So sorry, don't know what happened. Only part of the chapter ended up being published? It should be here now, so enjoy.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
"… it feels like I'm falling down this bottomless hole. On the way I keep bumping into familiar scents, sounds, memories. There's always something that reminds me off him."
"There's always going to be when you're looking!"
She shot up; her slumped back was straight now. His voice so stern. He was dismissive in his tone. It wasn't up for debate whether she went looking or not. There was no room for negotiation in his words. She went looking for it, her pain was her own creation.
She didn't go around looking for him; she wanted to put it, the pain in the past. She was working hard to get over it. Her mouth fell slightly open. She couldn't understand that she had finally started coming and now three months down the line she was ready to tell her story, to open up.
Not now. Not when they were putting her efforts down. She wasn't looking for him; she was haunted by everything that was him. Her nostrils moved at record speed like a bunny picking up the scent of a fox. Her legs were clamped. She didn't need to stay, she didn't need this. She could just as well go home and be surrounded by him there.
He looked at her, didn't turn towards her. His legs were pointing towards his brother. Safe. He was looking at her from the corner of his eyes. He wasn't translating this for Garra. Itachi couldn't translate it to himself. The others were shifting. There was a certain edge to the room. All had they been pushed by Itachi. He had a way of finding their buttons at the most suited time.
Not by interrupting them.
Not full force.
Not openly in the group.
Not the first time telling their story.
And there it was. Like he had switched a flip. Tears. Streaming. Endless. Uncontrollable. Wild. Unstoppable.
The whole room was silent as Ino opened her mouth to suck air in, turning it to a primal cry on the way out. She hadn't been able to cry over her son in front of others. The only one who had seen her mourn her son with tears was her ex-husband. He was the only one she had trusted to witness her emotions. Her desperate sorrow. Everyone else had met the poised and collected Ino, who now carried an internal sorrow.
Nothing they said could ever tip her over. At first, they had shun her for it. She wasn't mourning as they had expected her to be. She was empty. There was nothing inside of her. She didn't cry. She didn't not cry because she wasn't sad. She didn't not cry because she was not missing her son. She was not crying because there was nothing there to cry with. She was empty.
At home she felt. At home she cried. At home she was safe to cry . To feel. Here she wasn't. Doubled over on the dirty floor of some recreational centre. This wasn't safe. Yet she howled like there was no tomorrow. Like she used to on his floor in the dark. There was tears, snot and drool all over. She was alone, but it was public.
As she felt her throat ignite and everything burn she felt a body slump down on the floor opposite her. She didn't even notice him trying to hand her a paper towel.
She looked like a mess. Hair was sticking to her face, her eyes red when she didn't have them forcefully clamped together. She tried hiding her face behind her knees, but he could see. He could see her pain as clear as day.
"I don't go to these things to get fixed."
Kakashi leaned his head on the wall behind him looking up at the ceiling turning yellow by age. He didn't go there to get fixed. There was nothing that could fix them. They were forever broken. Nothing could change the past no matter how many times he went back in his mind. No matter how many times he imagined the accident not happening. Him never taking his kids outdoor. Him never letting them do something as dangerous as climbing. It was too late for them. Both him and his sons. It was already done.
So, they had to learn to live. They had to go on. Go on from what couldn't be fixed.
Ino let out another howl. She had already broken the barrier. She was crying in front of someone. Someone who wasn't family, but it was someone she hoped would understand. Yet it didn't feel right, didn't feel dignified to burn into a weeping mess. She had no control over herself.
She had seen this reaction many times. She had witness it. She could never relate to it. Losing yourself, letting yourself be so vulnerable in front of others. Ino never cried in front of others like that. Not even as a child had she allowed herself to be phased by bruises and words. She controlled her emotions, she owned her emotions.
"It's not right losing a child, but there's some beauty in it."
Kakashi placed his hands on his knees. His life had forever changed since he lost his son. There was some good that came out of it. There were some good changes that came out of it, did they make up for losing his son? Not even close to, that was why he was going to be forever broken. There was nothing that could make up for what he had lost. He had lost what was closest to him.
He wanted to reach out to Ino. Let her know that what she was feeling was perfectly fine. That crying didn't make her less of a person. At some meetings they had all cried. One by one, didn't even have to be their own children that made them cried. He had cried when Ino came that first day. Cried because she was so small and scared. Still was. She still needed their help but it seemed like there was no way of getting to her.
Her walls were high and thick. She had been alone with her sorrow for so long. She had allowed it to wrap itself around her like a blanket. A state that felt permanent and by that felt like home. He had been there himself. Blaming himself. Kakashi hadn't been sad, he had been angry. He had been so angry with himself.
No one in the group had blamed themselves for their child's passing as much as Kakashi. Had been so mad at the world, but mainly himself. For what had happened he could never forgive himself. That would never repair. How much he had resented himself. How he so easily could blame himself for what had happened. It had all been him.
He felt his chest rising just thinking about it. What he had done, what he had caused. It didn't bring him back, it didn't change anything, but he felt he deserved it. He deserved all the pain and misery in the world for what he had caused. It was him.
And so, he was crying too. Crying over his son that was never coming back, his son that might never walk again, for Ino who couldn't let herself feel in front of others and he cried out of bitterness for himself. As all these thoughts ran through his head he felt selfish. For allowing himself to get so upset when it was all his fault.
As if her feeling was contagious Kakashi felt himself falling down that trap hole. Where everything was darkness and he was the one going down the street killing every light as he went. He wouldn't rest until everything was dark, because he deserved it. He was the reason behind this. He was to blame for his son's death.
As the accusation ran through his mind in big bold letters and he was filling his lungs with air he felt heat. He felt skin touching his.
He looked down to see his index finger locked with hers. It was only the tip, as if they were hooks connected to each other on this wild and vast sea. So fragile that just the tiniest wave could separate them again. For now, they were connected. For now, they were one.
"I can't forget him."
It sounded like a plea, with so much power than the volume spoke of. She would never forget him. He would never be a thing of the past. She would see in time, she would learn. Years isn't much time to heal when losing a child. It is something you will never recover from. It is something you never will forget. Kakashi was certain that this was something you carried for life.
"I'll help you remember, Inojin."
Ino nodded feeling herself regain some control of her emotions. She would have to gather herself, she would have to land eventually. Now was better than later.
"When he was four he refused to get his hair cut."
She smiled and let out a small chuckle at the memory. How he had struggled saying no and avoiding her scissors like the plague. They had written it off as him wanting to go to the hairdresser to get it down. Also there had he made a scene screaming and squirming at the idea of having his hair cut. By that point it was so long it was getting in his eyes and everywhere else really. It grew so fast.
"Someone at his kindergarten had gotten cancer and lost their hair. She had gotten a wig, but they didn't have one that she liked because they didn't have that many."
Ino sniffled and looked up feeling the tears pressing again. He had been so thoughtful of other. He had always wanted to do the right thing. He had always done what he thought was right.
"And he also knew from my work that chemo patients lose their hair. That's why he didn't want his hair cut, because there were always children needing wigs and everyone said his hair was so beautiful that he wanted other children to have beautiful hair too."
Ino was sobbing again. Now it didn't feel as dirty and tainted. It felt right crying at this point. It hadn't ended bad the first time. It hadn't harmed her. She was just a mother, missing her child. There was nothing wrong with a few tears. Not when she had support around her.