What if Lady Catherine was the one to visit the parsonage while the other ladies where out without Elizabeth instead of Darcy?

Some characters may act differently then in canon since I tend to play fast and loose with historical facts, probabale situations and characters. Before you embank on your reading adventure you will need to suspend reality and cast off notions of what is actually possible.

Further warning, my husband is constantly jokingly asking me as I type if I used the words throbbing member and heated loins. I tell him no and ignore him normally. But this time I decided to say, in the words of Barney Stinson, challenge accepted. So I am going to attempt to write a more raunchy variation from the first few chapters I have started. Initial googling of slang terms in the regency era had me laughing, it seems a bit of a stretch to ever imagine any of them being used in conjunction with Fitzwilliam Darcy. So if this turns into an all out raunchy farce, well it may be that I just cannot write a bodice ripper. Lol.

Lady Catherine Interferes

Chapter 1

Elizabeth Bennet was sitting by herself at the parsonage in the morning writting to Jane, while Charlotte Collins and Maria Lucas were gone on buisness in Mr. Collins' parish. Mr. Collins was likewise gone from the house and only servant around was Molly, the maid of all work. Elizabeth had just finished detailing her first dinner at Rosings since Lady Catherine's nephews, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Col. Richard Fitzwilliam had arrived in Kent, when she was startled by a ring at the door, a certain signal of a visitor. She quickly put away her unfinished letter, to avoid impertinent questions on the off chance it was Lady Catherine.

When Lady Catherine sailed into the room, Elizabeth was sitting demurly with her hands folded in her lap. This attitude was not to last though. After greeting Lady Catherine and re-seating herself once Lady Catherine was seated and had declined refreshment, Elizabeth was about to enquire after those at Rosings, but Lady Catherine spoke before she could.

"You can be at no loss, Miss Bennet, to understand the reason for my journey hither. Your own heart, your own conscience, must tell you why I have come," Lady Catherine said imperiosuly. She had seen the way her favorite nephew, the one she had choosen to marry her daughter, looked upon Elizabeth and had quickly determined it was not to be bourn.

Elizabeth, confused as to what Lady Catherine reffered to, graciously said, "You are quite mistaken, I cannot account for the honor of seeing you here. The Collins and Maria are out, had they of known you would appear at the parsonage today, I am sure they would have stayed in to greet you."

"That would not suit my purpose," Lady Catherine said with a hard glare.

"And what is your ladyship's purpose?" inquired Elizabeth archly.

"To demand you cease the use of your arts and allurements to draw my nephew in. It is impossible that he would make an offer to you."

Elizabeth, amused at the implication that the colonel would make her an offer on such a short aquintance and and offended that Lady Catherine deemed her unworthy in equal parts, was inclined to goad Lady Catherine. Thus she said airily, "If it is so impossible then you need not concern yourself with the possibility. "

"It is an impossibllity. Honor, prudence and decorum forbid that he contract an alliance with one so low in life as yourself. Your connections are a disgrace- tradesmen in town, a ramshackle squire for a father, and not a grain of sense to be found in your immediate family, your fortune non-existent, your manners impudent. I will not tolerate it, for some low born hussy to draw him in. You would never be recognized by me or any of his family or friends."

Rising to her feet, her color high, Elizabeth said cooly, "You have insulted me madam. My connections maybe deemed objectionable by you, but I deem your nephew's connections to be even more so. You call my father a ramshackle squire and debase my family without having ever met them, yet you call my manners impudent?"

"I will have your promise to never enter into an engagement with my nephew. Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter!" Lady Catherine thundered rising to her feet as well.

"Mr. Darcy?" Elizabeth exclaimed in shock.

"Yes. My nephew. He is above you in every conceivable way. Your father with his impoverished estate and tradesman's tainted wife is little better then a steward in comparison. You may have drawn him in, but a union with you would be nothing but a disgrace. A foul stench that would taint his noble blood. Is such a cunning coniving miss as you to be united with an honorable man? You are not fit to be his wife, perhaps his mistress for his more base desires, but my daughter will be his bride," Lady Catherine spat with venom at Elizabeth.

"I gladly give you my promise," Elizabeth said angrily. "I would never consent to an engagement with Mr. Darcy. He is no honorable man, I know of his infamous treatment of Mr. Wickham."

"You dare to question the honor of one of your betters! You impudent hussy! You won't spend another night here to lure him in! After the condensation I have so kindly shown you," Lady Catherine shouted.

"Mr. Darcy is not my better. I am a gentleman's daughter, but you need have no fear I would agree to an engagement with your nephew or that he would offer, with his arrogance, conciet and selfish disdain for others since the moment I met him, our dislike has been mutual," Elizabeth said in disgust.

Lady Catherine with a final parting glare at Elizabeth strode out of the room. Elizabeth assuming the lady had left the parsonage, expelled a breath and sank onto a near by chair. She could not believe the affrontry of the grand dame. Realizing that Lady Catherine had somehow stumbled to the erroneous conclusion after a single evening in company that Mr. Darcy found her anything other than tolerable and an object to criticize, a laugh escaped her. Her previous encounters with Lady Catherine had shown Elizabeth that her ladyship believed herself to be quite knowledgeable about many subjects and that more often then not, her ladyship was quite simply wrong. This by far was the most ridiculous one though, concluded Elizabeth, even more so then Lady Catherine's belief that her daughter, if she had learnt to play, would be a great proficient. Elizabeth laughed harder and closed her eyes to regain her composure. The ridiculousness of Lady Catherine's assumptions chased away her anger at the insults that had been hurled at her. Elizabeth simply did not care what Lady Catherine's opinion of her and her family was, but she was concerned about the position it would likely put her in. It appeared, she thought with resignation, that Lady Catherine would likely request Mr. Collins, Elizabeth's cousin and her ladyship's parson, send her home, curtailing her visit with Charlotte.

"Seize her!" Lady Catherine demanded with authority as she led her coachmen back into the parsonage's parlor. Elizabeth's eyes flew open, but before she could say or do anything Lady Catherine's coachman had grasped her arms in a tight grip. "To my carriage with her. I shall procure her a seat on the first post chaise to leave, I care not where it goes but she will not stay here," Lady Catherine said with satisfaction.

"I beg your pardon," Elizabeth said her eyes wide as she attempted to struggle out of the coachman's bruising grip.

Lady Catherine raised her hand and slapping Elizabeth thundered, "Quiet!"

Elizabeth stunned by the unexpected violence, said nothing and was unceremoniously dragged out of the parsonage and thrown into the carriage where she landed none to gently hitting her head hard enough on the side wall to temporarily knock her out. Lady Catherine climbed in and with a satisfied hrump after poking at Elizabeth's form with her gilded cane ordered her driver to take them to the nearest posting inn.