Chapter 4: Out of Anger
Breakfast had never looked less appealing, but she knew she had to eat. Poking the scrambled eggs with her fork, she could feel her stomach turn. She hated exam days, she hated finals weeks and she especially hated her OWLs. She wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep for a hundred hours.
"Come on, Lily, you need to eat." Mary slumped down on the bench beside her and gently nudged her in the side. "Why are you so nervous? You'll do fine."
She sighed and angrily speared a bit of egg on her fork. "I hate Defence against the Dark Arts. It's such a mess, and that we have someone new teaching it every year doesn't help. I would rather take a hundred Potions exams than one Defence one."
Mary chuckled. "That's such a very you thing to say. I'll never take a Potions exam again." She chugged a mug of pumpkin juice and set it down forcefully. "Wouldn't do it even if you paid me."
"Ah, come on, I'm sure you passed."
"Even if I did. I'm dropping that, I'm done grinding beetles into Sleeping Draughts or whatever. Plus, I'll have more time for Quidditch training. Now can you give me some egg?"
When Lily reached for the large bowl of scrambled eggs, her eyes met those of the new girl, sitting a bit further down the bench by herself. She immediately looked away, and Lily felt annoyed all over again.
She'd been keeping to herself. Early in the morning, she got up while the other girls still slept, snuck down for breakfast and then went to either the library or the banks of the Great Lake until one of her exams started, stayed at the back of the Hall during it, then came to lunch as late as possible, took her practical exam and hid in another abandoned corner of the castle to study while everyone else milled around outside, went to dinner at the last minute, hid again and finally returned to the dormitory to go straight to bed. Today Hermione had overslept, that was the only reason she was at the table at the same time as everyone else, her Defence against the Dark Arts book propped against a giant bowl of porridge.
She'd run into Remus Lupin on her way back to bed late one night. He'd been the last person in the Common Room, poring over a pile of notes and books, looking awfully wan and sleep deprived. He had less wrinkles and his mousy brown hair was devoid of grey streaks, but apart from that, he looked like he had always done. She had been tempted to just turn around and run away, but instead had simply nodded and smiled at him and walked briskly through the Common Room and to her bed. Only then had she allowed herself to start sobbing, a hand clamped tightly over her mouth in the hopes the other girls wouldn't notice, especially Lily.
There was magic she did not understand yet and so she had chosen to believe that she would be able to return to her own life and time. Dumbledore and McGonagall were extremely capable, and even if it went over their heads, they would find someone within the Department of Mysteries that could help. And this was Hogwarts, after all. If there wasn't something within the Department, it would be in the school's library.
She had chosen to believe this because everything else was too painful. She needed to believe that this was just a temporary thing, a setback, a weird story she would be able to tell Harry and Ron in a couple weeks, months at the most. Still, the five days she had been there had been hard for her.
Of course Hermione had been tempted to become friends with Lily at the very least. She knew she needed to keep her distance from Remus, Sirius and Peter especially, blend into the crowd and hope they wouldn't remember her twelve years from now, but with Lily it was different. It felt deeply cruel to think that, of course. And she wasn't sure if she could keep her mouth shut about the future if she and Lily actually became friends. At the same time, she would be so delighted to tell Harry stories about his mother once she got back.
She frowned as she handed the bowl of eggs to Mary. "I really wanna know whatever is going on with that girl," Lily grumbled. "She keeps sneaking back into our room in the middle of the night and crying herself to sleep, did you notice?" Her friend shook her her head. "Her bed's right beside mine. I've heard her." She looked back over at the new girl. "I mean, I get it. If my parents had died three months ago and I'd had to move… but she just seems so closed off. I really want to help her, but she seems so hostile and I don't get it."
Mary sighed. "Y'know what? Let's just… not think about her for a bit. Let's finish breakfast and then get to the library, do some last minute cramming. We still have about an hour." Lily nodded and both girls wolfed down their breakfast quickly. When they got up, the new girl – Hermione was her name, Lily reminded herself – was gone. Walking past the four fifth-year Gryffindor boys, she smiled at Remus quickly but glared daggers at Potter when he tried to catch her eye.
He sighed into his porridge as Evans stomped past him, Mary shrugging apologetically. The anger that almost radiated off her whenever Evans looked at him made him feel like he was the Giant Squid rather than James Potter, heartthrob and seeker of Gryffindor. Still, it was fun to rile her up, fun to see how angry she got every time he teased her. After all, it was just teasing, he didn't really want Evans to go out with him. Way too uptight, that girl.
That didn't change that he could hardly keep himself from thinking about her all morning or from staring at her again and again throughout the Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. She sat four aisles across from him, two rows to the front, straight backed and focused on her own parchment, writing carefully and deliberately. She was pretty, he had to give her that, though not the prettiest girl in their year. Her vibrant green eyes and fiery red hair were an odd combination.
He shook his head and tried to refocus on the last question he still had to answer, number ten. Five signs that identify the werewolf, a question James had left for last because it was so bloody easy. He scribbled out the answer as Flitwick called out "Five more minutes!"
She sighed and read over her answers again one last time. Defence Against the Dark Arts had never been her favourite subject, but by now, Hermione's practical skills had largely caught up with her theoretical knowledge, largely thanks to Harry. And she couldn't not smile at the werewolf question, looking around the Great Hall for Remus.
Finally Flitwick called out, instructing them all to put down their quills and then summoning their parchments to him. When they soared through the air and struck him down, laughter erupted in the hall and Hermione could not hide a smile herself. It was clear that Flitwick was not yet the beloved but respected figure he had been when she had originally arrived at Hogwarts.
She grabbed her things and stuffed them in her bag, then followed the maelstrom of students spilling out of the Great Hall, through the Entrance Hall and onto the grounds. Lily and Mary were milling behind while Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were striding through the grounds as if they owned them and the castle. It was a beautiful sunny day, the trees swinging slightly in the breeze, peaceful and calm. Maybe it wasn't so bad to be here, her, now, at least for a little bit.
The Black Lake was glittering in the sun, calm and smooth for a change. It was refreshing to dip one's feet into it, even as Lily could never entirely stop wondering about the things lurking beneath the surface. As much as she loved swimming, she'd never dared to go further into the lake. Nonetheless, it was nice to just sit here, listening to Mary and Dorcas, who'd caught up with them on the way down from the castle. For a moment, she pretended they were back in the Lake District, rather than at school.
She turned to them and said: "You know what? We should meet up again this summer, go somewhere together."
Mary, who had waded in until the water reached her knees, turned around beaming. Then she spotted something behind Lily and her face immediately fell. "Shit," she whispered. James was standing over Snivellus, who was struggling to get up, Sirius just a step behind her team mate, both of them with their wands trained on the defenceless Slytherin. Why in Merlin's name could these stupid pricks never behave? She hated the slimy git, too, but it just seemed like this would unnecessarily ruin an otherwise mostly nice day.
She wanted to say something to Lily but it was already too late, her best friend had turned around as well. For a second, she didn't recognize Severus but then it clicked and Lily stormed up the slope to the beech tree, yelling "Leave him ALONE!"
He could feel his stomach sink as he recognized the angry voice and turned to see Evans charging up from the bank of the lake. Almost involuntarily, he ruffled through his hair. "All right, Evans?" he said and wanted to kick his own shins for how weird his voice sounded. Her angry sneer made him flush, and when she asked what Snivellus had done to him, James couldn't help but try to be funny. Pointing out that it was Snivellus' mere existence rather than something specific he had done, he basked in the laughter of the other students his remark earned him.
For a second, she wanted nothing more than to lunge forward and hurt the self-centred piece of shit. Instead, trying to stop her voice from shaking, she said "You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."
"I will if you go out with me, Evans," he said and almost immediately regretted it. He had no clue why he had said that. Still, he couldn't back down now. "Go on…" He gave her what he thought was his most winning smile. "Go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid." Lily replied as quickly as an escaping Snitch, and would have sworn she saw a hurt expression flicker across Potter's face for a second.
Sirius sucked in the air between his teeth and tried to make light of the situation, but then remembered Snivellus. As he turned towards the slimy git, there was a flash of light and a slashing noise, and suddenly, James was bleeding. Before he could do anything, James had clearly cast the Levicorpus charm, and Snivellus was hanging upside down above them, his greying underpants revealed to all the world.
The laughter was uproarious and deafening, but it couldn't drown the shrill, angry voice yelling "Stop it!". James and Sirius whirled around. The new girl was standing among a clump of students, looking almost as angry as Evans, with her bag on the ground and her wand clutched tightly in her hand.
"And what's it to you?" Sirius' tone was aloof, but he was curious. He couldn't remember seeing this bushy haired creature so riled up, or seeing much of her at all, for that matter.
She was genuinely stuck for an answer. When she had heard the laughter, Hermione had abandoned her spot near the bank of the lake and been horrified to see Harry's father and godfather essentially torture Snape, magically washing out his mouth. She'd known that they had gone to Hogwarts together and hated each other, but she had had no idea how horrible they had been to the future Potions teacher. She couldn't help but pity him, but when she looked into his upside-down face, almost red with anger, she remembered the shame she had felt when he had embarrassed her in Defence against the Dark Arts in her third year or that time he had pretended that Malfoy's teeth growing hex made her look no different. Suddenly, she felt anger flare up in her at Snape as well.
Still, this was cruel and she was about to say something when Lily almost growled "She's right. Let him down!"
James shrugged in an exaggerated manner and quickly gave Sirius a mischievous grin. "Certainly," he said and jerked his wand upwards, letting Snivellus fall onto the floor in a disgruntled heap. Padfoot immediately Petrified him again.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" The two girls yelled in unison and when he turned to Evans, she had her wand drawn and pointed at his face.
James really did not want to repeat the experience of being hexed by Evans. As uptight as she was, she was wicked quick and skilled. Still, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. "Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," he said, trying to sound earnest and hoping no one was noticing how little he wanted to be hexed himself.
"Take the curse off him, then!" Lily demanded. The audacity made her blood boil. As if Potter could hex her.
She could hardly contain the sigh of relief when James Potter took the curse of Snape, flashing a smile he probably thought was charming at Lily. Hermione bent down to pick up her bag, only half listening as James said something about Snape being lucky that they had been there.
And then she heard Snape speak for the first time, not yet in the disinterested, cold drawl that she would come to know so well but in an angry snarl. "I don't need help from some stupid girls, especially not from a filthy little Mudblood!"
She felt like she had been slapped. She felt like she was eleven years old again and Petunia had just called her a freak for the first time. She felt her heart break and all affection for Severus vanish immediately.
"Fine. I won't bother in the future." Lily said, trying to keep her voice level and cool. "And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
She could see that using his hated nickname had hurt Severus, and was about to turn around and just walk away from the misery of it all, when Potter roared "Apologise to Evans!" and she couldn't help but turn on him, anger rising like bile in her throat.
"I don't want you to make him apologise! You're as bad as him!" When she took a step closer to him, Potter stumbled one back. He looked like she had slapped him. She felt a rush of power and anger.
"I'd NEVER call you a – a – a you-know-what," he protested.
She took another step closer, noticing the flicker of hurt and maybe even fear in Potter's hazel eyes. "Messing up your hair because you think it looks so cool, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can," Lily rattled off everything that had ever annoyed her about Potter. She took a deep breath and yet another step closer. "I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me sick." She spat the last word in his face, shortly locked eyes with Severus and abruptly turned. She hurried back to the castle, almost running into the new girl.
Judging from Lily's expression, Hermione could imagine in how much pain she was. Then she looked at Snape, his face contorted into an almost unreadable grimace, as if he was in pain, too, and wondered if they had been friends at some point. That Lily had so passionately defended Snape suddenly made far more sense. Maybe she should go after her.
But then she heard James mumble something and Sirius answer in an even tone: "Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate."
"Right. Right," James growled, spinning around quickly and snapping his wand, hoisting Snivellus back into the air upside down. "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?!"
Remus closed his book with force, but before he could get up and stop James, the roaring laughter was interrupted by the shrill voice of the new girl. "You will do no such thing, James Potter," she yelled as she quickly crossed the last bit of the lawn between him. There was a loud bang and then a very unmanly shriek as James' own bogeys started flying out of his nose and attacking him.
She rounded on Snape, crumpled in a heap on the floor. "You useless arse. Get out of my face before I hex you next." The wide eyes in Snape's otherwise angry face felt like a personal triumph to Hermione.
Remus tried his hardest to hide a smile, but when he looked at Sirius trying and failing fairly miserably to do the same, he couldn't help it. Finally, with James red-faced and trying unsuccessfully to fight of the bats while most students around him laughed loudly, he took pity, pointed his want at the seeker and said "Finite Incantatem."
"Thanks mate," James mumbled, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. "What a bloody – "
"Don't." Remus interrupted him. He looked around for Granger, but she was nowhere to be found. Then he spotted a bushy haired silhouette in the distance, on her way not to the castle but to the Gamekeeper's hut. "What the hell was that all about, Prongs?"