**Yes, it will be explained from Edward's POV, the breakup with Bella. Don't worry !**
CHAPTER 32 – Six
Bella's POV:
"She's waking up.", a voice said about 100 years later.
"DOCTOR!", another voice shouted, "She's waking up !"
"Let me through.", a third voice said, "Miss Swan ? Can you hear me ?"
I couldn't make out any of the voices. They were fuzzy and strange.
I hadn't opened my eyes but I felt so tired and weak now…not like before. And my arm was killing me. My leg too.
And there was something in my mouth, some tubes…uukkk.
"Miss Swan ?" an older man was speaking to me, shining a little light in my right eye, "Can you hear me?"
I blinked and squinted against the light hurting my eyes…I heard someone next to me gasp in surprise…like a happy surprise. Was that my father ? It sounded more like…no it can't be him.
I couldn't speak very clearly but my voice said, "Master…?"
I felt a hand over mine and it squeezed gently…a cold hand.
"Nurse.", the older man's voice said, "Let's remove the feeding tube and see if she can speak."
A few minutes went by and two sets of hands were handling me and suddenly a thick tube was being pulled out of my throat and I gasped as it came out. Coughing, I almost gagged again.
The cold hand squeezed mine again as I laid there, too heavy to move much at all. It hurt so badly.
"Alright.", the older voice said again, "Miss Swan…can you speak ?"
I choked and decided to try it.
"Yes.", I heard myself say.
I heard a man's voice exhale loudly next to me, as if he was so relieved. Who is that ?
The older man's voice said, "We're going to run some tests just to make sure you're alright, Miss Swan. But you're very lucky, young lady. Good thing your teacher knew what he was doing when he found you. Just rest there a moment and we'll be right back."
"Thank you, Doctor.", a voice said beside me…a very familiar voice…I must be imagining it. I was afraid to open my eyes and look, for fear of being wrong or delusional.
When I finally did look…he was there…holding my hand. His eyes looked happy inside but underneath them were dark circles and his skin tone looked off, not its usual porcelain finish. His lips were dry and pale as he smiled at me.
I looked at him, wondering what he was doing. What was this ?
I just stared and didn't…couldn't smile.
He stood and bent over me a bit, about to say something pleasant…or it looked that way anyway…then he swallowed and looked into my face and shook his head a bit, and put his face down over our hands that were still holding each other…and it sounded like he WEPT ! No, not possible.
His fist was clutching at the bars on the side of my hospital bed and he took a jagged breath as he breathed, "Thank God you're alright."
All I could see was his hair at the top of his head…his face was laying on my hand. I wanted to stroke his hair and hold him but I could hardly move. Even if I could, I kept hearing his words.
Your blood is shit. If you were remotely interesting…you've become…suffocating… The scent of it is different. Frankly, it's beginning to repulse me.
I wanted to say a lot. But I didn't have much strength…also…my heart was dead. I really FELT like it was gone now, absent.
The doctors and nurses came back in and they were doing their tests on me. Mr. Cullen stayed there the whole time, holding my hand and stroking it with his other hand. When they were satisfied that I was alright, the nurse began talking to me.
"It's a miracle, Bella.", the nice lady was smiling down at me, "You were underwater for over two hours ! Your teacher found you, which was another miracle in this blizzard…and he got you to breathe again! He brought you here three days ago and you've been in a coma. But he never left your side. You have an angel watching over you."
Mr. Cullen made a face at her like she was nuts as she walked out of the room.
After they finally left us alone, I just looked at him, sadly, wishing he still felt something for me. He saved me and I was glad but…he still dumped me. That wouldn't change. He probably just feels bad that he almost caused me to be killed. Guilt.
I peeked at him and said, "Thank you…for…saving me."
It was a sentence with no life in it. He could go now.
"Bella….", his voice was filled with agony, his eyes and expression the same, "I'm …I'm so fucking sorry. I did this to you."
He looked like he wanted to cry again.
I frowned. What is he doing now ?
"You didn't do anything to me.", I refused, "I got lost and fell into a pond or something. It was my stupid fault. I should be able to walk home alone. You're right. I'm so weak and stupid."
His eyes looked down in shame.
"You're not weak and you're certainly not stupid.", he argued, "I'm a gigantic pile of shit, Bella."
I took a pained breath and said, "What ?"
"I didn't mean anything I said to you.", he informed with a sad face, "I thought if I pushed you away hard you'd hate me and forget about me. I was so cruel. Evil. I told you I was."
"What are you talking about ?", I was confused.
"You were asking about my past…", he looked solemn, "My life…my parents…I felt so ashamed and I couldn't tell you…the truth…because then you would look at me differently…and see that I'm not good enough for you. Not GOOD for you at all."
He's not good enough for me ? Okay.
"After seeing your whole life in Charlie's mind, watching you grow up," he said, "And what he did to you…I knew I couldn't keep hurting you anymore. I saw myself clearly for once. And I was afraid.", he shared, "You kept getting closer and closer to me…and I loved that. But at the same time, I was scared that you'd see me for what I am. I forced myself to distance from you…and the whole time it was like being burned alive. I ache for you, Bella. Every second of every day. I want you."
I felt tears in my eyes as he kissed my hand with all the passion he could.
"I've been sitting here for three days…", he said, his voice exhausted, "Praying to God, something I never thought I'd ever do…begging him to open your eyes so I can say what I want to say to you…"
I waited. My mouth had lost the power to form words.
"Can you hear me, Bella Swan ?", he gave a weak smile.
"Yes.", I answered, and smiled at his angel face, feeling drawn back in again…despite the fact that he had decimated me only days ago. Well, to ME, it felt like hours ago. Would I never learn ? I was a kid who'd just gotten burned and was again reaching for the stove.
I wanted to forgive him, believe him, but a part of me was frowning and crossing her arms. Does that make it okay, what he said to me ? Should I just forget it because he had a good excuse or a reason ? He was doing it for my own good…isn't that MY decision ? I'm half of this relationship, after all.
I was not prepared for what came next out of his mouth.
"I love you, Bella Swan.", he said with conviction, smiling at me and touching my hair, "I love you so much that it hurts me. And even if your blood KILLS me after five years of agony, I'll drink it. Because it's YOURS."
I cried, not believing this. It is a dream come true…maybe I am dreaming right now.
"But I thought my blood...the smell of it was making you sick.", I answered back with the voice of a mouse.
"That was a lie.", he admitted, his mouth tightening down into a frown, "Your blood has always smelled like heaven to me. It still does."
I felt myself frown a little now too. But I also felt a strong relief.
"I've been dead inside these last three days without you…", he frowned, recalling it, "I didn't want to love you, but I do. I fought it, I tried to deny it, but it's too late. I am deeply, savagely, excruciatingly in love with you. I remember when we first met, you told me you like to steal things…and you stole something from me, something I didn't even want or know I had…you have my heart, as fucked up as it is, you stole it like a genius…right from under my nose…and you made it work again…bitch."
He smiled at me, his eyes almost dancing. It was exactly the kind of love declaration only HE could give and pull it off.
I felt a tear falling down my cheek as I stroked his cheek with my fingers. It felt like a dream to be able to touch his face again. He leaned into my palm, closing his eyes, inhaling my scent with pleasure.
If this IS a dream…no one better wake me up, ever.
"I understand if you…can't forgive me…for what I said…", he now got very quiet, "It was horrible…and vicious. How could I do that to you after the way you saved me...the way you've…loved me ?"
He closed his eyes and looked as if he were really suffering. As if he knew it was too late.
"I'll go now.", he said somberly, about to stand up straight to leave.
"Yea, go.", I withdrew my hand from him, my eyes furiously watching his.
He looked shocked and he froze in place.
"You ARE a monster.", I realized aloud, facing him above me, "And I never want to see you again."
He really looked horrified by my words and my tone.
With a thick swallow, he looked down and said, "I understand. I'm sorry, Bella."
"And Cullen ?", I said loudly.
He stopped moving and waited, ready to take the lashes that I would inflict upon HIM now.
"Yes ?", he stared downward, not making eye contact with me.
"Sit your dumb ass down, right this second.", I demanded.
And I let myself give him a little smile. I couldn't hate him, as much as I SHOULD.
He smirked and then a laugh escaped his lips. And then he pounced on me, holding me in his arms and kissing me as I clutched onto him with my good arm, and my monitor started beeping wildly.
My heart was alive again…back in my chest…and thumping wildly. Completely healed.
I kissed him back so hard he had to stop me in fear that I'd fall back into my coma again.
Once I had a moment to think clearly, I was told that I dislocated my shoulder and broke a couple bones in my wrist. I had hypothermia, frostbite, and nearly drowned but the cold ice water seemed to preserve me until Mr. Cullen found me, pulled me out of the ice, and revived me.
He told me that he was so caught up in his lies to make me leave him, he completely didn't pay attention to the weather. Once I left, he trashed the room, raging…and then just laid there for a long time, hurting, waiting for it to go away. And, later, after he cleaned things up in the room we were in, he went to leave and saw a raging blizzard all around him. And my shoes and coat were still in the hallway.
He called to me and couldn't find me, couldn't read my thoughts. He tracked me, even though it was hard because the snow had covered my footprints, he tracked my scent, very faint in the cold and raging wind, and found a little hole in the ice. He dove into the frozen lake and finally found me. I looked blue and dead when he pulled me out but thanks to his medical knowledge, he worked on me for a long time, getting the water out of my lungs and giving me mouth to mouth until I was breathing again.
But I was not responsive so he brought me to the ER. I was in a coma for three days. And he spoke to me, he brushed my hair, he read to me, he spoke Spanish to me…he never left me, the nurse said. It was like a real version of Sleeping Beauty. The longer I slept, the longer he thought I might never wake up and come back to him. I could've died, suffered amnesia, brain injuries, or worse, been in a coma for 20 years. Again, just my luck.
I could've woken up 20 years later and he'd still look like he does now, waiting for me, while I was 37 years old. I shuddered just imagining it. Thank Hectate I was only out for three days.
Master said he would've waited if it took 200 years for me to wake up. He kept apologizing to me over and over again. I was so happy I forgot all the things he'd said to me that morning. Well, not really. They would always be with me, in the back of my mind, but I understood it, what he was trying to do. Stupid, but…what did HE know about how to handle a girlfriend ?
I just wanted to be alone with him and love him. If all of this had led us to this place, then I was glad to have lived through it. We WOULD be having a very long talk about this, though. Whether he liked it or not.
A couple days later, he was putting red roses in a vase next to my bed and he sat down, about to tell me the story of his life and death. He said he wanted me to know now. He trusted me and would not hide from me anymore.
"I was born to Elizabeth Juliet Mason.", he began after a deep breath, "Before me she had five babies. Each one of them died under strange circumstances. They stopped breathing or they had complications…I was the sixth.
My birth mother was troubled, mentally. Today she would be diagnosed as having Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. This is a mental disease where a mother or caregiver seeks attention by making her child sick or hurt, even dead.
My mother got attention and sympathy after each of her babies died one by one. She wasn't married but had boyfriends who got her pregnant. I don't even know who my father was. It was always her and I…and she was so disturbed by the time I came along that she didn't even name me. She called me…Six. That was my name."
He looked very ashamed of this as I watched him in utter sadness, picturing him with this crazed woman. Now him calling me 317 made some sense. His number naming kept slaves at bay so he wouldn't get very attached to them.
He took a breath and went on.
"We never lived one place for very long.", he informed, "We were always moving, trying to survive, trying to find new suitors for my mother so we wouldn't starve. Several times she nearly did kill me but somehow it never happened. I was lucky to have lived past my second birthday because none of my siblings made it that far. But in any case, I wasn't killed. But I was hurt. I was not loved. Well, not really. Sometimes she acted like she loved me but it would always be followed by a beating or something worse."
He looked at me and continued. He did not elaborate on what the "something worse" was. I felt like I knew but would not force him to explain that right now.
"When I was about four, my mother started to become a prostitute. Her looks were fading and it was hard to catch men with a little kid around all the time. Sometimes she left me for days, to go off and hunt for a new man. Anyway, my mother was beaten and raped by most of the johns because she had no pimp to protect her. So, she started looking for brothels…whorehouses…to live in, work in. It was safer for women that way then.
She was hired at this one place, Edward's Saloon. The man who owned the place was nice, older, like a father type. He really loved his girls and took care of them. He hired my mother and let her live there with me.
He shook my hand like I was a man, saying, "Glad to know you, Six. It'll be nice to have another man around here. Welcome home."
Life there for me was amazing. My mother still didn't pay much attention to me but the other women who lived there did. They liked me…and soon came to love me. It was rare for them having a little boy around, a child.
They took care of me and made sure I always had everything I needed. There was always something good to eat, hot meals, clean clothes to wear, someone to talk to, to read to me at night, to teach me things.
During the day, they transformed the kitchen into a little classroom for me. They taught me to read and write, and numbers. I think those memories are part of the reason why I believe an education is so important. Why I want YOU to learn all YOU can.
Edward taught me things, too. How to use a hammer, how to fix things, how to hunt…how to be a man. He lost his son and wife in childbirth long before and he saw in me that boy he lost. He wanted to teach me everything he knew…not just manly chores but life lessons too. I liked him very much. I never had a father before. He was mine.
Anyway, it was the first real love and home I ever knew. I liked it and got used to it. It's like I had five mothers all the time. My birth mother had almost forgotten about me completely but then from time to time she would remember and hurt me again.
Esme. One of the women there who had been there the longest…she was the most beautiful woman there and every man who met her fell in love with her. And so did I, a four year old boy. She had seen what my mother did to me and this one day was the final straw for her. My mother was drowning me in a river outside when Esme found us and…stopped her.
She killed my mother that day with a knife. She saved me. From that day on, I was her son. The women cleaned up the mess and buried the body and no one ever found out about it. Esme told Edward that my mother left me behind. He believed her. I was allowed to stay there, as Esme's child.
When I was about ten years old, a man named James came to the brothel and wanted to buy it from Edward. He nicely said no. A few days later, Edward was found dead, hanging in the barn, with a letter leaving the whole house and all the girls in it to James.
James was a cruel master of the house. He beat the girls all the time and had his way with them. He hardly shared any of the money with the girls. He really didn't like me but I was pretty much in the background, not a threat to him. He just didn't even notice me. He had me do errands for him sometimes. He was into drugs and alcohol, never making sense, always violent. I remembered that and stayed out of his way for the most part.
I hated what he did to the girls but they told me not to even think of getting involved. James would kill me and they forbid me to be near him much.
After that, I grew up in the Saloon, and over the years, as girls came and went…and I got older…I learned about sex and women from every one of them, except Esme. They all liked me and besides Esme, they all liked sleeping with me and teaching me things. I worked in the house, doing anything I could to help out…washing dishes, bartending, cleaning, playing piano, tending to the horses or animals on the farm, whatever. "
He swallowed and his face looked uneasy as he went on.
"When I was sixteen, I heard James upstairs screaming at Esme. I ran up there and he was raping her, choking her. I had had enough. "
He cleared his throat and took a breath.
"I grabbed James off her and he pulled out a knife, trying to kill me with it. We fought and he slashed me a couple times across the hands…he was strangling me when Esme helped me and broke a vase over his head. That distracted him long enough for me to get the knife and beat the crap out of him. I did stab him…once…I was a kid who had never hurt anyone before. I was disgusted with myself and horrified. James took off on his horse, wounded but alive.
The girls nursed my wounds and then told me that I was the new owner of the house and their new protector. They told me they couldn't call me Six anymore because I was a man now and I needed a man's name.
They named me Edward, after the man who was always so good to us. And the Cullen…was off a bottle of Scotch I was pouring one night. I didn't want to be called Masen. I wanted to be someone new. Someone else. So, Edward Cullen was born.
I ran the house like Esme taught me to. The girls helped and it really was like a family we had there for awhile. It was OUR place, not just mine. We were all happy. Life was good again.
Then, when I was 17, James came back to the saloon.
And when he walked up to the house, I was ready for him. I had my rifle and I stood in front of the saloon, telling him to fuck off. And I was staring at a pair of bright red eyes.
I shot at James several times when he kept coming towards me, and the bullets did nothing to hurt him. He beat the shit out of me and tied me up. Then he dragged me into the house and made me watch as he lined the girls up…and cut their throats one by one. I begged him for their lives and told him to just kill ME. But he enjoyed his sick revenge. Last, he had Esme. I gathered all my strength and tried to fight him but it was pointless. Esme was begging for my life as I begged for hers.
He cut her throat before she could even finish her sentence and I watched her blood gush out of her neck as she stared at me on the floor, her eyes dimming.
I wanted to die right then. And that's good because that was James' plan next. He dragged me outside as he doused the whole house in gasoline….and then he lit it on fire. He made me watch it all consume as I laid there, sobbing and crying like a kid. I couldn't protect them. I couldn't save them. I failed them in the worst fucking way.
After that, I didn't even fight James as he stabbed me to death. It was slow, not quick. He let me bleed and slowly go limp as he taunted me. But a few seconds before I felt death take me, he bit me and drained my blood, what was left of it. Then he forced me to drink from him.
He turned me into a vampire that night, knowing it would be the eternal revenge. Then he left me, alone, letting me crawl off after the insane need for blood, not caring where or who I got it from. I remember a family…but I have no memory of their faces or voices…only how it felt to drink. It was everything. Almost more than my love for the girls, for Esme…for myself. It's all I ever lived for those first few years. I would feed then lay in the forest…then feed…then lay in the forest. I wasn't even a CREATURE I was a THING. "
He looked at me suddenly, as if he almost forgot I was there, looking at him. A jagged swallow later, he said, "So there's my pretty little story. I come from shit, Bella. I am…shit. Even before I became a vampire, I was shit. I'm a person your father would lock up and toss away the key on. And he'd be right."
"You're not—", I began but he cut me off.
"I know that me saying I love you seems like the big moment…and all we have to do now is choose our wedding china…", he said a little bitterly, "But Bella…it's not the same as a human saying I love you. This makes our relationship so much more difficult…almost impossible now."
"How ?", I frowned a bit, not liking where this was going.
He took a deep breath.
"Where do I begin ?", he muttered, then was a bit clearer, "Okay. Well firstly, I haven't loved anyone or anything in over 250 years. So, as you already know, I suck at it. I don't know how. And even more excitingly, I don't WANT to love anyone. I do love you but I'm really not pleased about it. The last time I loved people, I got them all killed. They bled to death screaming my name, wanting my help…and I couldn't do a thing for them. And Esme."
He took another breath, clearly distressed about her in particular.
"She died trying to save me.", he informed, "She told James to kill her and let me go. But he took us both…he took us all. I told myself then, no more love. Love is a curse. I shut it off inside me, blaming it for their deaths…for my death. Love destroyed me once…and now it's back again. I'd almost rather see James. "
I shook my head, imagining how horrible that must've been…it was still affecting him 265 years later. Of course it was.
"Then here's another fun fact about me –" he sounded a little demented as he spoke, "I am INSANE. It's in my blood, another gift from Mom. I equate pain with love and sex and blood. And every time I hurt a female, you included, I get a sick sensual high inside because my pork chop of a mind things that my birth mother can feel it somewhere."
"THEN", he went on before I could say a word, "There's the problem of your blood. And as I open every door searching for the reason it almost kills me, I have to research every enemy I've ever had. And James is the top suspect in the list. And if he's back…if any of them are here…or coming…YOU are in a FUCK ton of DANGER. And even if I COULD taste your blood and it wouldn't hurt me…I could still lose control and kill you in my zeal…"
"Alright, alright !", I stopped him and he quieted. His face looked sad, as if I would really end things now between us.
"I'm not perfect, Bella.", he said with a deep voice, "I'm so fucking far from perfect, it's a joke. A sick joke."
"Now I get why you twilighted me.", I began, taking a deep breath, "And brutal, by the way…brutal. But great."
He squinted.
"What are you talking about ?", he asked, unsure.
"You twilighted me.", I shrugged, "You know…pushing me away, acting like you hated me to protect me…it's from Twilight…the book. The vampire there did the same thing, to give the girl a clean break. Only not half as EVIL as you did it."
He looked confused and stunned as I kept talking.
"But if you're admitting now that you love me…", I said, still not believing that, "Then you have to accept that I am half of this relationship. You can't decide things for both of us. I need to be heard too."
He looked dryly at me.
"Are you the girl who once asked me when April Fool's Day is ?", he reminded.
"First, that was a joke.", I raised a brow, "And second, are you saying I shouldn't get a say ?"
He put a hand on his chest and said, in a low voice under his breath…."Oh wait…let me check…Master…slave…"
At the word slave he touched my chest, right where the heart was and I felt instantly warm in his touch.
"I know but…", I began to argue.
"Bella….", he took my hands into his cold ones, "I know. I know. But some things have to be made clear. First, I still have to feed."
"I know.", I said, shrugging, "I'm fine with that. I didn't think you would just start eating HAMBURGERS now."
"Alright.", he said, looking relieved, "Second…we are still Master and slave. You're still my 317. I mean, if you still want that."
I smiled.
"I would never change that.", I leaned in, giving him a small kiss on his lush dark, pink lips.
"And third…", he looked down, "I do love you but I don't know how to love you. Obviously, from what I did to you. I've never HAD a relationship. Can we please go slow? I don't want to ruin this. Again. And I don't want to hurt you ever again. I'd rather tear my own flesh off than to do that to you one more time."
I was fine with that. Going slow, me teaching him how a healthy relationship works…it sounded great.
"Of course.", I squeezed his hands, "I would wait forever for you. And I can teach you for a change. If that's alright."
He grinned, "You're going to teach me ? Okay. I hope it's not going to be as challenging for you as teaching you basketball has been for me."
I smirked too, imagining his face as he laid it on the wall that day, pretending he was crying when I shot the ball into the other team's basket. Or maybe he wasn't pretending.
"I'm patient.", I stated. A lot more patient than YOU are , Mr. Cullen, I wanted to add.
"And if any danger does come," he added seriously, "You must do whatever I tell you to do. Even if it means that you leave me. Promise."
I knew he was deadly serious about this and I nodded, "I promise."
He seemed relieved at that but still troubled, like a sad angel. I hated that he carried this huge pain inside him. I wished that somehow, even in a small way, I could bring him some happiness, some peace…some freedom from it.
"If James ever got his hands on you…", he began to look haunted, as if he were watching it happen right now, "I would lose my mind…but don't worry…I won't LET him…or anyone ever hurt you…I swear."
He told me he hadn't seen James since that day he died, 265 years later. It was most likely something or someone else who tampered with my blood.
This is the first time I pondered that an actual vampire could be behind my blood issue. But wouldn't I be aware of it if there was ? Maybe not.
Later I realized something else.
"Hey", I said to him, on a lighter note, "You were 17 when you died !"
"I was ?", he asked in a dull tone.
"Yea, so we're the same age !", I marveled.
He scoffed.
"I'm 265.", he pointed out, "You're a fetus. We are not the same age."
"No, I know, but it's strange.", I said, looking over him, "You don't LOOK seventeen. You look older, like in your twenties."
"I know.", he answered, not amused, "I've seen a lot more than most 17 year olds. It was a different worId then, I matured early. Plus, in the role of teacher, people just assume you're older by the way you carry yourself. People believe what they're told for the most part. I guess this is why I'm here, at an all girls' school. I guess it reminds me of my human life…and that's both comforting and eerie."
I sat up a bit in my hospital bed and said to him, "I'm so sorry all that happened to you…Edward.", I almost whispered his name, never using it before.
"317.", he gave me a warning look. He had told me not to call him Edward. I guess now I understand why. It felt good to know him more, to not be in the dark, all the walls down…finally.
"Can I call you Six ?", I asked.
He tensed and his mouth froze.
"Absolutely NOT.", he shot back, fully frowning at me.
He calls ME 317 ! Unfair.
"I was just kidding.", I grinned.
"Funny.", he said sarcastically.
"Well you call me 317 !", I argued…letting my thought be spoken…and just like that…we were us again…arguing…
"It's not the same thing, SWAN.", he emphasized my last name.
"Yea, CULLEN, you're right, the other five in YOUR case were your brothers and sisters…the other 316 are your female slaves !", I shot back.
The nursing staff began to come in and break us up as my monitors beeped, out of control.
Edward's POV:
This girl is mentally disturbed, no doubt about it. She asks if she can call me Six…is she insane ?
265 years later, it still hurts me to even hear the word spoken. If another teacher says, let's meet at six…I feel sick inside. In fact, the first time I whipped Bella, she told me her pain was at six. I froze for a second even then.
I don't even have a slave numbered six there's five then seven…there will never be another Six.
It felt both good and terrifying to tell Miss Swan about my past…but it had to be done. If she is going to be a permanent part of my world, then she must know me for all the darkness I hold within me.
But she didn't seem to mind it at all, except to feel sorry for me. She still looks at me like I'm something special. Even when I tell her how low in the gutter I lived.
Okay. I love her. I never thought this would happen but it has. I can't deny it or run from it anymore. Even the demon in me didn't care for life when we were trying to stay away and distant from her. I even had another slave above her on another floor while she was down there in earshot. I really am the worst creature that ever lived.
And even now, she congratulates me on how brutal I was to her when I finally tried to speak the words that drove her away. She likens it to a Twilight book, if you can imagine. I was and AM ready to earn her trust back, will work hard to get it back…but she already trusts me again, she gives me her love too easily. She doesn't make me earn her. Even when I want to.
And she has already forgotten that it was me who drove her out into a fucking blizzard with no coat, with no boots or gloves. While I selfishly laid there, feeling sorry for myself, she was out there, freezing, struggling, breaking bones and drowning…needing me…and I wasn't there.
When I looked outside and saw the raging black sky it seemed like something out of a horror movie. As if I myself had turned into wind and snow…tearing her apart with every step she took. I screamed her name again and again…I could not smell her…I could not hear her…I could not see her. And that filled me with despair and terror. I had not felt anything like this since James killed my girls and Esme.
I almost felt the ice cold as I ran, searching for her, unsure of which way she might go…I FELT like ice inside…and for the first time in over 250 years, I was afraid. I was lost.
Even as I screamed "BELLA ! BELLA !", I could hear the fright in my voice. I felt like no one else could hear me as the snow hissed around me, silencing my cries. It's like nature wanted me to lose her. And it was right.
Finally, I thought I caught a hint of her scent and then there was the desolate discovery of the cracked ice…the slushy black hole that was just about her size, already icing over a bit, as if her fate had already been sealed. No human would've seen it.
"NO!", I roared, diving in there, smashing all the surrounding ice around her entrance into the deep lake.
It took me a moment to find her…another moment or two to free her legs from the sharp branches below…they didn't want to part with her. I might've even hurt her shoulder when I pulled her from the murk a little too aggressively. It was dislocated.
But at least she was out of the water now, I thought as I laid her on the snow, off the ice.
And then I took a look at her face. She was fucking BLUE ! Face swollen…almost a bit distorted already.
She's dead. No heartbeat. No pulse.
I refused to accept that and I started working on her, ready to take on fucking Death itself if I had to. It took me at 17. It would NOT get her.
"Come on, Bella.", I kept saying as I pumped my hands on her heart, then breathing into her mouth. At one point, I had to place my fist over her heart and strike, not too hard…just enough to get the little muscle to move again. Finally, it did give a small kick in response to my hand…it was life…but not much.
"Don't you fucking leave me, Bella. Don't you DARE.", I ordered her as I carried her, running to the hospital in town.
And yes, I did think about draining her blood right there, even if it would cripple me I would drink it, and let her feed off me until she opened her eyes and spoke to me again, even if she hated me, she'd be here and not among the dead ghosts I loved.
I had never turned a human into a vampire before…and I would not. But I found myself ready to do it in two seconds if I had to. To steal her from death's palm…and trap her in this Hell that I'm wrapped in…just so I wouldn't have to be here alone anymore. To have to live on my own without her…I was too scared to even think about that.
Then there was the hospital. I had to stay close by and listen, in case she was going, if she flatlined I would have to jump in and bite her, witnesses be damned. But she lived…she was in a coma.
So I waited. And waited.
I kept talking to her, really believing that she could hear me, so many cases about coma victims say that the patient could hear the people around them. So I talked. And talked. It was weird not being interrupted every three seconds. It was terrible.
I spoke Spanish to her, remembering happier times. I talked gym class to her, even reading some of that horrid Volleyball book to her again. I hoped she'd get up just to stop me and give me that look of hers.
What a brat. My brat. God, let her wake up. Please. Let her have her fucking life, she's only a baby. Why do you do this ? What kind of sick FUCK are you ?! You fucked me and that's fine, I'm a big boy I can handle it. But this sweet little girl…she never hurt you…she never hurt anyone.
Okay, she killed someone. But it wasn't deliberate. You broke her heart. You took her mother away. Why couldn't you take my mother away ? Oh okay you did eventually…then you gave me Esme and I thought for a fucking second…that maybe you weren't so evil after all. Then James happened. What kind of sick pleasure do you get from torturing us ? You give hope and then the worst nightmare comes right after it. It's the blackest kind of game you play with us.
What kind of sick pleasure I get torturing little girls just like Bella…okay I know.
Just…don't….okay ? Not this one. Not this time. I won't let you. I'll bite her, I swear to YOU I will.
I don't care if you made her blood lethal to me, I'll still do it. Don't doubt it.
"You have to wake up, 317.", I told her minutes later as I brushed her hair gently, that gorgeous color Alice had once made it. I loved it so much I paid for her to get it done every month, professionally.
"You still don't know shit about basketball. Never made one single basket yet.", I informed, my heart aching as the breathing machine whizzed, making her lungs work, a thick tube in her mouth to feed her.
"You don't know shit about anything.", I grinned to myself, wanting her fury, wanting her to wake up and tell me to go fuck myself. But she didn't.
"Come on, Bella…please….", I almost wept, "I know I deserve this but it's killing me…please wake up and be mad at me."
And I waited some more.
I remember once telling Bella that her taste in books was crap. And then I was sitting there, reading it to her, Interview with a Vampire. Then after that, I began reading poetry.
I once told her it was a little girl's fantasy that vampires would be writing love poetry to a human. And here I am reading it to her now. I found that funny. Fate is definitely kicking my ass.
My inner demon almost vomited but I didn't give a fuck what he had to say right now. He fucked up and did this to us…to her. He knew I would not be listening to his bullshit right now. And I think he was also waiting for her to awaken, in his own selfish way.
I tried everything I could think of to get her to come back to me. And then I realized why. I love her. Oh fuck. No. Not again.
It took a moment for that to sink in. Even the beast inside me didn't deny it. The way I was suffering, wanting her, needing her…this wasn't about her blood because I can't have it right now. I NEED her…I want her. I love her.
Fuck. I'll be damned. Well, more than I was a moment ago.
I didn't fight it or push it away. I already knew that treating her with coldness was causing me physical pain. When she smiled at me and I didn't return it, and saw how it wounded her…it made my intestines bleed. Being cruel to her during play was even worse. I felt like I was betraying something sacred, something I vowed to her.
I wanted to laugh and play with her, hold her and kiss her while Tank tried to block me. I felt like that was a million worlds away and I felt incomplete without it. I didn't even want to feed if I didn't have Bella somewhere in my day. Even blood wasn't more important than her anymore.
Once I accepted that, and mourned over it because this did make us even more impossible. If I just liked her a lot, and played with her, and drank her blood and it didn't hurt me…I could do that relationship forever. I had done it for decades. It was easy for me now. But this…I was totally out of my element here. I was like Bella in gym class. In over my head with no idea what the rules are. And she wanted to be my teacher now…funny.
I knew she'd be a better and kinder teacher to me than I've been for her. That's who she is. And I'm who I am. We are complete opposites in every way…young…ancient, alive – dead, innocent – evil, bird – shark. How are we a match ? How will this ever work ?
I knew that eventually I might get to a place where I would turn her…someday. I refused to consider that now…I couldn't be that selfish. Maybe later in her life, after she's lived…maybe I can do it then, if she wants that. But her blood…how can I ?
Finally, at 3:21 am, when no one was in the room but us…I whispered to her.
"Bella…", I watched her dormant face, now looking more white than blue, a small cut under her cheek, "I have something really important to tell you. But you have to wake up to hear it, okay ? It's a good thing…I think. So open your eyes, beautiful girl."
"Master is ordering you.", I said a bit more domineering, "So do it. Now, 317. Look at me.
Please."
Ten minutes later, her eyes opened.
I hadn't felt such a wondrous feeling of relief since my mother let me go while I was drowning in the river…and thick lines of red poured down into the waters all around me…I watched them, hypnotized…and then Esme yanked me out of the dark river into the shining sun. It wasn't lost on me that, that's exactly how I had found Bella.
Decades flew by in my existence and I hardly noticed…but these 3 last days crawled by like Hell. I felt like I was changed now. Different.
I thought I'd cry when she whispered, "Master". Only I heard it.
So when she was awake and the danger was behind us, yes, I confessed my love to her, and was glad to do it. For a second I wasn't afraid of the consequences…until a day later when I told her my whole story…and realized it could all happen to me again…only now it would be Bella who paid. I couldn't even imagine that…and I tried to push her away all over again. I almost got evil with her a second time but I couldn't go there again. I was far too weak to.
I didn't even care when I noticed my face in a mirror later on that day. I hadn't fed for three days. I looked like shit. But I couldn't leave her. Not even for a second. It would be just like her to die the second my back was turned.
I pretty much told her that she was stuck with me now. I love her so she's even more trapped in my sticky little web. I would not try to force her away again. It would be better for her but not for me. And my selfishness was still cement strong and always would be. I had to have her. I would have her. But I would have to make sure this time she was protected. I began to make plans to ensure her safety. The school is a good cover but not good enough.
"Well", I told her the day she came back to school with her arm in a cast…"One good thing came out of all this."
"What ?", she asked.
"I get a break from you in gym class.", I smirked, and her face fell. She had not realized that yet.
"Oh nooo", she whined like a little girl.
"I can't do archery !", she now started to catch on, "And my TRAINING ! And my detentions !"
"You realize I've had you in my detention since the first day of school.", I pointed out, "Didn't you ever wonder how long the detention was supposed to last ? It's been almost three months now !"
She laughed and so did I. It was great to hear that sound again. I would never take it for granted ever.
"Maybe I'll figure out something you could do instead.", I promised.
That made her feel a little better.
It would only be a few weeks but I would make it bearable for her until she was alright again. It was the least I could do.
Two days later, she was climbing the walls.
"We can still do some training, can't we ?", she asked me impatiently.
"No we cannot.", I told her for the five hundredth time.
"But why ?", she almost whined, "It's only my wrist and shoulder that got hurt."
I rolled my eyes and continued to play my piano.
"I hit you with a whip, you flinch, you pull,", I repeated like a dull robot, "You pull your arm, your wrist, you go back to the hospital and you take longer to recover. Case closed. You will do as I told you to do and focus on brain work. That shouldn't harm you…much."
"RRRRR", she gave a little roar and I nearly laughed at the sound of her "rage".
Charlie never came or called since the school informed him of Bella's 'accident.' Good. She never said anything about it but I know it bothers her. She'll be alright. She has me now.
I, too, couldn't wait to play with her again. But I knew better than to do it while she was injured. Thank God my music is something I can vent my aggressions on.
Since Miss Swan couldn't attend my detentions, I had her come help me with things in the music school. She loved watching me teach music and I felt good having her see me in my element there. I didn't push the girls around in my music classes, there was no need. I was lighter there, because music is the one thing that's made me happy in all my years as a vampire. That love was heightened and magnified once I turned and learning every instrument on my own was easy for me then.
She especially liked watching me do vocal lessons. She had never really heard me sing alone before, and at first, the lessons were only about making sounds, not words yet…but with my advanced students it was about singing. I had to warn her a few times not to look at me the way she does in front of the other girls. I could feel the love and heat coming off her in waves as she watched me sing in class.
One day she asked me, "These girls aren't afraid of you. You're nicer to them. Why ?"
"I don't have to be mean to them to get them to perform.", I replied, honestly, "They want to play and sing."
"But aren't some of them your…girls ?", she asked.
"No.", I replied, "None of them."
She looked surprised.
"Really ?", she asked, "But they're so pretty and they play and sing so beautifully…"
I guess I never considered it before but she was right.
"I don't…want to scare them.", I told her, "It would affect the music and I don't want to do that."
"Oh.", she realized, "So you have a rule, like, you don't touch the music students ?"
I felt my brow crease.
"I don't know if it's a rule.", I thought aloud, "I don't really give myself rules…I do as I please…but…I guess I never really found any of the music students…strong enough, physically, to belong to me."
"But I do.", she reminded.
"I told you, you were special.", I reminded, "Your blood…"
"Yea.", she nodded, "I get it. That's just interesting."
Oh, but I could still be strict in class. And I was still a tough teacher. If a student was unprepared or fucking things up in my chorus, they would be treated even worse than my gym class students. Bella got a peek at that now and then.
One student, Hannah Frank, went out of her way to fuck with me. Her parents wanted her to be a singer and pianist but she didn't want that. So she would purposely fuck with me to get kicked out of class. I would not give her that pleasure. She would stay and obey me or pay the price. I felt like Bella got some delight out of watching me teach her. She often stifled a laugh while we were facing off against each other but one look from me shut her right up.
This was going to be a long 6 weeks. But the longer I waited, the more ideas I conjured up about what I'd be doing to Miss Swan when she was healed. She better get her rest now.
One thing didn't change since she was hurt. Her questions. Now that I was not hiding anything from her anymore, there were five million of them.
"What nationality are you ?", she would ask.
"Irish.", I said, "At least on my mother's side…I don't know about my father."
"So…you had an Irish accent ?", she asked.
"Yes.", I replied, "I lived in Ireland, so, yes."
"Why don't you have an accent now ?", she wondered.
"I'm 265 years old and I haven't lived in Ireland for 260 years. The accent went away.", I guessed.
"What part of Ireland did you live in ?"
"Modre.", I replied, "It's not called that anymore. Now it's called Kilkenny, but that's where I was."
He showed me the area on a map of Ireland in my phone.
"Oooh, that sounds like the word death.", she seemed to like this.
"It was.", I answered, "I died there."
It was fun to tease her but it made me feel good that she wanted my whole story, and didn't turn away the closer she got to it. She thought it was a very tragic and beautiful story and I was guessing she was writing it somewhere. I didn't mind, as long as she changed my name in it. Even if it were found, it would just be looked at as a creative hobby, nothing more.
She asked me to do the accent I used to have.
"No.", I said flatly, secretly enjoying her little pout at my refusal. I can't wait to spank her again.
"You're so mean.", she slashed back. That always made me laugh.
Christmas went by quietly. I did spend it with her but there was no gift exchange, no tree, no fucking Santa Claus. We laid in bed together, naked, enjoying each other as much as we could. It was all I wanted for Christmas.
We talked a lot more now, since we couldn't do much else until she was healed. I liked talking to her, even though she constantly imagined I was bored and wanted to go play with other girls. Her self esteem was still pitifully low and I would try to remedy that. It wasn't me to compliment her all over the place and I didn't want to make her head super big either…but I got the occasional things in that made her smile. She told me that with me she knew it was true if I complimented her because I didn't hand out false praise. She seemed to understand my personality and liked it. She never asked me to change anything.
After four days of her being injured, I was done with my abstinence. True, I couldn't whip her but I could do other things. I could still lick her, tease her, fuck her, and make her come as many times as I wanted.
At the moment, I have her in training with an ass plug. She was to wear this overnight in her ass to stretch the tight little hole a bit. Starting off with a small one…gradually moving to one a bit wider and bigger…she said she wanted to try this. I didn't mind. I loved the sound she made when that first plug went in and took hold inside her. Pain, discomfort, shock but also arousal, submissiveness, and pride that she was able to take it.
The one I have inside her now has the ability to vibrate whenever I hit the remote. Some days as she was in class I would turn it on. It didn't make a sound…but it was wondrous to watch her squirm while she was sitting on a wooden chair in Spanish class or History…I would watch her from the minds of others around her and would almost laugh out loud in my gym class.
Tank had been especially cranky towards me since Miss Swan was hurt and it was like he knew the whole story. He would always show his teeth or growl at me when I first came around. But then I'd growl back a little and he would scamper off somewhere. Little mongrel.
But, at last, finally, the cast had come off and she was fine once more. What a great night that was !
The angels wept as I did things to her that can only be described as illegal and immoral. But fuck did we have a great time! She even cried a little, saying she missed it so much, playing with me. She was glad that it was just as amazing as it ever was. So was I.
END OF CHAPTER 32