch him in the face. My demon voice was in there, straining to be let go. I had to hold her back…again. Hey you got us into this with your sex dreams answer, now be quiet. This guy will lock us up for a week if you freak out now.
I forced myself to blur his words as he spoke and pretend they were about someone else. He even asked me something and I just shook my head, not speaking. He droned on and when I tuned back in, he was saying something completely off my topic.
"When you look in the mirror…", he was saying, "What does it show, the outside…your nose…the shape of your eyes…your hair…but you can't see things like your sense of humor, the secrets that you're afraid to share, your thoughts…your feelings…"
There it is. He's trying to break into our vaults and get to our secrets. He's being slow about it, gradual. But that's what he wants. That's what all these doctors want.
I heard Mr. Cullen's voice again.
Don't let him get you Miss Swan. Stay strong. Don't let him break your doors down and see your pain. It's yours. No one else's.
"Accepting how you feel about yourself…", he was saying, "Can be a little bit challenging. Don't you think ?"
Everyone kind of mumbled a yea.
"You know…", he said, "Some days you might feel really happy….and other days…will be rough…not so great. But what we need to learn to do is to try…and make something good out of those rough days."
I rolled my eyes to myself this time. I crossed my arms and checked the clock. 2:22. This guy actually has me looking forward to the very awkward and nightmarish detention waiting for me.
"So another little activity I want to do…", Dr. Carlisle said, taking out a little round mirror compact with a handle, "Is I want each of us to look in the mirror, then answer 3 questions. First…how do you describe what you see in the mirror. Number two…do you like the thoughts you have about yourself ? And three…what are the things you want to change about yourself?"
FUCK ME! Can't there be a fire or something in the school or something ? Hectate, save my ass,
PLEASE !
One after another each girl took her turn.
One girl said, "I think I'm pretty but…I also feel like I'm fat. Like…very fat."
Dr. Carlisle frowned slightly and asked her, "And do you like the thoughts you have about yourself ?"
"Not at all.", she gave a scoff sound, not looking into the baby mirror anymore.
"Alright", he looked down a second, "And what things would you like to change about yourself ?"
"Well", she began, sadly, "I see other girls around here all pretty and they get the guys…they have boyfriends…and I'm all sitting here, like, chubby cheeks and my body is just not how…I want it to be. So I would change my body."
Another girl said that she was kind of new here, arriving last year, and that she gets made fun of sometimes but she acts all confident like it doesn't bother her, and her wish was to have more confidence.
It was my turn now, the girl handing me the mirror. I didn't look into it but faced it down on my knee.
"Bella ?", Dr. Carlisle softly prompted me, braving my answers again. Maybe I can get kicked out of here, I thought.
"Ok", I said and they all eyed me like I was a deadly cobra coming out of my basket.
"I see…someone who likes things that no one else does.", I stated, "People call me freak sometimes. Just because I have different interests than they do."
Okay. Not a lie. Not painful to share either. I had been defending my freakiness since I was 13.
"Actually I like being called a freak", I further shared, "Because it tells me who I can't trust. It's like they just announced to me that they're an asshole. Sorry."
I couldn't find another word for what the normals were.
"That's okay.", he smiled at me, listening, glad I was finally saying something.
"And do you like those thoughts Bella ?"
"Umm…sometimes I do." I took a breath, not looking into the eyes of the bland shits sitting around me, "I like the way I was in my old school, when I could be myself. But here I have to be 'normal'. But I'm NOT normal. And I don't WANT to be."
He sat up a bit and frowned to himself, confused.
"What do you mean, when you could be yourself ?", he wondered.
"Well I can't be myself here.", I looked at him, feeling a little anger now, "I have to be good and study and do my homework and eat the right things and…."
I sighed and summed it up. "We're all in jail and there's not even a CHANCE to screw up or do anything that's not in the school handbook."
I looked at Dr. Carlisle, seeing him as the warden of the institute. Mr. Cullen flashed across my brain as a very stern and sexy prison guard with his sunglasses on, the police hat…coming to my cell…his baton clicking neatly along each iron bar. His wicked smile at seeing me in my little five by five cell, alone.
God I AM horny.
"I understand.", he began.
"No you don't .", I challenged him, "You're not trapped here, we are. You're here to get us to tell our sad stories and you get paid. We have to tell you or we'll get in trouble. It sucks."
Okay good. This is me. This is why Charlie shipped me away. Maybe they'll send me home, telling him I'm his problem again. Not today…but soon.
"Bella.", Dr. Carlisle looked right at me, his voice still sweet, "That is not true. There will be no consequences if you don't tell me anything. Everyone moves at different speeds. When you are ready to talk about things, we'll be here…or I will, privately if you prefer that. This group is to let you know that whatever you're feeling, you're not alone. Everyone has those feelings."
I didn't say anything.
"Who else feels just like what Bella said?", he asked, "It's okay. You can say."
Everyone else raised their hand a bit.
"Yes Alex ?", he asked.
"I felt the same way too when I came here.", she shared, "My parents made me come and I hated them for it. I hated the food, the kids, the teachers…the classes. But in time, I started to like it here. Now I'm really so much happier here than I was at home. Bella…this is really a good place. You'll see."
I huffed and didn't look at her.
Brainwashed.
Dr. Carlisle finally asked, "And Bella…what would you like to change about yourself ?"
That was a tough one. I really loved my dark colors and would never want to change them….but…
"Maybe…", I said with a low voice, "I wish that…me being me…didn't hurt anyone."
He didn't ask me to explain and I had to thank Hectate for that Christmas miracle.
The group went on after that, everyone else taking their turns, giving safe and beige answers.
The bell finally rang and I bolted out of there before he could call me. To me it was like the second I got out of there I could have air again and the doctor and all the other girls in there burst into a fine mist, ceasing to exist until tomorrow when they'd all try to break into my vaults again.
I changed into my gym clothes. It was time for my detention. I still wasn't quite sure what I did to even earn detention now that I thought about it. I just sucked in volleyball. But I guess that was enough. I made sure I had my book and notes with me and I went out there, finding nothing but my new buddy, the wall.
"Hi Wall.", I greeted and put my stuff down to the left, rubbing my hands and putting them to the floor, scooting and huffing as I kicked my feet up, finally finding traction there…I carefully moved my legs apart like he told me…and I waited.
In between spasms, I thought over what Dr. Doofus had tried to discover. He wants to know how we see ourselves, to hear our self loathing, to hear if we want to hurt ourselves so we can be locked up. I remembered once being locked up in Forks. Charlie thought it would wake me up to my stealing habit, or scare me straight. I didn't mind the jail cell. But when the shrinks got a hold of me years later, and put me in the little cement room with no windows and no light and strapped me to the bed, I freaked out. I thought I'd have to live there forever. That's the night I decided that I would die first. And if it came to that kind of life, I would end it myself.
For a second I almost forgot that Mr. Cullen was coming here soon and I straightened up, trying not to fall. I heard my voice, sounding like a frail little waif that was struggling.
It was quite awhile before I could hear Mr. Cullen making sounds in the other locker room across from the girls'. I had already fallen a few times but he had not been there yet to witness it.
"Afternoon, Swan.", his voice was suddenly there beside me and I screamed, falling right to the floor.
"Owww.", I quietly complained, shaking my wrist as it stung now.
He didn't say anything as I glanced up at him, his eyebrow raised, waiting.
I got back on the wall and into my position. I was too scared to say anything at the moment.
"Let's take a look at the notes for today.", he scooped up my notebook and I heard pages moving.
He silently looked over them and slowly paced back and forth in front of me.
"So Swan…", he said suddenly and I almost fell again.
"Shall we discuss the elephant in the room ?", he asked.
"Me ?", I joked, breathing a hard breath.
"No, not you Swan.", he sighed, muttering, then saying, "Elephant in the room means there's something we need to discuss. I don't believe in beating around the bush, no pun intended, so let's just get to it, shall we ?"
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I said, not sure what most of that meant.
I could see his back lean on the wall beside me, his arms crossed in a relaxed state.
"I usually like to toy with my prospectives awhile longer but in your case I am going to put you out of your misery…", he began coldly, "Or…at least unless I feel like it then sure…I'll mind fuck you some more…actually with you it's quite fun."
What ? Am I really hearing this ?
"Are you awake, Swan ?", he asked, peeking under me.
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I groaned a bit, my wrist hurting more.
"Great.", he sounded frustrated, "Now…the last two nights…you've had some interesting dreams, yes ?"
This was very similar to the Dr. Carlisle thing I just endured.
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I winced.
"Tell me about them.", he ordered.
Oh God !
"I can't !", I heard the words come out and right away I wanted to take them back.
"Didn't I tell you that those words were stricken from your vocabulary ?", his voice was a bit harder now.
"Yes Mr. Cullen I'm sorry.", I offered.
"What I'm trying desperately to impart to you is…", he said, "Those weren't dreams, Swan."
My heart almost stopped. And my legs quivered, a little wet bead beginning to form in my underwear.
"Did you hear me, Swan ?", his voice was impatient.
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I said timidly.
"You have nothing to say ?", he probed slightly, sounding amused.
"No Sir…", I said, "Mr. Cullen !"
Shit.
"Relax Swan.", he coached, "Breathe. Your heart rate is increasing. Slow it."
After a few moments he said, "There you go. Now relax, we're just talking. I'm a firm believer in communication."
He almost sounded nice there for a second. But I knew better.
"Have you enjoyed it ?", he asked.
I went down hard with a thud. He didn't try to catch me.
I got back up there as usual and took a very labored breath.
He waited.
"I am waiting for an answer to my question, Swan.", he reminded, irate.
"Oh.", I forgot since I just had a stroke, "Ummm….yes, Mr. Cullen."
"Yes Mr. Cullen what ?"
"I…", I closed my eyes and forced myself to say, "I enjoyed it, Mr. Cullen."
Duh. Who WOULDN'T ? Even the punishment was smoking hot. Hard but still hot. I really survived
that ?
"Hmm.", he just made a small sound that said maybe he wasn't sure if he did. Or maybe it was something else I don't know my mind is scrambled eggs right now.
"This is the situation, Swan.", he finally spoke again, "I may be losing my mind but I see potential in you. It's very dim but it's there."
"Thank you, Mr. Cullen.", I huffed. It was almost a compliment.
"Yes.", he continued confidently, "I have something of a private little group. A group of students that I give some very special tutoring to. Call it…a very special class. Every girl I've accepted into this group has gone on to do great things, things extraordinary for this school. I think you'd be a decent candidate for this group."
"Thank you Mr. Cullen.", I tried to hard not to fall.
"Now this only means that I would like some of your time, to observe you, to test you…see if you are the right fit. I could be completely wrong about you, it's happened before. Not often, but…"
I was trying to figure this out as he spoke. What are we talking about here ? Some study group or something ? My inner voice was saying 'you're so stupid. You KNOW what he's saying. He can't come out and say it in school now during the day!'
"Are you lost, Swan ?" his voice was there again, hard as brick.
"Ummm…", I tried to think of an answer, "Kind of…Mr. Cullen."
"Jesus Mary and Joseph….", he muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"The last two nights.", he spoke slowly, "Think about it."
"Yes.", I said.
"Now…", he kept going slowly, "I am asking if you would like me to…consider you…for further…evaluation…and possibly training - if accepted. Am I making myself clear ?"
Training. Oooh !
"Yes, I think so Mr. Cullen.", I said respectfully.
"I think so.", he repeated my words, "Maybe we can just say you've already failed."
Oh no !
"Mr. Cullen…", I dared to say it, "The last two nights…were real ?"
"Finally a light in the blackness.", he mumbled to himself, "Correct. I know it's a lot to process at the moment…but my question is – do you want me to be your…personal trainer ?"
I now KNEW that he was saying it without saying it directly. He's very smooth how he's doing it, too.
I didn't need to consider it for long.
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I agreed. As if wild horses could stop me.
"Quick response, Swan.", he noticed, "No time to think about it ? Because it will be very difficult for you. You would have to work very, very hard…to please me."
Those last two words now made it crystal clear. He IS talking about sex. FUCK ME !
"I will Mr. Cullen.", I felt my arms quaking.
"We'll see.", he sounded unimpressed.
"What is on the menu for tonight ?", he asked.
"Uhh", I didn't know, "I don't know…what they're serving, Mr. Cullen."
"Well we know what we're NOT having, don't we ?"
"Yes Mr. Cullen."
"I allow you mistakes, Swan.", he revealed, "But to make the same one over and over again will NOT be tolerated. Do we understand each other ?"
"Yes Mr. Cullen."
"I'm glad.", he said flatly, "At last."
"When I want you, I will find you.", he stated, "Be ready when I do. You are to keep yourself clean at all times. The rest we'll go over later."
God I'm so excited I could laugh. NO DON'T LAUGH. But then a little giggle did come out of me.
"What was that ?", he sounded displeased now.
"Nothing Mr. Cullen…"
"Perhaps this game is too adult for you, Swan.", he moved off the wall he leaned on, moving away from me.
"No Mr. Cullen WAIT !", I tried to look at him and my body landed half way turned on the floor.
"Can't you master that little task yet ?", he hissed above me.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen.", I looked up, getting to my knees in front of him. It was not to grovel on my knees, it's just the position I was in before I tried to get back on the wall.
"I didn't mean to laugh.", I informed as he squinted his eyes at me.
"I'm fucked-I mean…sometimes my reactions aren't the normal ones…I wasn't laughing at you…I was just…happy.", I admitted.
"Happy.", he repeated it firmly.
"For the first time in a long time…yea.", I said, "I mean, yes. Mr. Cullen. The last two nights…have been the best nights of my existence."
He looked like he was considering my answer. It seemed like forever.
"Please.", I just added, looking into his eyes, getting lost in them. Their ebony waters pulled me in…from the first moment I saw them. I just felt it in my bones that someday I would drown in them and be part of him forever. And I longed for that.
I got back on the wall and showed him I would do anything it took to be "considered".
"You're off to a terrible start, Swan.", his voice rained down over me, "Don't let it happen again."
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I felt so relieved. Mental note: men hate being laughed at.
"It's not all physical, Swan.", he said a moment later, "That's a point in your favor. It's also mental. But I will assess you completely. No door should be closed to me. If you want this. You must submit to me, in every way. Now I know you're a little hellcat but that's nothing I can't handle. In fact it's what I see in you that made me consider you."
"Thank you, Mr. Cullen.", I liked how he called me a little hellcat. How does he know ?
"But let me warn you.", he had a tone of 'not so fast' in his voice, "If I decide you are not right, that is the end of it. No explanation will be given to you. No begging, no crying and for God's sake, no yelling. You will act like a mature young lady and accept my decision. You will come to class and behave as you always did. Scratch that. You will behave better than you ever did. If this becomes too much for you then you'll be transferred to another gym class. Is all this understood ?"
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I felt crushed just thinking about that future, "I'm not…like those other girls. I won't give you any trouble."
"That's what they all say.", he informed.
"I hope you don't mind me putting my cards on the table like this.", he declared, "But I thought about it and figured you could handle this conversation. Was I correct ?"
I love how he talks it's so fucking sexy.
"Yes Mr. Cullen, thank you Sir.", I heard myself say. Is that alright ?
"Nice etiquette, Swan.", he complimented.
"I don't like swearing.", he informed, "I do it often but I don't like it in YOUR mouth. It's disrespectful."
"Yes Mr. Cullen.", I agreed. But fuck do I love to say fuck. It's my fucking favorite word.
"If you're accepted, " he went on, "The rest of the rules will be taught to you and they will be memorized. I'm a tough teacher in everything I do, Swan. This will be no different. In fact, it will be even MORE intense."
"I wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Cullen.", I liked that I had the guts to say it out loud.
"And the same applies to anything that happens between us", he said, "Confidential. If you speak to anyone else of anything that happens…it's not that I fear for myself but it's a betrayal of my trust in you. And in the end well…nothing will happen to ME but let's just say…you'll rue the day you were born."
It didn't sound like a threat, just a fact. But that last part chilled my blood. I love that expression.
"I already do, Mr. Cullen.", I said honestly, smirking a bit to myself.
He gave a breath that sounded like a small laugh of surprise.
"Alright Swan.", he said, "Come down. Let's take a look at your notes."
The rest of the detention was the normal business: him answering my questions, he teaching me how to snap the ball, how to dig…how to set. I almost felt myself relax and have a little fun with him and then he looked at the clock and announced, "Dinner, Swan. Dismissed."
I was going to ask him about this group and when I should meet him. Tomorrow is Saturday and I wasn't sure…
I guess he noticed my dilemma because he eyed me, saying, "I will call you when I need you, Miss Swan."
I felt so relieved. He called me Miss Swan again, not just Swan. I liked that a lot more.
"Alright, Mr. Cullen," I nodded and helped him gather the balls into the basket. He waved his hand at me as if I were a little child, saying, "Bye bye Swan. Eat good things."
END OF CHAPTER 8
Sorry my chapters were a bit long. I'll try to make them smaller now. Love u ! Thanks for reading !